CHAPTER XXIII.
PITMAN AS A POLITICIAN--HE IS NOMINATED FOR THE LEGISLATURE--HOW HE WAS SERENADED, AND WHAT THE RESULT WAS--I TAKE A HAND AT POLITICS--THE STORY OF MY FIRST POLITICAL SPEECH--MY RECEPTION AT DOVER--MISERY OF A MAN WITH ONLY ONE SPEECH--THE SCENE AT THE MASS MEETING--A FRIGHTFUL DISCOMFITURE.
Some of the friends of Judge Pitman induced him, just before the lastelection, to permit himself to be nominated for the State Legislature,and accordingly he was presented to the people of this community as acandidate. Of course he was not selected because of his fitness for theposition. The party managers knew him to be a very popular man; and asthe success of the party is the only thing they care for, they chosePitman as the person most likely to secure that result. I cannot saythat I disapproved of the selection. For some reason, it appears to beentirely impossible for American citizens who live in any of the MiddleStates to find educated and intelligent men who are willing to representthem in the Legislatures. Those bodies are composed for the most part ofmen whose solitary purpose is plunder. They are legislators simplybecause it pays better to blackmail railroad companies and to acceptbribes from people who want votes for rascally measures than it does topick pockets. They have the instincts and the principles of apickpocket, but their ambition is greater. They do not stealhandkerchiefs and watches, because they can filch fabulous sums of moneyfrom the public treasury and from villains who want to do dirty workunder the color of the law. They know enough to enable them, with theassistance of party rings, to have themselves counted in atelection-time, and to devise new and dexterous schemes of dishonesty;but in other and rather more desirable of the qualifications oflaw-makers they are deficient. They occupy the most important place inrepublican governments without knowing what republicanism means, andthey create laws for the communities without having any knowledge of thescience of law or the slightest acquaintance with the needs andrequirements of the people for whom they act. The average Americanlegislator is both ignorant and dishonest. Judge Pitman is ignorant, buthe is honest; and as his election would secure at least a very importanthalf of a fitting legislator, I supported him.
My other neighbor, Cooley, was the chairman of the committee to whosecare was consigned the management of the campaign in which Judge Pitmanplayed so prominent a part; and Cooley conducted the business with evenan excess of enthusiasm. Just after the nomination of Pitman, Cooleycalled on him to say that a number of his friends had declared theirintention to offer him a serenade. Cooley informed the judge that somerefreshment must be given to the serenaders, but he, as the chairman ofthe committee, would attend to that; the judge need not makepreparations of any kind. Accordingly, on the following evening a brassband, accompanied by a score or two politicians, entered Pitman'sfront yard, and for half an hour there was some very good music. Thenthe judge came out upon the porch and made a better speech than I hadexpected to hear from him. He concluded by asking the company to enterhis house. Cooley was there with a wagon-load of meat and drink,including, of course, a large quantity of rum of the most impressivekinds. The judge, with the fear of the temperance society present in hismind, protested against the liquor; but Cooley demonstrated to him thathe would be defeated and the party ruined if it was excluded, and soPitman reluctantly permitted it to be placed upon his table. Besides, asCooley had been so very liberal in undertaking to make this provision athis own cost, the judge disliked to hurt his feelings by refusing topermit the use of that which Cooley evidently considered the mostimportant portion of it.
The guests remained at the banquet until four o'clock the next morning,the politicians meanwhile making speeches and the band playingoccasionally in the dining-room in a most uproarious manner. We couldhear the noise at my house during the night, and sleep was possible onlywith the windows closed.
At four o'clock my door-bell rang violently; and upon descending toascertain the cause of a visit at such an unseemly hour, I encounteredJudge Pitman. He was nearly frantic with indignation.
"Adeler," he said, "them fellers is a-carryin' on scand'lus over yer atmy house. They're all drunk as owls; an' when I want 'em to go home,they laugh an' swear an' cheer an' smash the furniture an' bu'st thingsgenerally. Mrs. Pitman's 'bout skeered to death. Can't you come over an'help me clear them out?"
