by Sands, Samie
I’ve caused enough brutal death, maybe that’s what I deserve too.
I want to cry, but I can’t. How can I? This is justice, karma coming to get me.
The infected get closer, all I can smell is them, and I know the end has come for me. As I tense and I prepare to die it hits me that all along the screaming has been coming from me.
One
“Are you serious, Hannah,” I gasp in dismay as she gives me that very serious look of hers. She narrows her eyes and stares down her nose at me, with her lips turned downwards. “That can’t be right, surely?”
“That’s what Dave heard them say. Once the quarantine is made official we’ll have to start killing everyone that’s brought in here.”
“But that’s not why these specialist medical facilities were set up.” I run my fingers through my matted hair, before tossing it up into a ponytail just to keep it off my face. “I thought we were supposed to be helping people, curing this damn virus even.”
“I know.” Hannah shrugs, looking far too blasé for my liking. How can she not see how messed up this is? “But what can we do? It’s not like we have any control over what happens here.” She takes a large, crunching bite out of her apple. “Maybe there is no cure, and that’s why we have to do this.”
I chew on the inside of my mouth as I think. “I just think that’s barbaric, don’t you? People are coming here for help, or because the cops have sent them. They have no idea they’re being sentenced to death.”
“Well, they wouldn’t come if they knew, would they?”
“Are you happy to do some of the killing? Because you do realize they’ll probably be expecting us to do it, don’t you? The people who bark orders at us sit up there doing none of the dirty work themselves. I don’t know about you, but I did not sign up for this. I can barely stand to look at them all strapped down in their beds like freaking animals, never mind anything else. I only tolerate that because it’s keeping us safe.”
“What do you intend to do, Katie? Cure this whole thing yourself? Maybe if you do that they won’t need to kill everyone but judging, by the way, it’s getting way out of control this might be the only way. We need to stub this virus out before it kills everyone. That idea’s scarier, isn’t it?”
I stand up from my comfy chair in the canteen and pad over to the coffee machine, needing a serious caffeine boost before I can even think about that. I understand exactly where she’s coming from, and maybe she is right, but I just cannot think of human life in such a callous way no matter what. We went to medical school to help keep people alive, not to murder them. I’m just not the sort to be able to toss all my morals out the window.
Maybe a time will come where that’s necessary, but for now, I’m sticking firm.
“Yeah, maybe I will find an answer,” I finally reply with an air of indifference about me. “Someone has to do it, don’t they? Why not me?”
Hannah laughs a little too loudly for my liking. “Oh sure, Katie. The whole world goes to hell and you’re the one who saves the day. I can really see that happening.”
Why shouldn’t it be me?
I don’t ask Hannah that because my blood’s boiling now. How dare she assume that I couldn’t do this. Yes, there might be people with more medical experience than me, maybe I’m not the one you’d assume could do it, but that doesn’t mean I definitely can’t.
Determination circles my system like a hot coil in my belly. I feel like I want to at least try when a national disaster like this occurs everyone has to give it a go, don’t they?
Yes, I think I so. I think that it might be me.
Two
As I get home that day, a new positivity races through my brain. My apartment is filled to the brim with all the medical books and journals that I needed to get me through my education and I’m sure that I’ll be able to find something useful to help me. Okay, so this virus is new, it’s unlike anything we’ve ever seen before, but I’m sure there must be similar to go by. There has to be some useful information.
I am going to do this, I have to. I just need to figure out where to start, that’s all.
For a moment, I remember my mom’s proud face when I told her that I got accepted into the medical school I wanted to go to. She always had high hopes for me, she pushed me from a very young age—against my will sometimes—always stating that she knew I’d go far.
I wonder what she’d think of me if she knew I saved the whole damn world! It’s a shame that I’ll never be to share that news with her, even if I do achieve it. She died last year from a terrible case of pneumonia, a fact that still breaks my heart even now. She was always my best friend, the one I wanted to share everything with first. She helped with through heartbreak and bad times, she celebrated all the good stuff with me...my world is a much darker place without her in it.
With a deep sigh, I pick up the picture I have of her on my mantelpiece and I run my finger down her cheek. There’s so much about my mom that I share; the same dirty blonde hair and high cheekbones. The same top-heavy frame and long legs. The blue of my eyes I get from my father...apparently. I haven’t met him, so I guess I’ll never know.
Mom, I wish more than ever that I could pick up the phone to speak to you today, I think gravely as a wet sheen covers my eyes. I’m still sorry that you aren’t here. Still, I’m going to make you proud, just you wait and see.
I know she isn’t really replying to me, yet sometimes I have conversations with her in my mind as a comfort blanket, and in this one she’s pushing me again, telling me that I need to do this, that’s it my purpose in life.
With an excitable, skipping heart, I put her picture back down where I found it and I make my way over to my bookshelf ready to get started somewhere. I just need to use some logic, that’s all. Since we already know this thing is a virus, I guess virology would be the best place to start. I can recall doing a large module based all around that in my education, so I must have all kinds of documents. It’s just lucky that my brain is so wired, that I’m not completely shattered after my long day of work because this might be an all-nighter.
