As you might imagine, this story has implications for your social journey. Two, to be exact.
First, you need to commit to a social group in order to make friends there. If you go to a group twice a year, you’ll struggle to make friends there. But if you commit to going to every meeting you can for the next few months, you’ll get to know people, and relationships will begin to form.
Of course, if you’ve gone to several meetings of a particular group and you hate it, you can stop going. But then find another group to commit to! A good rule of thumb is to try a new group every time you stop going to an old group, so that your total number of weekly social outings stays constant.
Second, you need to invest time in your friendships. If I had continued gaming with some clan mates after the clan disbanded, they might still be friends today. But because I didn’t invest in those relationships, we lost touch.
So spend time with your friends. If they’re local, ask them to see a movie, or grab lunch. If they’re not living near you, give them a call every few months to catch up, or send them an email to say hi. If you consistently reach out to your friends, your friendship will grow.
Quest 3.2 (Type: Monthly)
Quest Objectives:
Pick a social group you’d like to belong to (like a meetup group, a club, etc.)
Commit to going to at least one meeting a week, four weeks in a row.
Go to the SAME group four weeks in a row. No skipping around!
Quest Description:
I’ve asked you to do a similar quest in “Go Into The Tall Grass.” But the difference here is commitment. With “Go Into The Tall Grass”, you could visit a different group every week if you like. For this quest, you’re stuck with one group for a month.
Of course, if you visit a group once or twice and you absolutely hate it, then you don’t need to go back. But if you decide to quit a particular group, you need to start from the beginning with another group. That way you make sure you see the benefits of commitment.
Quest Rewards:
Greater chance of making friends
See the value of commitment
Become a regular somewhere!
Side Quests:
Plan an event that repeats monthly or weekly, and invite your friends to it. For instance, you might plan a monthly movie night, or a weekly game night. Run the event a few weeks or months in a row, and see if you can build up a group of regulars. If nobody comes the first time, that’s okay—try again next week.
Make a list of friends that you haven’t talked to in a while. Then, call one friend on that list each week. (Consistency!)
Try out Tribes for yourself! You can download Tribes 2 for free at TribesNext.com, although it’s difficult to find a populated server these days. A better option might be to play Tribes Ascend, which is a modern sequel to Tribes 2 that keeps many of the same gameplay elements (it’s free to play on Steam.)
Looking For Group Level Three: Go Karting With Bowser
Mario and Bowser have a weird relationship. While they started as arch-enemies, they ended up as…friends?
Ben Cronshaw (Yahtzee from “Zero Punctuation”) sums it up pretty well:
“For me, the interesting relationship is the one between Mario and Bowser; I mean on some days they fight to the death in fiery climactic showdowns, while on other days they go go-karting together, play tennis, even team up in some of the RPGs. Sure, he kidnaps the Princess a whole bunch, but no-one seems to begrudge him for that anymore; it’s just what he does.”
This strange relationship has led to a TV Trope called “Go Karting With Bowser.” It’s this idea that despite starting as enemies, Mario and Bowser have spent so much time together in so many different contexts that they’ve grown to have something approaching friendship.
Obviously, this is just an idea. It’s never been expressed in the games themselves (although Mario and Bowser do show a grudging respect for each other when they ally together in games like Super Mario RPG.) But the idea makes sense. After all, if you spend a lot of time with someone, in a lot of different contexts, it’s natural that a friendship would form.
You can put the same principle to work in your own life as you try to make new friends. I’m not recommending that you invite your worst enemy to go go-karting together (they would probably say no and look at you strangely.) Instead, apply the “Go-Karting with Bowser” technique to people who are not your enemies, but who aren’t your friends yet, either.
This is what the Go-Karting With Bowser technique boils down to: Spend time with someone outside of the original context where you met them. Bowser and Mario met as arch-rivals battling for the Princess, but then they started playing tennis, racing go-karts, teaming up in RPGs, etc. By spending time together outside of the original context, they were able to see a new side of each other, and friendship was able to form.
In your life, the same principle holds true. Let’s say you meet someone at work. You get along well, but you never spend time together outside of work. If you invite them to do something together outside of work, then you get to see a new side of them—you can see who they are when they’re not working, when they don’t have to behave in front of the boss, when they can relax. Hanging out with someone in multiple contexts helps the two of you to get to know each other better, and this makes friendship more likely to spark.
