Positive Emotions: Experiencing and focusing on positive emotions and having a realistic-to-optimistic outlook.
Engagement: Being engaged in and absorbed by activities.
Relationships: Social connection and positive relationships are essential for wellbeing.
Meaning: Living your life with a sense of purpose and meaning. This includes living your life in line with your values, purpose, and mission.
Accomplishment: Making and achieving even small goals.
Janet not only changed the focus of her career, she changed her life. Of course, her personality didn’t change. She continued to be high on Motivation in that she continued to be hard-working, motivated, and achievement-oriented. But now these traits were focused on more than just her work.
She channeled her strength of Motivation into being the best she could be in the areas of positive emotions, being fully engaged and present in whatever she was doing, nurturing relationships, focusing on meaning with her family, friends, and career, and accomplishing her goals. She also tapped into her deeper values and searched long and hard to figure out what was truly important to her and what her life’s mission was.
How to Use This in Your Life
Many of us live our lives chasing fame, fortune, and thrills, only to end up chronically dissatisfied by these pursuits. There is nothing wrong with these pursuits per se, but they are often pursued for external reasons, such as cultural pressures and values espoused by the media and their coverage of the celebrity lifestyle.
You will never be truly satisfied when your values and purpose come from outside of you. They need to come from within you. Remember, there is nothing worse in life than living with regret. Choose your purpose wisely!
Taking everything you’ve learned about yourself in this process, do your best to answer the following questions:
What do you really want out of life?
What do you want your life to stand for?
What sort of person do you want to be?
What do you want to do with your life?
What do you believe your purpose(s) or mission(s) is (are) in this life?
What were you uniquely put on this earth to achieve?
Now put this into a paragraph and fine-tune it. You now have your living purpose or mission document to guide your decision-making through your life.
Conclusion
At this point, you should have a better understanding of your Basic Personality Tendencies. You’ve also gotten in touch with what is truly important to you. You know your interests, passions, strengths, talents, and skills. You have a better idea what your purpose or mission is.
Your next step is to translate this into concrete goals to achieve.
BONUS MATERIAL
Visit FriesenPerformance.com/Achieve-Bonus-Materials to download a printable poster with the quotes found in this chapter AND the Purpose/Mission Exercise Worksheet.
STEP 5
KNOW YOUR GOALS
Chapter 13
Choose Goals that Are Right for You
A goal is a dream with a deadline.
— Napoleon Hill
Goal-setting is powerful because it provides focus. It gives us the ability to hone in on the exact actions we need to perform to achieve everything we desire in life.
— Jim Rohn
Now that you have a better idea of your basic personality, have gotten in touch with what’s truly important to you, understand what your strengths, passions, and interests are, and have a living purpose or mission document, we have to translate this into a vision and road map for the future.
For some of you, the exercises you’ve done so far in this book may have confirmed what you already knew. If so, that’s great. These exercises help to give us perspective to make sure we are on the right track. Now you know you are and can be confident as you move forward.
For others, it may have helped you realize that you were focusing on the wrong things. Maybe you realized that you were living your life based on other peoples’ dreams, expectations, and agendas. Maybe you were working really hard on moving up the corporate ladder only to realize that what the corporation stands for and the type of person you have become or have to become, is not in line with what really matters most to you or what you’re passionate about.
If this is you, then you really need to think long and hard about what your next steps should be. You may decide that you should stay on your current path given your unique circumstances. Or maybe you decide to make a major change. Either way, these exercises should prevent you from living your life blind to what you really want and what you should be doing. I don’t believe that ‘ignorance is bliss’. I think ignorance is ignorance.
The previous exercises and the exercises in this chapter will help you see that happiness is less about the end result, and more about living your life congruent with your personality, values, and what you’re really passionate about. In other words, you need to love the process — what it’s going to take to reach your big goals — in order to truly succeed.
You may think you want the glory and the recognition that comes with winning a gold medal or becoming partner at your firm. You should really be asking yourself less about how great this would be, and more about whether you love the process, the lifestyle, and the day-to-day reality that will be required to reach your goal. You at least have to truly believe that achieving the goal is really worth all the work and sacrifice it will require. Then you can decide whether it’s worth it for you. Otherwise, you won’t have the stamina and drive to do what it takes day-in and day-out.
Maybe you fantasize about being a writer. Unless you love the daily grind of writing when you don’t feel inspired, are ready and willing to accept rejection by publishers and being criticized by reviewers, and are willing to put in long and potentially lonely hours slogging away at your computer, becoming a writer is not the right path for you.
This happens to us more often than not. We fall in love with the idea of something or the outcome, but we don’t step back and really think about whether the daily activities and sacrifices we will have to make are in line with our personalities, values, passions, interests, and strengths. So think about the goal itself, but think a whole lot more about the lifestyle it will require to achieve the goal.
