by Harper Bliss
“You’re Caitlin James,” Jessica said, and remembered how Liz had fawned over her at dinner last Saturday—before it all went south. “What could you possibly have to forgive yourself for?”
Caitlin shook her head. “Every single person on this planet has plenty of things to forgive themselves for. It can be small things or huge things. But some people prefer to hang on to their mistakes and their pain and be all victim-y about it.”
“Do you mean me?” Jessica asked.
Caitlin sat up. “You’ve been through a rough time, Jess. It was never going to be easy to pick yourself back up, but you’re doing it. So you said some things to Liz, or you made her feel bad and as though things between you couldn’t work… so what? Right this minute, millions of people are making similar mistakes. It doesn’t mean things can’t work out. I’m sure Liz has had to endure far worse than what you’ve thrown at her. If you feel like you screwed up, get over it, and get her back.”
Jessica’s phone started ringing. It was Jennifer.
“Sorry,” she said to Caitlin and picked up.
“I have your father on the line for you,” Jennifer said.
“Oh Christ,” Jessica said. She looked at Caitlin. “I’m going to have to take this.”
Caitlin shot up out of her chair. “Call me later,” she said, and scooted out the door.
Jessica took a deep breath and said, “Hello, Daddy.”
“How’s my favorite daughter?” her father said.
“I’m your only daughter,” Jessica replied, as always.
“Still my favorite.” Jessica knew he was in a good mood if he continued the joke—no matter how silly it was.
“How are you?” she asked.
“I’m good, as always. How are you?”
“Well,” Jessica said.
“Well enough to come to the Porter gala next weekend?”
Jessica had completely forgotten about that, even though it was a yearly event and her presence was non-negotiable. She’d had other things on her mind lately. But she knew that turning up meant a lot to her father.
“Of course. I’ll be there with bells on.”
“Great.” Her father paused. She could hear his breath in her ear while he was trying to find the words to say whatever he was going to say next. It was an odd thing. Edward Porter usually wasn’t one to beat about the bush. His only child getting cancer had changed more about him than Jessica allowed herself to consider. But when she was faced with it like this, it was hard to ignore.
“Yes?” she asked.
“It’s just that, um, an acquaintance of Christine has seen you with someone and, I guess, we were both wondering if you’d be coming to the gala alone or bringing a plus one?”
“Seen me with someone?” Jessica’s heart started racing.
“Walking down the street, apparently. That’s what I’ve been told.”
Jessica relaxed. “People walk down the street with other people all the time, Daddy.”
“Well, yes, of course. Sure they do. But this person who spotted you apparently told Christine that you looked as though you were very close.”
“Erm, excuse me, but is this Edward Porter on the other end of the line or an impersonator pulling a prank on me?”
“You know what your stepmother’s like,” her father said. “She wouldn’t let me off the hook until I asked you.”
“Ah, good to know Christine still wears the trousers at home.”
“What should I tell her?”
“The truth. That I was walking down the street with a friend. Getting some air during my convalescence. Doctor’s orders and all that.”
“And you’ll be coming to the gala alone?” her father asked.
“Yes. Alone,” Jessica confirmed, but not without a pang of regret shooting through her. This was the same gala where, four years ago, she’d met Katherine.
“She was just a friend then?” Her father took her by surprise with that question.
“Yes, Daddy. Just a friend.” Right now, Liz wasn’t even her friend. In fact, Liz had never been her friend. Jessica had fallen hard and fast for her, but friendship had nothing to do with it.
“Okay,” he said. “Don’t work too hard.”
Jessica shook her head, well aware her father couldn’t see her response to more evidence of his changed behavior.
“The same goes for you,” she said.
“Do you know what?” her father said. “I might actually take your advice.”
On Tuesday afternoon Jessica found herself at home, not knowing what to do with herself. She logged onto The Lesbian Experience website and surfed to Liz’s profile. In the picture that came with it, her face was obscured to protect her privacy, but her lingerie-clad body was on full display. Jessica remembered the picture hanging above Liz’s bed. Then she remembered Liz’s actual body all over hers. Liz’s finger tracing her scar. Liz’s lips on her nipple.
She read through Liz’s profile again. It was all fairly vague but pretty accurate at the same time.
Liz likes to go to the gym and keep fit. Liz likes to visit art galleries and go to the opera. She has a fair complexion and short black hair.
That information wasn’t too up-to-date. Liz has bangs that fall into her eyes all the time, Jessica corrected the profile in her head. And she tucks it behind her ears with the cutest gesture you’ll ever see.
Jessica scrolled down and stopped at the section titled Specialties.
First time lesbian experiences. Liz will make you feel totally at ease. Her warmth will disarm you and she will create that special kind of atmosphere in which you can fully relax and discover what you really like.
Liz would be perfect for that. In her head, Jessica added another special skill: helping cancer survivors accept their changed bodies. She figured that wouldn’t do well on the agency’s website.
She scrolled down to the next section: Most beautiful feature: bedroom eyes.
Goodness, Liz’s eyes.
Jessica closed the website. She didn’t want to read about Liz’s features on the internet. She wanted to see them in real life. Caitlin’s words rang in her head. Get over it and get her back.
