by Harper Bliss
“It’s… rather complicated…” Jessica waved off her own statement. “But no need to get into that now.” While she was excited about seeing Liz again, and it had, indeed, been ages since she’d gone on a date, it was hard to ignore Liz’s profession and its ramifications. When it all came down to it, Jessica should know better than to fall for a call girl. “How’s your show going?”
“Do you mean to say you haven’t been watching?” Caitlin asked, her tone mock-serious.
“Of course I have. I never miss an episode of The Caitlin James Show. How could I? Best hour of my week.” Jessica shot Caitlin a grin.
“Then you will know we’re doing fine. No complaints. Production-wise, it’s like a well-oiled machine by now. Thank goodness we have a wide variety of guests who can keep things interesting. Speaking of, as much as I love having my compatriots on the show, I’ve been working on a more international wish list. I may need your connections if I want to make some of it come true.”
“If by that you mean my father’s connections, I’m not sure I can help,” Jessica said on a sigh.
Caitlin narrowed her eyes and regarded Jessica intently. “Where’s that annoying enthusiasm you hit me over the head with after you just started this job, Jess? Remember the good old days when you made me interview Kathy Kramer? I did that for you. I’m just cashing in my favor, that’s all.”
“I think that enthusiasm was cut out of me along with the cancer.” She let her hands fall into her lap. “I can’t seem to muster much of it for anything job-related these days.”
Caitlin pursed her lips together for a brief moment before she said, “Did you come back to work too early? There’s no shame in that. You only took three months off and what you went through was so life-changing.”
“I want to work. I want to do something. It’s just this job… I don’t know. The thought of jumping back in hasn’t exactly lit me up.”
“I guess that’s to be expected. I would just give it some time. Work half days for a while. Get your head back into the game. Go on a few dates. Pick your life back up again.”
“That’s the thing. I’m not so sure there’s that much of my pre-cancer life I want to pick back up. This job…” She shrugged. “I’m grateful for the chance my father gave me after my business went under, but it’s not like I had many choices back then. Not if I wanted to work. I think a lot of my enthusiasm from back then was due to the simple fact that I was able to work again after I… crawled out of depression. The energy that came with that just propelled me forward. I don’t seem to have that same kind of energy right now. If anything, I feel much more like when I was still suffering from depression. Like this numbness is hanging over me.” Except last night when I was giggling with Liz.
“Have you been seeing…” Caitlin tapped a finger on the table. “What’s her name again?”
“Mrs. Buchman,” Jessica said. “No. I haven’t seen her for a while. I don’t feel like seeing her. I don’t feel like rehashing all my emotions concerning cancer again. I just want to stop thinking about it and get on with my life, but I can’t seem to be able to.”
Caitlin leaned over the table. “I wish I could help you.”
“You have helped.” There was that tremor in Jessica’s voice again—she never used to have that before her surgery. It was as though having cancer had pushed her feelings to a place inside her from where they could well up at the most inopportune moments. “You’re helping now by being here,” Jessica managed to say. “By listening to me.”
“I wish I could do more.” Caitlin reached out her hand over the table.
Jessica accepted the display of affection and grabbed hold of Caitlin’s fingers. “I thought I could face it alone. That’s why I pulled that disappearing act.” She shook her head. “I was so wrong.”
“The point is that you’re not alone.” Caitlin squeezed back. “You have me and Jo. You have Katherine. You have your family. You have your friend who introduced you to a woman you’re going on a date with.”
Jessica nodded. She’d just been starting to find her feet again after her depression when she’d gotten the cancer diagnosis. Even though the surgery had been successful, and Jessica had a good prognosis for full remission, she felt like she had taken too many steps backward. As though the healing of one disease had undone some of the healing of the previous one.
“Her name’s Liz.” Jessica held up a finger of her free hand. “But you can’t tell anyone about this, okay?”
“My lips are sealed. The name Liz is locked up inside of me.” Caitlin turned on her TV smile. It was infectious and Jessica couldn’t help but mirror it—or maybe it was just the mention of Liz’s name.
