My breaths patter out of me, uneven and nervous. His hand is warm on my skin, almost scorching me with the touch. He’s being direct yet not frazzling me with words to further confuse me. My heart thumps. The beat must be felt on his skin. It feels too strong beneath my bones, too fast, too much.
His lips pull away from mine, but my eyes stay closed. They’re unwilling to see what has changed. What I’ve done to this man. What I’ve ruined without realizing it.
I inhale, my nose smelling the faint scent of coffee and Toby’s deodorant. It’s a welcoming breath of sweetness.
It’s wrong, though. It’s not the mint and musky scent of the man I married and love. It brings me comfort but not the same kind.
There are two kinds of comfort. The one that brings you hope, happiness, and warmth. Then there’s the all-consuming one. The one that takes away your oxygen while giving you a new source, steals your heartbeat but sends you a new flutter that it has never felt before, breaks you piece by piece just to put you back together strong. Toby isn’t the latter.
His hand stays on my chest, warming me from the inside out, healing me in some way, fixing something I never knew could be fixed by another. It gives a certain kind of euphoria, a break from the mold of sadness, a distraction from all the wrongs.
“Loren,” he tries again, attempting to coax my gaze to his.
If I give in, if I open my eyes, we can’t return. We can no longer be best friends. We can no longer be. Whatever leaves this room will ruin us both—our family and his brother.
Tears burn behind my eyelids, forcing me to squeeze them tighter, begging me for a little bit of strength to avoid the madness that is us—the us that will lead to our undoing.
It’s inevitable, him and I.
It’s as if it was here since the beginning. A foreboding almost. As teens, when he flirted shamelessly, I let him. When we were in college and I was hurt, I sought him out for the sake of my own heart. My safe haven, my best friend, my Tobe. This moment was bound to happen. It was bound to rip us apart, and it was bound to end whatever sanctity we found in one another.
And here we are.
The end.
The very last time.
Whether this beautiful man I’ve loved most of my life knows it or not, it’s done.
My body shudders with awareness as my heart claws its way out of my chest. The tears spill freely, landing like bullets on my chest, furthering the pain, making me more aware of this choice. Because that’s what this is. The choice to pick my children and myself, to move forward and be free. It’s the finality of allowing him to find love and be loved the way I can’t offer. No matter how much and how deep I feel for this man, he deserves more. He must know it, too. Tobe can’t always play second string, and I can’t allow him to do it willingly anymore.
When the decision is finalized, when my heart is completely detached from me, my eyes open. They are welcomed to a glossy-gazed Tobe, one I haven’t seen since my mom died, one who hasn’t greeted me since he saw me the first time after my suicide attempt.
It kills me.
He, like Jase, hides his emotions well. They don’t bubble up or explode. They just don’t come forward unless he’s alone.
His hazels shine with tears, making mine burn hotter. I hate this—what I’ve done, what we’ve done. It’s all there in his expression. He knows I’m walking away. It’s as apparent in his tears as it is in the tenseness of his shoulders. He’s rigid with each breath, but his gaze isn’t any less penetrating.
“I love you,” he admits.
The words are as harsh as they are beautiful, as heartbreaking as they are kind, as loving as they are hateful. He’s admitting it. It’s been twenty years, and this boy, the one who tried to steal my heart, finally gives into the fact that he gave his to me a long time ago.
“I’ve always loved you, Lo, from the very first day we met and you bumped into me. The sparkle of hate in your eyes, the anger and annoyance in your posture all class... It’s always been you.” He takes a tentative step back. “Even when you and Jase got together, I knew it was too late for me. By then, my heart only existed to make you happy. But it’s him. I know it’s him. When you’d just met, I could see it. We were first friends and I dragged you to that drive-in, he saw you with me. Before you even knew him, he already had his eyes set on you.”
I close my eyes again. The feeling of hopelessness overwhelms my senses. It hurts hearing his declaration, knowing that for the past two decades I’ve broken this man.