Jessica wished it were that simple. Yes, she had been insensitive and prejudiced and judgmental, but not without good reason.
In the end, it all boiled down to the choice she had to make. She got up from the couch and looked out the window. Someone had seen her walking around the streets of Pott’s Point with Liz on her arm. Jessica had no idea who and she had no intention of asking her stepmother.
She put on her jacket and went for a walk—on her own. She walked all the way to the Pink Bean, retracing the route she and Liz had taken only last week.
She ordered a coffee and sat by the window, gazing out, watching the people going by. Foot traffic was high and every single time she caught the profile of a tall woman with dark hair, her heart skipped a beat.
But what would Liz be doing in this neighborhood, anyway? Come to think of it, she could have a client in Darlinghurst. She may need a cup of coffee after and hop into that coffee shop she discovered the previous week.
Jessica shook her head. Had she really fought her way out of depression and beat cancer to feel like this? To glance at strangers in the street and hope they would be the woman who had made her feel the most alive in years? Was it really a case of love versus virtue? Because Jessica wasn’t all that interested in virtue anymore.
“Hi, Jessica,” a voice came from behind her. “So good to see you.”
Jessica looked up and saw Sheryl standing by the table.
“How are you?” Sheryl asked.
Jessica didn’t know what to say. Politeness required her to answer that she was doing fine, and physically she was doing well, but emotionally, she was about to fall apart.
“Can I sit?” Sheryl asked when Jessica didn’t reply.
“Of course. And I’m fine, by the way.” Jessica tried a smile.
“Are you?” Sheryl glance
d at her with the most piercing gaze.
“Yep.”
“Not back at work yet?” Sheryl asked.
“Only half days for now.”
“Ah, so you’re a lady of leisure in the afternoon.” Sheryl narrowed her eyes and examined Jessica’s face. She was about to say something—or ask a question Jessica was pretty sure she wouldn’t want to answer—when Kristin showed up at their table. She put her hand on Sheryl’s shoulder. It was a simple gesture, but it held so much meaning. It reminded Jessica of what she’d said at Katherine’s brunch the day before. The harsh words she had spoken about love. Yet, right in front of her nose, she was presented with the very image of love. Two women who had been together for decades. Two women to whom the simple gesture of laying a hand on each other’s shoulder meant very little and so much at the same time.
Jessica had turned forty-five and she’d never been the recipient of such a tiny gesture. She had, however, very much been on the receiving end of a very grand gesture. Liz’s kindness, which not only shone in her eyes every time she looked at Jessica, but had been so blatantly on display when she’d coaxed Jessica to look at herself in the mirror.
“It’s lovely to see you both,” Jessica said. Neither Sheryl nor Kristin would ever know how truly she meant it. “But I have somewhere to be.” She pushed herself out of her chair, shot the two women a smile, and went on her way.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Jessica looked out of the window of her car and gazed at the entrance of Liz’s building. She’d rung the bell earlier, but nobody had answered. Either Liz wasn’t home or she was ignoring her.
On the drive over to Bondi, Jessica had considered turning around quite a few times, but something had kept her foot firmly on the gas pedal and had kept her hands from turning the steering wheel. She knew exactly what that something was. The feeling Liz had given her. Jessica missed it. She missed it when she got up in the morning and faced herself in the mirror. When she glanced at her face as well as her scar. She could so easily go back to ignoring the flatness of her chest where her right breast used to be. All she had to do was turn away from the mirror or raise her glance upward a bit. But she didn’t want to go back to that space where she’d lingered before she’d met Liz.
She, very simply, wanted Liz back. The alternative was feeling like she’d missed out on one of the greatest opportunities of her life, and Jessica couldn’t live with that. She needed Liz to give her another chance. If only she would come home already.
Maybe she shouldn’t stay in her car, ogling Liz’s building like a stalker. The beach was only a few blocks away. She could go for a walk and come back later. Or she could just give Liz a call.
But Jessica found that she couldn’t move. Something kept her in the car, her gaze glued to the building’s entrance, waiting for the gorgeous sight of Liz to pop up in her field of vision.
Jessica had been sitting in her car for more than an hour, focusing on Liz’s building while sipping from a bottle of water. Now she really had to use the toilet. Liz could be anywhere. She could be away for a few more hours. Maybe she had an appointment away from Sydney. An overnight in an exotic location. She had read on the agency’s website that the women working there could be booked for those sort of things.
She squirmed in her seat, pressing her legs together. There was a coffee shop on the corner of the street. She could go there.
She got out of her car. It felt good to stretch her legs. She glanced around the street. She hoped Liz wouldn’t arrive just then. Jessica needed to take care of her biological emergency first.
When she exited the coffee shop, a paper cup in hand, Jessica leaned against her car and scanned the street one last time. Her stake-out plan hadn’t worked. She walked over to Liz’s building and rang the bell one more time, on the off chance she’d arrived home while Jessica was using the facilities, but nobody answered the door.
