by Harper Bliss
“I’ll tell you over a drink, shall I?” Jessica said.
“Sure. I’ll have some of that wine you’re drinking.”
Jessica had opened a bottle right after she’d called Katherine and asked her to meet. She’d gone through nearly half of it on her own.
She tried to take a discreet deep breath as she poured Katherine some wine.
“Okay,” she said. “You’re going to think I’ve lost my mind and I actually very much think I am losing my mind.” She fidgeted with the sleeve of her sweater. “Just for the record.”
Katherine slanted her head. “Let me guess,” she said. “You’ve only gone and fallen in love with an escort.”
Jessica sighed. “We just really clicked.”
“Oh, I’m sure you did.” Katherine drank from the wine Jessica had just poured her. “I’m not going to judge you for falling for her, but don’t expect this to be a walk in the park either.”
Jessica sighed. “I know it’s not. I’m going mad because, er, right at this moment Liz is with a client. Honestly, if you weren’t here, I’m not sure what I would be doing.”
Katherine put down her glass. “Look, Jess, I wish there was a manual for this, but there isn’t. If you’re going to do this with Liz—have a relationship with her—you’re going to have to tell her how you feel, but you’re also going to have to learn to respect what she does and that she chose this job.” She looked longingly at her glass again. “Believe me, I know it’s hard.”
“If I’m going to be like this three times a week…” Jessica said.
“You’re freaking out right now. It’s normal. You probably have all sorts of images in your head.”
“Not only that, but I have a pit the size of a cannonball in my stomach. If I see her tomorrow, what am I going to say to her? How am I going to behave? I mean… I’m jealous. That’s really what it comes down to.”
“Oh, Jess. Of all the women in Sydney.” Katherine shot her a smile.
“She just… made me feel something so real, so undeniable. We had fun, you know. Genuine fun. She made me giggle when I didn’t think I had much reason to.” She pulled up her shoulders. “I just love being around her. I love how she makes me feel when I’m with her. And she seems to feel the same way.”
“All of that, eh?” Katherine said warily.
“And then some. I just wonder what she sees in me.”
Katherine held up her hand. “Oh no, none of that, please. It’s well established you’re a catch.”
“The hell I am.”
“I’m not even going to discuss that. Honestly, you can take that up with Mrs. Buchman. I’ve wasted enough of my breath on trying to convince you of that.”
Jessica waved off Katherine’s remark. “I invited Liz to Caitlin’s.” While she had her hand up, she gestured for Katherine to swallow her upcoming remark. “Don’t worry, it was Caitlin who extended the invitation. She knows what Liz does. I told her.”
“I look forward to getting to know her better then.” Katherine cocked her head. “And to seeing the two of you together.”
“Have you and her ever, er, worked together?”
Katherine chuckled. “Please, Jess, don’t ask me these questions. Ask them of Liz. Start a conversation. Whatever it is you and she are starting, it’s not going to be easy, but it sure as hell won’t be boring either. You’ll always have plenty to talk about.”
“Thank goodness we’ll have conversation then.”
“Conversation is a lot to have.”
They sat pondering this for a moment.
“I thought you’d be more cross with me,” Jessica said. “That you’d go off the deep end like last time.”
“That was hardly me going off the deep end. Either way, it needed to be said. This isn’t a fairytale you’re walking into.”
“Maybe not, but she’s as gorgeous as any fairy princess.” A smile appeared on her lips. “I guess when you look like that, you might as well…” Jessica brought a hand to her mouth. Had she really said that out loud?
Katherine either hadn’t heard or had decided to ignore Jessica’s last remark. She didn’t say anything and Jessica couldn’t bear the silence hanging between them.
“Do you think it’s possible… I mean, do you know women who do what you do and are in a successful relationship?” Jessica asked.
Katherine reached for her wine glass again. She drank before speaking. “Don’t you think it’s time you actually started using the words invented for what it is I do? I’m an escort, Jess. Some would call me a hooker, or a call girl, a prostitute or a sex worker.”