"Why don't you call a couple of policemen? You hunt up two or threeofficers while I dress myself, and we will see if we can't adjourn themeeting."
By the time I was ready Pitman arrived with one policeman, and weproceeded to his house. As we entered, the leader of the band wassitting upon the stairs, infamously drunk, with the handle of hisumbrella in his mouth, vainly endeavoring to play a tune by fumbling hisfingers among the ribs. Mr. Cooley was in a corner of the parlorsupporting himself by the wall while he endeavored to discuss thequestion of the tariff with Pitman's plaster bust of Daniel Webster, andto correct Daniel's view of the local option law. Another politician wassitting upon the carpet crying because, so he informed us, his wife'smaiden name was McCarthy, and just as the policeman was removing him acombat occurred between the bass drummer and a man from Wilmington,during which the drummer was hurled against the pier glass and thendragged out to bleed upon the rug. The house was finally cleared of thecompany just as the church clock struck six, and then Pitman went to bedwith sentiments of complete disgust for politics and politicians.
But he remained a candidate of the party. He had promised to run, and hedetermined to go through with the business.
"That serenade was rough enough without anythin' wuss," said the judgeto me a day or two afterward; "but I did think Cooley was a-rubbin' itin 'most too hard when he come over yesterday with a bill for therefreshments which he wanted me to pay."
"Why, I thought he agreed to supply the supper?"
"So he did. But now he says that of course he was only actin' for me.'The candidate,' he says, 'always foots all the bills.' I'll foot thisone, an' then I'll foot Cooley if he ever brings them ruffians to myhouse agin. I expect nothin' else but the temperance society will shutdown on me for that riot we had t'other night."
"I hope not; but I should think that affair would have made you sorrythat you ever undertook this business."
"So it does," replied the judge, "but I never back down when I go into athing. I'm goin' to run for the Legislatur'; and if I'm elected, I'mgoin' to serve my country honestly until my time's up. Then I'm comin'home, an' goin' to stay home. And what's more, I'll stir up thatLegislatur' while I'm in it. You mind me!"
The result of the contest was that the judge was elected by a largemajority, and he will sit in the next Assembly.
I played a peculiar part in the campaign; and although the narrative ofmy experience as an amateur politician is not a particularly gratefulone to me, it might as well be given, if for no other reason, because itwill serve to warn others against the fate that befel me.
I had for some time entertained a strong conviction that nature designedme for an orator. I was assured that I possessed the gift of eloquencewhich enables great speakers to sway the passions of the multitude, andI felt that I needed but the opportunity to reveal this fact to theworld. Accordingly, at the beginning of the political campaign of whichI speak I sent my name to one of the executive committees of the State,in Wilmington, with the request that it might be written down with thenames of the speakers who could be called upon whenever importantmeetings were held. I waited impatiently all through the campaign for asummons to appear and electrify the people. It did not come, and I wasalmost in despair. But on the day before the election I received fromthe chairman a brief note, saying that I had been announced to speak atDover that evening before a great mass meeting, and requesting me totake the early afternoon train, so that I might report to the localchairman in Dover before nightfall. The pleasure with which this summonswas received was in some measure marred by the fact that I had not aspeech ready, and the time was so short that elaborate preparation wasimpossible. But I determined to throw into some sort of shape the ideasand
arguments which would readily occur to the mind of a man familiarwith the ordinary political questions of the day and with the merits ofthe candidates, and to trust to the inspiration of the occasion for thepower to present them forcibly and eloquently.
Of course it was plain that anything like an attempt at gorgeousness insuch a speech would be foolish, so I concluded to speak plainly anddirectly to the point, and to enliven my argument with some amusingcampaign stories. In order to fix my points firmly in my mind and toensure their presentation in their proper order, they were numbered andcommitted to memory, each argument and its accompanying anecdote beingassociated with a particular arithmetical figure. The synopsis, if itmay be called by that name, presented an appearance something like thefollowing, excepting that it contained a specification of the points ofthe speech which need not be reproduced here.
THE SPEECH.