While she drank her coffee, Jessica walked the few blocks to the beach. She threw the empty cup in a trash can and fished her phone out of her pocket. Somehow, turning up at Liz’s had felt like the grand gesture she needed to make. Calling her up had seemed at the same time not enough and also harder to do. But it was her only option if she wanted to speak to Liz today. And she did.
Jessica dialed Liz’s number and every time it rang, her heartbeat picked up speed. It rang seven times before it went to voicemail. Jessica listened to Liz’s voicemail message. When the beep came, she found herself speechless so she hung up.
She looked at the ocean and breathed in deeply. Liz not picking up didn’t necessarily mean that she didn’t want to speak to her. Maybe she was driving. Or she’d just missed the call.
Or she was with a client.
Jessica forced herself to focus on the last option. Liz could very well be with a client. Say that she was, what would Jessica do if she knew this for certain? Say Liz forgave her, they made up, and Jessica was in her apartment waiting for her to come home. Could she live with that? The answer to that question was the crux of it all.
But Jessica couldn’t give a hard no or yes. Imagining it wasn’t the same as actually experiencing it. Besides, she had come here this afternoon because she had felt that she didn’t have a choice. Liz had been placed on her path for a reason. It had hit her—like a shudder all the way into her bones—when she’d seen Sheryl and Kristin simply standing together. What was virtue worth without love? It wasn’t a choice. It was just another example of Jessica being afraid to live her life to the fullest.
Chapter Twenty-Six
After she walked back to her car, Jessica decided to give ringing Liz’s bell one last try. She’d been gone for a good twenty minutes. Plenty of time for Liz to have come home—and not picked up her phone.
Jessica pressed her finger to the bell. It could very well be the last time she did so. But at least she had tried. Or maybe she would come back tomorrow. She didn’t know.
The buzz of the intercom crackled, snapping Jessica out of her spiral of self-pity. “Yes?” Liz’s voice said.
“Liz, hi. It’s me.” Didn’t Liz have a video intercom system? “Jessica.”
“Yes. I can see you. What do you want?”
Jessica hoped she was looking into the camera. “I would really like to speak with you. Can I come up?”
“You’ve sure been persistent enough,” Liz said, and buzzed her in without further ado.
Jessica pushed open the door and called the elevator. What did Liz mean about her having been persistent? And what on earth was Jessica going to say to her? Would sorry be enough? She breathed deeply in and out while the elevator took her to Liz’s floor. When she stood in the hallway, she found Liz’s door ajar. She pushed it open and stepped inside the apartment.
Jessica didn’t see Liz, so she figured she must be waiting for her inside. She closed the front door and headed into the living room.
Liz was looking out of the window, her arms crossed in front of her.
“Hi,” Jessica said.
Liz didn’t turn around.
“You’re lucky you didn’t get a parking ticket,” Liz said. “I was surprised you didn’t pay for your parking, I must say. It just seems like something you would always do.”
“What? I’m not sure—”
“Your car’s been parked across the street for two hours.”
“You were home all this time?” Jessica was confused.
Still with her back to Jessica, Liz nodded.
“Why didn’t you answer?”
“Why would I?” Liz finally turned around.
Jessica didn’t know what to say to that. “I’m sorry.” She felt it best to launch directly into an apology. “You have no reason to. I just… really wanted to see you.”
“Why’s that?” Liz uncrossed her arms and leaned against the window sill.
“To apologize for, um, not treating you with the respect you deserve. For putting my own insecurities above… everything else.”
Liz sighed, but didn’t
say anything.
Jessica took a step closer. “I’m not here to give you a big declaration of love, but I am here to ask for another chance.”
“What’s changed?” Liz was wearing a very loose t-shirt and the sleeve had just slipped off her impressive right shoulder, baring it. “Don’t tell me you have, because I don’t think that’s possible in just three days.”
“Meeting you has changed me, though. I think you know that too.” Jessica stopped herself from taking another step closer.
Liz shook her head. “The only thing I do know is that I don’t know all that much about you. And what I do know about you, I don’t care for that much.”
“You can be really harsh sometimes,” Jessica said.
“Likewise,” Liz said. She glared at Jessica but something in her face had softened.
“I’m here, Liz,” Jessica said. “I’m here because it’s the only place I want to be. Nothing else is of interest to me. You made me feel things…” She shook her head. “I can’t even begin to tell you.”
“How do you propose I react to this?” Liz held up her hand. “Don’t give me your dream scenario, just give me an honest assessment. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?”
Jessica couldn’t stop a small smile from forming on her lips. “That’s an impossible question and you know it.”
Liz pursed her lips together. She looked at her watch ostentatiously. “What if I told you I had to meet a client in an hour. How would you react to that?”
“I would say…” Jessica racked her brain. So much seemed to depend on her reply. She looked at Liz, at how she stood there, the light from outside like a halo around her, her shoulder bare. Her eyes were challenging Jessica, but they conveyed kindness as well.
“Well,” Liz said when Jessica remained silent, “what’s it going to be?”
Jessica locked her gaze on Liz’s. She had stopped racking her brain. The answer to Liz’s question wasn’t to be found in her logical mind, anyway. It had to come from her gut. “I would say,” she repeated. “Care to practice on me?”
