I went slowly down the block stairs in a complete, but far from unhappy daze. Betty had been right about myself, but Tom had to be wrong. Something as gloriously and unexpectedly wonderful as this could not really happen without my suspecting it. Tom must have imagined it all!
Tom? Tom Elkroyd? Giving way to flights of fancy? Having nursed him, I had to accept that was even harder to believe than his views on Robert.
My thoughts went spinning round as my feet carried me along the ground-floor corridor towards our dining-room. A student came out of the staff canteen as I went by. Before he closed the door I saw Robert sitting alone with his back to the door, at a table by the window. I hesitated momentarily, and then I went in.
The canteen was nearly empty. On this fine Saturday evening everyone free was on the terrace, the river, or somewhere playing some game. I did not even notice the empty tables. I walked up to Robert and said the first thing that came into my head. ‘Robert, I’ve no money on me. Will you buy me a cup of tea?’
His head jerked round. He stood up slowly. ‘If you want one. What about food?’
‘My lunch is being kept hot. I’ll eat some time.’
He looked at me hard, and I was afraid he was going to ask why I had to sponge off him when I could get free tea with my belated lunch. He only said, ‘Sit down, then,’ and went over to the counter. He returned balancing two teas and a plate of sandwiches.
‘Thank you so much. How’s the hand?’
‘Fine, thanks. I’m working tomorrow.’ He sat back and crossed his legs. ‘How’s Tom now?’
‘Flat out, but a new man. Now all we have to do is wait for the path report. Brown-plus-E told Helen Addy it didn’t look malignant to him.’
‘So I’ve heard. How’s Betty?’
‘Weeping with joy. I gather you had a good morning at the Zoo?’ He nodded, and went on watching me thoughtfully. ‘She’s now ringing Grandad. I’ll bet Gran’ll be washing that rose-patterned teaset in readiness for Tom’s homecoming before today’s out.’
‘The one she won with her prize geranium?’
‘Pelargonium.’
‘Pelargoniums are geraniums.’
‘They are? I didn’t know that.’
He nodded again and stayed silent.
I was glad of the mental breathing-space. There was so much I wanted to say and even more I wanted to ask ‒ if I could get up the courage. And even though I had spent all those hours in the theatre sitting down, I was far more tired than after running round a ward all night long.
He did not let the silence last as long as I hoped. ‘What do you want this time, Anna? The tea’s obviously an excuse, so can we get to the main issue?’
‘Hey! Give me a break, Robert! I’ve just sat down.’
‘And the sooner you get whatever it is off your chest, you can go and have some proper food and get to bed. That, if you’ll forgive me saying so, is about all you look fit for.’
I smiled faintly. ‘Robert, never say that to a girl. It’s just about the most damning testimony to one’s looks I can think of!’
‘It was not intended as a compliment.’
That took the smile off my face and made me look at him more keenly. ‘Just a medical observation?’
‘What else would you expect from me?’ His smile was derisive. ‘After all these years?’
I did not answer. I was beginning to wonder if I had imagined that conversation with Betty Elkroyd. I felt as if the clock had suddenly been put back and any moment David would come into the canteen. I had now recognised Robert’s mood, even though it was a very long time since I had seen him in it. I had frequently seen him like this in the old David days, as well as that last week-end at the Mat Unit. Previously I had put this behaviour down to his dislike of myself, and, having disliked him back, had never hesitated to weigh into battle if we were alone. When David had been present, for his sake I had removed myself at the first opportunity, generally red-faced and fuming. Robert’s ability to control his own temper had never done anything to improve mine. He was obviously spoiling for a fight now, and without any trouble I could recollect a dozen major rows between us that had started like this. After those other rows he had ignored me for days, even weeks, then somehow we had got together again and another fight had started.
Until now it had never occurred to me to wonder why history kept repeating itself, or to realise that, as I had never sought his company, he had to have been responsible for our getting together again. He was not a man to enjoy scrapping as some men did. He got on very well with other people. So why pick fights with me? I used to put that down to his resenting my affair with David, but David had not been at the Mat Unit, and he was not here now.
