by Soraya Lane
Cody nudged her with his shoulder and laughed. “Something like that, right?”
She leaned in, voice lower this time. “Or maybe we’re just the screwed-up ones who can’t deal with relationships or emotions.”
He gave her a sideways look, but she just smiled.
“Takes one to know one. More wine?”
Cody nodded and watched as she filled his glass. He hadn’t realized that Angelina wasn’t interested in, or struggled with, relationships either, he’d just presumed she didn’t want a husband or family because she was so focused on her career.
As Angelina started to talk to Lauren, Cody glanced down the table and saw Lexi watching him. He needed to go down there. In less than eighteen hours, he’d be gone, only she didn’t know that yet. He’d decided to leave early, wanting to figure out the Bright Lights deal before there was any more negative publicity after the holiday period, and he had a stack of work on his desk to return to. He’d been back at the ranch too long, and if he stayed any longer, he had a feeling that it might suddenly become too hard to leave.
“Hey,” he said as he walked down to the head of the table and sat in his father’s seat for a moment. Walter was off inspecting toys with the kids, who’d long since left the table to play.
“Hey yourself,” she said.
Cody went to touch her shoulder, then thought better of it. “I’m pleased you’re here. It’s been a great day, and you’re so important to Dad.”
She smiled and he inwardly cringed. She was damn important to him, too, only he seemed incapable of saying that.
“Thanks. We’ve been good for each other.”
Suddenly Harry was giggling behind him, and when he turned he saw that he was holding a sprig of greenery, high in the air as he stood on tiptoes and tried to hold it higher than their heads. He dangled it and then jumped up and down, so excited he managed to whack his mom on the head with it.
“Harry,” Lexi spluttered, looking mortified as the table went quiet and everyone looked at them. “Stop!”
“Walter said it’s mistletoe!” he announced gleefully. “Kiss, kiss, KISS!”
Cody looked at Lexi, loved the dark stain on her cheeks as she stared back at him. If this was going to be the last time he kissed her, he wasn’t going to miss it. One last kiss to say goodbye, one last moment before he slowly put up the walls he usually kept so carefully constructed around him all over again. Because once he left, once he was on the plane heading back to New York, he wouldn’t let himself think about this again. He didn’t do regrets, and that meant he blocked out the past even to this day.
He leaned in, cupping her face with one hand, gently against her jaw, his lips pressing ever so softly to hers. She kissed him back, mouth moving against his, so soft, a whisper of goodbye that lasted barely a few seconds until it was over. He slowly pulled back, staring into her eyes one last time too, feeling the swirl inside of him as she somehow seemed to look right through him.
Harry ran off giggling and Sophia stole it from him and ran to her parents, who happily obliged in a big smooch for all to see when she dangled it above their heads, but all Cody could see was Lexi sitting before him. Beautiful Lexi, whom he’d never meant to hurt but had, and from the looks of it, he’d managed to do it all over again. He should never have let her close again.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, reaching for her hand.
She nodded, holding him back. “I know.”
Somehow she understood, knew that he was too screwed up emotionally to offer her any more, but her expression told him that it still hurt her. Dammit, it hurt him too! He held her hand for a second longer, before going back to his seat. He passed his dad on the way and gave him a hug, holding him tight.
It had been a Christmas he’d never forget, but he was ready to leave. This wasn’t home anymore. New York was, and no amount of walking down memory lane was going to change that.
* * *
Lexi grinned as she watched Harry play, her heart full to bursting with love for her child, and for the day they’d been invited to be a part of. Being invited into the Ford family fold, it had been incredible, and she knew it was a day that neither she nor Harry would ever forget. Before her mom had moved into Bright Lights, they’d had small but memorable festive occasions, always full of love and laughter, but it was something else to be part of a large family get-together. There seemed to be a revolving amount of laughter versus arguing, accusations versus teasing, and it was something she hadn’t been witness to for a long time. Even when she and Cody had been dating, she’d never been invited to get-togethers like this because they’d been so young and she would have always been with her own family.
Lauren was suddenly sitting beside her and she let her top her glass up with more wine, smiling as they both settled into their seats.
“I’ve never gotten used to this many people around one table,” Lauren said, “or all this noise.”
Lexi smiled. “It’s a lot to get used to.”
“You know, Tanner would love Cody to come home. I think he’s spent years hoping his brother would want to come back to Texas eventually.”
“Tell him he could be waiting a long time,” Lexi said, watching Cody, drinking in the sight of him while she could. “I don’t think he’s the settling-down type, so if he’s waiting for him to start a family and move back to the ranch…”
Lauren nodded. “That must hurt.” Her voice was low as she sipped her wine and gave her a quick look. “I’ve had my heart broken by a Ford before, so I know how much it hurts.”
Lexi closed her eyes for a beat. “Yeah, but at least Tanner came to his senses eventually. You two were made for each other.”
Lauren snorted and made Lexi laugh. “Trust me, it didn’t feel that way at the time. It took us a long time to find our way back to each other.”