Well, it isn’t my first one, and I’m certain it won’t be my last. Her goes nothing!
Three
I blink a few times as the orangey, dawn-like sun filters through my window, trying to work out why my neck aches so much. I usually have my pillows arranged in the perfect way to avoid Torticollis, so this hot pain is unusual. I rub it roughly before I pull my head upwards.
That’s when I realize that I’ve face-planted in my books at some point during the night. I never even fell asleep on my work during my years at school which just proves how dedicated I am to this cause. I have to do it, especially as I know for a fact that Hannah won’t be the only doubter I face.
“What was I reading?” I ask myself quietly as I flick through the drool-covered pages of the closest book to me. My legs hurt, my back’s in pain, I could really do with standing up but my head’s still firmly in the game. “What was I so fascinated about?”
Bleep, bleep.
I glance around rapidly as I hear my phone blast through the room. I’m not sure exactly what the time is but it feels too early for someone to be texting me. My heart hurts with terror as I try to locate my cell phone in the mess I’ve created around myself. Honestly, why did I have to chuck papers everywhere? It’s only me that’ll have to clean it up. I was so inconsiderate last night.
Ah!
I grab it, and click open the message, noticing Dave’s name at the top of it. It’s addressed to all of the staff at the specialist medical facility.
‘Just a head’s up, guys, today we’re hooking patients up to the ‘death support’ machines. I know some of you aren’t comfortable with this but arguing is futile.’
Almost instantly, the three dots which shows typing pops up under the majority of people’s names. This will cause an endless argument that I just don’t have the time for. I switch my phone to silent and set it down on the table, with my
mind whirring desperately.
I’m not totally sure how Dave gets his hands on this information first, and I also don’t totally know what he means by ‘death support’ machines, but I am aware that this has to speed things up tenfold. If I’m going to cure this then I need to start right now before the dead bodies start piling up. Without any samples, it’s an impossible feat, so as scary as that is for a starting place I don’t think I have any choice.
Blood...it’ll have to be blood.
Somehow, I’m going to make it seem completely natural that I need to take blood from a variety of the people strapped down to the beds. That way I can at least get something to work with. Luckily, I have a lot of testing equipment in storage from my education days so I can grab hold of that too.
Maybe I’ll figure out where I’m going with my plan, maybe not, but at least it’s a start. Now that I know I want to do this I’ll feel much better being proactive. Doing something is always better than taking no action at all, even if it’s only to rule the idea out.
Right, get to work, get this done!
“SO, IT’S POISON?” I hiss at Hannah as she hooks up a drip to someone who, quite frankly, doesn’t seem infected to me. “That’s what we’re doing now?”
“You saw the message from Dave this morning, didn’t you? And the arguments that followed.”
“No, I didn’t.” I’m only half-lying with this one. I only saw the first declaration. “And how is it that Dave always knows everything?”
“He’s nosy.” Hannah shrugs. “And obviously good at it.” Hmm, that could cause issues for me if I’m going to do something in secret. I’ll have to keep an eye on him. “This is our way of killing off the patients slowly and humanely. It’s the only way.”
“But...children?” I glance around the room with a bleeding heart.
“I know, but it’s for the greater good. It’s the only way to stop it spreading.”
“Right well, I better get on with my own thing.”
I already have the syringes in my pockets, I ‘borrowed’ them this morning. Now I just need to fill them with blood.
Simple.
I know it’s easy, I’m sure I can get away with it, so why’s my heart trying to burst out of my chest?
Four
I feel sick. Not just nauseous, but like vomit could spill past my lips at any given moment. Everything I do, all that I see, it just makes me feel worse. It’s like...I know exactly what I’m looking at, but I don’t have a clue at the same time.
I have my medical knowledge, possibly even more than others that studied alongside me because my mother’s pushing worked a little bit too well, but this is beyond me. There’s no way around it, I can’t find the answer I’m so desperately looking for.
I don’t like to admit it, but I’m not sure that I can do it alone. If I was going to ask anyone for help, it would be the people that I work with, but this is probably beyond them too. I need a scientist, an expert of some kind. I wish I knew where to find one...
I’ve tried looking, actually. About an hour after I got in from work I felt so overwhelmed that I got online to search for one, but I had no luck. I don’t really know where to start.
No, it doesn’t matter. I can do this alone!
I bang my fist down on the table as an unexpected burst of determination floods me. I’ve allowed myself to get weary because it isn’t simple, but of course, it isn’t easy. If it was, someone would’ve done it already. We wouldn’t be in the mess that we are. I’m the one that’s supposed to fix this, and if that’s the case then I need to work out how to do that my way, not the way I assume it should be done.
I jump up and make my way into the kitchen where I flick the kettle on for a caffeine fix. This really is a bad habit of mine that’s growing. I know it isn’t good for me, I need to stop at some point. Maybe when all of this is over...