“Quite frankly, she’s the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.” Jessica felt herself go soft inside. She let go of Caitlin’s hand and leaned back, allowing images of Liz to fill her mind. “But it’s not just that. She’s so easy to be around. We really hit it off the other night. She… pushed me in all the right ways. And now I can’t stop thinking about her.”
“That’s a lot of information,” Caitlin said. “I need a few moments to process.” She stared at Jessica as though trying to read more information off her face. “So you’ve spent significant time with this woman already?”
Jessica nodded.
“But you’re not going to tell me about it?”
“I can’t. It’s… delicate.”
Caitlin’s eyes grew wide. “Delicate? Is she married? Famous and in the closet? Part of the upper echelons of society?” She chuckled.
“None of that.”
“Come on, Jess. You’ll have to give me something. The suspense is killing me.” Caitlin brought a hand to her throat and pretended to suffocate.
“I want to tell you. God, I do. But you have to promise me that you won’t judge.”
Caitlin cocked her head. “Do you even know me?” She waved her hand theatrically. “Yoohoo, it’s me, Caitlin James! Rattler of the bourgeoisie mind. Upsetter of many a traditional thinker.”
“Even so.” Jessica’s voice had gone down a notch. “I still think you might judge.”
“Only one way to find out.” Caitlin fixed her gaze on Jessica.
“Liz is… a friend of Katherine’s.” She looked Caitlin in the eye. “And by friend, I mean colleague.”
“I see.” Caitlin slowly nodded. “Just for the record, I’m not judging. I’m just processing the facts.”
“Take your time,” Jessica said. “I sure as hell haven’t processed them yet.”
“So Katherine introduced you to her colleague and you hit it off?” Caitlin asked. She wasn’t born yesterday. Someone like Caitlin would put two and two together quickly.
“I, um, booked Liz’s services.” Jessica chuckled nervously. “Nothing happened. We just talked and walked around. Had dinner.” She paused. “Well, then I booked her again and showed her my scar.”
“Still not judging, but I must admit I’m a little surprised.”
“Anyway, how I met her is beside the point. The fact is that I met her and that I like her and I think she likes me too, but of course Katherine thinks I’m crazy. I can’t talk to her about this.”
“I have to ask this. I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t.” Caitlin looked away for a moment. “You don’t think Liz is leading you on?”
“No,” Jessica said curtly.
“Okay,” Caitlin replied.
“I know how this sounds,” Jessica said. “Like I’ve lost my mind after my surgery.” Jessica shook her head. “Even I thought I had for a minute. But I haven’t. Honestly, Caitlin, you should meet her, then you’d understand.”
“I’d love to. Bring her to dinner next weekend.”
“Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. I need to see how the date goes first,” Jessica said, even though the prospect appealed to her very much.
“Of course. I just don’t want you to think that Liz is not welcome at ours.”
“I’d never think that
. You invited Katherine, remember?”
“Bring Liz. You’ve got me all curious now,” Caitlin said.
“If I bring Liz, I’ll have to tell Katherine first.” Jessica rested her chin on her upturned palms. “It’s not going to go down well.”
“Don’t tell her. Just show up.” Caitlin grinned.
“All that drama in your gorgeous penthouse.” Jessica chuckled.
“Drama and a view, what’s better than that?” Caitlin quipped.
“I’ll let you know,” Jessica said.
“I’m here for you, Jess. You can talk to me about anything, and that includes Liz.” She glanced at Jessica with a funny look in her eyes. “But… how do you feel about Liz’s profession?”
“Isn’t that the million-dollar question,” Jessica said. “I have rather complicated feelings toward it. And I’m not so naive to think it won’t stand in the way of a straightforward romance.” She shook her head. “Even though I really shouldn’t be using the word romance. It’s just a date.”
“It’s more than a date. I can tell by the way you talk about her.”