When I brave looking at him again, it’s only momentarily before his mouth meets mine. It’s cruel and mean and punishing. He grips my chin, holding it reverently while attacking my lips with a hateful kind of love. I sink into him, allowing him to have this—the control, the power, the intimacy he can’t have with me after today.
He takes the palm that rested on my heart and cups my jaw. I moan as he bites my lip. There’s no denying my attraction and affection for him. There’s no denying my steady heartbeat when he hugs me or my rampant one when his lips touch me.
But this is all we’ll have.
This moment.
Today.
History.
Nothing more can ever come of it.
Tobe leads me to his bed, the backs of my knees bending when they hit the mattress. The soft fabric of the comforter abrades at my skin, my flesh so sensitive that something this soft brings a sting.
He widens my legs, his mouth not leaving mine while he settles between my thighs. His hands grip my bare thighs, squeezing, punishing, digging into my flesh with meaning.
There’s no words spoken. There isn’t a need. Everything we can possibly say is conveyed in the way that our skin touches. It’s in the way our mouths connect, the bites we take, and groans we make.
We kiss and kiss and kiss until the clothing I have becomes claustrophobic. We groan and grind until skin to skin is all we can accept. We breathe heavier and heavier until our bodies are entirely connected.
His hands dip down to my panties, rubbing slow circles over my clit. My back arches, bowing into him. The shame from yesterday is gone. The ring is gone. My marriage is also gone.
The breath that’s stolen from me when he dips a finger into me makes me cry out. His lips take a nipple into his mouth, nibbling on the flesh while he enters me savagely. When I snake down his body and unbuckle his pants, he groans.
“Did you finish earlier?” I question breathlessly.
He shakes his head quickly, sharply, like he needs me to know.
“Then let me take care of that.”
My hand wraps around his length, hot and heavy in my palm, and I stroke. Now he’s the one arching and panting.
“Fuck,” he breathes, his eyes hardened with lust.
The bite of his thumb on my clit has me squeezing his length in return. He growls, forcing my hand away as moves me on my back. The bite of his teeth as he takes my center with his mouth has me crying out. I squirm restlessly as his tongue flicks cruelly against me. He bites down, making me writhe all while his fingers curl inside me.
My body feels free. It feels warmth. It feels an escape it’s needed.
He continues his despotic torture with his tongue and I’m a mess. In moments, I’m coming, and it’s his name that leaves my lips. Not Jase’s. Not simple moans. Just Toby.
Tobe kisses up my body, nibbling on my knees before biting at my thighs. Then, he’s moving us to the center of his bed.
His cock is leveled with my opening, waiting to take the plunge, wanting nothing more than to have me. “Is this okay?” he asks, his eyes heavy with lust and anticipation but still the caring man I’ve always known, the one who will always take my feelings into consideration before anything else.
“Yes,” I whisper, barely getting out the word. I’m no longer a part of my conscious. I’ve allowed the carnal need to devour me and take the last piece of my sanity that tells me this is a mistake.
He starts unbuttoning his shirt, but I tear
at it with impatience, making the buttons fly off and hit his linoleum floor. His smirk lights up his whole face, and it takes everything in me not to giggle. At the end of the day, I’m still unsure what the fuck I’ve brought myself to do, what I’ve chosen to do despite my knowledge of the repercussions.
Toby hovers over me, hesitates outside of my entrance, and watches me intently as he thrusts in. My gaze connects with his and I let out a long sigh. My body welcomes him in a way I didn’t think it would. It molds to him, allowing for him to seek comfort in me like I’ve done to him for as long as I can recall.
“I love you, Sparkle, so fucking much,” he rasps, his eyes moist at the edges.
My heart constricts while he continues his methodic fucking. His hips buck, rubbing me perfectly. Tears come from me soon after, enjoying the end of the chapter that is us.
He sinks deeper, his hips hitting mine, more frantic in their pursuit. Rolling us over so I’m on top, he grips me tightly, assisting my rotating movements. I nearly scream when his thumb connects with my clit again. He works me over, rubbing, pressing, and pinching with fierce determination.