“We found our way back, it just wasn’t meant to be,” Lexi replied sadly. Maybe if things had been different, if her mom was still healthy, if Cody hadn’t been the developer she was at war with, if he hadn’t still been so damn afraid of the past. There were so many reasons why they just weren’t meant to be, but nothing could change what had happened, so she just had to make peace with it.
They sat side by side, the table growing louder around them as everyone continued to drink and eat. Cody caught her eye and smiled, and she smiled back, but he was gone. She could see the way he was pulling away already, the relaxed line of his mouth and shoulders replaced by something slightly more reserved. It wasn’t just her he was pulling away from, it was everyone.
She’d already lost him, and even though she’d known it was coming this time, it still hurt.
Chapter 18
THE next day, Cody had wanted to sneak away without having to see Lexi, but when she walked out of her house, looking between him and the car he was walking toward, he knew he wasn’t going to get away so easily. He smiled but he could see she wasn’t going to smile back. He changed course and moved toward her as she kept walking to him.
“You’re leaving?” Lexi asked.
He lifted his hand and touched her shoulder, smile sad and wishing he could kiss her one last time for something to remember. “I’m going back to New York today.”
He saw the tremor inside of her, the way her face changed, the invisible wall between them rising.
“You were just going to leave, without…” Her voice trailed off. “Never mind.”
He should have said that he was going to call her, but that was a lie because he’d thought about it and decided he had no idea what to say. Besides, they’d agreed it was a one-night thing between them—he hadn’t promised her anything. And anyway, he thought they’d said their version of goodbye yesterday.
“I’ll never forget that you brought Harry home to me that night,” she said quietly. “Thank you, Cody.”
“I did what anyone would have done,” he said. “And I want you to know you have my word on the development.”
“You’re not just going
to leave and then forget about it?”
“I promised you I’d make this right, Lexi. I just haven’t worked out the logistics yet, so you need to trust me.”
She nodded, but he could imagine what she was thinking. She’d trusted him once already and he’d let her down, so what was any different this time?
“We could have been great, Cody. I just want you to know that,” she said, her eyes brimming as she stared at him.
He watched as she quickly wiped at her cheeks.
“I wish you weren’t so afraid of being home.”
Cody stared back at her. “Me too.”
I wish things could be different. He stared back at her, grinding his jaw as he fought for the right things to say. I think I love you. That’s what he wanted to say now, that’s why he was scared as hell and running before he got in too deep. But he was never going to say it, because no matter what he felt, no matter how much he wanted to let his guard down, he couldn’t. It wasn’t worth the pain.
“I’m sorry, Lexi.” And he was. He was so, so sorry. For everything.
She shut her eyes then opened them and looked away. “Yeah, I’m sorry too.”
He dropped his hand and turned, because what the hell was he going to say? He’d told her he’d sort the development issue out, and he would, but it was time to go back to work. The ranch life wasn’t for him—it never had been—and what had happened between him and Lexi? He pushed the image of her in his mind away, not looking back, not about to start wondering what if. She was a great girl, but he wasn’t looking for a great anyone. He had his work. He had his life in New York. He loved his life.
He didn’t need anymore.
He didn’t want anymore. Love and broken hearts were for other people; he was single for a reason.
“Cody!”
A little body hurled against him, slamming into his legs and holding on tight, and Cody was forced to stop walking.
“Hey, kid,” he said, ruffling Harry’s head and trying to pry his fingers off his jeans.
“You’re leaving? Why didn’t you say goodbye?” His face was so warm, so full of innocence as he looked up at him, and it hit Cody like a nail into his heart. He’d already left Lexi like that once before, and now he’d almost made the same mistake with the kid.
He decided to deflect the question.
“You gonna keep up your riding? Tanner’s keen to teach you.”
“Yeah, and when you come home I can show you how good I am.”
Cody bent down to his level and looked him in the eye, holding his hands. “Don’t forget to give your mom lots of cuddles and tell her you love her, especially tonight,” he said. “Be a good boy for her, and no more running away, you hear me?”
Harry nodded and Cody opened his arms to give him a hug, surprised when the boy launched at him, arms around his neck as he held him around the waist. His little body was warm and tight to him, the hug so fierce and full of so much emotion, Cody didn’t know what to do. He cleared his throat, standing the second Harry released him.
“I’ll see you around, kid.”
Cody patted his shoulder as he passed, only turning when he got to the car. Tanner was waiting behind the wheel for him, his bag already in the back, and Cody held up his hand in a final wave to Harry. The boy was still standing where he’d left him, eyes wide, hand held high as he waved back, and then past him was Lexi. She was walking toward her son but her eyes were focused on him and Cody wished to hell he hadn’t looked back at all.
“Drive,” he said when he got in the car and slammed the door shut.
Tanner didn’t say a word, he just started the engine and turned the vehicle around, slowly driving down the long drive and turning out onto the road. Cody kept his eyes trained straight ahead. He didn’t want to look at anything, didn’t want to remember anything. Dammit, he didn’t want to feel anything!
He’d spent the past decade trying to make sure he didn’t have to deal with any emotions or feelings, so he sure as hell wasn’t going to let one Christmas vacation at home change everything for him.