1. Exordium, concluding with Scott's famous lines, "Breathes there a man with soul so dead," etc.
2. Arguments, introducing a narrative of the facts in the case of Hotchkiss, who was locked out upon the roof of his house all night. (See particulars farther on.) The design of the story is to give a striking picture of the manner in which the opposition party will be left out in the cold by the election. (Make this strong, and pause for cheers.)
3. Arguments, followed by the story of the Kickapoo Indian who saw a locomotive approaching upon the plains, and thinking it was a superior breed of buffalo, determined to capture it, so that he could take the first prize at the Kickapoo agricultural fair. He tied his lasso to his waist and threw the other end over the smoke-stack. The locomotive did not stop; but when the engineer arrived at the next station, he went out and cut the string by which a small bit of copper-colored meat was tied to his smoke-stack. This is to illustrate the folly of the attempt of conservatism to check the onward career of pure and enlightened liberalism toward perfect civilization, etc., etc.
4. Arguments, and then the anecdote of that Dutchman in Berks county, Pa., who on the 10th of October, 1866, was observed to go out into his yard and raise the American flag; then he got his gun and fired a salute seventeen or eighteen times, after which he consumed six packs of fire-crackers and gave three cheers for the Union. He enjoyed himself in this manner nearly all day, while his neighbors gathered around outside and placed their elbows upon the fence, watching him and wondering what on earth he meant. A peddler who came along stopped and had an interview with him. To his surprise, he found that the German agriculturist was celebrating the Fourth of July, 1859. He did not know that it was any later in the century, for he had been keeping his time on a notched stick; and having been sick a great deal, he had gotten the thing in a dreadful tangle. When he learned that he was seven Fourths in arrears, he was depressed; but he sent out and bought a box of fire-crackers and a barrel of gunpowder, and spent a week catching up.
(Tell this vivaciously, and make the point that none but a member of the other party could forget the glorious anniversary of our country's birth, and say that the whole party will have to do up a lot of back patriotism some day, if it desires to catch up with the people whose devotion to the country is encouraged and kept active by our side.)
5. Arguments, supplemented with the narrative of a confiding man who had such child-like faith in a patent fire-extinguisher which he had purchased that he set fire to his house merely to have the fun of putting it out. The fire burned furiously, but the extinguisher gave only two or three imbecile squirts and then collapsed, and in two hours his residence was in ashes. Go on to say that our enemies have applied the torch of anarchy to the edifice of this government, but that there is an extinguisher which will not only _not_ collapse, but will subdue the flames and quench the incendiary organization, and that extinguisher is our party. (Allow time for applause here.)
6. Arguments, introducing the story of the Sussex county farmer who was discouraged because his wife was perfidious. Before he was married she vowed over and over again that she could chop four cords of wood a day, but after the ceremony the farmer found he was deceived. The treacherous woman could not chop more than two cords and a half, and so the dream of the husband was dissipated, and he demanded a divorce as the only balm for the wounds which lacerated his heart. Let this serve to illustrate the point that our political enemies have deceived us with promises to reduce the debt, to institute reforms, etc., etc., none of which they have kept, and now we must have the government separated from them by such a divorce as will be decreed to-morrow, etc., etc.
7. Peroration, working in if possible the story of Commodore Scudder's dog, which, while out with its master one day, pointed at some partridges. The commodore was about to fire, but he suddenly received orders to go off on a three years' cruise, so he dropped his gun, left the dog standing there and went right to sea. When he returned, three years later, he went back to the field, and there was his gun, there was the skeleton of the dog still standing and pointing just as he had left it, and a little farther on were the skeletons of the partridges. Show how our adversaries in their relations to the negro question resemble that dog. We came away years ago and left them pointing at the negro question, and we come back now to find that they are at it yet. Work this in carefully, and conclude in such a manner as to excite frantic applause.
