“What are you talking about?” I was so confused. It was as if I had witnessed him undergo some type of Jekyll and Hyde moment, “What the hell, Austin?”
“Kelsey,” Austin said, glancing at me and then back. “What are you doing here?” I turned slightly to see a tall – runway model tall – woman walking toward us. She had legs that seemed to reach her boobs. Her long black hair flowed like a cape behind her. She was perfect. I wanted to hate her. But I had no reason to. It wasn’t her fault she was perfect.
“I had to come,” she said. Her voice rang sweet like wind chimes on a cool spring day. “When I heard this awful nonsense about you dating some local girl, I got on the first plane, so we could get out in front of these awful rumors and put a stop to all of it.” She stood in front of him and ran her hands, with her perfectly manicured nails, down the length of his arms. “People need to know that we’re still together.” Kelsey pulled out her cell phone, turned her back to Austin, and started to take a selfie of the two of them together.
“Kelsey, stop it,” he said. He pushed her arm down before the picture snapped. “We’re not going to do this again. I told you I don’t want to play along with your charade anymore.”
I began feeling embarrassed. Embarrassed for myself and for Austin. I didn’t want to be there anymore. “Austin, I’m just going to –”
“No!” he snapped, whipping his head around to look at me. He pointed his finger in my direction. “No, please,” he repeated himself, in a much gentler tone. “Don’t go. Just give me a minute.”
“Austin,” Kelsey’s voice didn’t sound so sweet anymore. “We need to let everyone know that we are still together.” She put her arms on his biceps and ran them up and down his skin. My stomach knotted as I watched. “We need to make sure people know that we’re working hard to get you get better and help you get strong and get you back on the field.”
Austin looked annoyed. He grabbed her arms and pulled them away. “Kel, I told you that I’m not going back. I’m done.”
He calls her Kel. Great. How cute. How sweet. How fun. He glanced at me again. I walked backwards, one-step at a time, trying to make my escape without being noticed.
“Don’t say that, Aussie,” Kelsey tilted her head, shifted her weight, and put her hand on her hip.
“And please, dammit. Don’t call me Aussie. I hate that.”
I need to get out of here. My hands shook. I can’t take any more of this. I felt nauseous. I should have known better. My eyes began to well up. I needed to get out of there before I started to cry. Why did I let myself get sucked in? I should have known better. I’m so stupid.
“All right, babe, I’m sorry.” She reached up and squeezed his bicep. “But we both know you want to play again. Football is your life.”
He wants to play football again? My heart boomed against my chest. Is that why he’s going to physical therapy? My throat closed, feeling too small and too tight to move enough air to sustain my life. But why did it matter? He was going to leave me. He was going to leave me and I had no idea. He’s going to get stronger, and then go back to Texas, back to his team, back to playing football? Why didn’t he tell me?
My focus moved momentarily from their conversation to the music flowing through the speakers. I counted the beats in the sets. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight ... My concentration was broken when Austin moved toward me.
Austin wriggled around her, moving closer to me. Our eyes met, and I looked away, not wanting him to see the tears. “I don’t remember asking you to come here, Kelsey,” he said.
“You didn’t.” She spun around, twisting her legs one on top of the other. “You never have to ask me, baby. I’ll always be here for you. I just want to help you get back to your life – your real life.”
“This is my real life,” Austin said. His voice was getting louder the more he spoke to her. “Football was my life. Was. Not anymore. Now I have the restaurant and this is where I want to be.”
“Fine, then I’ll stay here with you.” Kelsey leaned against the bar, her eyes slowly scanning the area. “I’m sure I can learn to like it.” She continued to look around the room, her gaze darting from place to place. “Eventually.”
Austin looked down at the ground and let out a long, loud sigh. “What did you do now Kelsey?” I could hear the frustration in his voice. Turning to face her, Austin crossed his arms over his chest. Kelsey flipped her hair off her shoulder.
I felt like I was watching a live episode of a soap opera. Today on Another World, Austin learns of Kelsey’s latest escapade. How will he react? Let’s find out.
