by Bailey B
I can’t breathe.
My pulse ravages every inch of my body while my ribs compress my lungs and the world spins into a blur of colors. I take a ragged breath that spans a lifetime as what Corah said sinks in.
Liam is having a baby.
A goddamn baby.
The weak foundation supporting my plan to win Liam back crumbles. My reason to spend time with Asher, to let him hold and cuddle up against me, is officially moot. As many faults as Liam has, he will do the right thing. He will stay with Corah, probably even marry her before the baby is born, and I will officially be nothing.
“Lainey?” Maggie’s voice distorts in my ears. I turn my head to where she sits beside me, my vision tunneling. Her brows knit together, a wrinkle of concern appearing between them. “Sweetie, you don’t look so good.”
I don’t feel good. Liam is having a baby!
“I…” I stand, my body on autopilot, and turn on my heels. I run across the sand, up the steps of the boardwalk, and keep going. I can’t feel the burn of the hot Florida asphalt under my bare feet or the sting of tears as they stream down my cheeks. I don’t look at the oncoming cars as I dart across the road or wave apologetically when they honk their horns at me.
I.
Just.
Run.
Until a hand forcefully grabs onto my forearm and jerks me backward. The tunnel my vision narrowed into widens as my feet stop moving. My chest feels like it’s on fire, not able to get enough air and fighting what little I give it.
“Holy shit, you’re fast!” Asher pants. He holds onto me with one hand, like he’s afraid I’ll take off again, and sets the other on his hip. He bends over to catch his breath and asks, “What the fuck happened?”
“Liam is having a baby,” I say in one breath.
My heart breaks all over again for him. For me. Hell, for that baby that’s going to grow up in the middle of a loveless marriage. As much as Liam thinks he loves Corah, he doesn’t. He’s infatuated and, if he’s not careful, he’ll follow in his father's footsteps. I run my hand through my hair and push my wayward strands back. This can’t be happening. How could he be so reckless?
Oh. My. God.
We never used condoms and he clearly didn’t use one with Corah, considering she’s pregnant. The fear I had two weeks ago about Liam giving me a disease hits me twofold. Thank God I have an appointment on Tuesday to get tested. If Liam gave me anything because of his carelessness, I’ll kill him.
“Good for him.” Asher lets my arm go and sits on a nearby parking block. At some point during the volleyball game, he took off his shirt and left it behind when he came chasing after me.
Images of last night’s dream flicker in my mind. It felt so real, straddling Asher’s lap and kissing him until I made myself come. My heart sinks further into my stomach. Liam is starting a family and I’m having wet dreams about a guy who is using me for one thing or another.
I walk over and slump down on the stoop beside him and glance at the leaves of the oak towering above us. I don’t want to have this conversation, but I can't deny the truth of my situation, it has to happen. “You don’t understand. Liam will never come back to me now.”
“Oh,” Asher mumbles, realizing where this is going. He stretches his legs out, crossing them at the ankles. Sand dusts his bare feet and calves. I don’t think I’ve seen Asher in shorts since that sixth-grade pool party. He has nice legs. Thick and muscular. “So, that’s it then?”
“What? No!” The thought of being alone right now is crippling. Asher and I may have been fake dating for only two weeks, according to our classmates, but I can’t imagine walking through the halls on Monday without him by my side. Everyone will accuse him of being with me to make Liam jealous, which is true, but having people say it out loud makes me sound that much more pathetic. Thank God no one knows this is fake. “Not unless you want it to be.”
Asher presses his lips into a tight line. Fear that he thinks I want to keep our charade going because I have feelings for him sends a shiver through me. Last night unearthed a bunch of emotions I'm not ready to deal with yet. I haven't had the time to figure out if I like him or if the beer I drank last night does. If, and that's a big if, I'm starting to like my fake boyfriend, the last thing I want is for him to find out.
