by Tiana Laveen
He disconnected the call and sat there for a bit, playing bits of the conversation over in his head.
I feel detached just now, just like Jessica described herself after the years of abuse from her stepfather. That’s dangerous. That can’t be okay, right? That’s protection mode. It’s like I have built a wall they can’t climb, pass, or cross. I honestly don’t care about their feelings right now, and I hate that. This is not how things should be. Not how they should be at all. I mean, these two people raised us… I hardly speak to my brothers and sisters either on account of this shit. We’re all estranged. I do love them, but I no longer care what they think about my life. Do I miss them? I do. It wasn’t all bad… I guess I just accepted we weren’t talking and that’s just how it would always be. I sure as hell wasn’t going to subject myself to their shit anymore. This is crazy…
He scratched his ear and tried to get back to work, but his mother kept popping into his head. He wanted to call Jessica and vent, but didn’t want to disturb her. He knew she was working, busy on her route. One by one, he turned the computers off, as well as his phone, and just sat there. Inside, he could feel the trees brushing against his flesh, the glass shattering, the screams and cries of agony.
Strange how I associate my own parents with pain now… It cuts deep.
…A month later
“This is real sweet of you, Kane.” Jessica placed the linen napkin over her lap and crossed her legs, checking out the place. She’d never stepped foot into Mastro’s Steakhouse since it far exceeded her budget. It was one of those fancy places where the meals were so expensive, they didn’t even have the price written down on the menu. “You’ve surprised me.”
“How could I not? It’s Valentine’s Day.” He smiled at her. Damn did he look good, dressed in a black suit, white button-down shirt, and red and black tie. His hair was slicked back and braided and his beard and mustache were a tad thicker than usual, but well-trimmed. “I know I keep telling you this, but you look… amazing.”
She sipped on her wine, feeling her face flush.
“Thank you. Melissa came over and got me all dolled up. She said it was our first Valentine’s Day together and when she heard you were taking me here, she insisted on giving me a makeover. She was afraid I’d put on something frumpy and just put my hair up in a ponytail.” Her hair was parted on the side and pulled back in a sleek French bun. She studied her professionally manicured nails. Melissa had sent her to her favorite nail tech. She wanted something simple, so she went with a short French manicure, but at the insistence of the manicurist, the nails were adorned with tiny diamonds and rhinestones that went well with her knee length black dress with a plunging neckline.
“Well, she did a good job. Your hair looked beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
“I like that lipstick, too. It looks real nice on you.”
He doled out compliment after compliment.
“It’s so pretty in here, Kane.” She noted the large gold and crystal chandeliers. The carpet had an interesting geometric pattern, with black and gold honeycomb shapes all along.
“Isn’t it? Glad you like it.”
Kane hadn’t been speaking much. In fact, he seemed a bit distracted. Perhaps it was the impending visit of his parents. A part of him wasn’t looking forward to it. Based on what the man had shared with her about a rather complicated and layered relationship, she understood. He’d described his father as ultra conservative, dogmatic even. His mother was a traditionalist and quite adept at manipulative measures.
Jessica got that, but this wasn’t her story. She and Kane shared a lot in common, but they came from two different walks of life. Her biological parents had been poor. She’d only experienced financial freedom for a price. And it had cost her everything. Kane grew up with money from the moment he was born. His childhood had been carefree, full of laughter, big Christmas trees, expensive gifts, sports games, family and friends. When he became a teenager and young adult, that all changed. His friends and connections had been nothing like him. They’d been forgotten, less privileged souls.
Their waiter came and took their orders. Kane fidgeted with his watch and shifted in his seat. Suddenly, the waiter returned with a shiny black box that would probably fit a pair of boots. Kane thanked the man and set the box down between them, careful to not tip over their wine.
“What in the world is that? A pair of Uggs?” She chuckled.
He smiled and drank his wine.
“Take the lid off.”
