by Sands, Samie
It isn’t right. I wish I was back at home with my parents. However crazy they are, it’s better than this. Or Rachael. I wish I was with her. I should’ve left when she did. I could be with her now, with other people, living a better life than this. This isn’t an existence for anyone.
Some people must be existing in some way, surely? Everyone can’t be lost and alone like me. I must be the exception to the rule rather than the norm.
To be honest, I’m shocked that I’ve lasted this long. I should be dead by now. I don’t have any survival skills or anything. Why aren’t I dead? What is it about me that’s allowed me to remain alive for this long? Am I special somehow? Or unlucky? It could be both.
“I want to die,” I try to mutter, but I’m too parched, my mouth is too dry and filled with squirrel blood and guts to get the words out. It’s more of a groan.
I look to all the beasts around me, not close enough to smell me, but near enough for me to be acutely aware of them all the time, wishing I could plead with them to just kill me already, but they don’t. They never do.
I’m invisible, but then again, I have spent my entire life being invisible. I suppose there’s no reason for that to change now. Just because the world has ended, why would a lifetime of being ignored?
Just for once, I would like someone to just see me. But that’s a dream that’ll never be realized now. All I can do is keep going until it all ends.
One way or another, this has to end.
Rachael
“I knew you’d be back.”
He gives me a wide, sinister-looking smile. It should be enough to have me turning and running for the hills, but the itching inside of me is too powerful to ignore.
“Benji.” He holds out his hand for me to shake but I refuse. I’m not here to make friends. “Okay, fine. Where’s your little boyfriend tonight?”
I shrug and turn my eyes away. I don’t want to think about Alex tonight, I don’t want to remember how good he makes me feel, because what Benji can offer me will make me feel better.
I know I’m an idiot. I’m not stupid, I know this is ridiculous, but what’s the point of not blocking all my emotions out right now? This isn’t a life, is it? This is the end of the world. It won’t get any better than what we have right here.
Okay, so I have a good thing here if I really think about it.
But I don’t want to think about it.
I just want to think about the bright colors, the happiness, the perfect little world that the drugs allow me to feel. Even though me and Alex told ourselves that it was just a one-time thing and that we’d never do it again...well, here I am, by myself, craving that buzz.
“So, you want another pill, huh?” he asks me with a smirk playing on his lips. “I can sort you out with that.” Relief floods me...at least, it does until the next words come out of his mouth. “But I can’t give you another one for free. You understand that, don’t you? Capitalism and all that.”
“Oh right.” My mouth runs dry, my palms sweat, I give him a desperate look, trying to make him understand my pain. “I didn’t realize that we were still living in a Capitalist society.”
But it soon becomes clear that I’m not dealing with an empathetic person here.
“Yeah, well, that’s how it goes, I’m afraid. Cash, grass, or ass.”
“Cash?” I furrow my brows. “No one has cash.”
He laughs, a nasty sound that chills me to the bone.
“It’s just an expression, sweetheart. What do you have to offer me?”
“Erm...” I don’t know how to answer this. I basically have nothing. “What do people usually give you to pay? I’m new to this game...”
He rolls his eyes. “Trust me, that is obvious. How about you come to my place with me and we have a talk about this without prying eyes watching us.”
I glance around to see absolutely no one looking at us at all. I don’t know what this means, and I don’t want to know. But at the same time, I need that block, I need that buzz, I don’t know how I will make it through the rest of the day if I don’t have that wonderful warmth racing through me.
But how much am I willing to give up to get it?
How much of myself am I willing to lose?
Katie
“Someone is at the gate!”
As soon as I hear those words being yelled around the camp, I bolt. I don’t know who it’s going to be, but even if there’s a one percent chance it’s Oliver, I need to be there.
My heart pulses and pounds, my body throbs with a sensation that’s ready to turn into disappointment at any given moment. I hate getting my hopes up, knowing it’s unlikely to play out...but I also cannot give up. I need Oliver back here. Danny too. I can’t cope without them.
“Who...who...?” I gasp as I reach the balling crowd. “Who is it?”
No one answers, but an excitable murmur rises upwards. I try to push through the people in front of me, but no one’s willing to let me by.
“Katie.”
Everything jolts. My heart lifts. Am I just imagining this? So desperate to see him that I’m making him up? I’m almost trembling, shaking all over, the thrill bursting through me like fireworks.
No, no, no...don’t get too excited. Don’t get carried away. That won’t work!
Deep down, I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the worst, just in case, but honestly, there isn’t any way that I can get ready for that. I can’t do life without Oliver. If that hope candle burns out, I’m done for.
“Katie...is Katie here?”
No, that was definitely him, that was Oliver’s voice. I’m not imagining it. He’s here! He’s actually here.
“I’m Katie!”
Thankfully, people are so addicted to drama and excitement—especially in this world where there isn’t much, certainly not in a positive way anyway—so they step aside to let me through.