It was not much of a speech, I know. Some of the arguments were weak,and several of the stories failed to fit into their places comfortably.But mass meetings do not criticise closely, and I was persuaded I shouldmake a good impression, provoking laughter and perhaps excitingenthusiasm. The only time that could be procured for study of the speechwas that consumed by the journey. So when the train started I took mynotes from my pocket and learned them by heart. Then came the task ofenlarging them, in my mind, into a speech. This was accomplishedsatisfactorily. I suppose that speech was repeated at least ten timesbetween New Castle and Dover until at last I had it at my tongue's end.In the cars the seat next to mine was occupied by a colored gentleman,who seemed to be a little nervous when he perceived that I was mutteringsomething continually; and he was actually alarmed once or twice when inexciting passages I would forget myself and gesticulate violently in hisdirection. Finally, when I came to the conclusion and was repeating tomyself the exhortation, "Strike for your altars and your fires," etc.,etc., I emphasized the language by striking fiercely at the floor withthe ferule of my umbrella. It hit something soft. I think it was thecorn of my colored friend, for he leaped up hurriedly, and ejaculating"Gosh!" went up and stood by the water-cooler during the rest of thejourney, looking at me as if he thought it was dangerous for such amaniac to be at large.
When the train arrived at Dover, I was gratified to find the chairman ofthe local committee and eighteen of his fellow-citizens waiting for mewith carriages and a brass band. As I stepped from the car the bandplayed "See, the Conquering Hero comes!" I marched into the waiting-roomof the depot, followed by the committee and the band. The chairman andhis friends formed a semi-circle and stared at me. I learned afterwardthat they had received information from Wilmington that I was one of themost remarkable orators in the State. It was impossible not to perceivethat they regarded me already with enthusiastic admiration; and my heartsank a little as I reflected upon the possibility of failure.
Then the music ceased, and the chairman proposed "three cheers for oureloquent visitor." The devoted beings around him cheered lustily. Thechairman thereupon came forward and welcomed me in the following terms:
"My dear sir, it is with unfeigned satisfaction that I have--may I saythe exalted honor?--of welcoming you to the city of Dover. You come,sir, at a moment when the heart of every true patriot beats high withhope for a glorious triumph over the enemies of our cherishedinstitutions; you come, sir, at a time when our great party, the truerepresent
ative of American principles and the guardian of our liberties,bends to grapple with the deadly foe of our country; at a time, sir,when the American eagle--proud bird, which soars, as we would, to thesun--screams forth its defiance of treason, and when the banner of thefree, the glorious emblem of our nationality, waves us onward tovictory; you come, sir, to animate with your eloquence the hearts of ourfellow-citizens; to inspire with your glowing language the souls ofthose who shrink from performing their duty in this contest; to depictin words of burning, scathing power the shame, the disgrace, theirretrievable ruin, which will befall our land if its enemies arevictorious, and to hold up those enemies, as you well know how, to thescorn and contempt of all honest men. We give you a hearty welcome,then, and assure you that Dover will respond nobly to your appeal,giving to-morrow such a vote for justice, truth and the rights of manthat the conservative wolf will shrink back in dismay to his lair.Welcome, sir, thrice welcome, to our city!"
I stood looking at this man throughout his speech with a conviction,constantly growing stronger, that I should be obliged to reply to him atsome length. The contemplation of such a thing, I need hardly say,filled me with horror. I had never made a speech of the kind that wouldbe required in my life, and I felt positively certain that I could notaccomplish the task now. I had half a mind to hurl at the heads of thischairman and his attendant fiends the entire oration prepared for theevening; but that seemed so dreadfully inappropriate that the idea wasabandoned. And besides, what would I say at the mass meeting? Thecomfort of the situation was not, by any means, improved by the factthat these persons entertained the belief that I was an experiencedspeaker who would probably throw off a dozen brilliant things in asmany sentences. It was exceedingly embarrassing; and when the chairmanconcluded his remarks, the cold perspiration stood upon my forehead andmy knees trembled.
Happily, the leader of the band desired to make himself conspicuous, sohe embraced the opportunity afforded by the pause to give us somestartling variations of "The Star-Spangled Banner."
