I scream and bellow hateful things, and he lets me.
I’m met with more silence, and it’s infuriating.
How could he?
It’s dissolving my entire being, slowly eating me, piece by fucking piece. He takes it all, though. He holds me, shushing me. He’s mine! Not some cunt’s! Why would he do this? Am I not enough? What did I do to deserve this?
“How could you do this to our family? After what your dad, my dad, and Brant did to our moms? How could you fucking ruin me?!”
My heart breaks. I feel it splintering with each image I conjure of him with another. I’ve known he had to be having an affair. Why else would he distance himself, have condoms, lipstick stains, and late-night calls? The late work hours, the constant walking out of the room to take calls? I just refused to believe my husband, the man I gave everything to, would do that. Denial was a cunt, and stupidly, I fell for it.
The other woman wanted him to be faithful to her. It showed in his avoiding anything intimate with me, yet he couldn’t be loyal to me. He wasn’t just closed off to me sexually but mentally too.
Running to our master bathroom, I heave twice before vomiting everywhere. The dry suffocating and gasping for breaths continues as cries wrack my frame, making me shake vehemently.
“I’m sorry.”
His hollow tone makes me feel lesser than before. I can’t face him, witness how sincere he’s being, or even look and see who the stranger standing before me is because he sure as hell isn’t the man I married.
I don’t think it’s possible to feel any worse until he touches me, and the flashes of him with someone else penetrates my mind, image after image.
Him sticking his dick in another.
His body undulating with passion for someone else.
Him kissing her.
Telling her how much he loves her.
Giving her everything she needs.
Satisfaction.
Euphoria.
Love
Everything,
Shrugging him off, I cradle my knees, rocking back and forth. The tile floor being the only comfort I seek, the only coldness I latch onto. He tries coming closer again, but when I flinch, he pauses. Ever so softly, he touches my tear-soaked chin.
“I love you, Peaches,” he proclaims.
Fuck off with this love bullshit.
If he loved me, he wouldn’t have done this, right? But maybe I’m a hypocrite. I lusted after Toby. I didn’t act on it when I could have, but I lusted nonetheless. This must be my own version of karma. The opportunity to be unfaithful has been forthcoming for quite some time. Years to be exact. And I still stayed true. Why couldn’t he?
I can’t respond. My mind has officially shut down. He rubs my shoulders, but his touch is foreign and unwanted. It’s slimy and unloving. It’s barren and desolate. He’s unlike the man I love. He’s not mine.
After turning on the water, he comes back to my shaking form. He lifts me easily, undressing me the rest of the way and setting me in our Jacuzzi tub, the one he was adamant of having in our home because as a teen, that had been my dream—to own a huge bathtub.
“I love you, Lo. I love you so fucking much. It's over now... with her. I ended it.”
My gaze never finds his, and no response forms. What can I say? I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you? I’m sorry trials were sent our way and we both failed?
There’s nothing to say. I’m too numb. It’s worse than when my mom died. At least she didn’t choose to leave me. He did.
His words don’t connect with my heart. I’m completely detached from my emotions.
He ruined me. He's no longer only mine.
Jase was my first, but I obviously wasn’t his last.
How do you just give up on the love of your life?
How do I let go?
I bathe as fast as humanly possible then shower off the ick I can’t seem to scrub off. It’s the mindful kind, the kind that’ll scar me emotionally, reminding me that no promise is ever set in stone.
Like wedding vows.
He fucked both me and her, but the fact that he screwed her and thought he was still allowed to make love to me? Not a fucking chance. The anger has simmered enough. It’s there, and I know what I’ll do.
After toweling off, I wrap it as tightly as possible over my body. It shields me somehow, guarding me in some way because his power over my emotions is too strong to risk. I’ve loved him my entire life, and this towel is all that can protect me from that love.
Nothing can protect me anymore.
Jase shuffles over to me, raising his hands to show he’s not threatening. Isn’t it too late for that? He’s already stolen my safety, my heart, and trust. What more could he possibly take?
Don’t look into his eyes. Don’t give him that control.
Be strong. You’re worth more.
“I’m leaving,” I barely mutter.
That was easier than I imagined in my head. It takes everything in me to not fall into his arms and ask for him to make the last half hour go away. The one man who has always been my safe haven and security blanket is the same one who destroyed it.
“Don’t try and stop me,” I whisper hollowly.
If I’m any louder, I’ll wake the kids. That’s the last thing we need. I’m surprised they didn’t wake from my wailing.
“Don’t,” he bristles. His hand reaches for me, but I yank mine away. “Lo, please, baby.”
I finally look at him. He’s in so much pain. I know my husband, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this broken, but he’s not getting off this easy. If you ask me tomorrow, I may run home because he’s all I know, he’s all I’ve ever known, but right now, the sight of him disgusts me.
He’s a stranger. I don’t recognize him at all.
“Since you love the kids and me, you can take care of them while I leave. I can’t look at you, let alone be in the same bed. You did this, Jason. Not me.” I cry, no longer able to keep the tears at bay. The hot wet streaks of betrayal run down my face, splashing on my towel.