She did and stared inside. “What in the world?!” It was a chess board, probably hand-crafted. The pawns had stamps on them, and some appeared to be made from pieces of flyers she recognized. She picked up several of the glossy pieces that were shellacked in some sort of preserver, amused and stunned by the whimsical craftsmanship. “Kane! Is this made outta—”
“Junk mail and stamps… I made it for you.”
She gasped in disbelief.
“How did you do this?! I knew you were handy, but this is so… perfect! I’ve never seen anything like this is in my life!” She laughed, tickled pink. The board itself consisted of tiles constructed with Billie Holliday and Muddy Waters stamps. “This had to take you weeks! Maybe even months.”
“Naw.” He shook his head. “I spent a long time on it, but I had it done in a couple weeks. When I was a little kid, I used to make all sorts of things.”
“Well, I love it, Kane. This is one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.” She leaned over the table and he met her half way to christen her lips with a kiss.
“Pick up the king on my side.” She reached for the piece. “Look on the bottom of it.” She turned it upside down, and read one word: WILL.
“Will? Is that short for William?”
The man burst out laughing.
“No, no…” He pointed to her king. “Turn yours upside down and read what it says.”
She did as he asked.
“You…”
“All right, now turn over your queen.” The piece had a little gold crown with fake jewels around the circumference. “Read it.”
“Marry…” Her throat felt tight… constricted. The truth and seriousness of the matter hit her like a ton of bricks. Her heart raced.
“Now, pick up my queen, on my side… This is where you are.” He pointed to his queen, which had on a little crown with fake jewels, only this one was silver.
“Kane, I know you’re not about to do this!” Her lower lip trembled… her entire body shook as she reached over, half expecting it to say something silly on the bottom, something to tear out the frame of this beautiful dream. She turned over the piece, now feeling eyes on her… She didn’t dare turn in their direction though. “Me… It says, ‘Me!’” She dropped the damn thing and let her hands fly to her mouth. Tears stung her eyes.
Kane got up from his chair and dropped down on one knee right beside her.
“You read it right. You’re my rain, my heart, my queen… I’m askin’ you a simple question. Will you marry me?”
She looked into his blue eyes. A million thoughts raced through her head, the most notable one, ‘Is this for real?’ She glanced at the chess board, then back at him.
“Yes!”
Applause rang out and he smiled big as the sun. Reaching into his suit pocket, he pulled out a white box. When he opened the lid, a light shone down on the biggest damn diamond she’d ever seen. He took hold of her hand and slid the platinum solitaire diamond down her finger. She no longer saw her papercuts, her rough skin she tried to soften up with Gold Bond lotion. All she saw was this ring from a man who for the longest could barely walk to his mailbox, let alone go to a jewelry store and pick out one of the finest gems money could buy. She kissed him, a wave of love enveloping her. The magic her mama said she had, Kane had it, too. She could feel the magnetic pull, the way it poured within her.
He returned to his seat, happiness dripping from him.
“I guess you feel mighty proud of yoursel
f for trickin’ me like this.” She slammed her napkin down on the table in fake irritation and they both burst out laughing. “Boy, you’ve been busy.” She shook her head and reached for her wine. “Oh, hell!”
“What?”
“Melissa knew about this, didn’t she?” He gave her an impassive look, as if trying to play it off, then burst out laughing and nodded. “Y’all ain’t shit. Neither one of you! This heffa been pussy-footin’ around me, makin’ excuses to come back to my house, sayin’ she forgot this, that, and the third then before I knew it, my ass was being stuffed in some dress, hair done and nails clipped, filed and painted.”
“I had to ask her your ring size! Plus, I wanted to make sure I brought you somewhere you’d never been before.”
Jessica was floating away on cloud nine when their food came out. They shared so much fun and laughter, her stomach began to ache. He made her smile, made her dance inside, made her rain.
“Kane.”
“Mmm hmm?” He shoved the last bite of his steak into his mouth and chewed.
“I had no idea you’d do somethin’ like this.”