As we stood there listening to the music, I observed that the energeticgentleman who played upon the drum and cymbals was looking at me withwhat seemed to be a scornful smile. He had a peculiarly cold eye, and ashe fixed it upon me I felt that the frigid optic pierced through andthrough my assumption of ease and perceived what a miserable sham it wasfor me to stand there pretending to be an orator. I quailed before thateye. Its glance humiliated me; and I did not feel more pleasantly when,as the band dashed into the final quavers which bring up suggestions of"the land of the free and the home of the brave," I saw the scorn whicherst flashed from that eye change to a look of wild exultation. Thecymbal man knew that my hour had come. He gave a final clash with hisbrasses and paused. I had to begin. Bowing to the chairman, I said,
"Mr. Chairman and fellow-citizens, there are times--times--there aretimes, fellow-citizens, when--times when--when the heart--there aretimes, I say, Mr. Chairman and fellow-citizens, when the heart--theheart of--of--" It wouldn't do. I stuck fast, and could not get outanother word.
The cold-eyed man seemed ready to play triumphal strains upon his drumand to smash out a paean upon his cymbals. In the frenzy and desperationof the moment, I determined to take the poetry from my exordium and tojam it into the present speech, whether it was appropriate or not. Ibegan again:
"There are times, I say, fellow-citizens and Mr. Chairman, when theheart inquires if there breathes a man with soul so dead, who never tohimself hath said, 'This is my own, my native land'--whose heart hasne'er within him burned as home his footsteps he hath turned fromwanderings on a foreign shore? If such there breathe, go, mark himwell!" (Here I pointed to the street, and one of the committee, whoseemed not to comprehend the thing exactly, rushed to the window andlooked out, as if he intended to call a policeman to arrest the wretchreferred to.) "For him no minstrel raptures swell." (Here the leader ofthe band bowed, as if he had a vague idea that this was a complimentingeniously worked into the speech for his benefit; but the cold-eyedman had a sneering smile which seemed to say, "It won't do, my man, itwon't do. I can't be bought off in that manner.") "High though histitles, proud his name, boundless his wealth as wish can claim; despitethese titles, power and pelf, the wretch, concentred all in self,living, shall forfeit fair renown, and doubly dying shall go down to thevile dust from whence he sprung, unwept, unhonored and unsung."
I stopped. There was embarrassing silence for a moment, as if everybodythought I had something more to say. But I put on my hat and shoulderedmy umbrella to assure them that the affair was ended. Then it began tobe apparent that the company failed to grasp the purpose of my remarks.One man evidently thought I was complaining of something that happenedto me while I was upon the train, for he took me aside and asked me in aconfidential whisper if it wouldn't be better for him to see theconductor about it.
Another man inquired if the governor was the man referred to.
I said, "No; the remarks were of a poetical nature; they were quoted."
The man seemed surprised, and asked where I got them from.
"From _Marmion_."
He considered a moment, and then said,
"Don't know him. Philadelphia man, I reckon?"
The occasion was too sad for words. I took the chairman's arm and wemarched out to the carriages, the cold-eyed man thumping his drum as ifhis feeling of animosity for me would kill him if it did not findvigorous expression of that kind.
We entered the carriages and formed a procession, the band, on foot,leading the way and playing "Hail to the Chief." I rode with thechairman, who insisted that I should carry the American flag in my hand.As we passed up the street the crowd cheered us vehemently severaltimes, and the chairman said he thought it would be better if I wouldrise occasionally and bow in response. I did so, remarking, at the last,that it was rather singular such a reception should be given to acomplete stranger.
The chairman said he had been thinking of that, and it had occurred tohim just at that moment that perhaps the populace had mistaken thecharacter of the parade.
"You see," said he, "there is a circus in town, and I am a little bitafraid the people are impressed with the idea that this is the showman'sprocession, and that you are the Aerial King. That monarch is a man ofabout your build, and he wears whiskers."
The Aerial King achieved distinction and a throne by leaping into theair and turning two backward somersaults before alighting, and also bystanding poised upon one toe on a wire while he balanced a pole upon hisnose. I had no desire to share the sceptre with that man, or to rob himof any of his renown, so I furled the flag of my beloved country, pulledmy hat over my eyes and refused to bow again.