“There’s no need to be crass,” Jessica blurted out.
“It’s not crass. It’s a job.”
Jessica let her head fall back. “I’m sorry,” she said when she looked back up. “I didn’t mean to offend you. It was just all so much easier before I met Liz.”
“To answer your question. Yes, it is possible, but not common. But there are always exceptions to the rule.”
“Liz wants to start an art gallery,” Jessica said. “I have money.” She regretted it as soon as the words had left her mouth.
“Please don’t try to save her. Liz doesn’t need saving. Please take the advice I’m about to give you very seriously. Don’t offer her money. One of the core reasons any of us do this job is because of the independence it gives us. We don’t need some rich girl swooping in with bags of money. We make our own way.” She took a quick sip. “I can only speak for myself, of course.”
“You don’t have to tell me you can’t buy happiness with money,” Jessica said. “My father’s been trying that all his life and he isn’t exactly the happiest person I know.”
“Would this include you as well?” Katherine asked.
“Well, I certainly know,” Jessica said wistfully. “I’ve experienced it firsthand. But money is supposed to make some things easier.” Of course, the simple equation of her having money and Liz saving money to open her own art gallery didn’t work in real life. Jessica knew that much as well.
“You’re going to need to have a cold hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if being with Liz is what you really want. It’s going to come at a price. Are you willing to pay?”
“There’s no way I’m letting her go because she’s an… escort.” She barely managed to squeeze the last word past her lips. “She makes me feel too good—too much—for that.”
“Think about it for a bit longer, anyway. Because this is the early stage, when you’re still giddy with hormones which make a lot of things a lot easier to handle.”
“I showed her my scar, Kat. Somehow, she got me to do that. Before I hadn’t even dared to look at myself in the mirror.”
“You did?” Katherine’s eyes grew wide.
Jessica nodded. “It was such a special moment, but when you look at it in another way… I mean, I had booked her. It could also be something totally different. Like a paid-for emotion or something.”
“There’s no such thing as a paid-for emotion,” Katherine said matter-of-factly.
“You know what I mean.” Jessica looked at her friend. She probably had a lesson or two to learn from her. Maybe Katherine was right and she should be learning them from the woman she was falling in love with instead.
“I know what you’re getting at, but I think it’s a pretty safe bet that what you felt when you showed yourself to Liz was as real as it gets. There’s no way that didn’t evoke some very real emotions in her. It might very well be why she’s falling in love with you. Vulnerability can be a beautiful thing.”
Out of nowhere, a tear pushed itself out of the corner of Jessica’s eye. “Oh, fuck.” She quickly wiped it away. “I haven’t cried since…” She had to think. “Since before the surgery.”
“Oh, Jess.” Katherine stood and came to sit next to her in the couch. “Why are you rich people so hard on yourselves?”
“I don’t think it’s necessarily a privilege of the privileged,” she joked. She didn’t
want any more tears leaking from her eyes.
“From what I gather, what happened between you and Liz was a beautiful thing. You opened yourself up to her emotionally and that’s not an easy thing to do. No matter how difficult things might be, you’ll always have that.” Katherine put her arms around Jessica. “I think you should have a good cry on my shoulder now. I’m your friend, remember?” She rubbed a finger over the fabric of her blouse. “This old thing can take it.”
Jessica shook her head. “I don’t want to cry.”
“If you’re sure.” Katherine pulled her a little closer. “Either way, I’m here.”
Jessica put her head on Katherine’s shoulder. She swallowed the rest of her tears and thanked her lucky stars Katherine had come over. But, of course, she couldn’t call a friend every time Liz went to see a client. If this was going to last, she’d need to find a different coping mechanism.
Chapter Twenty
“Hey gorgeous.” Liz kissed Jessica on the cheek. It was a lingering kiss and Jessica inhaled Liz’s scent deeply.