“I just… I enjoy spending time with you. Things between us are easy, kind of like they were when we were kids. And…um… I was hoping you’d want to keep fake dating me because being dumped as soon as Liam and Corah announce their love child will suck. Not because I’m jealous of them. I don’t want to be in her shoes, but I think people will assume you don’t want me anymore because Liam won’t come back to me. Am I rambling? I’m rambling.”
I cover my face with my hands, humiliated that I am losing all control, and take a deep breath. I can’t lose Asher, not yet. Not when he’s become the crutch I didn’t know I needed. Please don’t leave me. After a moment to collect myself, I look at him again “I’m sorry. I guess you make me nervous.”
The corner of Asher’s lip lifts. It's the first smile I've seen today that doesn't look forced. “I do?”
“Okay, not you.” I roll my eyes because I'm laying too many cards on the table. “But this conversation. I feel pathetic begging you to keep up this fake boyfriend charade, yet am terrified you will say no.”
“Ellie.” Asher takes my hand and pulls me into a hug.
I wrap my arms around his waist and allow myself to melt into his embrace. I close my eyes, letting the world fall away, and just enjoy what might be our last hug. I doubt Asher will keep touching me like this once things go back to normal, and I'm surprised at how sad that makes me. I really like being Asher’s friend. I don't want to lose this.
“I promise I won’t fake break up with you until you’re ready to call it quits.” Asher presses his lips to my temple then pulls back and forces me to look up at him. “And so you don’t start thinking this thing we have is one-sided, I like spending time with you too. At this point, you’re the only person I’d call my friend.”
“You have friends, Asher. Quit playing.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “I have acquaintances, people I’m forced to be around, and Liam. None of them I’d consider a friend. You, Ellie, are the only person I’ve ever brought to my house. The only girl to ever sleep beside me at night, in any bed. And my only friend.”
Asher leans against an oak tree at the front entrance of Ridgewater High, arms crossed across his chest. Khaki, school-issued slacks hang low on his hips, even with a belt, and the navy blue button-down falls near his waist, untucked. He’s got his usual ‘just had sex’ air to him, and I can’t look away.
I sit in my car for a few extra seconds to watch him scan the faces of our classmates as they enter the building. I realized this weekend that there’s more to Asher than I originally thought.
Sure, he’s handsome. I particularly like the strong curves of his jawline and how the tip of his nose has a small droop, but I understand, now, why he looks on edge all the time, ready to fight. He has to live with a monster of a step-father while watching his half-brother live a life that should be his. A life of warm meals, lavish birthdays, and carefree existence. I would be pissed off and keep everyone at arm’s length too.
But there’s another side to Asher people don’t ever see. A sweetness that I thought was lost as he transitioned from boy to man. Deep beneath that hard exterior is the kid I used to have staring contests with. I loved falling into Asher’s eyes, looking for new colors in his bottomless irises. The same kid turned man, who drops what he’s doing to chase after me when I’m upset. A man who would pull a gun on someone to keep me safe. A gun that is still in my glovebox.
I glance at the latch on my dash wondering, When is Asher going to get rid of it? He needs that with him, at home, more than I need it in my car. Also, Dad would kill me if I was unintentionally harboring a murder weapon. Knowing Asher, that’s probably not the case, but it would be my luck.
Asher. I turn my gaze back to the courtyard and watch him a minute more. When we started this fake dating craziness, I said there would never be anything between us. I think I’m a liar and I can’t blame the alcohol anymore.
I think I’ve caught feelings for my fake boyfriend, and it sucks.
I jump at the sound of my phone pinging beside me. I lift it from my backpack in the passenger seat and smile. I haven’t seen Asher since we left the beach on Saturday afternoon. He had to work at the diner the rest of the weekend, probably to pay his shitty stepdad’s rent. Unable to sleep Saturday night and with nothing to do on Sunday, I found myself comparing Asher to Liam more times than I should have. It’s unnerving how I find myself attracted to both of them, even though they are so different.
Asher: I’m outside. Where are you?
Me: Just parked. Be there in a sec.
Asher turns his gaze to the student lot and scans the cars until he finds mine. He smiles when he notices my silver sedan and tucks his phone in his back pocket.