It was supper-time when we reached the hotel, and as soon as we entered,the chairman invited us into one of the parlors, where an elaboraterepast had been prepared for the whole party. We went into the room,keeping step with a march played by the band, which was placed in thecorner. When supper was over, it was with dismay that I saw theirrepressible chairman rise and propose a toast, to which he called uponone of the company to respond. I knew my turn would come presently, andthere seemed to be no choice between the sacrifice of my great speech tothis paltry occasion and utter ruin and disgrace. It appeared to me thatthe chairman must have guessed that I had but one speech, and that hehad determined to force me to deliver it prematurely, so that I might beoverwhelmed with mortification at the mass meeting. But I made up mymind to cling desperately to the solitary oration, no matter how muchpressure was brought to bear to deprive me of it. So I resolved that ifthe chairman called upon me I would tell my number two story, giving thearguments, and omitting all of it from my speech in the evening.
He did call. When two or three men had spoken, the chairman offered thetoast, "The orator of the evening," and it was received with applause.The chairman said: "It is with peculiar pleasure that I offer thissentiment. It gives to my eloquent young friend an opportunity whichcould not be obtained amid the embarrassments of the depot to offer,without restrai
nt, such an exhibition of his powers as would prove tothe company that the art which enabled Webster and Clay to win theadmiration of an entranced world was not lost--that it found a masterinterpreter in the gentleman who sits before me."
This was severe. The cold-eyed child of the Muses sitting with the bandlooked as if he felt really and thoroughly glad in the inmost recessesof his soul for the first time in his life.
I rose, and said: "Mr. Chairman and gentlemen, I am too much fatigued tomake a speech, and I wish to save my voice for to-night; so I will tellyou a story of a man I used to know whose name was Hotchkiss. He livedup at New Castle, and one night he thought he would have a littleinnocent fun scaring his wife by dropping a loose brick or two down thechimney into the fireplace in her room. So he slipped softly out of bed;and dressed in his night-shirt, he stole up stairs and crept out uponthe roof. Mr. Hotchkiss dropped nineteen bricks down that chimney, Mr.Chairman and gentlemen, each one with an emphatic slam, but his wifedidn't scream once."
Everybody seemed to think this was the end of the story; so there was aroar of laughter, although I had not reached the humorous part or thereal point of the anecdote, which describes how Hotchkiss gave it upand tried to go down stairs, but was surprised to find that Mrs.Hotchkiss, who had been watching all the time, had retreated fasteningthe trap-door, so that he spent the next four hours upon the comb of theroof with his trailing garments of the night fluttering in the eveningbreeze. But they all laughed and began to talk; and the leader of theband, considering that his turn must have come, struck out into "HailColumbia," while the man with the cymbals seemed animated with fiendishglee.
I tried to explain to the chairman that it was all wrong, that theaffair was terribly mixed.
He said he thought himself that it seemed so somehow, and he offered toexplain the matter to the company and to give me a chance to tell thestory over again properly.
I intimated, gloomily, that if he undertook such a thing I would blowout his brains with the very first horse-pistol I could lay my handsupon.
He said perhaps, then, it would be better not to do.
* * * * *
The proceedings at the mass meeting were to begin at eight o'clock. Athalf-past seven I went to the telegraph office, and sent the followingdespatch to the Wilmington papers, fearing the office might be closedwhen the meeting adjourned:
"DOVER, ---- --, 18--: A tremendous mass meeting was held here to-night.The utmost enthusiasm was displayed by the crowd. Effective speecheswere made by several prominent gentlemen, among them the eloquent youngorator Mr. Max Adeler, whose spirited remarks, interspersed withsparkling anecdote, provoked uproarious applause. Dover is good for fivehundred majority, and perhaps a thousand."
At eight o'clock a very large crowd really did assemble in front of theporch of one of the hotels. The speakers were placed upon the balcony,which was but a few feet above the pavement, and there was also a numberof persons connected with the various political clubs of the town. Ifelt somewhat nervous; but I was tolerably certain I could speak mypiece acceptably, even with the poetry torn out of the introduction andthe number two story sacrificed. I took a seat upon the porch and waitedwhile the band played a spirited air or two. It grieved me to perceivethat the band stood directly in front of us upon the pavement, thecold-eyed drummer occupying a favorable position for staring at me.
