"Okay," she replied calmly. "It's good to be cautious, but she might just be hormonal. I used to cry all the time back when I was pregnant with you. I'll see you in a bit," she said, tossing me the keys.
I walked out the door with the keys in my hand and unlocked the car. I got in the car and started driving the familiar route to Lexi's house. After driving for only a few brief moments, I saw a figure approaching me on the side of the street. I put on my high beams to make sure that I didn't hit the person, but then I recognized her. It was Lexi, and she looked upset.
"Hey stranger," I said, rolling down the window and putting the car into park. "Need a ride?" She quickly opened the door to the passenger seat and pulled herself into the car before she wrapped herself around me. She was sobbing, even harder than she had been last night. I hugged her tightly and rubbed her back.
"Baby, it's okay," I told her, not at all sure that it would be.
"No, it's not!" she cried into me. "It's not, it's not okay. My mom found out! One of the little ones was playing with a bunch of stuff he found in my room and one of them was the positive pregnancy test. My mom found it, and she confronted me. She told me that I wasn't her daughter because she didn't raise her daughters to be sluts. She pushed me out the door and then locked it. She told me to get out of her house, because I wasn't her daughter anymore. Emily, I don't know what to do!" she shouted, looking into my eyes desperately. She sounded so defeated. I didn't know what to do, so I stayed there with my arms wrapped around her and the car in park.
After a few moments a car came by and I realized that we should probably get back home. I rubbed her back one last time before suggesting we start driving.
"You must be freezing," I said once I had started to drive again. She didn't respond, she just sat in the passenger seat and shivered, her arms wrapped around herself. "Here, I'll turn up the heat for you. Does that sound good?" I asked her. Again, she didn't respond, so I kept driving and moved one of my arms around her shoulders. Soon we were home. I parked the car in my driveway and was about to get out of the car when I noticed that Lexi wasn't moving. She was still shaking but wasn't heading toward the door at all.
"Lexi?" I asked. She didn't even turn her head to face me. "Lexi, let's go inside." She slowly turned to me and looked into my eyes before she said the most heartbreaking plea.
"I have nowhere," she told me. "I have nowhere to live and I have no one who will take care of me. Oh my God, what am I doing? I can't do this! I can't do any of this!" I grabbed her arms and held her tightly so she could stop shaking.
"It's okay, it's okay," I lied into her ear. "Right now we're going to go inside and you'll warm right up and I'll make you some tea and we'll figure this whole thing out, all right?" She nodded and I let go of her so that she could get out of the car. We each exited on our separate sides and began walking toward the door, her leaning on me like a sick child as we went. It felt like I was supporting all her weight, that if I dropped her then she would fall to the floor and break to pieces. I guided her up the stairs and into the house.
"Mom!" I called. I only called her mom when it was an emergency, so she knew to come running. She helped Lexi to the couch in the living room while I set up some water on the stove to make her a cup of tea. When I got back into the room my mom was rocking Lexi back and forth like a child as Lexi cried into her open arms.
"I know, I know," was all my mom said. She knew better than to promise that it would be okay and was sensitive enough to not try and quiet Lexi's cries. "I know," she said over and over again to Lexi. She did know, after all. She had been through all of this before.
After a moment or two, Lexi's cries had quieted down to a faint murmur. My mom sat with her on the couch soothing her while I made the tea. When I had returned from the kitchen with tea in hand, I noticed that my mom was wrapping a warm blanket around Lexi. I handed Lexi the tea, and she looked up at me with teary, red eyes. She took the tea from me and held it in between her hands. Not drinking it, just holding it to hold on to something in a situation that was changing all around her. The tea gave her something to hold onto and brought her comfort.
I walked out of the room and motioned for my mom to follow behind me. Once she had, I tried my best to explain the situation.
"She got kicked out," I told her. "I think that she might be in shock or something like that. She got in the car and told me what happened and then she stopped talking and she's been shaking like that ever since." My mom and I peered back into the room. Lexi had stopped crying and shaking but was now rocking herself back and forth holding the mug of tea. "I didn't know what else to do, so I brought her back here. I figured that since she can't go back to her house then she could stay with us for a while?"
"I wish," my mom said. "But we can't take care of her. I've been picking up extra shifts as it is to help you save money for college. We can't afford to have another person living here, let alone one who's pregnant. Do you have any idea how much doctors' visits and prenatal vitamins and everything can end up costing? She's not on our insurance plan, it would all be out of pocket. We can't afford that. And besides, we don't even have anywhere for her to sleep. We've got my bed and your bed, and I suppose the couch, but that wouldn't be good for her to stay on given that she's pregnant. The answer has to be no. I'm so sorry sweetie." She tried to smooth my hair to comfort me, but I pushed her arm away.
"Mom, you know what it's like!" I whispered at her so that Lexi couldn't hear. Then again, I wasn't sure how much she could hear in her current state. "You know how hard this is going to be for her. She can't do this alone. She can't be homeless and pregnant. That's not fair to anyone."