“What makes you think I did anything?” Taking a seat at the bar, she slowly crossed her legs and looked at her nails. She made climbing onto a barstool look graceful. Is she part giraffe? Where the hell did she get such long, legs?
“Because that’s the only time you ever come running back to me,” Austin said. “You don’t give a shit who I’m seeing.” Austin glanced back at me, winked, and gave me a smile before turning back to Kelsey. I wanted to smile back at him, but my heart was aching. “So, what is it? Did you get caught with another girl’s boyfriend? Husband? Did you have a fight with your agent? Punch out a photographer?”
Wow. She’s a lover, a cheater and a fighter. The whole package. What’s not to love? Discretely wiping away the tears, I smirked at my own sarcasm, wishing someone had been witness to its genius.
“No,” she laughed. “One of the other models.”
Austin spun on the balls of his feet and moved to stand in front of me. He placed his hands on my shoulders, more loving and gentle than before. “I’m so sorry about this,” he said. I heard the regret and anguish in his voice and wanted to rescue him. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t even rescue myself from this nightmare. “I didn’t know she was coming.” He glared at Kelsey. “I promise you, Peyton. I will explain all of this to you later.” I turned my gaze to Kelsey as well. She was beautiful. So beautiful. A beauty I would never have. And graceful. I was graceful once. But not anymore. Not now. And never again.
“It’s okay,” I said. I tried to hold the pain inside. Why did I let myself like him? I’m so stupid. That’s the kind of woman he likes. Not me. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.”
“I can tell you’re not fine,” Austin pushed my hair off my shoulders. “But I promise you, I will make this up to you and I will explain everything.”
Kelsey slid onto one of the tables, her skirt barely covering her crotch. “Why are you so worried about what your chef thinks?” She tossed her hair back off her shoulders. “Oh, wait,” she said, her voice sang of sarcasm, her eyes looking me over top to bottom. “Is this her? So, you really are fucking someone else?”
I scoffed. “Shut up, Kelsey,” Austin snapped. He lifted his arm and pointed at her. “Seriously, just shut up. Or better yet, just go home and deal with your own shit.” Austin quickly turned back to me, putting his first knuckle under my chin to life my head. I looked into his eyes, unsure of what I hoped to find there.
“Austin, I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” I put my hand on his chest. His warm, tone, chiseled chest. I paused, taking in the feel of his body. Something told me it may be the last time I ever touched him. “I told you when we first started this that it wasn’t going to work, that we were too different.” I held his gaze, needing to make sure he was hearing me. “You should have listened to me. I’m not the right girl for you. You need someone tall,” I looked at Kelsey, “with fake hair, fake lashes, and fake tits.”
“Hey,” Kelsey stood up from the bar and whipped her hair around to flow down over her cleavage. “My lashes and tits may be fake, but my hair is real.”
Austin let out a huff of air. Kelsey put up her hand and turned away, leaning on the bar to show off her butt. Fuck! Even her ass is perfect. I took a step back from Austin. “I can’t compete with girls like that,” I pointed at Kelse
y. “Or the ones always following you around. And they just keep coming.”
“Compete?” Austin grabbed my hands and pulled them to lips, kissing them several times. “You never, ever, ever have to compete with anybody. And if you did, you would always win. Always. Do you understand that? Don’t you know how I feel about you? Don’t you know what you mean to me?”
I pulled my hands from his grip. “Stop,” I whispered, putting my hand up to stop Austin from speaking, or coming any closer. “Just stop.” I quickly turned around and walked out the front door.
“Peyton, please.” I heard him call after me, but I didn’t turn to look at him. I couldn’t. I knew if I looked back, we would talk, and I would accept whatever bullshit excuse he gave me. I wanted to stop. Every muscle in my body, every cell in every muscle, every atom in every cell wanted me to stop and run back to him.