“You want to talk about it?” Tanner asked.
“Talk about what?”
Tanner was silent for a beat before shifting his weight and glancing at him. “You’re all bent out of shape, I just thought you might like to talk.”
“Well, you’re wrong. I’m fine.” Cody leaned against the window before slamming his palm into his leg. Fuck! “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bite your head off.”
Tanner glanced at him again. “It’s fine.”
“Leaving wasn’t as easy this time,” Cody admitted. “I usually pack up, can’t wait to leave, and I get the hell out as fast as I can. I’m wheels up before I’ve even had time to miss anything.”
“And this time?” Tanner asked.
Cody thought about his question. He didn’t even really understand himself how he felt. “This time,” he said slowly, “this time, I’d almost trade what I have in New York to stay.”
Tanner was silent for a long time, and Cody stared out the window, the snow-covered fields blurring past his vision. He couldn’t believe he’d even said those words out loud.
“You could have stayed for a bit longer,” he finally said. “And it’s not too late to change your mind.”
“No,” Cody said, shaking his head as if he needed to convince himself. “Nope, I couldn’t do that.”
“And why the hell not? Would it be so bad to see more of your family for a while?”
Cody balled his fists, squeezing them in and out.
“You’re scared, aren’t you?” Tanner said, putting words to something they’d never talked about before. “You’re scared of losing Dad, of it being like when we lost Mom. You’re scared of getting too close to us again, and you’re sure as hell scared of letting Lexi close.”
“Screw you,” Cody swore.
“Yeah? Well, you can insult me all you like, but I’m just telling it like it is and you know it.”
Cody angled himself away from Tanner, not wanting to engage with him. He was getting pissed with his brother because he needed someone to get angry at, and it wasn’t fair.
“They say you’re better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all,” Tanner said in a low voice. “And now that I’m with Lauren, I can see that. I’d do anything for that woman, anything, and even if I lost her tomorrow I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for the time we’ve had together. It would all be worth it.”
Cody grunted. “Yeah? Well, anyone who says that hasn’t known loss. It’s bullshit.”
Tanner’s voice was louder this time, more aggressive. “I haven’t known loss? Is that right? Because I lost Mom too, in case you forgot, and I stuck around for her. And I lost Lauren and made my way back to her, too.”
If Tanner hadn’t been driving, Cody would have slammed his fist into his face.
“Fuck you,” he swore. “Fuck you, Tanner! Don’t even start.”
“You can swear at me all you like, but it’s true. And now you’re going to let the same girl go twice.” Tanner turned and Cody realized they were getting close to the airfield. “You’re the one making mistakes, brother, not me.”
“She wasn’t mine to lose this time,” he muttered.
“You really think that?”
He nodded. “Yup.”
“Then you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought.”
They didn’t speak the rest of the way, and when they finally got there, Cody jumped out of the car as quickly as he could. Tanner didn’t get out of the driver’s seat as Cody retrieved his bag from the back. He held up a hand in a wave, not wanting to talk, not wanting to look back.
“Let me know when you come to your senses!” Tanner called out through the open window.
Cody shook his head. “See you at Thanksgiving.”
The sleek black jet was waiting on the tarmac—he could see it as he walked toward the terminal building—ready to take him home.
New York was his home
now, and he wasn’t coming back to Texas until he had to.
* * *
Lexi refused to think about Cody. She refused to be sad, she refused to imagine what if, and she absolutely refused to wonder if he’d change his mind and come back. Because she’d been right here before, waiting for him, believing that he’d come back for her and realize what he’d left behind, only it had never happened. And what would bring him back now? A single mom all these years later wasn’t as interesting as an eighteen-year-old in her first year of college, so why would things be any different this time around? If he loved her, if he’d ever loved her, he couldn’t have left her the way he did … twice.
She stopped for a second, halfway through making sandwiches for her and Walter, and dropped her head to the cool granite counter. She just needed a moment to pull her thoughts together, to refocus.
“Honey, are you okay?”
Lexi stood bolt upright, wiping her eyes to find Mia standing in the doorway, watching her, her eyes filled with sympathy. The other woman walked toward her, arms outstretched, and that little moment of kindness set her off. As Mia held her close, arms so warm and tight around her, a sob erupted from deep within Lexi that she couldn’t stop. And then she cried and cried, holding Mia, crying for so many things that she’d been holding in for too long. Her mom. Her son. Cody. Everything.
“He’s gone, hasn’t he?” Mia said, rubbing her back with her palm.
Lexi nodded as Mia kept holding her.
“He’s a damn fool for leaving you behind,” Mia whispered, before releasing her and standing back, gently wiping Lexi’s face with her fingertips to brush away the tears.
Lexi didn’t trust her own voice, but she braved a smile at Mia.
“He left us all those years ago too, Lexi,” Mia said. “I’ve tried to get him to talk about it, but he’s put up so many walls, pushed everyone away so he doesn’t have to feel.”
“I wish I didn’t love him so much, but even after all these years…”
Mia took her hand and held it, palm to palm, her smile and her touch so warm that it made Lexi hurt even more.