“I know. That was the beauty of it.” He smirked.
“Well, what I’m saying is, if I had known you were going to do this, I would’ve told you sooner but, uh, this is awkward. It isn’t greatest dinner conversation either.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothin’ is wrong, per se. I just don’t know if I want to have children. I mean, sometimes I think I’d like one, but I’ll be forty soon, and that doesn’t sound too good for me to be trying to start a family.”
She expected him to look upset, or saddened at least.
“Lots of women have babies in their late thirties and forties now, Jessica.”
“I know… I mean, you told me a while back that you wanted at least one child. I didn’t say anything ’cause we were still just friends then but… if you, uh, if you don’t want to marry me because of this, the lack of certainty, I understand.” Her heart broke as she spoke. “I love you enough, strong enough, to want you to be happy, to have everything you want because you deserve it.”
“Yes… and I got what I deserve. She’s sitting across from me at this table.” He clasped his hands. “I’m not surprised about what you’ve said.”
“You’re not?”
“No. I’ve watched you around children, like your friend’s twin sons. You’re a natural, but that doesn’t mean you want to be a parent. I think you’d make an excellent mother, but again, that’s not my final decision. It’s yours. I still love you. I still wanna marry you. We’ll just keep talkin’ about it, all right?”
She sighed with relief. “Yes, we can keep talking about it.”
“Can I ask you something about that though, baby?” He cocked his head to the side as he regarded her.
“Yes. Of course.”
“Is it because of what happened to you?”
She hesitated. “I’m not really sure, Kane,” she finally said with a shrug. “It probably has something to do with it, but I don’t know if it’s the sole reason.”
He nodded in understanding.
“You know how you went and looked up my phobia? How you told me you read up on it, spent hours reading books, researching it?”
“Yes.”
“I did the same about what happened to you. I’ve never had that happen to me, but the woman I love went through it. It’s a part of you now. It doesn’t control you, but it’s created aspects of you that you may not have known existed if it weren’t for that trauma. Now you’ve conquered it, I believe that, but…” He paused, rubbing on his beard as he tried to find the right words. “But after everything I read, the videos I watched of survivors of similar circumstances… and the… the tears I cried from their stories, I can understand your fear…
“A phobia of getting pregnant, giving birth and lovin’ that baby so much, but afraid someone might do to them how’d you been done… that innocence lost.” She lowered her head. “I know it’s complicated, all these thoughts going on, emotions you’ve buried, but, uh, I have something to say to you, baby. Look at me.” She lifted her gaze and he reached across the table and took her hand. She fell in love with him ten times over within a blink of an eye. She loved him so much, it damn near hurt. “I understand that when you were a child, you secretly hoped your mother would figure out what was going on, maybe even a teacher, somebody, anybody, so you could be rescued from that nightmare you were livin’. You needed an adult to step in. None ever did, you had nobody… and that’s imprinted on your soul. But see, what you fail to realize, darlin’, is that you became that adult you needed… You grew up fast. You were your own savoir. You saved your own damn self.”
A tear rolled down her face and she smiled… smiled with relief, freedom, joy.
“Kane, you’ve put into words what I could not. Thank you. Thank you…”
“Each of us are afraid of some trees. My trees are real. Yours are inside your mind and when the wind blows, those branches start scratching at your self-esteem… picking and pulling at you, making you forget that you’re a confident, beautiful, amazing person. Now I meant what I said. If we have children, that’s your choice. If we don’t, that’s your choice, too, but don’t avoid becoming a mother because of fear. You taught me that lesson. You and I don’t succumb to fear anymore. We defeat it. Now come on and finish your dinner. I’m ready to take you home and checkmate that ass!”
She burst out laughing as he motioned for her to hurry up.
“I’m serious now. I ain’t got all day.” He glanced down at his watch. “We haven’t been intimate in almost a week with everything going on, so this is long overdue. Gonna take you home and give ya what you got comin’ to ya!”