When I come the second time, he lifts me, taking me to the kitchen, carrying my body while he’s still nestled inside of me. He lays me atop the cold counter, the one we’ve prepared food and cooked on during various occasions.
“Always wanted to fuck you here,” he admits before he’s pounding into me.
My ass slides across the marble as he thrusts into me unapologetically. His cock drives into me with our every moan and groan. After taking his fingers into his mouth, the ones that have rubbed me and entered me, he slides them down my stomach, leaving a wet trail before hitting my clit again.
I bow, the flesh sensitive from his brutality, but I also buck into the touch, feeling him get frantic inside me with each swipe of his fingers.
“Fuck, Sparkle. I’m going to come.”
Moments later, he does, me following after him. He calls out my name, groaning with a strong and aggressive release that has me exhausted. His seed releases inside me, filling me with disappointment in the choices I’ve made.
Between Jase taking me over and over last night to giving myself over to Toby right now, I immediately feel disgusted and defeated.
Toby must see it. He carries me wedding-style into his huge shower. He sets me down and washes me with the highest level of care. When he puts shampoo on my hair and begins caressing me, I bawl. When he lathers me with soap, making sure I’m clean, I nearly fall to my knees. When he rinses my skin of sins, the reality of everything hits me and makes me shake. He helps me out of the shower, drying me off. We haven’t said a word, and he isn’t prodding.
After laying me on the bed, he brushes the hair out of my eyes and rubs gentle circles on my scalp. The care he gives while tending to the anxiety I’ve had for years is too kind. Right now, while my husband is a mess, I shouldn’t be getting the nice treatment. I shouldn’t be fucking my brother-in-law because I needed to say goodbye, and I sure as hell shouldn’t lean into his body for comfort when I don’t plan on staying here.
“I’ll always love you, Tobe,” I admit, tears racing down my face again.
You’d think I couldn’t shed another one, that I couldn’t possibly cry any more, but you’d be wrong. That’s the only thing my body allows. All the feelings piled up from hiding with my emotions after their deaths just comes spilling out. Tears wrench out from me, exorcising themselves with a new cut per droplet.
Tobe just holds me as I fall apart. He doesn’t ask for a thing, he doesn’t push for more. He only holds me together until I can find my own strength.
chapter thirty-nine
Lo
He holds me for hours as I let all my sorrow out. My misgivings seep out of me like blood. The transfusion of love to hatred soaks up my pores, drowning me beyond relief. My heart forgets what it’s meant to do, and I grip my chest as if it’s a tangible pain and not an inner struggle of my own creation.
“This can’t ever happen again, Tobe.”
As the words escape my mouth in a whimper, I realize they’re true. This can’t and won’t ever happen again. This wasn’t meant to happen, but it gave us both closure.
“I know,” he whispers, his voice strained, full with emotion, “even if I want to say anything but that.”
“W-We can’t be together.” I sob, not over my decision, but over the truth that this was wrong.
“I know.”
I hear the crack in his voice and roll over to see him crying. The pain in his eyes is present, making me bleed more because of my choices. How did Jason do this? How did he cheat on me and accept it? How did he fall in love and not feel guilty all while fucking my best friend?
How?
Why does Toby feel this insurmountable pain like me, but Jase didn’t seem remorseful until he was caught?
He fell in love. He fucked my best friend. He got her pregnant. Yet, none of that occurred here, and I feel worse.
I’m worse than him.
Somehow, I just am.
I kiss Toby’s nose, his cheeks, his forehead, and then his lips. I try to convey in each of those touches that I’m sorry. That this was me and he doesn’t have to cart the blame. That this wasn’t his fault but mine. He doesn’t need to take responsibility. He can give it all to me. In this moment, all I can do is give him the care that might soften the blow of me leaving.
“I’m sorry,” I say, but he stops me with a kiss, hushing me.