“I haven’t felt like this in such a long time, but, you know, I can never be quite sure it isn’t the cancer talking. Why am I feeling like this? Because she was so kind to me? Because I was blinded by her beauty? Is it all even real?” Jessica sighed. “I really don’t know.”
“Time will tell. And if there’s one thing you can always count on it’s for time to pass.”
“Thanks.” Jessica looked at her friend. “One good thing has come from me taking this job at ANBC. Meeting you. I’m serious. And I’m allowed to be corny because, well, you know…”
“If only you’d been this corny when we first met.” Caitlin sent her a big smile.
Jessica glanced at her as warmth spread through her chest.
Chapter Fourteen
Jessica had dressed casually for the date. They weren’t going to a fancy restaurant, after all. She showed up at Liz’s door at her Bondi Beach address, in a beige pair of trousers and a navy shirt on top. She’d brought two bottles of Pinot Noir. She rang the bell and, for a split second, wondered if the people living across the hall knew what Liz did for a living. Jessica pushed the thought away and then the door swung open.
“Hello, hello.” Liz gave her a big smile. “Welcome to my humble abode.” She threw her arms wide for Jessica to step into.
It was an awkward hug because Jessica was holding the bag with the bottles of wine and, even more so, the familiarity with which they had left things the previous night wasn’t there yet. It couldn’t possibly be.
“Sit. Make yourself comfortable,” Liz said. Her voice sounded a little different—as though she too was a little nervous.
Jessica looked around Liz’s living room. The last of the light outside slanted in through big windows.
Liz took the bottles of wine from the bag Jessica had handed her and examined the labels. “We’ll be having excellent red tonight then.” She put one bottle on the dining table and brought the other one into the sitting area.
“What a lovely place,” Jessica said. Totally different from Katherine’s home, she thought. But she really should stop comparing Liz to Katherine—or Laurel. People in the same profession didn’t live carbon copies of each other’s lives. “Do you own it?”
“No.” Liz carried over two wine glasses. “I’m not really one for owning property. I like the freedom that comes with renting.”
“And the sky-high Sydney rent?”
Liz waved her arm around. “The square footage of this place isn’t huge. And I get by.” She winked at Jessica. “My landlady is very nice, actually.”
Something tightened in Jessica’s stomach. What did that mean? That Liz paid rent with other means than just money? She pushed the thought out of her mind. She couldn’t spend the evening with ideas like that swarming around in her head.
Jessica sat down. “Your decor is very Scandi-chic,” she said.
“Is it?” Liz looked around her living room as though reassessing it. “If by that you mean most of my furniture is from Ikea, you’re half right.” She chuckled.
Liz poured them a glass of wine and handed one to Jessica. She looked into her eyes as she did. “I’m glad you’re here,” she said.
“Me too.” One gaze into Liz’s eyes and Jessica was ready to forget most thoughts she had walked in here with. “I didn’t mean to imply that your furniture is from Ikea. I actually meant—”
Liz silenced her with a grin. “It’s fine. I’m not sensitive about my furniture.” She sat next to Jessica and drew one knee up onto the couch so that it touched the side of Jessica’s thigh. “Let me try this wine you brought.” She made a performance of pushing her nose into the glass, taking a sip and swirling the wine around in her mouth. “All I can say is that it’s exquisite, Ms. Porter,” she exclaimed. “You have great taste.”
“So do you.” Jessica noticed the Xiao Mei Chong on the wall across from where she was sitting. “How long have you had that?”
“Almost ten years.” Liz gazed at the painting as well. “Bought it for less than two grand.”
Jessica’s eyes grew wide. “Wow. It must be worth several times that now.” She looked at Liz. “Do you have any other gems like that?”
“I’ll give you a tour later.” She grinned at Jessica. Clearly Liz’s mind was not on art. “If only I had more wall space.”
“Feel free to hang any excess art at my house,” Jessica blurted out before she realized how presumptuous that sounded.
Liz glanced at her in silence. “It’s my dream to open an art gallery someday. After I’ve retired.”
