by Tiana Laveen
Silence met silence, and they invited more silence over to have a seat. The table was full. The quiet, heavy.
“Kane, this is a good stopping point. You’ve done very well. I think I now have a good idea how to move forward but I will review my notes. I have an opening in three weeks. In the meantime—”
“Three weeks? Dr. Morgan, I can’t wait three weeks.”
“Kane, don’t worry. If something comes up like a cancellation, I will make sure you’re penciled in. I am going to email you some activities, books to read, and exercises to practice in the interim. I want you to do these tasks, okay?”
The frustration was written all over his face. Jessica couldn’t quite blame the man. He’d finally gotten a highly skilled professional that specialized in his kind of ailment and she had a client list a mile long.
“Yeah…” His voice was deep and gravelly, and he turned away. He’d checked out just that fast.
Jessica moved back to her seat as they finished up their conversation. Soon, he disconnected the call and turned towards her as she chewed on an orange slice. He threw up his hands.
“Well, there you have it. I dig deep until I bleed. I finally find someone I think might be able to help and then I can’t talk to her again for almost a month.” He went to the refrigerator, grabbed a beer, and removed the cap.
Jessica tapped the table with her fingertips. “Get your coat on.”
He raised an eyebrow at her as he chugged the beer. His eyes darkened, and his shoulders slumped.
“Unless you wanna play a game of undress, there’s no need for me to get on a coat.”
She walked to his closet, grabbed one of his jackets, and returned to the kitchen while he polished off the bottle. It clanged as it hit other bottles in the recycle bin.
“Here.” She threw the jacket at him. “Put it on. We’re taking a little ride in my truck.”
“Jessica, I don’t have the patience for this right now.”
“Neither do I. I told you when we had the picnic that the therapists hadn’t gotten you where you needed to be, literally, and so I put my non-psychology degree havin’ self to the test. None of ’em got you outside. I did. You ain’t gotta wait three weeks to talk to me again. I’m right here, right now. Now, let’s go.”
He stood frozen for a long while but finally, he snatched the jacket out of her hand…
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Cooking With Gas
Kane stood outside the truck’s passenger side door waiting for Jessica as she made slow and easy steps around the vehicle. She opened her door, then slid inside slick as baby shit. She switched on the engine and lowered the passenger window.
“Put your fingers on the handle, pull it and get in.” The cool metal kissed his palm as the zenith of his anxiety rode his resolve with brute force. Seconds later, he sat down onto the leather interior and peered ahead into the night. The suburban street was blanketed in soft light from several posts. “Put your seatbelt on.”
Damn near biting his tongue, he yanked the seatbelt across his chest and died a little inside when it clicked.
Or maybe he’d been born again. Only time would tell. He pressed the button to roll the window back up then pushed his back against the seat, a part of him wishing to be swallowed by it. She turned on the radio and ‘I Feel It Coming,’ by The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk was airing.
“On a scale of one to ten, ten being, ‘I’m about to scream and tear my skin off,’ and one being, ‘This is easy breezy,’ where are you at right this second, Kane?”
“Eight.”
She pulled the truck out of park and moved away from the curb. He tapped his foot on the floor. Tap. Tap. Tap. Face flushed with heat, he wondered what he must look like. For sure he was bright red, especially about the forehead and nose, an early Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer visit from the North Pole.
“What’s swimming around in that head of yours?” She leisurely reached for a roll of mints rocking about in one of the consoles and popped one in her mouth. “Want one?”
“No. The farther you drive away from my house, the more upset I become.”
“All right. Let me remind you of something, playa. You rule the world, not the other way around.” The clicking of the turn signal seemed to get louder and louder each time she flicked it. “It’s God, then us. Just that simple. Ain’t shit out here that can make or break you unless you let it in or it’s just your time to go.”
They circled the block, then merged into a heavier flow of traffic. Blinding headlights made him squint and upped his anxiety. Gripping a fistful of denim, he sucked in air.
“Breathe, Kane.”