“Don’t,” he groans as if in pain. “Don’t take away the meaning of what we shared from me. It was everything, Lo, and if it wasn’t for you, for your wants, I’d keep pushing. I’d make love to you all day and night. I’d take care of you the way he never did or ever could. Please don’t take that away from me. This wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice, a mutual one. It felt amazing and perfect.”
I nod shakily, crying at his desperation. I’ve hurt him beyond repair. I’ve stolen a part of him that was never meant to be mine. The worst part of it all is he wanted me to have it—still wants me to have it.
What have I done?
“I won’t.”
“Then let me hold you, and when you’re ready to go, I won’t stop you.”
He says the last bit like it kills him to do so, like he doesn’t mean a single word but respects me too much to fight it. The stark differences between him and Jase astound me. There’s no comparison in what they decided, but what I feel with each of their decisions has me reeling.
Jason wanted me to stay but let me go after begging me not to.
Toby wants me to stay but is letting me go because he has no claim to me and he knows it.
They are both strong enough to give me my space for happiness, and I’ve got to honor that.
I kiss Tobe one more time, long and hard and cherishing, memorizing his lips, touch, and body before it’s no longer something I can have.
It only takes an hour before Tobe is snoring behind me. I haven’t spoken to my kids in over a day, and all I can imagine is the abandonment they feel. Searching for my phone, I find it and text Ace.
Hey, baby boy. How is Gran’s house?
His text comes in moments later. It’d be better if you weren’t gone. Where are you? Why haven’t you come back?
My heart bleeds at his questions. He’s not happy. He’s not okay, and it’s all my fault.
I’ll be there in an hour. I just had to fix some things. I love you.
Love you too, Mom.
Just like that, my eyes begin to burn. I grab my stuff—the extra clothes I’ve left in Tobe’s guest room, and the bag I brought when I thought it was smart to stay here—and load my car.
When I come back in, he’s still fast asleep. After leaving a lingering kiss on his forehead, I make sure to write a note and say goodbye to the only other man I’ve allowed into my heart and body, giving him his own closure.
As soon as I lock up, leaving his house behind, I straighten my spine, allowing myself the dr
ive to pull myself together. I’ve been a mess for too long. I’ve abandoned my kids for too long. I’ve allowed this to go on for too long.
Now is the time to fix it. Now is the time to move on. Now is the time to forgive and let go.
For me, for my mom, for Lilac.
For my kids, Jase, and Toby.
For my future, my happiness, and my recovery.
THE VAST HOUSE THAT my mother-in-law owns, nestled deep into the farming space and away from everyone at the edge of Hollow Ridge, welcomes me. It almost trickles away all the uncertainty.
Leaving Toby asleep wasn’t my best moment, but Ace’s texts drove me to it. It also convinced me to quit the job at Su Casa, so there aren’t any uncomfortable situations. It’s a clean break. For the both of us. It was all explained in the note. My resignation, telling him I couldn’t, in good faith, work with or for him. It’ll be a lower blow than leaving while he slept. That we can’t continue forward and he deserves to find his happy ending. Most importantly though, I told him that he would find it. She was waiting for him, he only had to go searching.
I pull up in the long driveway and notice only Millie’s car is here. Instead of searching the house for them, I sneak in, like a robber, and head to the guest room she reserves for Jase and me.
I’m immediately struck with memorabilia of our wedding, our maternity photos, the ultrasounds of all three kids, and our pictures from random moments. Closing my eyes, I imagine I didn’t fuck this up worse and accept that this marriage is over.
Telling Millie is going to kill me. I would leave it up to Jase, but they already don’t get along as it is, and I’ll unburden him by saying it to her first.
I check my face in the bathroom mirror. There’s no makeup, just tired and baggy eyes, and puffiness from the crying. I look like shit, and everyone will be able to see, but for once, I’m done hiding. I’m done holding in my pain, shutting down, locking the feelings away, and hurting everyone around me.
Today, I’ll turn a new leaf.
We’ll start over.
Inhale, Exhale Page 34