She winked and he blew her a kiss, hazy blue love in his eyes…
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Time Heals All Wounds
…The following week
Kane finished pressure washing the back patio then walked to the front of Jessica’s home. The white Lexus was still drying in the driveway after he’d given it a good wipe down. They’d agreed that she’d move in with him right before the wedding so she’d have time to settle down and have everything where she wanted it. They were planning a winter wedding, to be held in December later that year.
“Jessica!” he hollered out as he swiped his brow.
Sweat crept down his face, collected in his mustache and rolled along his lips. He licked it away and peered up at the sky. The sun was beating down, yet there was still a chill in the air as the first early signs of spring burst throughout the city. Some of the trees had tiny bulbs and leaves, eager to alert the world that their transformation was underway. By April, things would be in full swing. Pops of color from flowers and torrential rains.
“Jessica!” he called out again, sitting on the porch steps. He finally heard her coming from the house. The screen door squeaked open and slammed.
“Why you out here callin’ me like you’re the police?!” she teased.
“How you know I’m not?” He threw her a glance over his shoulder and swiped at his brow. “I might just frisk you later.”
“I promise I was going under forty-five, officer! But you can look under my shirt to be sure.”
He rolled his eyes.
“Don’t invite me to a party if you ain’t got any cake. You’re nothin’ but a tease.” He laughed. “Girl, I gotta get home and take care of some things.” He yawned. “I’ll be back over tonight to scoop you up so we can go out to dinner like we planned.”
“All right. I’ll be here. Mama said she wanted to go out with me this afternoon to look at venues again. I’m surprised she volunteered. She usually just wants to stay cooped up in the house.”
“Well, she and I had a lot in common then,” he quipped. “Your car is finished.” He got to his feet. Jessica stepped closer and slid her hand around his waist, pulling him in for a hug and a kiss.
“Thank you so much, baby. It looks brand n
ew again.”
“It’s sitting there all by its lonesome now. Looks funny without the truck out there, doesn’t it?”
“It does, but Melissa appreciated my truck. Like I told you, I didn’t see any point in having two cars. Besides, you have a few vehicles, too, so after we get married, I’ll always have transportation to get to where I need to be in case something breaks down or needs to go to the shop.”
“Yeah, one of the perks of being married to a fella like me.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead. He loved how appreciative she was of the things he gave her, and the smile on her face every time she looked at her dream car parked in the driveway. “How much you sell it to her for?”
“Only nine thousand. She’s going to make payments and already put down a thousand. Bluebook said it was worth at least eighteen thousand five hundred. I had most of it paid off.” She shrugged. “Melissa has done a lot for me. Some people don’t understand that. That’s why I let her stay so long and cut her some slack every now and again. I’m real proud of her. She’s gotten back on her feet and her apartment is just as cute as can be.”
“I like Melissa. She’s a good friend to you, it seems.”
“She is, and so is Alicia. Hell, all my close friends are good, Kane. I’ve been blessed to have a circle of really amazing women around me. Not everyone can say that.”
“That was mighty nice of you to give your friend that deal on the truck. It was in good condition, too. Okay, baby, about to head out.” He hugged and kissed her. The sound of the wind chimes and the sweet scent of her skin called to him. She smelled like lovely perfume mixed with sugar plum lotion. Jessica always smelled so damn nice.
Burying his face between the soft curve of her jaw and the crook of her neck, he dotted her flesh with kisses and she stirred in his embrace.
“Jessica, ya think we got time for a quickie, baby?” he whispered in her ear.
She giggled at that. He grasped her hand and rushed to the bedroom, where he tore off his shirt and threw it on the floor.
Her room smelled like baby powder and nectar. He made quick work of getting out of his dark jeans and heard her zipper coming down, too. As he finished getting the last stitch of clothing off his body in irritation for slowing him down, she’d already slid under the sheets and waited there like a present with a big, shiny bow. Thick, white fluffy sheets surrounded her, like some lovely cloud.