“I’ll leave,” he offers, the sadness in his tone angering me more. “The kids need you, Lo.”
“Why? So you can go fuck her again? No, I’ll go, and you can take care of our children for once. They may need me, but they’ve needed their father for the last year you stepped out on us. I’m done,” I say dejectedly. I’m only guessing on the timeline, but it feels accurate.
I won’t be weak any longer.
I’ll find myself in this space, the girl who stood up to Jason Collins in school when he was being an ass. I’ll free myself from this cage.
Because pain will no longer be my prison. It’ll be my strength.
Reaching into our shared closet, I grab my gym bag and pack it with everything I’ll need for my new job. I dress, wishing he would look in the other direction. Walking away from him, I head to my kids’ rooms and kiss them both on their heads before leaving.
Unlike most mothers, I don’t have a minivan. I’ve got a Toyota 4-runner. It’s the little things that remind me I’m still a person and not just a mom.
My heart aches, and by tomorrow, it’ll feel hollow. It’s already starting to. I’ve known this. Losing my mom taught me how to hide. Being void of emotions is my second skin, and I’ll be wearing it from now on. I’ll chameleon myself to save my heart. It won’t be the first time, but it’s necessary.
I thought I recovered and started healing from everything, but I was so wrong. It’s easier to go back to what you know then to deal with it head on.
This current rage will eventually leave me, and with it, it’ll ebb away the love. After that, the absolute agony will take over.
I wish I never loved this man. It would have saved me a broken heart. Maybe I shouldn’t have picked him. Just like in high school, I should have stood my ground. Walked away.
No. I could never wish that. He gave me the best things in the world—our kids.
I make it to Toby’s house in a short few mi
nutes without realizing I drove in this direction. He’s the default setting. Whenever life gets hard, I can always count on my best friend.
He’s judgement-free.
He loves me.
His arms are always welcoming.
It’s late, nearly two in the morning. That fight was longer than I thought.
Sitting in my car, I call Tobe. Maybe I should have gone to Ellie’s. Something about talking to her feels like she wouldn’t be supportive. She’s been weird lately, and it’s only pushing me toward Toby more.
“Babe, what’s wrong?” a groggy Toby answers. His voice is warm and caring. He’s my home away from home, and I hate even admitting it.
No longer able to hold it in, I burst into an agonized sob. “I-I’m outside,” I whimper between shudders.
chapter sixteen
Present
Jase
I did it.
Finally, I admitted to the biggest fuck-up of my life.
I told my wife I slept with another woman. Not in that many words but not denying it is close enough, right? It’s a cop-out to assuage my guilt. Saying it out loud makes it real.
Nothing in my life has ever been so extremely difficult to utter. Not that I said who that person is. That’s another story altogether. Another thing I didn’t mention? Nora was much more than an easy lay, a fling, or a simple fuck. I grew attached. Feelings were involved, and I’m pretty fucking torn up about it.
Lo reacted calmly, too at ease almost. It was like she expected it or just couldn’t deal. Or maybe like before, she decided shutting down is easier. I’ll lose her all over again, not that I even got her back. I gave her up before I got that chance.
I really fucked up this time.
When we got into discussions early on in our marriage, she swore she’d chop my dick off for cheating. She even went into detail how she’d do it. That shit was terrifying. I honestly think this broke her instead. She had no fire in her eyes. All that lived and reflected in them were devastation.
I did that.
My wife deserves better. I’ve quite literally turned into my father and stepfather. Not only as a cheater but I forced her to be a stay-at-home mom, something I swore I’d never do if I got married.
I’m worthless. I’m a wreck, and I’m the biggest piece of shit out there.
I deserve this. This pain, the knowledge that everything I’ve worked for is gone, and the unique connection only my wife offers—it’s gone, too.
Lo should have slapped me for even thinking I could make love to her and pretend I didn’t fuck Nora two days ago. Not that she knows this much information or who the other woman is. She doesn’t even know that I’d only broken it off that night too.
Two goddamn days ago, I was deep inside my lover.
And I didn’t even know that it would be the end; it just happened.
To be honest, I’d been enjoying myself. I wasn’t ready to let go. It was easy, and that’s what made it hard to walk away. Marriage is the opposite. It’s work and painful, and it sheds more blood, sweat, and tears than anything else.
“Please, Jason. Don’t wear one.” Nora’s begging tone squeezes my heart. She wasn’t supposed to affect that anatomy. This was only supposed to be fun. Her eyes bore into mine, her chest heaves with unsure breaths, and her hair lays fanned out around her. Beautiful.
This was meant to be an affair.
Quick. Easy. Painless. What a fucking joke.
One thing I promised myself when deciding to be a part of this was to always wear a condom. Something about not wearing one always felt so final, like the last nail in my marriage’s metaphorical coffin. Not that Lo’ll ever forgive me at this point, but I can’t do that to Loren, especially since she never said she didn’t want any more children. Yet, I’m still a prick who’s already fucking a woman who isn’t my wife.
I’ve already tainted all that can be tarnished, yet here I am, debating fucking Nora without a rubber, something I’ve only ever shared with Lo.
