Holden stared at the wall. I couldn’t push him to continue. He needed to find the words.
“They were both struggling with it and it went off. Jacko says he just intended on giving dad a scare but who knows? The cops turned up to arrest Jacko while I was there. Shit, Carlie, it was the one decent thing he did in his life. Even when people around here attacked me, what could I say? It's not like I had a family I was proud of. King by name, trash by nature."
I rubbed his back. This pain would never leave him but maybe, if he let it out, it'd lessen.
"I've got to go to the funeral. It's the only thing I can do. It'll get out. The local press will be all over this now it's been classed as murder. And, after that, some local is going to mouth off and bring my name into it."
"People can't blame you."
"You know they will. Maybe they're right. I've been doing a lot of thinking. No matter how far away I get from them, they are still part of me. I can't escape it. There's bad in the lot of them and there's bad in me."
"No, there isn't." He had to see that he was nothing like them.
"Hell, Carlie, I have to face up to it. I can't fight it unless I admit it first. I'm no saint. If you hadn't come along and believed in me, I might be over there tonight, getting drunk... drunker and fighting. I want to be a better person. Not by fame or money but a better person in my heart."
“Ha, you’re a better person than me. I’m still the one fighting. God, if I was a man, I’d be up on domestic violence charges.”
I put my head on his shoulder. I'd never seen Holden vulnerable like this before. I’d been so wrapped up in my pain that I’d not noticed his.
"Will you come to the funeral with me?" he asked.
"Of course."
"Don't answer too lightly. There'll be photographers there, the whole shit storm."
"We've been through shit storms before." I took his hand in mine and traced my thumb along the side of his hand.
"I was wrong to ask you to have me back," he said. "I know that now. I was only thinking of myself, not the pain I’d caused you."
"I was wrong too," I said, my voice barely more than a whisper. "I went crazy. I thought the whole world was going to fall apart and I pushed you until it did."
Holden tried to grin at me, a wonky, uneven grin. He looked so frail that I was scared.
"We were so fucked up back then."
"We had good times too. The best times." I got up and walked around the room.
My stomach knotted up like I was about to dive off a cliff, the feeling so intense and scary, I wasn't sure if I could live through it. Holden couldn't give me back my trust and there were no words he could say to fix the past but I realized something. I couldn't wait for trust to appear from the sky. The trust fairy wasn’t going to appear and sprinkle me with magic dust. I’d die waiting for that. It wasn't something that would ever grow back unless I gave him a chance.
"I'm going to stop running," I said. "I don't know if this will work between us but I'm willing to give it a chance."
He looked up at me. "Are you sure, Carlie? Are you sure I'm worth it?"
I nodded. "It won't be easy, I know that. We both have a lot of fighting to do. Not with each other but with ourselves."
"I know."
We both laid back on the bed, smoking another cigarette and listening to music like the last few years had melted away.
Chapter 29
I PICKED UP HOLDEN to take him to the funeral. We figured it’d be better for me to drive. He was too emotional. Dad had offered to drive Holden and me but I'd refused. I didn't want Holden exposed to questioning from my family.
We planned to leave town straight afterward, so I’d packed my bag and Holden checked out of his hotel room.
“Let’s do this thing,” he said, forcing a grin.
They'd asked him to be a pallbearer but he'd declined. Instead, his cousins did it.
Apart from the King clan, the service was filled with people who'd never spoken to Lionel King his entire life. They'd all come to gossip and snoop.
We walked to the front pew of the church. Before he could sit down, his mother began wailing. One of his uncles wrapped his arm around her. Holden hesitated and shook his head, then headed for the back of the church.
I slid in beside him and smoothed out my dress. I had no idea what was going through Holden’s mind as he sat there. People came into the church and stared at him, turning away when he met their eye. I grabbed his hand and we sat with our shoulders touching throughout the service.
The words they spoke meant nothing. They'd not known the man. He sounded like a saint after his death. No mention of him getting drunk and beating his wife. Nothing about the hundreds of wrongs he'd done. Maybe they were better off buried with him. It’d do no one any good to rake over the dirt.
When we left the church, people came over to shake Holden's hand. I fended them off and got Holden to the car. A few cameras went off, getting shots of us together. The buzz of whispers increased as more people came out.
When we were safely in the car, we smiled at each other. Sad smiles that would help us get through the rest of the day.
"Are you sure you want to go to the cemetery?" I asked. "We could just leave."
"Let's see this through."
I spun gravel leaving the parking lot and we got to the cemetery before anyone else.
I lit up a cigarette. “Nice day for a funeral.”
From the parking lot at the top of the hill, you could see all over the town. It looked like such a peaceful place.
We walked, hand in hand, down the hill to the graveside. The sun scorched the earth as we stood. The burial was over quickly.
“Are you going to talk to your family before we leave?” I asked Holden. It seemed stupid for him to come all this way and not even greet them.
