“Good morning to you, too, Peaches,” I respond. Inside, I’m wondering if I’m dreaming. She’s pregnant? We’re pregnant? We’re having a baby?
“That’s all you’re going to say?” she panics, her voice higher pitched than normal. Then, I hear her whimpering.
“Peaches, Peaches, Peaches,” I pacify. “Baby, it’s going to be okay. We’re okay.” I attempt to reassure her the best I can since I’m still half asleep and hours away. Her being pregnant changes nothing. “Inhale, exhale. Breathe.”
She sputters on the other end, trying to calm her breathing. One thing I’ve learned, she freaks out over the littlest things.
“I love you, Loren Anise Tanner. And someday soon, I’ll marry you, and we’ll raise this baby together.”
“I-I love y-you t-too,” she stutters. The pain in her voice has me sitting up.
“What’s wrong, baby?” I coax, wondering what has her so upset. I’m planning on moving over there soon. There’s no reason for her to worry, though she doesn’t know that I plan on moving this spring break.
“I d-don’t know what I’d d-do without you,” she cries. “Y-you’re all I h-have, J-Jase.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I promise. They’d have to pry my dead hands off her because death is the only thing that’d ever part us. “Ever.”
“Francis—” she starts but is interrupted by several knocks.
“Francis what?” I prod, as I’m opening the door.
“Francis is dead,” both Lo and Nora say at the same time.
My phone falls to the ground, and I’m frozen. It’s like a cloud has taken over my brain, the fogginess a substance to blind me. He’s dead? I just spoke to him five hours ago. We were just at that party.
Nora picks up my phone, explaining something to Lo. I’m too stuck to tell her I’ll talk to her. I’m too frozen to close my door.
I’m too frozen.
I can’t move.
I can’t think.
Francis, my friend, Nora’s husband, and father of her child... he’s gone.
“I’ll update you,” Nora says. “Yeah, all right, bye.”
It’s like I’m on drugs. I’m in a trance where everything is too much. Too much noise. Too many lights. I’m feeling sensory overload, and I can’t come up with words.
“I came here to tell you,” Nora states, her hands in her pockets.
How could my morning start with good news and go to shit in the next moment?
The agony over his death squeezes me like a snake does its prey. I’m confused. How can someone be fine only hours ago and now be dead?
“J-Jase...” Nora starts the waterworks.
I pull her into a hug, unsure of what else to do. I hold her, feeling like this is Frankie’s job. He should be here.
“H-how?” I question.
“He drove drunk...”
Did he? Fuck. It’s my fault. I should’ve helped him get home. “I should’ve—”
“Don’t do that to yourself,” she chastises. “He chose to get behind the wheel.”
She sounds angry when she should be broken up. Maybe she’s numb too?
I should be crying, but everyone dies, right?
chapter twenty-seven
Present
Lo
“Now this heart beats not just to keep you alive but because you want it to.”
As Toby’s hand rests on my frantically beating heart, he’s staring into my eyes like I’m the epitome of life, and he’s only now realizing it. It’s a daunting emotion. It’s burning the back of my eyes, and soon, the tears will come.
Did I not shut down because I realize I’m worth fighting for? Or is it simply that I can’t break my children any more than I already have?
I’m not strong like he claims. I’m not some warrior because I stay present, especially when inside I’m falling apart all over again. I’m just a woman who’s choosing to live for them since wanting to live for myself isn’t enough anymore.
My phone vibrates, bringing me back to reality.
“Mom,” Ace’s sad voice sounds out.
“Yes, baby,” I say gently, getting off Toby’s lap and sitting next to him while he rubs my shoulders. “What is it?”
I try to sound confident, but my soul is weeping. It’s fracturing all over again, and no matter how much magical-industrial-tape-made-of-love I use, it’s not going to last.
“When are you coming home?” He tries to cover his pain with a strong voice.