He exhaled at her command.
“I think we need to try ’nd head back home.”
“I’m sure you do think that, Kane.” She bobbed her head to the music as if his comments meant nothing at all, as if the words he’d spoken were in a language she didn’t understand and didn’t care to learn the meaning of.
“Take me back.”
“Yo’ feet don’t want to go back. Your heart don’t won’t to go back. It’s that mixed up brain of yours. Tonight, it doesn’t get its way. Let’s drive over to the gas station.”
“Jessica! NOW! Take me fuckin’ home!!!”
He rocked back and forth, beating on the dashboard with both fists. His body twisted and muscles tightened, pain radiating through his frame. Fists flying, he banged that car to death until sweat poured down his face and strands of hair clung to his lips. The truck slowed, but didn’t stop. He glared at her. Her hands remained on the steering wheel, her expression placid. The rage he felt was unreal… and yet, he couldn’t strike her. She was a woman. His woman. He loved her.
“You done acting like Animal from the Muppet Show? That was ridiculous. If you left one dent up in here, you’re paying for it. Believe that. I hope all that nonsense was worth it to you ’cause I ain’t taking you home. I’m sick of this shit, and so are you.”
“Jessica, for Christ’s sake! You don’t understand!” He threw up his hands. “I’m not able to control this shit! Stop it! I can’t just—”
“Is it your brain or someone else’s talkin’? Let me know. I don’t wanna hear about what you can and can’t do. That’s more twisted brain shit and fears. We don’t talk to them, remember? Don’t feed the monkeys at the zoo. What did the car smell like?”
“Huh?”
“I figure I’d take a page out of that Dr. Morgan’s handbook and mix what she did into what I’m tryna do.”
“I can’t believe this shit,” he mumbled under his breath, then bit his nails. He looked out the window and noticed some of the bright lights around a few stores. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d seen flashing lights on a bar sign or the parking lot of a Walmart.
“Well? The night of the accident… what did the inside of the car smell like?”
“Weed. It smelled like weed, Jessica.” He spit out a bit of nail and went back to chewing.
“What was the smell in the hospital?”
“I hated the smell… It was like wet gauze. Old blood. Pus. I could smell it all around me. On me.”
“What was the first thing that came to your mind when you found out your friend didn’t make it? When the doctors told you Lamont was dead?” His skull began to throb and his blood felt thicker, as if it had trouble flowing. “Well?”
“I’m not doing this.”
“You are. What the hell was it?”
“You’re not a therapist.”
“You ain’t a creature locked in a cage at the zoo, but you sure as hell do a good impression. Putting up these walls don’t stop anything, Kane. Patience is a virtue and I got all night.”
“‘Why wasn’t it me?!’ That’s what I said! I asked why didn’t God take me instead?! Then after the funeral and what his cousin told me, I wondered… I wondered if he’d gone and done it on purpose…”
He hung his head and one tear fell after another. Jessica turned off the radio and rolled down his w
indow. Cool air blew through his hair, and the chill went straight through his bones. It felt good. He stayed that way, eyes closed, just listening to the world whiz around him. Smelling her perfume and the mint she sucked on real slow. Every now and again, he heard the piece of hard candy click against her teeth.
The truck slowed then stopped. He could hear noises all around them, people talking, music pouring out of cars, the smell of tobacco… but he wasn’t ready to look just yet. The truck rocked as she’d apparently gotten out and closed the door. He lifted his gaze and realized they were at a filling station. He sat back, then slowly, ever so slowly, let his arm hang out the window. His chest heaved as he fought tears.
I’m outside. I’m out here. And I’m still alive. Nothing bad happened. Jessica was right.
Guilt wiggled throughout his brain like worms desperate for moisture. He fought with it day and night. The torment crept inside of him and refused to let go. But right then, at that moment, he felt light. Weightless. On a big sigh, he undid his seatbelt and opened the truck door. His body swayed as he placed one foot on the ground, then the other. One step, then another, then another, he made his way around to the front of the truck. At one pump sat a red car with a girl sitting in the back playing a video game of sorts while a woman pumped gas, probably her mother.