My breaths are ragged and desperate, my whole self pounding like crazy. I race forward, needing to see him more than anything in the world...
“Oh my God, Oliver.”
He looks beaten down, injured, hurt...but alive. If I just focus on the alive part, then it doesn’t feel too bad. But I’m still sickened, ill by the thought of him in a bad way.
“Oliver, are you okay?”
“Katie...you’re here. Thank goodness, you’re still here. I...”
He isn’t coming towards me, he has Danny leaning against him, but that’s okay. I race to him and toss my arms around him, hugging him so hard it’s obvious I’m checking he’s real. It isn’t until they start splashing over his top, I realize I’m crying.
“Oliver, I...I’m so glad you’re okay, I was so worried. I have been so worried. Where have you been?”
He doesn’t answer which causes me to pull back, to see his face. There’s something there, a secret behind his eyes, something to suggest it might’ve gone wrong, sending me twirling into the abyss of sheer terror once more.
“What is it?” I demand in the strongest voice I can manage, not that it makes much impact. “What’s happened?”
He glances towards Danny, so I fearfully follow his eye line, my blood burning me up.
“Danny...”
He doesn’t look right, he isn’t himself. There’s something very different about him.
I gulp.
He looks bit.
Danny
Who are all of these people?
What do they want with me?
Anger courses angrily though my veins while I flicker my eyes over them all. They want something from me, I just know it. What I don’t know is what...or if I’m willing to give it up.
“Who are you?” I growl. “Why am I here?”
“What’s he trying to say?” a woman asks...but not to me.
“Can’t you understand me?” We seem to be speaking the same language. What’s going on?
“What happened to him out there, Oliver? What happened to you as well? You both look terrible.”
�
�We had a crash. The car...I lost control,” a male voice shoots back. “I don’t remember all the details, but we got separated for a while.”
“And you have no idea what happened to him during that time?”
I move away, unable to listen to the reply. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want to know or because I don’t believe these people, but as I move, I continue to get strange looks from everyone.
“You brought me here. One of you did,” I yell...only my voice can’t come out loud anymore. Something’s blocking my throat. “You brought me here to kill me. But I’m going to kill you first. All of you. You scum bags!”
As I point my finger into the crowd, a shrill scream explodes from someone, making the crowd disperse. I don’t know if it happens in slow motion or if it just takes my brain a moment to catch up, but the next time I’m fully aware, it’s quieter, more peaceful. Time for me to escape, I believe.
I’m no idiot. I don’t exactly know who I am, but it isn’t a person who sticks around and waits to die. I need to climb over these walls, to find a gate, anything to get back to normality. The outside world has to be better than here.
“Hey, buddy.” I turn to see a statuesque man staring back at me. “How are you doing?”
“I’m not your buddy. Let me go.”
He furrows his eyebrows, confused.
“Okay look, we need to accept it. You’re sick, so it’s time to get you looked over, okay? I know the journey back here was hard. I was there with you, remember? But I care about you, you’re like a brother to me, which is why I don’t like you being ill. Katie doesn’t either, she’s so worried, but she’s scared that you aren’t responding well to her.”
I don’t understand what he’s talking about at all. All I can do is stare in shock.
“Danny?” he asks. “Danny, please...come on. Let me help you. All I want to do is help you.”
Does he really want to help me?
Is this a trap?
“Danny, come on. I’m your friend and you know it. So, let me help you...”
No, it’s a trap. I’m sure of it. I need to defend myself now.
I leap, teeth bared, and I attack.
Benji
I throw my arm casually around Rachael’s shoulder and chuckle as I watch her popping two pills this time around. She has gotten to that point now where she needs more to get that same high, she’s chasing the dragon and she can’t stop. It doesn’t even matter that she won’t ever catch it again, nothing is like that very first high, but she will keep on trying as they all do.
Some would say she’s in hook, line, and sinker.
Her eyes are dead as they meet mine, and I’m not surprised. During this journey with me, she has lost herself, just like we all do. What made her the person that she once was has vanished into thin air and now she is all about this. Hanging around, screwing around, searching for an escape from this reality, because anything is preferable to this life.
“Look around us,” I say to all the faces around me, some I recognize, some I don’t. “It’s awful, isn’t it? No one dies anymore. At least not right away. There are monsters everywhere which leaves us stuck in between these walls. We should all just...leave, don’t you think? Get out there and just enjoy life. Because this is killing us. Slowly but surely.”
“We’ll die if we go out there,” Rachael replies, all monotone. “It’s pointless.”
“So what? We’re dying in here too. What does it matter?”
“You want to give up the little empire that you have here?”
She isn’t saying that with any sarcasm, but I can pretty much feel it anyway. That’s spicy, I kinda like it, and to be honest, she’s right. I don’t want to give up what I have here. My little empire has put me in much more power than I ever could’ve hoped for before the end of the world. In a way, this is good for me. Even if it’s irritating.
“Nah, I don’t.” I roll my eyes. “At least we have a way to escape.”
