by Jenni Ogden
“Who has traveled 12,000 miles to get it to you. Dad owes me one,” Lara said, her smile worth more than any present could possibly deliver.
My breath caught when I finally freed the pretty box from its wrapping paper. Inside, on a bed of cotton wool, rested a gold ring set with a dark blue sapphire nestled between two small diamonds. Beside it was a pair of earrings; delicate diamond studs with gold drops glowing with the same dark blue stones. I read Adam’s handwritten note.
Darling Sapphire Eyes,
I never gave you an engagement ring, and I hope you like these. The ring is an eternity ring, and that’s what I want, to be with you always. Perhaps you will wear it whenever you’re not operating. I never really doubted our love, but when I thought I’d lost you and Lara to Katrina, I knew that I could never be happy without you.
I send you Lara so you have time enough together to heal. I hope you find the courage to tell her the truth. I have no doubt at all that with your love she will be able to deal with it. After head injuries, hurricanes, snakes and assisting her mother while she saves lives, discovering that her parents shared the same brother will simply be another colorful strand to add richness to her life experience.
All my love, Adam.
Chapter 27
We spent our first full day together doing nothing. Lazing on the beach and in the hammocks on the deck, eating, and reminiscing about New Orleans, Katrina, and all our new friends. Lara confided that she’d been thinking about medicine as a career instead of a less certain future as a singer. I was both moved and strangely disappointed: moved because she said observing me with my patients had inspired her, and disappointed because of my own dream that one day Adam and I would be part of an audience brought to tears by her voice.
When I spouted the standard balanced comment of a standard balanced parent: “Medicine can be hard, but there are always jobs for doctors. A singing career is less certain, I suppose,” she twirled around, tra-la-la-ing, and came to a stop with deep bow.
“So I’ll be a singing doctor. Don’t worry, Mum, it’s months before I have to decide. I can do all the science subjects next year just in case I decide on medicine, although I think I’ll have to do bloody math, so that might be the end of that dream. But at least there aren’t any school subjects I have to do to become a blues singer.”
That evening I got out Danny's LP and played it for his daughter. She sat on the floor and listened, mesmerized, as she ran her fingers over the photo of Danny on the LP cover.
“He’s so groovy, Mum. And I love his voice. I wish I could sing like that.”
“You are every bit as good,” I told her, my throat constricting. “Your voice has some more maturing to do, but one day…”
“How awful that he died so young. All his wonderful career gone, just like that.” Lara had tears in her voice.
“Darling, don’t cry. It was a long time ago.” I dropped to the floor beside her and covered her hand with mine.
“But it’s so sad, and it makes me think of Tony,” she hiccupped. “I know we weren’t like you and Danny—I hadn’t known him very long—but he was my boyfriend and I felt so bad when he got killed.”
“Oh love, I know, I know.” I held her until her sobs stopped. “I’m sorry I wasn’t really there for you when you were trying to cope with losing Tony. I was too intent on my own problems to realize what you were going through, and that’s unforgivable. I, of all people, should have understood how you were feeling.”
Lara sat back and blew her nose on an already saturated tissue. “It’s OK, Mums. You were going through it all again at the same time, over Danny. We should have helped each other.”
“Am I forgiven?”
“Of course you are. I was so horrible to you and Dad, but you mainly. I was acting like a little kid. But I’m over all that now.”
“I don’t think you were acting like a little kid at all." I grinned at her. "Perhaps a stroppy teenager. But I’m glad we’re OK again.”
“Me, too.” Her brow crinkled. “How can you ever go near that Pa, after finding him?”
“I’ve managed to walk to the Pa end of the beach, but as soon as I look up at it I freak out. I’m determined to climb it though, before I leave here. I hope it will bring back more about what happened that night, and I need to know.”
“Granddad told me about it. The Pa I mean. How it is tapu and people shouldn’t climb up to the top. But he said I should tell you that it is different if it is out of respect for someone who died up there, like Danny.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Did he just. That makes it a bit less scary. When we were kids it was definitely a no-go area.”