‘Well, Anna? Decided to rival “Old Trypo”?’
I blinked. ‘Old ‒ oh, him. No, I’m not asleep.’
‘And you’ve not lost your rare talent for stating the obvious. Congratulations.’
Once that would have made me want to hurl my cup at him. Not now. If Tom was right, such a student-type crack from a most un-student type man made certain and exciting sense. ‘Robert, do stop sniping. As you’ve guessed, I want to talk to you.’
‘Well?’
I took a deep breath. ‘First, about that talk you wanted to have with me on Wednesday ‒’
‘Which we yesterday agreed was no longer important? I remember. Why drag it up again now?’
‘Because I thought I understood what you meant in the car. I’m not so sure now.’ He was silent. ‘Did it concern Nick and Sabby and your discovering they were engaged again? Did you feel someone had to tell me, and then, yesterday, realise I had had it from Nick?’ He still did not answer. ‘Robert, I would like to talk this over.’
He said curtly, ‘Possibly. With Harriet, or even Henry Todd. But you don’t really want to discuss it with me, Anna. Let it go.’
‘I’d rather not ‒’
‘Only because you are very tired. Everyone talks too much when tired, and generally regrets it like the devil later.’ He did not often smoke, but he lit a cigarette now. ‘Be honest, Anna. You may want a shoulder to weep on, but you don’t want my shoulder ‒ as you showed very clearly on our drive back yesterday. Don’t say any more ‒’
I cut him short. ‘God, Robert! Don’t you give me that “be honest” routine, too! I had quite enough of that from Nick yesterday! The poor man was afraid I’d take to a convent or go into a decline or something! I expect it was my fault. I did lead him up the garden path.’
‘You did what?’ He sat forward, then pushed the sandwiches at me. ‘You’d better eat some more. You’re getting low in the blood sugar.’
‘My blood sugar’s fine, thanks!’ I waved the plate away. ‘It’s true. In a way that’s what I did! I’m not particularly proud of it, but luckily, as he did the same, neither of us has to feel badly.’
‘I see.’ He sat back again. ‘Yes. Of course. I see.’
‘Oh, no, you don’t! You think this is just a good face-saving story! That’s written all over you! It’s nothing of the sort. It’s true. I’ll admit I did try to kid myself I was in love with him for a while, particularly when his eye went wrong. You remember that evening at the cottage?’
‘Yes?’
‘That evening I sort of let my emotions rip. I thought he needed me ‒ I was so sorry for him ‒ he had to be the big thing in my life, I should,’ I added more calmly, ‘have remembered my job.’
‘How the devil does that come into it?’
‘This way. Directly anyone takes to a sick-bed I turn soft inside and get all protective. That happens to most nurses, and is probably why we are nurses. It obviously happened to Sabby. She could hold out while Nick was on his two feet, but the moment he was warded ‒ whang!’ I slapped the table with one hand. ‘She just caved in, and well I understand it! Surely you can, too? I’ve noticed much the same happens to you with patients and patients’ connections. What about your trip to the Zoo this morning? Or how nice you were to Nick and myself
that particular evening. When we were alone you didn’t snipe at me once. I was very grateful to you.’
‘How nice!’ He studied his cigarette. ‘And that’s all there was to it?’
‘Yes.’ I waited expectantly. When he said nothing I added, ‘I wanted you to get this straight.’
He looked at me then. ‘I can understand that.’
‘How?’ I was getting too desperate to bother about pride. ‘Because of David? Because I know you’ve seen me having one jilt and don’t want you to suffer under the impression I’ve just had another?’ He nodded reluctantly. ‘Did you think I would be afraid your reaction would be to give three loud cheers?’
His face tightened. ‘Knowing your opinion of myself, I wouldn’t have thought that far off the mark. I know we have seemed to hit it off moderately well in Observation, but we are not in Observation now. So why bother with pretence?’