Also, inviting someone to spend time together outside of the original context sends a strong signal that you are interested in friendship with them. Let’s say you frequently go to a board gaming meetup, and you enjoy playing games with a particular person while you’re there. That person doesn’t know if you like them as a person, or if you just like playing games with them. But if you invite them to do something outside of the gaming group, you are signaling to them that you think they’re a cool person. They know that you want to hang out with them, not just play games with them. That gives them the encouragement they need to start inviting you to do stuff with them, too.
Of course, this strategy (like all other strategies in this book) requires some consistency. If you invite a coworker to hang out outside of work once, and then never invite them to do anything ever again, a friendship is unlikely to form. But there is a nice snowball effect that happens. If you start inviting someone to do things together, then they will usually start inviting you to do things together too. That makes the friendship easy to grow and maintain.
Quest 3.3 (Type: Collection)
Quest Objectives:
Use the Go-Karting With Bowser technique on three different people.
Quest Description:
Find three people who you get along well with, but you only know in one context. Invite each of them (one at a time) to do something together outside of the original context. Maybe you ask someone from your meetup group to see a movie together, or maybe you ask a classmate if they want to come over for some gaming. If you don’t have three people that come to mind, spend a few weeks visiting some social groups to build some connections (or just ask one or two people to start.)
You should also try to pick an invitation that you think the other person will like. If you know your coworker is outdoorsy, invite them to go hiking together. If someone from your Meetup group loves music, invite them to a concert. If you’re not sure, pick something that most people will enjoy, like a fun movie. A good way to find ideas is to Google for “fun things to do in [your city].”
One word of warning: Be careful if you’re asking someone of the opposite sex to do something together one on one, since that might be construed as romantic instead of friendly. If your intentions are purely friendly, you might want to let them know it’s just a friendly invite, or invite them to a group event instead. I would also steer clear of dinner-and-a-movie or other traditional date ideas.
Remember, if they say no, that’s okay! You can wait a few weeks and invite them to something else, or you can just ask another person. People won’t always say yes to invitations, but they will usually apprecia
te being asked. Even if they didn’t accept your invitation, you still signaled a desire for friendship, and that counts for something.
Quest Rewards:
Greater social confidence
Opportunity for fun experiences
Make some new friends!
Side Quests:
Plan a group event that would be fun for multiple people that you know. Invite all of them. That way you can get to know them better, and they can also potentially make friends with each other!
If someone is already your friend but you only spend time together in a few different contexts, add a new context to the mix. For instance, if you have a friend but the only thing you do together is video games and movie nights, try inviting them to go bowling together and see if they are interested.
Invite someone over to play Mario Kart or Mario Party. That way you can literally be Go-Karting with Bowser as you use the Go-Karting with Bowser technique!
Looking For Group Level Four: Speedrunning Gone Home
Gone Home is a work of art.
It tells the story of a young woman who arrives home and finds it deserted. You guide her as she explores her abandoned house and pieces together the story of what happened to her family. Polygon awarded the game a perfect 10, and the coveted Game of the Year award.
It’s gorgeous, immersive, and deeply moving. If you take the time to deeply explore every nook and cranny of the house, you’ll be richly rewarded with a story that stays with you long after the credits roll.
Or, you can speed run it in about 90 seconds.
Grab the first key, go to a secret room, grab the second key, go to the last room, win the game. Easy.
Of course, you miss the story, the emotion, and the deep immersion. In other words, you’ve missed everything that makes Gone Home, Gone Home.
It’s a fun challenge, of course. But if all you ever do is speedrun, you missed the point.
A friendship should be like playing Gone Home. Gone Home is a game of exploration, where your curiosity is gradually rewarded by learning more and more about your lost family. The more time you spend looking for clues, the more you’ll discover.
Friendship is a game of exploration too. If your friends see that you want to get to know them, they’ll start to open up to you. The more you show a genuine interest in them, the more they’ll share.
Ask them how they’re doing, and they’ll tell you. Show interest in their past and they’ll tell you stories. Earn their trust and they’ll share their deep fears and dreams. Give it time, and they’ll start showing genuine interest in you, too.
But you have to ask. You have to show interest. You have to let them know that you care.
And most people don’t. Most people “speedrun” their conversations. This is what someone speedrunning a conversation looks like:
Instead of showing curiosity in the other person’s life, they only talk about themselves.
Instead of picking meaningful topics, they talk only about video games, sports or another hobby.
Instead of asking follow-up questions when someone shares something personal, they change the topic.
Instead of giving the other person their full attention, they look at their phone.