Right, what do I know? Maybe if I organize my thoughts I’ll see something I didn’t notice before. It starts off like the flu, nothing uncommon there. Then the white blood cells stop functioning and the organs just...die off. One-by-one.
Urgh, that’s the really weird part. It doesn’t seem to come from anywhere, and it certainly doesn’t follow the rules of anything else that I’m aware of. From the bloods I have, I can tell how far into the virus they are by the blood cell count which helps me because I didn’t have time to label each sample, but doesn’t help me because I can’t see any way around it.
Once the virus enters the system, there’s no way of stopping it. It slowly kills off the ‘human’ part of the person and leaves only a shell behind. One that doesn’t seem to feel anything but the need to bite or eat flesh. I already knew that, but it’s been confirmed. It progresses at different rates through people, but it’s always the same. It always takes over and the person loses who they once were.
There has to be some way to reverse that. I know it damages the human bodies quite badly, but I can’t give up hope. I need to cling onto the fact that there’s a way to change it. Or at least stop it. I wouldn’t want to give up on the people already too far gone, but even something to stop the virus from spreading in new victims would be better than nothing.
But how the hell am I going to do that?
Without the help of anyone else, the blood isn’t going to be enough. I need scans. I need to see inside the victim’s bodies and their brains. I’m not keen on dissecting them and I don’t think I’ll be able to pull that off, but scans I might be able to do.
I just need to figure out the right excuse to pull that off, especially if Dave is sniffing around. I take a large sip of my coffee and narrow my eyes while I think.
It’s okay if anyone can do this it’s me.
Five
“We need to scan these patients, to see how the poison is affecting them.” I actually tremble as I made this demand to a woman I’ve never seen before. All I know about her is that her name’s Victoria, and she’s one of the people who barks their demands at us.
I had to actually suck up to Dave for a little while this morning to get this information. It was horrible, I’m not good at that sort of thing. I even attempted a little bit of flirting but it didn’t go down well. He’s definitely suspicious of me now.
Never mind, at least I got what I needed for now.
“Why would we do that? Time is of the essence here.” Victoria doesn’t even bother to lift her eyes off the paperwork on the desk in front of her. She’s one of those very stark-looking women, with severe back hair pulled back into a bun, and eyes so dark I fear they might pierce right through me. As a blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman who could really only be described as ‘cutesy’, I’m very intimidated.
“If this ever got out, there would be trouble.”
I suck in sharply as she finally deems me worthy to look at. Damn those eyes, they actually hurt. “How would it get out?”
“Oh no, I don’t mean anything by my statement.” I can feel my cheeks heating up with embarrassment. I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of holding it together despite the strict pep talk I gave myself outside. “I just think that there might come a time where we need to explain our decisions, and if that’s the case then we want all the evidence we can supporting us.” My brain buzzes, the words get confused in my brain but I keep on talking, hoping that I’m making at least some sense. “If we can prove that we did this in the most humane way possible, then family members will be...will be okay with it.”
I’m floundering, I need to get out.
“Hmmm...” Victoria sits further back in her chair and she taps her fingers together. “You know what, you might be onto something.” She blows out a big breath of air while I cling so tightly to the chair my knuckles turn white. I feel she might be about to say yes, but I don’t want to get my hopes up too high, just in case. “Okay, look. Maybe just pick a select sample today and scan those. I don’t want to use too may resources on this, and I certainly don’t want it to take up too much time. The official Lockdown q
uarantine date will be sorted soon and we need to be sorted for it.”
Oh, thank God!
“Yes, of course. I promise I’ll do it quickly and efficiently.” I jump up from my chair, scared that if I let myself say anymore I’ll end up talking myself out of it. “Thank you, Victoria.”
Yes! Now I can definitely do this.
I FEEL WEIRDLY NERVOUS as I tug the images out my bag the moment I get home. It’s been really challenging to keep my stolen pictures a secret all day long, I’ve been so paranoid that it’s made me act suspiciously, but now I’ve done it.
Now, I can actually look through them and work out what I’m seeing. Not that I really know.
I lay the pictures across my living room floor and I stare at them all in turn. It’s easy to see the size of the brain activity shrinking, I can witness the damage to the bodies progressing, now I need to pull out all my books to work out what any of it leads to...
Six
“No, no, I’m not showing any signs of the virus, it’s just a migraine, I think.”
Please don’t start thinking that I’m infected, I know how you treat the virus victims!
“Okay, Katie. Thank you for letting me know. Hopefully, we’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Most definitely.”
As I hang up the phone, ice cold relief courses through my veins. After another night of sitting up, reading, and generally just racking my brain, I just can’t face it. Plus, I need more time with these pictures to work out what I’m going to do next. It’s all well-and-good looking through all this stuff until my eyes hurt, but I’m no further along with my ideas. I still don’t know how I’m going to save the world.