As I noted earlier, you can think of your personality, values, and passions as needs. You need to have them met on a daily or weekly basis or else you’re not going to feel satisfied. So you need to make sure that the goals you set are in line with your personality, values, passions, and purpose or mission. This is the key to greatness and to happiness.
Once you understand this, you will see that there are many paths you can take to satisfy these needs. Your original goal may be one of many options. So you may have a goal to earn a million dollars by a certain date. It may be that what you really want is respect or freedom, and it’s really not about the money in the first place. So feel free to keep the million-dollar goal as long as you know why you really want it.
Or maybe there are other things you can do to get respect and freedom, like publishing a book that people find helpful and respect you for. The lifestyle of a writer may also fulfill that need for more freedom in your life, especially relative to your corporate job. So think more about who you are and what is most important to you when setting your goals later in this chapter.
Also remember that the exercises in the previous chapters are not something you do once and then forget about. You need to continually be real with yourself. You need to check-in. Things change. What we value changes. Our missions change as we learn new things, develop new skills, and with time. Our interests change too.
So you should consider doing the Funeral Exercise, Values Survey, and even the exercises in the Know Your Talents, Skills, & Interests and Know Your Purpose or Mission chapters about once a year to make sure you continue focusing on the right things.
I think we all know what goals are. But to make sure we are on the same page
, goals can be generally defined as achieving some standard or result.
The general process of setting and achieving goals is relatively straightforward. The first step involves deciding on a goal and then vividly imagining yourself accomplishing that goal. Then you need to work backwards to figure out what steps you need to take to bring you from where you are now to where you want to be.
Before we get into the process of setting goals properly, there are a number of things about goals that will help you better understand them.
How Your Basic Personality Shapes Goals
It’s great to know your personality, what’s truly important to you, your interests, strengths, and even your purpose or mission. But we need to translate all of this into actual goals. To do this, we need to start with the long view and work our way back. Before we do this, review your Basic Personality Tendency results. Knowing your personality will give you an advantage when it comes to figuring out what motivates you when pursuing your goals.
At this point, you’re probably not surprised to hear that your Basic Personality Tendencies can have an effect on how you approach goals and even whether you set goals in the first place.
Not surprisingly, those of you who are high on Motivation can easily and readily set and achieve goals. Be forewarned though, you may be prone to setting and working hard on the wrong goals at times, due to having difficulties seeing the bigger picture as noted previously.
If you also happen to be high on Extraversion, then you likely pursue your goals with energy and enthusiasm. If you’re high on Motivation and low on Extraversion, then you may also work hard toward your goals but at a slower and possibly less contagiously enthusiastic manner.
As noted earlier in this book, if you are low on Negative Emotions and high on Motivation, your personality is tailor-made for high achievement because you’re probably good at setting and achieving goals and don’t get too worked-up by the stresses and failures you’ll face.
But if you are high on Negative Emotions and Motivation you are at risk for failure when it comes to achieving big and ambitious goals because you’ll have a hard time dealing with the inevitable stress and setback. This can lead to burnout.
Those of you who are very low on Motivation probably set very few goals. You have a hard time sticking to the plans you’ve set out. If you happen to also be high on Extraversion, you’re probably full of positive energy and enjoy thrills and adventures, but find it hard to channel your energy into goals and plans. And remember, that’s ok. We are what we are. If you’re fine with this, then all is good. But if you’re unhappy about it, you can work to change it.
If you are low on Motivation and low on Extraversion, you may have a more lethargic style in that you take your time, don’t feel rushed, and are not too concerned about setting and working toward big goals. You’re probably satisfied taking a back seat and watching others do their thing.
Those low on Motivation and high on Negative Emotions face low odds of becoming a high achiever or reaching big and ambitious goals. To set and achieve big goals, you at least need motivation and drive. However, having this personality profile does not rule out being a high achiever. You will just have to have a very clear and strong passion, mission, and purpose, and then work very hard to tolerate, control, and harness your negative emotions.
Are You on Offense or Defense?
Where you fall on the Negative Emotions continuum can influence the types of goals you set for yourself. Those susceptible to negative emotions and stress likely tend to focus on what Columbia University psychologist Heidi Halvorson calls prevention goals.
Being high on Negative Emotions can be thought of as being sensitive to punishment. In other words, you are not big on taking risks. Your goals and a lot of your decisions are likely based on preventing negative things from happening.
In sports, you may focus more on trying not to lose by playing defensively, rather than trying to win by taking big chances. This can lead you to never taking any big chances, and setting goals that are too safe. Big achievements will rarely occur with this type of prevention focus.