We’d just finished round one. We usually go two to three times before I head home to Lo. But never without a condom. Never. It’s always shocked me that my wife doesn’t smell the sex on me, feel the sheen of sweat, or find the bite marks Nora makes sure to leave behind. I’m a prick for being lazy about hiding any of it. But I do it anyway.
There was this one time she saw. She didn’t say a damn thing. It’s like she propelled me forward more, wanting to get something out of her, but I lost myself in the process.
“I-I can’t,” I whisper into her neck, struggling to keep myself from suffocating.
Emotions were never intended. Sex is sex, and that’s all we can be. That’s all I’ll ever offer. That’s all I can give.
I continue kissing her tender flesh where she likes it. In the last year, I’ve learned every curve and dip of her, all the places she likes touched, and all her erogenous zones.
My heart is partially Nora’s but mostly Lo’s. It shouldn’t be, but truth of the matter, it is. And it’s the biggest betrayal to the woman I married.
Giving Nora this last thing is too damaging. If I give in, I’ll be lost to my family forever. Lost to myself, too. I barely recognize the man in the mirror, and this would ruin me.
I’ll give up on one of the women I love, and it’ll end badly. It’s already going to, but this would only make it worse. It’ll never be Nora. It can’t be.
“Why? Because you still love her?” she asks on a whimper, pulling away from me. Her eyes form tears and I hate seeing her cry.
She already knows that answer. My heart has always beat for Lo. Nora’s only hurting herself by asking a question she doesn’t want the answer to.
Swiping away stray tears, I lick her pain, absorbing it as my own.
“I care about you, I do, but I love her, and there’s not a single part of me that can live without her.”
“I understand. I just wish I was enough for you.”
“I won’t leave her. I can’t,” I confirm what she already knows. There’s never been a promise to give her anything more than my body.
Brushing away a stray sweaty hair strand, I kiss her forehead with as much emotion as I’m able to offer. I’m not leaving my wife or kids, and it isn’t fair on Nora. None of this is fucking fair.
“I-I have to go,” she cries before getting off the bed of our hotel room.
She quickly dresses and leaves.
I don’t stop her.
I don’t even chase after her.
That’s when I decided to be a better husband. Let Nora fall in love with someone else, and let me be the father and husband I swore to be all those years ago.
I don’t deserve Nora’s love.
And I definitely don’t deserve my wife’s.
Loren loves endlessly when she allows herself to, and I can see it in her eyes. She loves me even when she knew I was cheating.
She stayed when she should have left.
She must’ve convinced herself otherwise because she always promised to leave and take our kids if I ever stepped out on her. She did leave but not with the kids. That baffles me more than her not maiming me for it.
As soon as I didn’t see that love in her eyes last night, I felt my heart stop. Not literally, but I momentarily forgot how to breathe. One realization hit. She deserves better, and I will be better. I have to.
A year ago, I served her papers. Not even then did the love leave her eyes. She signed them, and she told me to go. I couldn’t walk away no matter how much I wanted to. She never told me she’d come back to me, but I wanted to believe otherwise.
But it was too late for me at that point, Nora had already burrowed herself in my life. I might not have physically walked out the door, but emotionally, I was lost to her.
I shouldn’t have stayed.
But walking away isn’t an option for me.
“I can’t do this anymore, Loren.” I let out the heaviest sigh, gripping the papers in my hands one second and handing them to her in the next.
They felt so heavy in my palms, the final straw, the last goodbye. I can’t be what she needs, and she’s no longer what I need.
She’s draining me.
She’s emptied all of my happiness.
My cup is fucking bare.
Last week was the first time I’d taken off my wedding ring. It no longer sits on my finger. It took so much weight off my chest.
Nora had a lot to do with it. She says she hates seeing a band that brands me as someone else’s. That didn’t stop her from fucking me, though.
“You swore to me a life with you forever. What kind of husband abandons their wife when she’s mourning her mother?” she accuses.
Her intense reaction catches me off guard. She’s been emotionless for so long that seeing any spark of life in her eyes thrills me. I want to see more. I want to make her feel all the pain she holds inside her.
“It’s not just her! I’ve been fucking mourning you. It’s like you died and all that’s left is a body,” I fire back, needing more of this addicting change of attitude.
“Fuck you, Jason! Fuck you!” she yells before slamming the door to our master bathroom.
She signed them, though. She wrote her John Hancock and told me goodbye.
Why didn’t I file them?
I shouldn’t have made love to Lo. Not the other morning and not hours ago. She doesn’t even know all I’ve done. She doesn’t know the whole truth, and she would’ve never touched me if she did.
But when she brought up Toby and her, I lost it. I couldn’t not own her body like I’d always had. She’s mine. She just needed a reminder of who had her first, who has always had her all. Toby, my fucking brother, is always in our business. Always coming to the fucking rescue.
Rage, red and bright as the fucking sun, filled my veins like it always does when his name leaves her perfect lips. He’s the one person who has owned a piece of her heart since we were kids, and her getting a job with him isn’t even slightly okay. It pushes them together even more than usual. Gives them more time together—more time to fall in love.
Inhale, Exhale Page 15