On another pump, there was an old blue Honda. The windows were up but he could hear rock music blasting from it. Three young guys sat inside, around twenty-one years of age, laughing and carrying on. He could see the ember of a cigarette in one of their hands. He looked at another pump and saw a shiny black BMW. An older white woman sporting a satiny silver jogging suit was gripping the handle and pumping gas into her car. Her short, gray curly hair framed her small, angular face. She was thin, almost frail, but didn’t appear to have a care or concern in the world.
“Shame. It’s a nasty thing, isn’t it?” Jessica’s voice broke his mental stride.
He’d almost forgotten she was there. She stood studying him, her arms crossed.
“It is.” He mirrored her stance.
“Shame makes people keep secrets all bottled inside. Sometimes, the person takes that literally and stays inside as a punishment to themselves. Can’t ever go back outside to make up for what you did last time you was outside… Last time you was outside, your friend died. You in some way are responsible; that’s the tape your brain plays, so you keep yo’ ass inside and suffer. You tell yourself you should’ve known he was in trouble, that you shouldn’t have fussed with him, all of those things you beat yourself up with and you keep it all inside, too. Locked away behind closed doors. You’re just rotting inside, with all of those emotions piled high around you… like boxes from moving day. You watch the world go by and suffer in silence… Shhh! Keep those dirty little secrets on the inside!” Her eyes watered as she snatched the truck door open and took her seat. He stayed put, staring at her through the window.
“Jessica… Sweetness. I need to run an errand,” he said while tears flowed down her gorgeous cheeks. “I need some more cigarettes and I’m thirsty. I’m going in this here store to get them.” He pointed to the little gas station store. “You want something, baby?”
She smiled real big and shook her head. “I don’t need anything, Kane.”
“Oh, honey, you need a whole lotta of shit. And I’m going to make sure you get what you got comin’ to you.”
He turned away and marched inside. Her tears were now his armor. His heart beat his chest up, but he pushed the trepidation aside. Step by step by step… He went in the back to the coolers. His senses were in stereo. He heard all kinds of chatter – someone complaining about their boyfriend, bursts of laughter, someone fixing themselves a drink at the slushie machine, and someone else digging through a pocket of change. He opened one of the refrigerated area doors and pulled out a lemonade, then a diet iced tea for his baby. As he made his way to the front to pay for the items, he noticed a small display with flowers and candies. Placing the drinks on the counter, he grabbed a purple and white assortment of roses and a box of chocolates from a brand he didn’t recognize, then pointed to the Marlboros.
“Hi, let me get a carton of those, please.”
The man behind the counter rang him up. Less than a minute later, he was back out to the truck. He opened the passenger side door. Jessica was staring straight ahead, her cheeks covered in shiny streaks of moisture. She wasn’t crying anymore, but he knew those tears had come from her gut, her core, her soul. She hated them, but she’d let them have their way.
He noted her gas gauge. “You only have half a tank. Why did you pull in here if you weren’t going to get any gas?”
“Because it was a public spot for you to be in, but it was small and not too much, not too overwhelming. I figured it would be a good place to start. Plus, you being into cars and all, I thought you may enjoy that, too.” He looked down at the ground and smiled, gratefulness filling him. He picked up the nozzle and filled up her tank to full. As the gas flowed into the car, he thought about it…
Thought about it real hard.
Jessica appears to always be on ‘F’, but she is usually only half full. I’m seeing that now. Sometimes she is on ‘E.’ She has everyone fooled, or at least, she did. This is the magic she possesses, isn’t it? She depletes herself so others can stand on their own two feet. I got a problem on my hands; one most people can’t understand. Some people think it’s a joke, something I made up. Ain’t nothing fake or funny about this. Even the professionals don’t have a full grasp of this shit I suffer from, but then comes in this woman who barely knew what agoraphobia even was, and she has my ass out here pumping gas now, havin’ picnics in the backyard, buyin’ flowers… She got a black rose on her shoulder, while I have one on my neck. The destiny of this shit is slick. It’s real. I hear you, Lord. I get it. I understand. This ain’t nothin’ but God at work.