If you are high on Negative Emotions, you’ll be able to motivate yourself by imagining all the negative things that will follow if you don’t reach a goal or take an action. Maybe you have a steady but unfulfilling government job, but your real dream is to start your own consulting business. Thinking of all negative consequences of not starting your consulting business may motivate you effectively. So think of all of the pain you’ll experience if you stay in your job, such as the regret of not pursuing your dream, feeling trapped, or the disappointment of your family and friends when you fail to follow your dreams.
Or maybe you have one more shot at making the Olympic team given your age, but are afraid to try and fail. Thinking of the negative consequences of not going for it will likely motivate you. So train yourself to think of all of the pain and regret you’ll experience if you don’t try, or the fact that your family and friends may be disappointed in you for not following your dreams.
On the other hand, if you are low on Negative Emotions, this too will likely shape the types of goals you’ll make. Armed with this knowledge about yourself, you can learn the trick to motivate yourself.
If you are low on this dimension and high on Extraversion, you‘ll tend to have more of what Halvorson calls promotion-focused goals. This personality profile can be thought of as being sensitive to rewards and insensitive to punishment.
This means you’re more likely to take risks and not sweat the small stuff. Coming up with big goals with the possibility of big payoffs is easy and motivating for you. The one drawback is that you may underestimate the risks and all the hard work involved in achieving your goal. So keep this in mind when setting your goals.
If you’re low on Negative Emotions and high on Extraversion you’ll be more likely to be motivated by thinking of all the positive things or gains from taking action and achieving your goal.
Using the same example that I used earlier in which you have a safe but unfulfilling government job but dream of having your own consulting business, you will be more motivated by thinking of all the benefits of leaving your current job to follow your passion. You can imagine all the pleasure and fulfillment you’ll experience, such as the freedom, potential for increased pay, or how you’ll impress your family and friends with your courage.
Or if you have one last shot at making the Olympic team, you’ll be more motivated by thinking of all the benefits that come with the accomplishment. So think of the sense of accomplishment you’ll experience by doing so. You can also think of the glory you’ll experience if you go for it and make it and how proud your family and friends will be.
So knowing yourself is important. If you know – and accept – that you are high or low on Negative Emotions or Extraversion, you can learn to use it as a lever to help you achieve your goals.
Understanding Goal Types
There are two types of goals that we need to clarify — outcome and process goals. Success depends on having both types of goals clearly articulated in your mind and on paper.
Outcome goals are things you want to achieve and milestones you want to hit. This could be winning your division in your sport, getting drafted, or having your new product hit the top 100 in Amazon sales rankings in a specific category. Outcome goals are essential to achieving your potential. They give you something specific to aim for. They help motivate you.
But you can’t stop at outcome goals. When you only have outcome goals, your day-to-day focus tends to be on these, which is referred to as having an outcome focus. Don’t get me wrong, having an outcome focus is important at times, such as when you need to motivate yourself. But when you’re trying to perform in competition or complete a difficult task, you typically don’t want to be overly-focused on the outcome. If you overly focus on the outcome, you’re likely to under-perform with the task at hand.
For example, I once worked with Joanna, an elite swimmer w
ho came to see me because of chronic under-performance over two seasons. Joanna was primarily competing in the 1500 meter women’s freestyle events. After a few weeks of working together, it became glaringly apparent what the problem was. Joanna’s mind was stuck on outcome goals and focus.
Joanna had no problems articulating what her outcome goals were. She wanted to win each heat, be the best in her division, achieve a specific time in her races, and make the Olympic team. These are great outcome goals. They really helped motivate her when she had to get up at 5:30 a.m. to get to the pool to train. Whenever she wanted to push the snooze button, she reminded herself of her outcome goals and this propelled her out of bed.
The problem came when Joanna was competing. Based on bad advice from a previous mental skills coach, she focused exclusively on her outcome goals. She would visualize herself achieving these goals just prior to each race in the belief that this would raise her confidence and that high confidence was the key. In fact, Joanna had no problems with her confidence until she started focusing too much on her outcome goals during competition.
During the actual heats, she would also focus on her outcome goals. Based on the advice from her former mental skills coach, she repeatedly used the cue word “win.” In other words, as she was swimming, in her mind she would repeat to herself “win…win…win…” and see herself winning in her mind’s eye.
The problem is that this strategy is not in line with how the brain works. Our brains have limited attentional resources and focusing on the outcome of winning takes a lot of brain power. When this happens, there is much less power left over to focus on WHAT has to be done to actually win. I’m not saying that one should never focus on the outcome when in the middle of a performance. This can be helpful when you need a boost of adrenaline and energy as it can be highly motivating.
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