My little guy is growing up so quickly, he’s not so little anymore. I’ve missed years of it. I’ve been a horrible mother.
“Soon,” is all I can promise.
“I miss you, and Jazzy... she does too.” He tries to cover up his disappointment but fails. I can hear the strain in his words.
“Did something happen?” I prod, hoping I don’t push him to close me off.
“I need you to come home, Mom.” When the last plea comes out, I hear him choke back a cry and hang up in the next moment.
I’m on my feet in the next second. “I have to go.”
There’s no time to lick my wounds. There’s no time to be weak for a man or a person I once called a friend. Instead, I’ll pull out the bourbon and douse my skin, then theirs, if necessary. I’ll watch them burn, and I’ll make sure my kids survive. They’re all that matters right now.
Toby jumps up too. “I’ll come. Whatever you need,” he offers.
But I need to do this on my own, need to show I’m not weak or spineless. Jase fucked up. Ellie fucked up. Not me. I’m not innocent, but they won’t win. It’s not going to happen.
“No.” I stare at him, narrowing my eyes in a way to tell him to back off. “I need to be there for my kids, Tobe. They’re suffering right now.”
“What about you?” he inquires, the worry only making me angrier.
“I’m fine,” I bark. “They aren’t.”
“You’re not fine. You just found out your husband has been fucking your best friend,” he bites back, his tone haughty and spiteful.
“Yeah, and you reminding me doesn’t help. They need me,” I say slowly, making it sound like trying to refute it would be a mistake on his end.
“Okay,” he agrees, placing his hands on my shoulders. I’m beyond aggravated with him, wanting to push his hands away, but I allow him this. “I’m sorry, Sparkle. I’m just so fucking irritated with how this went down.”
“How else was it supposed to go down, Tobias?”
He gives me the really? expression, probably for using his full name. “I don’t know. Not like that though.”
“Well, regardless of how you expected it to go, it happened how it did, and now, my children are suffering. They’ve been through enough.”
“I won’t argue anymore. I’m here if you need me.”
“If it goes bad, you’ll be the first person I call.”
He nods as I walk out the door and then pause, remembering he drove me.
“I need a ride!” I shout, and his laugh tells me that no matter how angry we both are with each other, he’s always going to be my best friend. We drive the short distance to my house. I eye it warily, fear thrumming through me like booze does when I’ve had a lick too much.
Toby begrudgingly lets me out of his car after I stare too long. “Call me. No matter when, no matter where, or what situation... I’ve got you, Sparkle.”
“I know,” I confirm, closing the door behind me.
He stays parked, unmoving. I wave him off, rolling my eyes. He makes his fingers into legs and shows them walking. Oh, he wants to make sure I don’t get kidnapped. I do that for my kids when dropping them off to her.
Before making it to the door, I see my babies staring out the window of my son’s room. Their big and relieved eyes make me melt. I practically bolt for the door and race down the hall to Ace’s room.
“Mom!” they yell in unison.
Ace hugs my front—he’s already taller than me—and Jaz starts climbing me. She’
s in tears. Her little whimpers have me crying moments later.
“Thank you for coming home,” Ace says. The respite in his tone has me more worried. A mom just knows when their children are upset.
“Tell me what happened,” I urge, kissing his forehead. “Talk to me, baby boy.”
He hates when I call him that but not today. He just hugs me tighter.
“Don’t leave us, Mom,” he laments. His torment is debilitating.
“Never again. I swear.”
He pulls back, his blue eyes staring back at me with so much turmoil. No fifteen-year-old should bear this burden.
“Where’s your father?” I ask him, unsure if I want to know the answer.
“Moping like a little bitch,” he barks.
I’m so taken aback by his tone that the moment I identify him swearing, I can’t help but laugh. It’s not a pretty one either, and makes me ache from the force. I don’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.
“That’s a bad word,” Jazzy pipes in, her mouth wide.