He shook his head.
“They aren’t my family,” he said. “You are. You’re the only family I’ve ever had.”
We walked back to the car trying not to rush too fast.
"Holden King," a girl screamed when we were halfway to the car. "I thought it was you. I had to come over and say hello. Wow, I always knew you'd hit the big time.”
I recognized her. She'd been one of the popular girls at school. I don't think she'd ever spoken to either of us before but she stroked Holden's arm like they were best friends.
“Can we just have one photo together?”
That was so inappropriate. At his father’s funeral even. My pulse quickened. I shot her a look and opened my mouth. Then I shut it again and gulped down the words that formed in my throat.
This was Holden King. Even if he was mine, he’d be public property. No matter where we went or what we did, there’d be a girl and she’d want a photo with him. She’d stand too close and she’d rub her tits against him. Hell, she’d even try to dry hump him.
I’d never like it or accept it but it was what it was. I couldn’t punch every fan, even if I wanted to. I couldn’t build a wall around him and make him exclusively mine.
Holden grabbed her arm and pulled it off him.
"Do I know you?" he said.
She opened her mouth to answer him but he cut her down with a single glance.
The two of us walked to the car and Holden got behind the wheel, tearing off and leaving that small town as a dot in our rear vision mirror. I might never come back again and I was fine with that. I would make more of an effort to keep in touch with Mum and Dad, though.
We had music blaring on the stereo, our lives in front of us, and a tiny bit more wisdom than the last time we’d left.
I’d even managed to stay with my parents without any fights. I’d never thought that was possible.
I reached over to change the music.
“You’re wearing my ring,” Holden said. “That means you want to spend an eternity with me.”
I held up my hand with that cheap, plastic ring on my finger.
“This thing, phht, it’s hardly lik
ely to last eternity. I just put it on so I didn’t lose it.” I twisted the ring on my finger and didn’t look at him.
“Yeah, right. You love me, Carlie. Admit it. You love me with your whole heart. You belong to me and you’ll be mine forever.”
“I’m not...” Who was I kidding? I didn’t need to put on this tough act with Holden. “Yeah, okay, I love you. I’ve said it. Are you happy now?”
“Hell yeah, I’m happy. I’m going to pull over here so I can kiss the fuck out of you without crashing the car.”
I thought he was joking until we came skidding to a stop at the side of the road.
What did I care about his fans? They could have their few moments of glory with him. I’d smile and pretend it was okay. Because I was the one he’d come home to.
Holden King loved me and I was his rock princess.
Chapter 30
"CARLIE," DREW SCREAMED as I walked in the door of Trouble. "I missed you."
He rushed over and hugged me. Drew could be weird like that. I’d missed that little guy too, though.
"Sure, Drew."
"Seriously, Carlie, no one else is nice to me like you are."
I made a note that I had to be meaner to Drew. I couldn't have him thinking I was all soft and easy. Even the smell of Trouble, stale beer and old rockers, made me happy. This was my place in the world. The place I belonged.
Holden followed me in the door and suddenly, the talking stopped. All eyes looked from him to me and back again. And every pair of eyes burned with questions.
Well, not all of them, of course. Random customers probably didn’t care. But Alex and Violet definitely burned.
I didn't explain. I didn’t want to put things into words at the moment.
It was good to be home.
Hell, I still had the picture of Holden with devil horns behind the bar. I rushed over to tear it down.
“Leave it up,” he said. “I kinda like it.”
As I glanced around the place, something was missing. It took a minute to put my finger on it. There was a big Jackson-shaped space at the corner of the bar with no Jackson sitting in it.
"Where's Jackson?"
"That's a mystery," Drew said. "He was here one night and then Gina left, crying, and Jackson hasn't been back in."
Shit, that did not sound good. That didn’t sound good at all.
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Want to know Jackson’s story? Keep reading The Trouble with Rock Stars and find out what happens with this mismatched couple. Can Gina find love with the surly ex-rock star or is he too wounded to love? Keep reading for a bonus chapter.
Too Many Rock Stars: Violet’s Story
Rock Star Returns: Carlie’s Story
The Trouble with Rock Stars: Jackson’s Story
Rock Revenge: Alex’s Story
Or check out all my rocker romance series.
About me:
CANDY J. STARR USED to be a band manager until she realized that the band she managed was so lacking in charisma that they actually sucked the charisma out of any room they played. “Screw you,” she said, leaving them to wallow in obscurity – totally forgetting that they owed her big bucks for video equipment hire.
Candy has filmed and interviewed some big names in the rock business, and a lot of small ones. She’s seen the dirty little secrets that go on in the back rooms of band venues. She’s seen the ugly side of rock and the very pretty one.
But, of course, everything she writes is fiction.