You can think of it this way:
Speedrunning a conversation is when you talk only about superficial things, and don’t show a genuine interest in the other person. You stop speedrunning when you give the other person your full attention, and show a genuine curiosity about their life. The easiest way to show this genuine curiosity is to ask questions about the person’s feelings, passions, or life experiences. For instance:
How are you feeling about the test that’s coming up this week? (feelings)
If you could do anything as a career, what would it be? (passions)
What did you do this summer? (life experiences?)
Note that most people will probably give a superficial answer the first time you ask a question like this, so you usually need to ask a follow-up question to show that you’re really interested. For instance:
You:
“How are you feeling about the test that’s coming up this week?”
Them:
“A little stressed, I guess.” (a superficial answer)
You:
“What are you most stressed about?” (a follow up question that shows interest.)
Them:
“Well, it’s the essay portion. I’m not a very good writer, so I feel….” (and they give a real answer).
Of course, speedrunning a conversation doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad friend. Everyone does it sometimes. But you’re not going to deepen your friendship unless you take the time to really get to know the other person.
Here’s an easy way to tell if you’re speedrunning a conversation. Ask yourself:
Is the other person telling me how they feel? (not just what they think.)
Is the other person telling me something important about them that I don’t know?
Is the other person talking about something they are truly passionate about?
Is the other person telling me a story from their life?
If the answer to all four of those questions is “No”, you’re probably speedrunning—and you should ask some questions to show interest in the other person.
Quest 3.4 (Type: Daily)
Quest Objectives:
For one week, keep a daily log of your conversations with friends. Mark if each conversation was speedrunning or exploration.
At the end of the week, review the log. Check how often you speedrun.
Quest Description:
When you review the log, count up the number of “speedrun” conversations where you only talk about superficial things, and count up the number of “exploration” conversations, where you ask questions and show a genuine interest. See if you can get at least one exploration conversation each day.
This log doesn’t need to be fancy. Basically, I just want you to start noticing if your conversations are superficial or if you’re going deeper. A simple piece of paper or Google doc should be just fine. Try to track any conversation that lasts more than a minute or two, but it’s okay if you skip very short interactions.
Quest Rewards:
Better conversations
A deeper sense of connection with others
Make others feel appreciated
Side Quests:
Play Gone Home! Just don’t speedrun it :)
Spend fifteen minutes coming up with a list of questions that you can use to show a genuine interest in people. You might try to brainstorm on your own, or Google for ideas (“conversation starters” is usually a good place to start.)
Notice when another person makes you feel like they are showing a genuine interest in you. Pay attention to what they do to make you feel that way, and try to do the same things to someone else.
Looking For Group Level Five: Left 4 Dead
I have spent at least 200 hours playing the Left 4 Dead series.
I say “at least” because I started playing Left 4 Dead before Steam started tracking game time, so my total number is probably even higher.
To put this time in context, instead of playing Left 4 Dead, I could have listed to War and Peace on audiobook—three times in a row. I could have flown around the world four times, and collected an epic collection of airline peanuts along the way. I could have completed the 200 hours of training necessary to become a certified yoga instructor (only to flunk out when they discovered I can’t touch my toes). But instead I spend 200+ hours shooting zombies.
And I don’t regret a minute of it.
See, Left 4 Dead wasn’t just a game to me. It was a way to make memories with my friends. When you’re standing shoulder to shoulder with three of your buddies, facing down a zombie horde—well, there’s nothing quite like it.
Now, coop gaming wasn’t revolutionary even back in 2008, and Left 4 Dead was not the first game that pit a team of players against a slavering horde. DOOM
(released back in 1993) came with a coop feature. And like most kids that grew up on the Super Nintendo, I had spent many hours fighting alongside a friend in games like TMNT: Turtles In Time. So what was so captivating about Left 4 Dead?
Simple. Left 4 Dead was the first game where you truly needed your friends. In other coop games before L4D, a skilled player could beat the game all by themselves. It certainly helped to have a partner, but if you were good enough, you could handle all the enemies on your own.
But in Left 4 Dead, you need your teammates. See, Left 4 Dead features powerful enemies called the “Special Infected.” Most Special Infected have attacks that render you completely helpless almost instantly. One moment you’re running along, guns blazing, and the next moment you’ve got a Hunter pinning you down and seconds to live before he shreds you to pieces. The only way you can escape a Special Infected’s clutches is if a teammate arrives to rescue you.
So you learn to stay close to your allies. You learn to keep tabs on them, and make sure they’re okay. You learn to communicate constantly, sharing strategies and information. And most of all, you learn to ask for help—quickly!
Level Up Your Social Life: The Gamer's Guide To Social Success Page 7