‘Robert, you are so right!’ But I could not go on. It was all very well to tell myself I knew Tom, but I also knew Robert. I was not getting through to him, and I had never been able to when he was in this mood. I pushed back my chair. ‘I may as well go.’
‘I think that would be wise.’
I was about to get up when I realised his tone had altered and he was sounding as dejected as I felt. I stayed sitting. ‘Why do you say that?’
He took off his glasses and began to polish them, as he so often did when he wanted to choose his words with more than his usual care. ‘You said I was right to dispense with pretence. Why not do the same? You are good at guessing the right answers. You must have guessed the answer to that one long ago.’
‘No.’
He replaced his glasses and frowned at me. ‘Anna, don’t be coy! It does not become you, and it infuriates me.’
‘I’m sorry about that,’ I retorted, none too steadily, ‘as I am not being coy. I don’t know what you are getting at.’
‘Nonsense! You can’t seriously expect me to believe that after all this time you haven’t a very clear idea how I feel about you?’
‘I wish you’d tell me.’
‘Why the devil should it interest you?’
There seemed only one answer to that, so I gave it.
He sat very still, and when I had finished he just went on staring at me across the table.
‘Robert, now you’re doing an “Old Trypo”.’
‘I was merely wondering which one of us is crazy.’ His voice was dazed. ‘We both know you’ve always loathed my guts, but I thought you just said ‒’ He repeated my words.
‘That’s right.’
He flushed. ‘And it happened in Eyes last Wednesday afternoon ‒ just like that?’
‘That was when I recognised it for what it was. It had actually happened some time ago, as Betty recognised.’
This was having a very odd effect on his vaso-motor system. He was now white. ‘But until you spoke to her just now you never had any idea about me? You have never guessed that I’d loved you damnably for years? Ever since Dave introduced us?’
Happiness was doing odd things to me. I was getting giddy with joy. ‘Not until Betty opened my eyes, and even then I couldn’t be sure. You always used to be so foul to me. Perhaps I should have worked that out. I didn’t ‒ until now,’ I said again.
He said, ‘It was the only way I knew of dealing with seeing you around as Dave’s girl.’
‘Did it have anything to do with your advising David not to marry me?’
He grimaced as if I had slapped his face, but his eyes met mine steadily. ‘I’d be a liar if I said it hadn’t, though at the time I tried to persuade myself I was taking a detached view. I didn’t fool Dave.’
‘He knew you were in love with me? He never let on!’
‘No. He wouldn’t have done that.’
‘And he wouldn’t have done for me, any more than I would have done for him. If we had married it would have been a disaster. So, whatever your motives for giving that advice, it was the right advice. I’ve realised that for some time. I hope you don’t mind my saying this as he was your great pal, but David and Nick are very similar types.’ My mind gave one of those mental clicks. ‘Nick must have guessed,’ I murmured, thinking aloud.
He heard me. ‘Probably. The three of us haven’t been together much, but whenever we have it’s a safe bet he caught me looking at him as if I’d like to throttle him, and at yourself with rather different intentions. Also, Sabby could have enlightened him.’
‘She knew?’
‘I never discussed you with her, but she knows me pretty well. She knew my leaving Barny’s when I did, and the time I fixed to return, was not entirely unconnected with the announcement of your engagement to Dave and then the bust-up. I didn’t come down to the Mat Unit until that last week-end as I thought you’d need the time to get back on balance, particularly as far as I was concerned, being so involved in your affair with Dave.’
He smiled wryly. ‘From your welcome you needed a lot more time.’
‘Yes. I knocked your glasses off. I’d just met Nick.’
‘I gathered that later.’
He did not say how, so I told him about the grocer’s vanman. ‘Why didn’t you tell me he was Martin’s nephew? Not to rock the boat?’
He hesitated, ‘You won’t like this ‒’
‘Go on.’
‘Well, as you’ve said, he and Dave are rather alike ‒’
‘You thought he’d rock the boat himself without any help from you? Still, it was nice of you not to give it a gentle shove.’