The chairman began with a short speech in which he went over almostprecisely the ground covered by my introduction; and as that portion ofmy oration was already reduced to a fragment by the use of the verses, Iquietly resolved to begin, when my turn came, with point number two.
The chairman introduced to the crowd Mr. Keyser, who was received withcheers. He was a ready speaker, and he began, to my deep regret, bytelling in capital style my story number three, after which he used upsome of my number six arguments, and concluded with the remark that itwas not his purpose to occupy the attention of the meeting for anylength of time, because the executive committee in Wilmington had sentan eloquent orator who was now upon the platform and would present thecause of the party in a manner which he could not hope to approach.
Mr. Keyser then sat down, and Mr. Schwartz was introduced. Mr. Schwartzobserved that it was hardly worth while for him to attempt to makeanything like a speech, because the gentleman from New Castle had comedown on purpose to discuss the issues of the campaign, and theaudience, of course, was anxious to hear him. Mr. Schwartz would onlytell a little story which seemed to illustrate a point he wished tomake, and he thereupon related my anecdote number seven, making itappear that he was the bosom friend of Commodore Scudder and anacquaintance of the man who made the gun. The point illustrated I wasshocked to find was almost precisely that which I had attached to mystory number seven. The situation began to have a serious appearance.Here, at one fell swoop, two of my best stories and three of my sets ofarguments were swept off into utter uselessness.
When Schwartz withdrew, a man named Krumbauer was brought forward.Krumbauer was a German, and the chairman announced that he would speakin that language for the benefit of those persons in the audience towhom the tongue was pleasantly familiar. Krumbauer went ahead, and thecrowd received his remarks with roars of laughter. After oneparticularly exuberant outburst of merriment, I asked the man who satnext to me, and who seemed deeply interested in the story,
"What was that little joke of Krumbauer's? It must have been firstrate."
"So it was," he said. "It was about a Dutchman up in Berks county,Penna., who got mixed up in his dates."
"What dates?" I gasped, in awful apprehension.
"Why, his Fourths of July, you know. Got seven or eight years in arrearsand tried to make them all up at once. Good, wasn't it?"
"Good? I should think so; ha! ha! My very best story, as I'm a sinner!"
It was awfully bad. I could have strangled Krumbauer and then choppedhim into bits. The ground seemed slipping away beneath me; there was themerest skeleton of a speech left. But I determined to take that and domy best, trusting to luck for a happy result.
But my turn had not yet come. Mr. Wilson was dragged out next, and Ithought I perceived a demoniac smile steal over the countenance of thecymbal player as Wilson said he was too hoarse to say much; he wouldleave the heavy work for the brilliant young orator who was here fromNew Castle. He would skim rapidly over the ground and then retire. Hedid. Wilson rapidly skimmed all the cream off of my arguments numberstwo, five and six, and wound up by offering the whole of my number fourargument. My hair fairly stood on end when Wilson bowed and left thestand. What on earth was I to do now? Not an argument left to standupon; all my anecdotes gone but two, and my mind in such a condition offrenzied bewilderment that it seemed as if there was not anotheravailable argument or suggestion or hint or anecdote remaining in theentire universe. In an agony of despair, I turned to the man next to meand asked him if I would have to follow Wilson.
He said it was his turn now.
"And what are you going to say?" I demanded, suspiciously.
"Oh, nothing," he replied--"nothing at all. I want to leave room foryou. I'll just tell a little story or so, to amuse them, and then sitdown."
"What story, for instance?" I asked.
"Oh, nothing, nothing; only a little yarn I happen to remember about afarmer who married a woman who said she could cut four cords of wood,when she couldn't."
My worst fears were realized. I turned to the man next to me, and said,with suppressed emotion,
"May I ask your name, my friend?"
He said his name was Gumbs.