“I might need another one.” Rachael turns to give me a dead-eyed look. “Those two weren’t enough.” She starts scratching at her arms which is a sign that she might be about to freak out. I take my arm away because I do not have time for that. It happens sometimes with these junkies, and it isn’t what I’m here for. “Benji, I think I need one now.”
“Er, right...” I rise to my feet and back slowly away. I’m not the only one to notice because a couple of the other guys do the same thing. “I will just go and get that one for you.”
I don’t even feel like an asshole when I turn and walk away from her, leaving her to the meltdown on her own, because as far as I’m concerned, she knew what she was getting into. Everybody does. The first time they touch drugs they know what it will do to them, how they’ll end up. That isn’t my responsibility, she needs to sort herself out.
I’m out.
Emma
I miss people.
I miss my life.
I miss my friend, Rachael, who I didn’t have the time to get to know properly. Not as much as I would have liked anyway. More time for us would have created an amazing friendship, I’m sure of it. We could be at school right now, hanging out, taking classes, having fun, living that normal monotonous life that I never wanted to change.
You know what, I even miss my parents. That is something I never thought would happen, but I do. I miss them and their overprotective nature. I wish they could be watching over me now, bossing me around, and telling me what to do. It’s clear that I need to be watched over because I’m not doing the best job of looking after myself, am I?
Sometimes I wonder what that smell is. That thick, pungent scent which infects my nostrils and makes me want to throw up. Other times, I know the smell is me. And it’s more than just the smell of me not washing, which I’m sure isn’t helpful to anything, not that regular showers are a constant feature at the end of the world, but it’s a deep smell underneath the surface.
The smell of death.
No, not death, my brain screams at me. Not death for me. Death is all around me, that’s all.
I must be pretty traumatized because that smell isn’t going anywhere. It’s clinging to me all the time. It makes me wonder if that’s the reason I haven’t found anyone yet. I keep thinking that I must be getting close now to someone who can look after me, but it doesn’t seem to happen.
I press my hand to my stomach as I’m sure I hear a growl. I need some food in there, and I need to eat soon. But I’m too scared to eat because the last time I consumed food it was an animal. I can’t recall what animal, but it was something that I wouldn’t normally consume. I don’t want to be that version of me. It’s horrible.
A wail soon erupts from me, covering up the sounds of the growling. I don’t know if it’s a sob or a burst of anger, but it feels good to let it out. I have always been a person in control of myself, of my life, of my body, but now I am letting that go because I don’t have any choice.
It’s time to release everything that I have locked away deep inside of me, it’s time to let the tight ring around myself go, it’s time to let myself be free. Whoever I might be.
I don’t want to miss anymore. I don’t want to feel anything. I just want to let go and give up on myself because I am not worth fighting for anymore, my life means nothing, this existence on the road by myself is totally lost.
I give up on all of it.
Oliver
“No!” I cry out as Danny jumps at me. “Stop it.”
Somehow, I just about manage to duck and miss his bite while raising my elbow up just hard enough to knock him to the ground. He falls and hits it hard, but it doesn’t seem to slow him down.
Of course, it doesn’t. I know what I’m looking at here, even if I don’t want to accept it.
“No, Danny.” My words come out in a strangled whisper, filled with heartbreak. “No, not you as well. I can’t lose you as well. Too many people are gone now, I can’t lose you.”
But he’s back on his feet and ch
arging at me, hungry for me. It’s time for me to accept that this is no longer Danny, my best friend who has been through so much for me, who has tried to bring me back from the brink of despair a million times, even when it’s seemed impossible and the rest of the world has given up hope on me...no, this is a monster instead.
“This is my fault.” The guilt clings to me like a shadow on my chest that I don’t think I will ever be able to shake off. “If only we stayed here, you would still be fine.”
An unexpected tear leaks from my eye as I’m forced to shove him off me, to push him back to a pathetic heap on the ground. Already, the virus has stripped him of some of his strength. He’s less of him and more of one of them.
“Is it me? Am I a curse? Is everyone close to me destined to die?”
I close my eyes for just a second, thinking about Katie. Never have I ever loved anyone like I do her. Never have I wanted to protect someone as much, but I keep failing, death continues to happen all around me.
Automatically my fingers curl around my gun in the holster around my waist and I remember once pressing the revolver to my head, wanting to end it all. That sensation creeps through me once more, only this time so much more has happened, so I’m frightened that I might cave and act on it.
My fingers shake, it might even be my whole body trembling as I pull my weapon out. This time, I kinda wish it was for me this time around because that would be easier than what I actually have to do.
“Sorry, Danny.” He isn’t in there anymore. At least I hope he isn’t. His body has become a shell for the virus, he’s a host and nothing more. “I don’t want to do this.”
But I caused this, I started it, so I have to be the one to end it.
I point the gun in his direction, watching helplessly as he shambles towards the barrel, towards his own death. Then, with my heart shattering into a million pieces, never to be repaired again, I pull the trigger.