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Bonus Chapter – The Trouble with Rock Stars
GINA LOVES ME. I KNOW that as a truth. She loves me more than any man deserves to be loved, but especially a broken-down fool of a man like me. That girl should run from me as fast and as far as possible. She should take her pretty blue eyes and turn them on someone else. A man who can make her happy and cherish her. A man who is whole.
I’ve buried my life in this corner of the bar with a glass of whiskey as my only sustenance for so long. I can’t even imagine what she sees in me. I’m not a man to be saved or rescued or helped. I’m on the trash heap and that’s where I’ll stay.
“Teach me how to play guitar,” Drew said, sitting down beside me at the bar.
“No.”
I didn’t even turn to face him. It wasn’t open for discussion. I had no interest in becoming a guitar teacher for anyone let alone a scared little pup like Drew. Teaching Drew guitar would have to be on my top ten list of things I didn’t want to do at any given moment and he’d picked the totally wrong time to ask me. My nerves were stretched as tight as a drum knowing what I had to do. Something terrible, something that will rip me apart, and I was so edgy, I might punch him first.
“Come on, Jackson. I thought you were my friend.”
“Yeah, if you want to stay my friend, you’ll shut up about it.”
Gina’s pretty and full of dreams. She has a quiet charm that many overlook but it’s all the sweeter for being hidden. When she walked into the bar, she didn’t turn heads. She didn’t have men look up from their drinking and wish they were the one she searched for. But that’s because most men are blind. They’d rather the glass that glitters like diamonds than to have to polish the diamond to make it shine.
When Gina’s gaze searched the bar, she always looked for me. Even though I’m always in the same place, just like the beer taps and the posters on the walls and the sign that says “no service area”. She’d see me and her eyes would light up, every time.
After tonight, she won’t search for me anymore. She won’t look in my direction and her eyes sure as hell won’t light up.
The first time she came into the bar, she sat in the corner and didn’t talk to anyone. I think she’d come to see one of the bands playing upstairs but had turned up too early and had to wait around. She’d tried to make herself tiny, invisible, but I’d noticed her. I’d noticed her right off. But I didn’t say or do anything. She was a skittish animal who needed to build trust.
I don’t know what it was about her but knowing she was sitting back there made me sit up a bit straighter and try to clean up my language when I spoke.
I wasn’t sure if she’d come back again after that. But she did. The next time she came in, the bar was quiet. There were no bands on. She ordered a drink and sat in the same corner trying to disappear. But Drew got talking to her and then Carlie. I think Drew sat down at her table and told her his life story.
I hated to admit it but it niggled me to see her paying so much attention to Drew. While they talked, I watched how she responded to him, her face animated. A strand of her hair would fall down and she’d tuck it back behind her ear, then it’d fall again. My hand itched to be the one restraining that errant lock.
Then she smiled and it was like a kick in the guts. It wasn’t even much of a smile, just a tiny curl in the corners of her mouth. A polite smile. But it hit me. Oh Lord, it hit me.
She sat there and listened to Drew’s boring story and, trust me, Drew’s stories are always boring. Her gaze didn’t dart around the room and she didn’t fob him off. She’d sat there and listened.
I hated to do this to her.
Drew’s voice yammered in my ear.
“Please, Jackson. It’d be only a few hours a week and I’ll practice really hard. I really, really want to learn guitar.” Drew never gave up.
“So, get Alex to teach you. Or Holden. He seems
to be hanging around the bar often enough. They are both good. I can’t even play guitar any more. It’s been so long, I’ve forgotten how. Why would you even want me? It’s not like I’d be able to show you anything, just bark instructions.”
“Alex is too scary. He gets really mean sometimes. Worse than Carlie even. And Holden won’t stick around forever. Do you think Carlie will go with him? As soon as he releases the new album, he’ll go on tour and she’ll go away.”
Holden had stayed in town to lay down this album but he’d not stick around for long. He had a sparkling future ahead of him but I wasn’t sure if Carlie would be happy trailing around on the road with him. She liked being queen of her own domain, not just a hanger-on.
“It’s possible, but who knows with that one. She’s a wild card.”
Gina had been into the bar a handful of times before I even spoke to her. Just a few words in passing. She sat at the bar, talking to Carlie when the night was quiet. I sat on one side of the bar and she sat on the other. That bar, like a huge safety barrier between us. They were discussing one of the bands who’d played the night before.
“They have talent but they’re a bit trite with their lyrics,” I’d said.
Then she quoted a line from one of their songs, twisting the words to have far more meaning than I’m sure the band intended.
Her smile that night was like sunshine, the gentle sunshine of spring that warms your winter bones.
It seemed she moved closer to me around the bar. Sometimes, she’d ask my opinion on something. Was a band worth seeing, who was playing over the next week.
Within a month, she ended up sitting next to me at the bar. We had conversations about real things. And her smile foreshadowed the future.
Rock Star Returns: Carlie's Story (Access All Areas, #2) Page 15