“Retired,” Jessica repeated. “Do you have a set retirement age in your… business?”
Liz shook her head while she chuckled. “Not really. But most of my colleagues quit soon after forty.”
“Is that your plan as well?” Jessica sipped from the wine. Excellent as it may be, she was too distracted waiting for Liz’s reply to pay much attention to its taste.
“Yes. Although it depends. Starting an art gallery requires a fair bit of capital. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I should have the money in a few years.”
“Is it terribly indiscreet to ask how old you are?” Jessica shuffled around. “You probably already know that I’m forty-five.”
“I’m thirty-nine. It’s not a secret. I’ve never understood why women are so coy about their age.”
Jessica shrugged. “Just another thing pushed upon us by women’s magazines.”
“Doesn’t your father own a few of the worst offenders?” Liz asked. “If you’re sick of TV, maybe you can go into the women’s magazines business and shake things up a little. You’d be doing many women a favor.” Liz pushed a strand of dark hair behind her ear.
“Hm.” Jessica bunched her lips together. “No, TV is higher on my work wish list than magazines, I’m afraid.”
“How about going back to advertising?” Liz asked.
“I’ve thought about it, but my name isn’t going to inspire a lot of confidence in possible clients after what happened.” She took another sip of wine.
“Is this where you finally tell me about it?” Liz’s voice was sweet. “Full disclosure. I tried to google it, but didn’t find a thing.”
“Never underestimate the reach of Edward Porter when it comes to keeping his reputation untarnished. And to be clear, that reputation extends to anything that could reflect badly on him, including his daughter’s illness.”
“You were ill?” Liz asked. Her knee still rested against Jessica’s thigh.
“I suffered from the disease so many women my age suffer from. We try to do too much while also trying to prove that we’re up for the job, which costs us double the effort as men because we need to first convince ourselves that we’re not imposters. Then we have to convince all the people around us.” She sighed. “Most days, I started work from home at 6 a.m., putting in a few hours before going to the office, and I didn’
t stop until midnight. It was pure madness when I look back on it. These days, I’m not sure what I was trying to prove. I’m pretty certain it didn’t help with keeping my body cancer free.”
“Oh, no, please don’t blame yourself for that.” There was a twinge of agitation in Liz’s voice. “My mother used to say things like that as well. If only I hadn’t done this or that—the list was endless. But it’s so pointless.”
Jessica shook her head. “You can’t help it though.”
Liz just nodded.
“I burned out completely. I sank into a deep depression. My managing skills took a nose dive. I lost us one big client, which was like the first in a line of very well-aligned dominos. The business went under in less than a year.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that.” Liz put a hand on Jessica’s knee.
“Maybe it happened for a reason. Clearly, I couldn’t go on the way I had been. I was ignoring all the warning signs.” Jessica looked into her wine glass. “Of course, my father stepped in to take care of everything. He made sure my employees got handsome severance packages and he paid off my debtors. In theory, the business never officially folded, but in my head, it did.” She looked up again. “He hasn’t really treated me the same since.” She pulled up one shoulder. “I guess I’ve always been a disappointment to him.”
“Is it the classic story of you not wanting to take over his empire?” Liz’s tone was free of judgment.
“In a way, but it’s a bit more complicated than that.” She leaned back into the couch. “But maybe we can keep that story for another time.” She narrowed her eyes. “I want to know more about you.”
“I have very few secrets,” Liz said and threw her arms wide as if to illustrate her point.
“Really?” Jessica drew her lips into a skeptical pout. “I mean, I do hope you have some.”
“Well, yes, professional discretion is paramount. That’s a given.”
“How did your parents react to you coming out?” Jessica asked.
Liz gave a small shrug. “Not much at all. It wasn’t a shock nor a surprise. I guess they knew much sooner than I did. And my father is, well… he simply doesn’t care about any of that. Maybe my mother was a bit worried about my future, but if she was, she didn’t really show it. It was the most undramatic non-event. The way all coming-outs should be, really.”