I grab my backpack and check the front pocket for my student ID, lunch money, and tampons. Thinking about Corah being pregnant reminded me that my period is due soon and the last thing I want is to be called shark bait again. By the time I’m situated and ready to go, Asher is at my door.
I press the unlock button and he opens it for me. He reaches across me, pressing a kiss to my cheek, and grabs my backpack. “I’ll carry that.”
“Who are you, and what have you done with Asher Anderson?” I tease.
“Well.” He links his fingers with mine and closes the door behind me. I press the lock button on my key fob and zip them into a different pouch. Heaven forbid one of my girly products falls out in front of him. He waits until I’m ready then says, “I don’t have the best track record of keeping girls around.”
“Ugh. I don’t need a reminder of why I thought you were gross.” I know Asher has been with a lot of girls. I also know that he wasn’t often caught around the same girl for more than one weekend. I groan and wrinkle my nose. Thinking about how many people he’s probably been with makes me sick.
“Nice to know you thought so highly of me.” He chuckles then bumps his hip with mine. “I’m just saying, in case anyone had any doubts that we are still together after our public display of affection on Friday, I thought I could walk you inside.”
“A true gentleman,” I tease, batting my lashes at him. “Where have you been all my life?”
“Sitting on the sidelines, waiting for you to notice me.” Asher’s smile falls and he looks me dead in the eyes.
My heart pounds in my chest. He’s joking. He has to be joking. If Asher liked me, I would know. But he didn't. He poked fun at me and stopped rumors, and came to my rescue and... oh, my God.
Just as my internal freak out hits supernova level, Asher winks and says, “Just kidding.”
I punch him in the shoulder and he laughs.
The morning goes by without a hitch. A few people whisper, but for the most part, everyone seems to have accepted that Asher and I are the real deal. It’s strange because people that used to turn their noses at me for being Liam's number one groupie have looked me in the eye and smiled.
Asher is already in the cafeteria when the lunch bell rings, sitting at the table that has become ours when I arrive. Maggie and Russell are next to him, adopting this table too so we can be together, as have a few other random people. I stand in the food line, watching everyone mingle, and smile.
“We need to talk.” Liam grabs my arm, like I’m some kid in trouble, and tilts his head towards the hallway.
“Can it wait? I’m hungry.” It’s almost my turn in line and my stomach rumbles. All I want is a salad and the cafeteria workers are almost out. If we go now, there’s no telling how long we’ll talk. They may be sold out by the time we get back, or worse, I might miss the whole lunch period.
“Asher already bought you lunch.”
I look over at my table again and notice that Liam is right. Asher has a coke and an untouched salad beside him. I smile and wonder how he knew, but I'm not surprised. Asher just knows things, like my favorite chips and Maggie's choice of ice cream. I turn my attention back to Liam and his hand on me. He's never been like this, physically possessive. I don't like it. “Fine, but let me go.”
Liam releases my arm and walks towards the cafeteria doors. I look over my shoulder again at Asher and our eyes lock. His face lights up when he sees me then falls upon noticing Liam. He must realize I'm not coming to the table. I don't think he likes it, but Liam won't leave me alone until we talk. I'd rather get this conversation over with now than have him crawl through my window tonight.
Liam pushes the door open but doesn’t hold it for me. Something I probably wouldn’t have noticed, until Asher. He turns on his heels once we're in the hallway and crosses his arms. “You’ve made your point. Are you done?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Asher,” he says, impatiently. “You officially win. I didn’t think it would bother me to see you with someone else, but it does. There. Are you happy?”
“Kind of." I smirk. I'm glad Liam is getting a taste of his own medicine. Watching him cuddle up with other girls in the hallway over the years has sucked and seeing him and Corah at the party was even worse. He deserves a little bit of suffering. "Hate to break it to you, Lee, but me being with Asher has nothing to do with you.”
“Of course it does!” He snorts. He's right, sort of, but I'm not ready to admit it. “Why else would you choose him?”