I’m in tears over the fact that he just called his father a bitch and have no want or desire to reprimand him for it.
The boyish grin on his perfectly dimpled cheeks is worth it. He seems lighter by saying it, and being home with them feels right. It’s where I’m meant to be.
“Nice to see you’re home,” Jason grumbles from outside Ace’s door, making me glare harder than ever before at him.
“Why don’t we take you two to Grandma Millie’s? Your dad and I have a lot to discuss,” I implore, asking Ace for his go-ahead. I came home to be the mom he needs. Now, I’m shoving him out the door. I’d rather not have them see this side of me, the one I haven’t been since Ellie ruined my pregnancy announcement. That had been the first time Jase picked her over me.
Motherfucker.
“I think that’s a good idea,” Jason replies.
I’m about ready to strangle him. This is not his choice, let alone his idea.
“No one asked you,” Ace growls, turning to him, his fists balled at his sides.
Okay, what happened while I was gone?
“Better watch your tone,” Jase threatens.
That’s it! There’s too much hostility and testosterone. I whip out my phone, dialing Millie in the next moment.
As soon as it starts ringing, there’s several knocks at my front door. Jase eyes me, a look of betrayal on his face. Does it really look like I invited someone?
“Coming!” I yell, heading to the foyer.
Everyone trails after me, either waiting for a confrontation or avoiding one if it’s Ellie behind that door.
I forget my phone’s dialing and hear a “hello,” right as the front door reveals someone I never expected.
“Hey, sis.”
“Fuck,” I let out. I’m so not ready for any more bombs at this point.
Jase
“Excuse me?” I hear my mother say on the other end of the phone as Lo’s mouth hangs open at our intruder.
“I-I’ll call you back, Millie. Sorry.”
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Nate? Really?
The one person who practically abandoned her when her mom was dying?
Give me a break.
He’s here now out of the blue. Does he need money? A get out of jail free card? What gives? We decided together after Ace was born that we wouldn’t keep bailing him out of his meth-induced issues. Yet, here he is. What the fuck does he want?
When Lo and I first started dating, her parents had just separated again. Lo never knew, but her dad had an affair a long time ago. That affair led to a brother, and she had been none the wiser. It wasn’t until a woman kept calling Jeffrey and extorting him for money that it was brought up. Even Nate didn’t know he wasn’t Anise’s child.
Until she was in tenth grade, she believed her parents’ marriage was perfect. Even I did. The day Nate’s birth mom decided to bombshell her way back into their lives changed everything. After all that drama ensued, Nate moved in with Margaret, his birth mother. Lo never forgave him, and he didn’t even keep in touch.
The entire situation was odd. It made zero sense. How he could abandon the family that raised him for an addict that turned him into one.
When Anise passed, Nate left Lo to grieve alone. He was no better than I had been, but Anise raised him. She had been a part of his life since the beginning. He should’ve respected her enough to be there for his sister.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Lo spews venomously.
I’ve been on the other end of that tone. It’s not a good place to be.
“What? A brother can’t come see his sister and her kids?”
“No, you can’t,” I intervene, knowing she’s going to hate me putting myself in the middle.
“See, Jason,” he hisses like my name is a sin. “No one wants you here. Not after what you’ve done.”
Lo glances at me and I her. It’s not like we’re in the smallest town where everyone knows everyone’s business.
And she only found out last night.
She wouldn’t.
“Loren, big sis,” he sings, pulling her into an awkward hug while she’s stiff, and I’m cemented in place and confused. “I’ve heard you need some love.”
“And you thought nearly five years later was the time to come back?” she remarks, her arms struggling to pull from his grasp.
“A little birdie told me Jay over there stuck his hose in someone else’s garden.”
“And who’s this little bird?” she seethes, baring her teeth, more than likely biting her tongue.
“Oh, you know. Starts with Ellie, ends with Nora...”
“Get out!” I wheeze, barely finding my voice.