They had a few hours before they were expected at Caitlin and Jo’s. Jessica was glad they had some time together. After last night’s agitation, she felt she needed to get used to being around Liz again. It seemed to be a recurring thing. She always managed to feel completely at ease with Liz, but only after a while. Before she could reach that stage, she always had to take on a certain hurdle—it wasn’t much of a secret to Jessica what the problem was.
They headed into the sitting room and sat down. Liz had proposed to meet at the Pink Bean, but Jessica had asked her to come over to her house instead. She needed to say a few things and wasn’t sure a Saturday afternoon at the Pink Bean was the best location for it—not that there was any best location to have this particular conversation.
“I missed you.” Liz apparently didn’t have any hurdles to overcome because she started pushing Jessica down into the couch. “A lot.” She went straight for her neck.
“Please, stop,” Jessica said, in a more forceful tone than she wanted to.
Liz sat up and looked at her. “What’s going on? I figured you didn’t want to meet me in the coffee shop because…” She waggled her eyebrows. “You know.”
Jessica scoffed.
“What?” Liz asked.
“You really don’t know?” Jessica asked.
Liz sighed. She adjusted her position and sat down properly, crossing one knee over the other.
“I have an informed guess.” She fixed her gaze on Jessica. “Talk to me.”
Jessica huffed out some air. “Talk, talk, talk,” she said. “Some things just aren’t that easy to talk about. Some things, I simply don’t have the vocabulary for.”
“Well, I do, Jess.” Liz turned in the couch, drawing one leg up. “You’re jealous. It’s to be expected.”
“I—I just have no idea how to deal with this—how to be around you.”
“Ask me what you want to know. I’ll tell you. I can’t tell you who I was with, but I can tell you what happened. Is that what you want to know?”
Jessica considered this, but the ball in the pit of her stomach only seemed to grow at the thought of actually knowing what Liz and her client had been up to. She shook her head. “No, I guess that, for starters, I just want to know if with… your client, it was the same as with me.”
“Of course it wasn’t. How could it possibly be?”
“I was your client,” Jessica said.
“For about five minutes, Jess. I think we both knew there was something else going on between us pretty quickly.” Liz looked away for a moment, then fixed her gaze on Jessica again. “People meet under all sorts of circumstances and this happens to be how we met. I’ve never fallen for a client before and I didn’t fall for you because you were a client. But what you have to understand is that I no longer justify what I do, because doing that would mean a few things. For starters, it would mean that it needs justifying. In the end, I could give you all the justification I wanted, it wouldn’t change how you felt. I can understand how you feel, that’s not what I’m saying, but this is something you’re going to have to get over. I’ll help you in any way I can, but this is me. This is what I do and what I’m going to be doing for the foreseeable future. Either you learn to live with it or you don’t.”
“I’m sorry,” Jessica said. “I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.”
“It’s okay. You’ll get used to it.”
Jessica wasn’t so sure of that. How could she possibly get used to the woman she was falling in love with sleeping with other people? But then again, what choice did she have? Stop falling in love? If this couldn’t stop her, nothing would.
“Maybe we need some sort of protocol,” Jessica said, even though she didn’t really know where she was going with this suggestion. “Some cooling off period after you’ve had a date with a client.”
Liz shook her head. “How about this instead.” She shuffled closer but didn’t touch Jessica. “I just don’t tell you when I’m working. That way you can’t freak out about it.”
“I’m not sure that’s going to work. I’ll know regardless of you telling me.”
“Oh really? Have you been bestowed with the gift of knowing what I’m up to when we’re not together?”
“If you’re not free in the evening, I won’t be able to conclude otherwise than that you’re on a date.”
“That’s your conclusion to draw, but I do have other evening activities. Gym. Friends. Art show openings. Believe it or not, I have a life. A good one. One I’d introduce you to, if I felt you were up to it.”
“That’s a bit unfair.” Jessica shuffled in her seat. “You can’t blame me for how I feel.”