“Granddad knows these things. He told me lots about his ancestors. He said he and you and me and Finbar are all tangata whenua of Great Barrier Island. So when we do climb the Pa it’s not as if we’re tourists just doing it for fun. Our ancestors will be with us and we’ll be doing it to honor Danny’s memory.”
“Well, I can hardly argue with that. What do you mean, when we climb the Pa? Do you want to try too?”
“I think that’s partly why I’m here. So you and I can do it together. Dad said he’d be happier if I were with you.” She looked down at her fingers, and picked at a nail. “Dad has been awfully upset. He tries not to let Finbar and me see, but I know. He hardly ever goes out any more with his friends, except to see Mike and Sonja sometimes. Just before I left they had a farewell party for that Irish friend of theirs, Julia. We all went.” She slanted her eyes at me. “Dad thinks she’s become a pain in the butt, always phoning about nothing. He said her poor husband couldn’t stand her conniving, and went back to Dublin. Anyway, she’s gone too now, back to Dublin.”
“Her poor husband,” I said.
“Yeah, that’s what I say.” Lara's grin was slightly wobbly. She held her hands up and inspected her nails. “Dad’s lonely for you. So the sooner we climb the Pa and get back home, the betterer.”
“I couldn’t have put it betterer myself, sweetheart.”
We started early, and were across the stream and at the base of the Pa by eight. It was a perfect day, the surf rolling evenly in across a clear blue sea, and the flanks of the Pa covered in towering flax bushes, their long leaves shining in the sun and their spiky flower stalks a picture against the sky. Scrambling up the faint track to the saddle I breathed evenly, in out, in out, re-lax, re-lax. Lara came close behind me humming to herself, ready to catch me if I stumbled. A tui swept past us with a swish of its wings, its liquid call falling through the air. We watched as it landed on a black flax stalk and, delicately dipping its curved beak into a dark red sticky flower head peeking prematurely from its plump green bud, sucked out its sweet nectar. And then we were on the saddle, the long grass warm and comforting against my bare legs. We sank down into it and the memories flooded back. Happy memories of Andrew and I making huts up here as kids, picnics with Mum and Dad, scrambling down into the pretty stony bay on the seaward side and snorkeling in the deep clear pools. The last time I’d been here was with Danny on Christmas Day, 1988. I still hadn’t realized I was pregnant. We were so very, very happy.
“Bliss,” said Lara, lying back and throwing her arms wide. “Pure bliss.”
“Mmm, it is rather,” I agreed, lying down beside her, my eyes closed so I couldn’t see the steep side of the Pa rising up on our left.
“Why don’t we come back here? We could live in Auckland and come over here every holidays.”
“It would have its charms, but what about all your friends in London? And there is the small matter of earning enough to pay for your and Finbar’s exotic tastes.”
“I know. It’s not going to happen. You’ll be even busier soon when you’re the Director of Neurosurgery,” she said, her voice glum.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen either. I’ve missed the deadline for applying,” I said, noticing how my body felt lighter as it absorbed the warmth of the sun and the scent of the grass.
“But yo
u’ve worked so hard for it. Dad said they’d accept a late application from you. You’re a star now after all the stories about what you did at Memorial. Don’t let sleazy Jim beat you.”
“You know, I don’t think I want the Directorship any more. I’d rather spend more of my time with patients and in surgery, than stressing out about budgets. Let sleazy Jim have it, I say. Not that I want him as my boss, but I’ll simply ignore him.”
“Yeah! Good decision. You’ll have more time with us then.”
We sat up and celebrated with a High-Five. And then we saw them, a pod of dolphins, leaping and dancing through the sparkling blue.
I managed the first part of the almost invisible track to the top of the Pa without even my re-lax re-lax mantra. Lara’s singing helped.
“I love to go a-wandering, along the mountain track,” she bellowed out, behind me, and I remembered singing the same song on hikes with Mum and Dad when Andrew and I were kids.
“Come on Mum, sing with me. “Val-deri…”
“Val-dera,” I warbled, panting as I scrambled around rocks and up and up.