No one needs this information, least of all the kids, though I’m sure Ace knows, and that means I’m not going to survive my mistakes.
“Oh, simmer down,” he placates, peering around Lo to see our children.
Faster than ever before, I sidestep my kids and hide them behind me. I’m not entirely sure why he’s come back and what he wants, but I’m not ready for the fallout.
Lo sidles next to me, protecting our kids, too. She’s definitely not happy to see him either.
“You both need to calm down. You’re acting like I’m going to hurt you.”
“Well, how are we supposed to know? Last time we helped you, you were high and stealing from Mom and Dad,” Lo gripes, “for Chrissakes, Nathan, how do I know you’re not back at it?”
“Really, Loren? I have no fresh track marks,” he argues, lifting both his sleeves. His arms are free of new holes and bruises. “I’m here for a valid reason.”
“Well,” she gestures for him to go on. “I’m listening, Nate.”
I turn to Ace, “take your sister in the other room.” He stares at me, his eyes scrutinizing me, but carries her confused self back to his bedroom.
“Talk,” I demand.
“Not to you,” he says to me immediately.
“I’m not leaving you alone with her.”
“You’re one to talk, Jason. You’re the one who betrayed her.” He flips me the bird. “You leave, or I will.”
“Jase, just leave,” Lo concedes, shooing me away.
This can’t go well. Not for me, for us, or for her.
She’s unstable as it is. He’s a torrential downpour, bound to drown her and us all if he’s too unpredictable.
chapter twenty-eight
Lo
“Spit it out, Nathan. I really don’t have the patience to ask again.”
My words come out like a slap, but where he’s concerned, it’s not surprising. I’m not interested in beating around the bush, and him mentioning her name only makes me more standoffish. I’ve never hated a human being this much. Not even the person who killed Francis has this much abhorrence from me. I’m generally a lover, not a fighter. This entire conversation will count like a grain of salt in the long run, though. Nothing comes out of his mouth without strings attached.<
br />
I’m still not over him leaving.
I’m not over the fact that he’s selfish.
Sure as hell not okay with his communication with Ellie.
And why does he think I care to hear what he has to say?
He peers around me, like he’s making sure no one is listening. Is he really clean? He’s acting paranoid as hell.
He grabs my arm, but when I flinch, he stops. “Come with me?” His voice is light and shy, like when we were kids and he was my protector, before shit hit the fan, and we were lost to each other.
I nod, and he heads out back to where the couch swing is.
He looks around again, like he doesn’t trust the area we’re at. It’s making me nervous, gnawing at a part of me that doesn’t feel safe around people who have used me in the past.
“Okay, I lied Lolo,” he mutters, the pet name he used as a kid shedding a layer of my detached armor like grated cheese.
He lied about what? There are too many possibilities, far too many in this case.
“Indulge me,” I respond.
“Ellie and I haven’t spoken since Francis’ funeral.” His words tumble out like acid, corrosive in nature, damning in context.
A shiver rakes over my body. Francis. I miss my old friend, though he had been closer to Jason than me. He didn’t have to die. His casket was closed. I remember his parents telling me he was unrecognizable after the crash.
The crash that took him away. That took Gray’s chances at having a father.
Wetness pools in my eyes, thinking of Gray and how her mom has ruined so much in our lives, and she has to suffer for it.
“Who then?” I push, trying to override the miserable thoughts over something I can’t change.
Let the numbness block out more pain. My mind is near its point of no return. I know if one more thing happens, I won’t be able to stop from losing myself. I’ll be paralyzed, stuck in a limbo of nothingness, a lost soul once again.
“The who, doesn’t matter, Lolo. It’s the why you need to worry about.”
“You’re talking in circles, Nathan. The more you speak, the more I get antsy. Pull off the Band-Aid, please.”
I’m breaking, I’m withering, I’m nearly gone. Can’t he see?
Inhale, Exhale Page 23