“I don’t blame you. I just wish we could move past this.” Liz held out her hand.
Jessica looked at it. Suddenly, holding each other’s hand had taken on a deeper meaning. If she put her hand in Liz’s, it meant she was at least willing to give that a try. That she was willing to consider moving past it.
She extended her hand and touched Liz’s. Immediately, the softness of it struck her again, but the knot in her stomach remained.
“Shall I impart some hooker wisdom on you?” Liz shot her a soft smile.
“Please do,” Jessica said. That smile was making her melt already.
“It’s all a balancing act. Basically, life is a balancing act. We’re all just looking for the same thing. It’s not so much about happiness as about a steadier feeling of contentment. That’s the balance. But every time the pendulum swings one way, be it to the side of extreme happiness or extreme sadness, or any other off-balance emotion, it needs to swing all the way back to the other side if it ever wants to reach the middle again.” With the finger of her free hand, Liz made a swinging motion, then halted in a spot in the air that was supposed to be the middle. “One doesn’t exist without the other. You want to be with me.” Her finger went up in the air. “But for that to happen you’ll have to accept certain parts of me, which will be a challenge.” Her finger arched to the other side of where it had previously stopped. “But hopefully we’ll meet each other here at some point.” Her finger curved through the air and stopped at Liz’s self-chosen point of balance.
“Wow.” Jessica chuckled because she didn’t really know how else to react. “Very deep for a hooker, indeed.”
“See, you’re starting to swing the other way already. You just made a hooker joke.” Liz’s smile grew—it resembled the arc she had drawn in the air.
Chapter Twenty-One
“I have brought a fan girl,” Jessica said before she introduced Liz to Caitlin. “Brace yourself.”
“I can keep my cool,” Liz said, and held out her hand to Caitlin. “Unlike some.”
Jessica saw her wink at Caitlin. Caitlin responded with a big smile followed by ignoring Liz’s extended hand and drawing her into a hug instead.
“This is my partner Jo,” she said, and put a hand on Jo’s shoulder.
&nbs
p; “I’ve heard a lot about you,” Liz said and, following Caitlin’s lead, threw her arms around Jo.
“Very nice to meet you,” Jo said.
As Jessica kissed Jo hello, she wondered if Caitlin had told her about what Liz did for a living. Then she remembered what Katherine had told her the other day. She should stop referring to Liz’s profession in roundabout ways—even in her own head—if she was ever going to accept it, which, truth be told, Jessica wasn’t so sure she could.
“Katherine texted she’s going to be late,” Caitlin said. “It’s just us for now. Do come through.”
Jessica had been at Caitlin and Jo’s before, but she let Liz take in the place in her own time. And it was a hell of a place to take in. Jessica remembered the very first time she’d been invited here. She’d like to believe that she’d set up that foursome all by herself, but Caitlin had propositioned her first. In this very place.
The memory of that evening, strangely, put Jessica more at ease. Perhaps because it reminded her of Caitlin’s extreme lack of judgement when it came to certain things. If she could take Liz as her date somewhere for the first time, it was here. Jessica didn’t want to think ahead to the moment when she would introduce Liz to her father. His first question to anyone was, without exception, “What do you do for a living?”
They all sat in the living room. Liz cast a glance at Caitlin and Jo’s impressive bookshelf. Jo poured champagne without asking if everyone wanted to have the same drink.
Jessica took a sip immediately, just to calm her nerves. Wasn’t this going a little too fast? It was the worst time to wonder about this, because the invitation had been accepted and they were already sitting on Caitlin and Jo’s couch, but she wondered nonetheless. Should she be introducing Liz to her friends already? It had seemed logical after their first week together, but that was before Liz had been with a client. Those few hours had changed a lot for Jessica.
She tried to hold on to the sweet memories she and Liz had already created, and how important those memories already were in her life. But was it really worth all this insecurity?