The fuel handle clicked, letting him know the tank was completely full now. And something else clicked inside his mind, too. At that moment, he realized he wasn’t afraid. In fact, he felt relaxed… almost normal. When he got back into the truck, she turned the key and the engine purred.
“Good job tonight, Kane. Thanks for the gas, too. I’ll take you home now.”
“I don’t want to go home, but it’s getting late. I want to go somewhere else. We have to stay outside.” She burst out laughing, her face so bright, it made his damn day. “I’m serious.”
“Oh, my Lord! Someone pinch me. I’m dreamin’!” she squealed.
“I got one better for you.” He leaned in real close, wrapped his hand around the back of her head, and brought her in for a kiss. He filled that kiss with desire and stuffed it with love. He merged it with need. When he let go, they looked into each other’s eyes. He was mesmerized. “You don’t travel, but I bet I can take you on an adventure. Are you up to it?”
“Nope.” They both burst out laughing now. “I’m just kidding. What is it?”
“I can show you better than I can tell you…”
If anyone had told Jessica even just one hour earlier that day that she’d be watching Kane singing, playing music, and setting up tiki lights in his backyard, she would’ve told them they were a damn lie. A thick white blanket wrapped around her, she watched him place a few electric space heaters around the space, and between those and the firepit in his gorgeous yard under the roof of stars, she was warm and glowing from the inside out. Slow jazz played as he pitched a tent right inside the gazebo, working his muscles to get it done fast.
“It’s amazing what you remember, even after not doing it for a while!” he said.
The man brought out a bottle of wine, graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows to make smores and what looked like a thousand blankets and throw pillows. She stifled a laugh as he rushed back and forth like a maniac. She’d tried to help but he’d picked her up and placed her back down, demanding she not lift a finger.
To her right, on a table, sat the lovely gas station flowers he’
d purchased. He’d removed one of the white roses from the bouquet to do Lord only knew what with it. Gathering them in her hands, she sniffed, surprised they smelled so fragrant. The plastic wrapping crinkled in her grasp.
“All right, it’s time to go campin’. Are you ready, baby?” he asked breathlessly, his shirt partially unbuttoned.
She took his hand and let him lead the way. When he parted the curtains of the tent, she gasped, dropping the flowers at her feet. Bringing her hands to her mouth, she couldn’t control her knees or the tingle down her spine. She’d forgotten how to live…
Inside the large tent were Moroccan style throw pillows, two candles, and a plush black blanket with white rose petals strewn all along it. Off to the side sat a gorgeous black and crystal chessboard.
“Have a seat.” She plopped down and crossed her legs. So cozy and warm. The firepit was nearby and he’d also put a small heater inside. “I know you have to leave tonight ’nd go to work in the morning, but I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you, Jessica. Today’s been rough. It’s been a long ass day but I told myself, if she can do all of this for me, believe in me, then the least I can do is see if she’s right. You treated me like a king when I felt like a court jester… a laughing stock.” He paused, as if overcome with emotion. “I don’t want to drag this out, a speech or nothin’ like that, but I love you something real and deep… I… I love you, Jessica. It’s that grown folk love that my friend Todd used to talk about.”
“I love you too, Kane. Thank you so much, baby. This is just… perfect.” She looked about in wonder. “Nobody has ever done anything like this for me. I don’t even know what to say.” He dropped to his knees in front of her. “What are you doing?” His eyes on her, he reached for his belt buckle. “Oh. I know what you’re doing now.” She grinned as he quickly disrobed, chucking every stitch of clothing until he was naked as the day he was born. “Oh, shit!”
He pulled her to him by the hips and pretty much tore her clothing off her. Then, he stood to undo a zipper at the top of the tent, allowing a sliver of breeze and moonlight.