Waltzing Matilda came next, and Lara never even muttered at my off-key rendition. I stopped perhaps twenty meters short of the top, trying to catch my breath, my heart pounding.
“Wow,” Lara said. “Some view.”
We could see the stream, estuary, and beach below us, the dunes rolling into paddocks, blue hills in the distance, and puffy white clouds floating in a blue blue sky. I looked back along the beach where the sea played gently on the sand. I nodded, my heart slowing down. I felt like congratulating it. It wasn’t panicking, this heart of mine. It was simply recovering after some good healthy exercise.
“OK?” Lara said. “Why don’t I go first now and check out the top, and you can follow?”
I nodded again. I didn’t trust myself to speak. I watched her climb the last ten meters and suddenly it was back in my head, and it was Danny’s body I was watching, struggling up to the top. I closed my eyes and clamped my hands over my ears to shut out the crashing sea and howling wind.
The sky has darkened and the rain is soaking through my T-shirt and shorts and the wind is screaming between the track and me. I’m on the ground, hanging onto grass and bushes, crawling my way further up, stones spinning off under me, rain running like a river down the hillside. The sea crashing on the rocks gets louder and louder as I crawl higher and higher. A jagged flash lights up the sky and seems to hit the massive rock balanced on the very top of the Pa. The place where the spirits of Maori chiefs leave this world for the next.
“Mum, are you OK?”
Lara’s voice? What is she doing here with Danny? Another voice. “Georgia, Georgia. Stay away from the edge, we’ll sort it out, stay away.” Danny’s voice. His hands grab my arms, he’s a black shape in the darkness, I can’t see his face, and I push him off me. I grab at the rock; it’s between me and the cliff, the cliff that ends on the rocks and terrible sea so far below. The wind howls around the rock and tries to separate me from it and I crouch into it, my heart breaking. “You’re lying, you’re lying,” a voice is screaming. My voice. “You never loved me, all you care about is your career. You’ve just used me.”
“Georgia, be careful, it’s dangerous, come away from the edge, we’ll work it out, I’m sorry, be careful, come to me.” Danny’s voice shouting. I don’t want to hear him.
“Leave me alone, leave me alone. I never want to see you again.” I hit him and hit him, his body his face that I loved and can’t have. I shove him hard and he comes back and his hands are hurting my arms and I kick out at him and I fall back but the rock isn’t there and I’m falling, falling and the sea is roaring for me and I don’t care, this is all that is left. It’s scratchy and I’ve stopped falling but the sea still roars and waits for me.
“Georgia, Georgia, don’t move. Stay still, hold onto the bush, I’m coming down to get you.” Danny’s voice. My hand grabs the bush and it pulls away and I see my hand grab and grab and then it clings and my other hand clings too. I cling to the bush, it clings to the side of the cliff, and the water pours down past me to the rocks below. My head is squashed in the prickly branches and I hear Danny. He is screaming my name, “Georgia, Georgia,” and I think of him singing, Georgia, Georgia on my mind, and he loves me, he isn’t leaving me, that’s a dream, he loves me and I ran away from him but he came after me because he loves me and I am his heart and he is my heart and his baby is inside me and I mustn’t hurt our baby. Danny is coming down to rescue me and our baby and it will all be all right. I lean my head back out of the scratchy bush and Danny’s shape is climbing down the cliff to me. His foot slips and I scream and he is still climbing down, so slowly, so slowly, and I cling to the bush. A bolt of lightning jags across the sky and Danny’s red hair is flying and I scream as his body, Danny’s body, falls towards me and hits me as I cling to the bush and he’s gone and I didn’t stop him, I didn’t catch him. I look down and can’t see him, only the white foam as the waves pound on the rocks below. I have to go down to him but I can’t, I can’t, it’s too steep and slippery and there are no more bushes to hold on to. I have to climb up the cliff and crawl down the other side and around the bottom through the stream and to the wild sea where it bashes on the cliff and find him, find my Danny before he gets too cold and the sea takes him away from me and our baby. One hand, grab that bush, pull up, the other hand, stretch up to the next bush, pull up.
“Mum, Mum, what is it? Open your eyes, hush Mum it’s all right, you’re all right, I’m here with you. Open your eyes.”