My hurried steps flapped on the concrete sidewalk, and Austin’s words swirled in my mind. Don’t you know how I feel about you? Don’t you know what you mean to me? Obviously, I don’t. How is it possible for him to be with someone like Kelsey, and then want someone like me? I realized my muscular, short, broken body couldn’t be what he wanted. If she was his type, the kind of woman he dated, what he was attracted to, then there was no way he could ever truly love me.
I continued down the sidewalk, hoping that he wasn’t following me. I didn’t turn around to look. When I walked past a large store window with the elaborate Christmas display, I looked at the reflection, to see if he was there. I didn’t see him. Part of me was happy, but I was also disappointed. Why didn’t he come after me? Why didn’t he come after me and try to talk to me, to keep me from running away, to keep me from leaving.
He’s with her. He stayed with her. He let me leave and he stayed with her. Dammit. It was my own fault. My steps quickened. Now I was going to lose him. My steps quickened. My heart was broken. Soon I was nearly running. I threw open the door and darted through the dining room, past the staff, past Jesi, and into the pantry. I stood in front of the cans and boxes, hoping to find peace in my sanctuary. But as I stood there, my mind was blank, my eyes blurred from the building tears, and my body weakened. I fell into a heap in the middle of the floor.
Maybe my mother was right. The tears fell, creating tiny ponds on the tile floor. No one is ever going to love me. I’m too damaged.
Chapter Thirteen
This is my favorite part of the day. I walked through the kitchen, double checking the ovens, stoves, and faucets, ensuring everything was off and secure. It had been a couple days since the scene at Austin’s restaurant and I was beginning to accept the fact that it just wasn’t meant to be. I told him at the beginning it wouldn’t work. Why didn’t he just listen to me?
I walked into the dining room to finish cleaning up and heard a knock on the door. “We’re closed,” I yelled, not turning around. “We open at eight tomorrow morning.”
“Peyton, it’s me.” I recognized the voice and my body froze. “Can I talk to you for just a minute, please?” Turning to look, I saw Austin standing at the door, fidgeting slightly. “Please? It’s freezing out here.” I let out a long sigh, propped the broom against the wall and moved to the door.
Unlocking the deadbolt, I pushed the door open to let him in. “Just for a minute,” I said. “But I’m not sure what you want to talk about.”
“We don’t need to talk,” Austin stepped inside, removed his gloves and tucked them in his pockets. “I just need you to listen.” He removed his jacket and hung it on the back of one of the chairs. “Can you do that for me? Please?” I nodded. It’s not going to matter, but I’ll listen.
I locked the door and walked toward the center of the room. Every cell in my body wanted to run to the pantry, lock the door and sort until my fingers turned blue. But I didn’t. I resisted. And I listened.
“You said that you felt like you couldn’t compete with Kelsey or the other girls that keep coming around.” I nodded. “Who said I wanted you to? Who said that those girls are what I want? Just because they come around or they were a part of my life once, doesn’t mean that’s what I want. Think about it for a minute. You see those girls following me around. And you say it’s because they want me. But if you’ve paid attention, you’d notice that I’m following you around because, well, because I want you.”
As Austin talked, I moved to the wall and retrieved the broom. I moved back to where I had been standing and began sweeping the area directly in front of my feet, counting with each swipe.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten …
“Peyton?” I felt Austin’s hand on my mine. “Peyton, what are you doing?”
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and looked up at Austin. “I have OCD.” The words hung in the air like stale cigar smoke. I had never admitted it to anyone, not even Jesi, although she figured it out pretty quick. But I’ve never said it out loud. “I count things when I’m stressed.” Austin pulled his hand back and looked down at the floor, at the area to which I had been over-attentive. “See?” I said. “Screwed up.” I began moving the broom back and forth over the same area. “I’m a dancer who doesn’t dance. It’s all I was, all I’ve been, all I’ve ever known. So, what am I now? Who am I if I can’t dance?” Austin lifted his foot to take a step in my direction. I put up my hand. “You don’t want me. I’m broken.”