"May I inquire what your Christian name is?"
He said it was William Henry.
"Well, William Henry Gumbs," I exclaimed, "gaze at me! Do I look like aman who would slay a human being in cold blood?"
"Hm-m-m, n-no; you don't," he replied, with an air of criticalconsideration.
"But I AM!" said I, fiercely--"I AM; and I tell you now that if youundertake to relate that anecdote about t
he farmer's wife I will blowyou into eternity without a moment's warning; I will, by George!"
Mr. Gumbs instantly jumped up, placed his hand on the railing of theporch, and got over suddenly into the crowd. He stood there pointing meout to the bystanders, and doubtless advancing the theory that I was anoriginal kind of a lunatic, who might be expected to have at any momenta fit which would be interesting when studied from a distance.
The chairman looked around, intending to call upon my friend Mr. Gumbs;but not perceiving him, he came to me and said:
"Now is your chance, sir; splendid opportunity; crowd worked up to justthe proper pitch. We have paved the way for you; go in and do yourbest."
"Oh yes; but hold on for a few moments, will you? I can't speak now; thefact is I am not quite ready. Run out some other man."
"Haven't got another man. Kept you for the last purposely, and the crowdis waiting. Come ahead and pitch in, and give it to 'em hot and heavy."
It was very easy for him to say "give it to them," but I had nothing togive. Beautifully they paved the way for me! Nicely they had worked upthe crowd to the proper pitch! Here I was in a condition of franticdespair, with a crowd of one thousand people expecting a brilliantoration from me who had not a thing in my mind but a beggarly storyabout a fire-extinguisher and a worse one about a farmer's wife. Igroaned in spirit and wished I had been born far away in some distantclime among savages who knew not of mass meetings, and whose languagecontained such a small number of words that speech-making wasimpossible.
But the chairman was determined. He seized me by the arm and fairlydragged me to the front. He introduced me to the crowd in flattering,and I may say outrageously ridiculous, terms, and then whispering in myear, "Hit 'em hard, old fellow, hit 'em hard," he sat down.
The crowd received me with three hearty cheers. As I heard them I beganto feel dizzy. The audience seemed to swim around and to increasetenfold in size. By a resolute effort I recovered my self-possessionpartially, and determined to begin. I could not think of anything butthe two stories, and I resolved to tell them as well as I could. I said,
"Fellow-citizens: It is so late now that I will not attempt to make aspeech to you." (Cries of "Yes!" "Go ahead!" "Never mind the time!"etc., etc.) Elevating my voice, I repeated: "I say it is so late nowthat I can't make a speech as I intended on account of its being so latethat the speech which I intended to make would keep you here too late ifI made it as I intended to. So I will tell you a story about a man whobought a patent fire-extinguisher which was warranted to split fourcords of wood a day; so he set fire to his house to try her, and--No, itwas his wife who was warranted to split four cords of wood--I got itwrong; and when the flames obtained full headway, he found she couldonly split two cords and a half, and it made him--What I mean is thatthe farmer, when he bought the exting--courted her, that is, she saidshe could set fire to the house, and when he tried her, she collapsedthe first time--the extinguisher did, and he wanted a divorcebecause his house--Oh, hang it, fellow-citizens, you understand thatthis man, or farmer, rather, bought a--I should say courted a--that is,a fire-ex--" (Desperately.) "Fellow-citizens! IF ANY MAN SHOOTS THEAMERICAN FLAG, PULL HIM DOWN UPON THE SPOT; BUT AS FOR ME, GIVE MELIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH!"
As I shouted this out at the top of my voice, in an ecstasy ofconfusion, a wild, tumultuous yell of laughter came up from the crowd. Ipaused for a second beneath the spell of that cold eye in the band, andthen, dashing through the throng at the back of the porch, I rushed downthe street to the depot, with the shouts of the crowd and the uproariousmusic of the band ringing in my ears. I got upon a freight train, gavethe engineer five dollars to take me along on the locomotive, and spentthe night riding to New Castle.
Out of the Hurly-Burly; Or, Life in an Odd Corner Page 26