Lara’s voice. What’s Lara doing up here in the dark and rain?
“Mum, Mum.”
Don’t shout. I can hear you. You shouldn’t be up here, it’s dangerous, Danny fell. He was trying to rescue me, I fell and he was trying to rescue me and now he’s in the sea and I have to find him.
“Mum, what’s wrong?”
The sun has come out, where am I, the rain has stopped, it’s daytime and I haven’t found Danny.
“Mum, Mum, say something.”
Lara’s arms are around me and she’s crying. The rock is pressing into my side and I look up at it. I am lying on my back and the sky is blue above me with puffy white clouds. I turn over onto my stomach and see over the edge. The cliff drops away to rocks far below, the sea breaking over them but not wild any more. The vomit fills my mouth and I watch it spurt over the cliff and bury a white rock lily growing from a crevice.
”You scared me, Mum. You were screaming and saying things and calling out Danny’s name. Did you have a panic attack? I’m sorry Mum. I couldn’t help you. You crawled up here after me and I couldn’t make you hear me.”
I pushed myself slowly back from the edge of the cliff and around the big rock and sat there, my back against its solidness, looking down the track to the saddle and out over the stream and the estuary and the calm dolphin sea. In out, in out, re-lax, re-lax. I gripped Lara’s hand and she wriggled even closer to me and we sat there, our hearts slowing, slowing, our eyes crying, crying.
I took another swig from the drink bottle Lara had pulled from her daypack. My thirst felt as if it would never be sated. We’d been sitting here for a while, an hour at least, while we calmed down. Lara had tried to get me to climb back down to the saddle but I’d wanted to stay up here, partly to get back my breath, strength, and sanity, and partly for a reason I couldn’t quite grasp. I felt safe here in the lee of this rock; the last piece of earth Danny had been close to before being no more. I needed to tell Lara what I’d remembered, re-experienced. It had been so much more vivid, so much more real, than those times when Sarah had taken me back with the hypnosis she preferred to call deep relaxation. I needed to tell Lara all of it in case I lost it again. Sitting here in the warm benevolent sun, it was all clear to me. Even the small details seemed clear but perhaps I was inventing those. But I knew the sweep of my memory was true.
Danny had told me everything. He didn’t lie to me, he didn’t c
over up, he didn’t keep any secrets. He told me what his mother told him; that his brother John was my half brother and his mother was so upset that he thought we should delay getting married for a year to give her time to come to terms with it. It was me who hadn’t been able to grasp it, who’d called him a liar, told him it was just a stupid excuse so he could get out of marrying me. I knew it was true of course; why would anyone invent such a terrible story? Why didn’t I tell him I was pregnant? Why? Was I afraid he’d still put his mother’s feelings first? Leave me like Dad left Fiona? So I ran out, ran, ran, as far as I could go and that was the end of the beach. And there was the Pa.
I was nearly at the top before I heard Danny screaming through the wind at me from the saddle. I stood by the rock, not knowing where I could go next to get away from him, away from the truth he was forcing on me. I didn’t want to die, I never wanted to die, I only wanted to get away, be in the wild storm where my pain could find company. I remember pushing him away, and Danny trying to pull me from the rock. I remember slipping backwards and falling. Danny falling. I remember somehow finding the strength to climb back up. I remember crawling, stumbling back down to the saddle, wading through the stream–it was so deep and wild–getting around to the cliff side of the Pa, finding him. My Danny. How long I was there before I must have stumbled all the way across the dunes and the paddocks to the road, I couldn’t remember.
When I was done, when I had told it all to Lara as it played back to me, I felt the weight slither through me and imagined it rolling over and over as it disappeared into the sea far below.
“Mum, let’s go down now. It’s over. You don’t need to cry any more.”
“These are tears of relief. I’ve been so afraid that I’d blocked those memories because I caused Danny’s death. Directly caused it. That I was so angry, so upset, that I pushed him, and he went over the cliff. Somehow, it’s not so terrible to know that he fell trying to save me, and that I did all I could to find him, to save him.”