I expected my words to scare him away, to make him run. Instead, Austin’s face lit up. He smiled. “But I’m just as broken as you are!” he exclaimed. “If not more.” He pushed my hand down and pulled up his shirt to show a scar on his side. “I got this one when my best friend wrecked his car. I needed ten stitches and it still pulls if I bend or stretch too far.” He pulled up the left sleeve on his shirt, showing a patch of flesh that looked like someone had attacked him with a cheese grater. “This one I got when I went camping with my Dad. And this one …” he lifted the left pant leg to show his calf muscle – his well-defined calf muscle. “This one I got when I took a shitty hit when we played Ohio State. And of course, you know about this one.” He lifted his right pant leg, tugging and pulling until he revealed the biggest scar yet. “After the hit in the playoff game, I ended up needing two surgeries, and I’m still getting rehab for my knee. It will never be the same.”
“I don’t understand what you want me to say to, to all this.” I motioned to his body, to the locations of his injuries.
“I don’t want you to say anything,” he said. “Because even though all of this still hurts, when I’m with you, I feel whole again. None of it matters. The pain is gone. I feel like I can do anything – I can do anything with you.”
“Austin, you’re just saying this to –”
“No, I’m not.” Austin’s face lit up again. “I can prove it. Wait.” He held up his finger, smiling, his arm nervously shaking. “Just wait right there. Don’t move.” Shuffling his feet, he pulled his phone from his pocket and moved to the two-top table nearby. I watched as he stared at the screen, tapping, tapping, tapping. Finally, he placed his phone flat on the table top and turned back to me. Time of My Life flowed from the small speaker on his phone. The final dance song from Dirty Dancing. My favorite. I never told him about that.
“Dance with me,” he said, holding out his hand. I looked down. His arm outstretched, reaching for me. Hand open, fingers beckoning.
“Austin, I don’t –” The fear was overwhelming. Why am I so afraid?
“Please.” I could see how much he wanted this. How much it meant to him. Reluctantly I took his hand. I expected him to pull me in close, wrap his hands around my back and sway to the music as we had done before. Instead, he pulled me in, put my arm over my head, spinning me twice, and dipped me so my head nearly touched the floor. I felt my mouth hanging open. I must have had a look of shock on my face. “I told you,” he said, staring down at me. “With you, I can do anything.”
Lifting me to my feet, he took my hands in his, doing a basic Cha-cha step. Side, side,
front, back. Side, side, back, front. He kept his arms in perfect position. He kept the spacing perfect between us. He took the perfect lead. I tried not to smile, but the harder I attempted to hide it, the more it pushed through. Austin was a great dance partner.
“I’m impressed,” I said. “You told me you didn’t know how to dance.”
“I don’t,” he said, proudly grinning. “Or I didn’t. Until I met you, the only moves I ever had were for my touchdown dance. But I’ve been taking lessons. Now I see myself dancing with you for a long, long, time to come.”
Austin and I danced until the song was over, and we continued into the next. After spinning me into his body, my hands began to explore his body. I tucked my hands under his shirt, my fingers finding their way to his scar, gently gliding over the tightened skin. His muscles tightened, slightly retracting. He tucked his fingers into my hair at the base of my skull. Gripping the strands, he pulled my head back and pressed his lips to mine. As my body rubbed against his, I could feel his excitement and want growing.
I wanted him. I wanted his hands on me. I wanted to allow him to learn every inch of my body. But I was scared. What if we gave into our desires, our wants, our needs, and he realized it was only the chase that made me interesting.
“I’m scared,” I said. I whispered, unsure if I wanted him to hear my words.
“What are you scared of?” He asked. “Me?”
“No,” I gently kissed his lips. “I’m scared that once I give myself to you that you won’t want me anymore. That this will end.”
Austin kissed my forehead. “I’m always going to be here for you,” he said. “But I will wait as long as you want, as long as you need to. I want you – really bad. But I don’t want you to be scared. I want you to be sure. And I’m willing to wait.” He kissed me. Gently. Softly. Sweetly. “How about we go see a movie?” he said. “The new super hero one is at the Cineplex.”
Whispers of Winter: A Limited Edition Collection of Winter Romances Page 149