‘If you are going to have the truth you may as well have the lot. It wasn’t nice of me at all! It was obvious you’d find out on one of your visits to Wylden, and that when you did you’d realise I was in the know. I hoped that would show you you could trust me, if only a wee bit, and then maybe when the crash came you might,’ he shrugged, ‘borrow a shoulder. That’s why I drove down yesterday directly I found I was off. I stopped in Astead for those books as an excuse. As you’ve guessed, Sabby had told me Nick had promised to put you straight by yesterday. I was afraid you would be very hurt. I hoped you’d talk about it in the car coming back. Instead you kept me at mental arm’s length the whole bloody drive back. We seemed to be right back to square one.’
‘That was because I thought you loved Sabby ‒’
‘Anna, no!’
‘Robert, yes!’ I told him about the grapevine and then what Addy had said. ‘David never told me you knew her when you were kids. Why didn’t you?’
‘I didn’t think you’d be interested.’
‘Interested! Robert Gordon, I could shake you!’
He was smiling as I had never seen him smile before. ‘You have, Anna. You have.’ He stood up. ‘Shall we go?’
‘Where?’
He put his hands in his pockets and looked down at me, still smiling. He waited until a pair of uniformed sisters went by to the counter. ‘Anywhere where my kissing you in uniform won’t automatically get us both the sack. I love you so much,’ he said very, very quietly, ‘that I honestly don’t know how I’ve been able to keep my hands off you. After this I’m not sure I can hold out much longer. Will you come?’
We left the canteen sedately, walked along the main corridor, took a short cut across the car park to the Doctors’ House, and went up in the lift with a houseman. We discussed the weather with him.
Robert opened the door of the senior registrar’s sitting-room. ‘If this isn’t empty I’ll empty it,’ he murmured. But it was empty.
Over an hour later Peter Graveny came in and backed out fast, slamming the door.
‘Who was that?’ asked Robert dreamily, without letting go of me and blinking without his glasses.
‘Peter Graveny.’
‘A good man. Let’s ask him to our wedding too.’
‘Let’s.’ I felt my head. ‘Where’s my cap?’
‘Somewhere with my glasses. We don’t need ’em yet. We’ve wasted a lot of time, sweetheart. I’m wasting no more,’ h
e said, and kissed me again.
Harriet was changing for a date when I went over to get ready while Robert booked us a table for dinner. Inevitably Harriet had already heard from her Stan via Peter. ‘I knew it! As I told Stan, there had to be a reason why you and Robbie had so many rows. And why else should you have lost all interest in the golden boy? Stuck out a mile! Zip me up, Anna!’ She presented me with her back. ‘And how about Hurricane Jill and old Stock, eh! I’ll bet the old bags in the Sisters’ Home are rocking tonight! What with Jill and Sweet Sabby resigning.’ She spun round. ‘It’s Nick for her, isn’t it? I thought so! I told Stan it had to be either Stock or Nick, and though he tried doing an old-pals-mustn’t-split act, because Peter had sworn him to keep his mouth shut, I guessed! I haven’t been sure until now, but I should have warned you about my guess, only I didn’t think you’d care. And wasn’t I right? Aren’t I always? Well, nearly always?’ She dived at my mirror to fix on her eyelashes. ‘I say, Anna! Wasn’t it dead lucky Sister Mary wanted that cottage?’
Betty Elkroyd knew what had happened directly she saw me next day, despite my mask. She told her husband. When I was going off that evening Tom said, ‘So you and Mr. Gordon’ll be getting wed?’
‘Yes. Tom, Mr. Gordon asked me to give you his regards and say thank you.’
‘Oh, aye?’ He was still very pale and tired, but there was a new quality of strength about him, and the first pathological report was good. ‘How’s that, then?’
Robert had agreed I could explain, so I did.
Tom grinned hugely. ‘That’s all right then.’
A House for Sister Mary Page 21