“What’s wrong with Asher?” I demand, crossing my arms. From what I've seen in the last few weeks, Liam and Asher aren't nearly as close as I thought they were. Now that football season is over and I sit at a different table, they aren't ever together.
“Everything, Lainey!” Liam shouts. He throws his hands in the air and storms down the hallway to the next set of lockers.
I follow him, needing to hear his explanation because I don't see it. Asher is kind and considerate. Now that he’s done being a jerk, he puts my feelings first and, even though we don’t talk much outside of school, he’s really good at communicating with me. Something Liam never wanted to in public unless I initiated the conversation.
“What does that even mean?”
“Asher is not a good guy. Have you seen where he lives?” Liam runs a hand through his hair, freshly cut, and lets the long strands fall back into place. He looks good, but not as good as Asher. “He is nothing but trash.”
I don't know what comes over me, but I shove Liam in the chest. He can't begin to relate to what Asher's life is like. Hell, I only got to see fifteen minutes of it, and what I witnessed blew my mind. “Asher is a good man, Liam.” I push him again and force him back a step. “People can't help the circumstances they are born into.” I shove him harder, growing more pissed off with each step we take. “You can’t imagine the shit he’s been through because you get to live the perfect life.” Shove. “You have two parents who love you.” Shove. “A best friend who deserves better.” Shove. “And opportunities you squandered by knocking up that bitch of yours.”
Liam backs into a locker. His eyes widen at the realization that I know his secret. The secret he should have told me because we were supposed to be best friends. I swear, the longer I look at him, the more infuriated I get.
“You can’t tell anyone about Corah, Lainey. Promise me.”
“You should know better,” I jeer.
“Ellie?” Asher queries. I look over my shoulder, and my stomach twists. From the outside looking in, it would seem that I’ve got Liam pinned up against the lockers. I look like I'm making a move on someone's baby daddy.
I take a step back from Liam, guilt that I’ve done something wrong twisting my insides. I open my mouth to defend myself but stop short when Asher holds his hand out to me. He pulls me close and wraps me in a protective hug. I fold into his arms and try not to notice the way he smells or how our bodies fit together. Asher
has shown me more affection in two weeks than Liam has in the last four years. I was naive to think Liam loved me.
Love doesn’t hide someone away in the shadows. It doesn’t make you question your every move, wondering if you’re going to piss the other person off. Most importantly, love doesn’t make you feel insecure.
I do not love Asher. I like him because he makes me happy. I don’t have to worry about what I say or wear around him. He’s proven that I can make a complete idiot of myself. I don’t have to worry about him leaving me for someone else, because he blatantly ignores other girls when I’m around, excluding Maggie. I like Asher because he makes me feel like I’m special.
Liam never did that. Even if nothing comes out of our fake romance, I’ve at least learned what a real relationship shouldn’t feel like.
“Are you good?” Asher asks me.
I look up into his eyes. That the turmoil I felt walking out of the cafeteria with Liam fades to dust when I'm in his arms. “Better now.”
“Good.” Asher dips his head and presses a kiss to my temple. His gaze follows movement behind us and I’m painfully aware Liam is still watching. Asher mustn’t care because a moment later, he’s looking at me again. “I bought lunch. We’d better hurry if we want to eat before the bell rings.”
Asher works every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday evening, and all day Sunday, which doesn’t leave much time to hang out after school. We get out of class at two-fifteen and he has to be at the diner by three for the start of his shift until eleven. All of which was fine, until the nagging need to see him crept in. I don’t know what it is, but the more time I spend with him, the more it seems like it’s never enough.
Asher meets me at my car every morning. Walks me to as many classes as he can. Sits with Maggie, Russell, and me at lunch. Hangs out with me after school on his days off while I do my homework. Takes me to the beach on Saturday mornings. Watches movies at my house on Friday nights.
I should be happy.
For a girl who wouldn’t even consider her fake boyfriend an actual friend three weeks ago, I should be overjoyed to spend any time with him.