"She shouldn't be pregnant," my mom snapped angrily. "If she had been more careful, none of this mess would have happened. If she gets an abortion then maybe we could convince her parents to let her back in, or at least we could better afford to take her in ourselves. But if she stays pregnant, if she has this baby, then there is absolutely no way that we can have her staying here. It's not a possibility."
I was so angry, but I knew that my mom was right. We couldn't afford to have anyone else here, we could barely afford to house, clothe, and feed ourselves as it was. I didn't know what else to do. I was all that Lexi had.
"Listen," my mom said, pulling me in close. "We can let her stay here for a little while, maybe a couple of weeks, but beyond that it won't be possible. You guys need to find someone else or somewhere else that will take her in and help her pay for everything. I think that you and she need to have a real conversation about what is going to happen—what needs to happen—over the next few months. It isn't my place to step in. She's not my child; it's not my responsibility. You're her friend, she has no family, so you're the closest thing that she's got right now. You have to be there for her, okay?"
I nodded, not totally understanding what I was supposed to be doing.
"I'll go put new sheets on your bed. Can you let her stay there for the night and you'll stay on the couch?" I nodded again. I would have given up anything for Lexi. A bed was nothing. "In the morning I'll have to get back to work since I missed my third shift today, but I want the two of you to stay home and figure all of this out, okay? Get her somewhere to stay, figure out if she has any relatives that will take her in, anything like that. Right now I think that you should try to comfort her. She needs you right now, she's had a hard day. You guys can figure all of this out in the morning. Right now, all that she really needs is support and love."
And with that she walked up the stairs and went into my room to change the sheets on my bed. I glanced back into the living room to see how Lexi was doing. She had curled her legs underneath her and had stopped rocking. She was drinking the tea now, and she looked as though she might begin to cry at any moment. I walked into the room and sat down on the couch beside her. I brushed the hair out of her face and put my arm around her shoulders. She leaned her head down on my shoulders and I placed my head on top of hers. There was nothing I could say for he
r to make her feel better. There was nothing I could do to change the situation. Instead, I sat there and let her feel my presence, let her know that I was there for her, and that I always would be.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Lexi
I woke up in the middle of the night. Darkness was all around me, and I felt as though I was choking, like there was something in the darkness that was trying to kill me. I tried to get my bearings, but nothing looked at all familiar.
And then I remembered. I was at Emily's house. I had been kicked out of my own home. I was staying here now. For some reason, this realization didn't really make me feel any better. Instead of feeling like there was something out there in the darkness trying to suck away my breath, I felt like I couldn't breathe because I was having a panic attack. Knowing why I couldn't breathe hardly made me feel any better, though.
I was used to having panic attacks by now. I'd been getting them since I was a little girl. The smallest thing used to set me off. Since then I had gotten better at controlling myself, but sometimes these things just sneak up on me. If there was any time that deserved a panic attack, I'd be willing to bet that now was it—being pregnant and homeless wasn't exactly a winning combination.
I got out of Emily's bed and crept out of her room and into her bathroom, barely able to breathe. I quickly found the stack of cups that I knew she stored under the sink, took one, and filled it with cold water, as cold as the faucet would go. I stuck my head over the sink and poured the chilled water over the base of my head, right where my skull connected to my neck. I don't know why I had thought to try this so many years ago, but I had, and it had worked, so I kept doing it. Something about the shocking cold of the water brought me back to reality. I instantly felt as though I could breathe better and looked around for a towel before my hair dripped all over the floor and I made a mess.
I toweled off my hair and wiped the few drops of water that had fallen on to the floor. As I stepped out of the bathroom I saw Emily's mom sitting in the hallway directly across from the bathroom doorway.
"I'm sorry," I told her instinctively. My words were punctuated with occasional deep breaths, trying to get back into a normal rhythm. "I was having a panic attack, so I was trying to calm myself down. I didn't mean to bother you, I'll get right out of your hair now." She stood up and pushed the hair out of her face before addressing me.
"Nah, don't worry about it," she said to me kindly. "Are you okay now? Do you need anything? Is there some sort of medicine or inhaler that you need? Can you breathe?" I nodded.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I told her. "It's under control, it happens sometimes. Listen, I'm sorry that I woke you up." She waved me off.
"I have to be up about now for work anyway, so it isn't really that big of a deal. I heard you get up and I wanted to make sure that you were okay. I know that all of this can be so overwhelming. Believe me, when I found out that I was pregnant, I cried because I didn't know how I was going to do it. But since then it's all worked out for me. If you really are devoted to making this all work out, I have no doubt that you can make it all happen. I mean, don't get me wrong, this won't be easy. To be honest, being a mother, and especially being a mother at such a young age, and with all the stigmas surrounding that and all of the disadvantages that that puts you at, this will be the hardest thing you've ever done.
"But it's worth it. Everything that you go through will absolutely be one hundred percent worth it. When you meet your baby for the first time, and when you feed them for the first time, when you realize that you brought this little thing into the world, there will be no doubt in your mind that this baby is the best thing that will ever happen to you. I've always felt that way about Emily. It was hard, and we've had our share of ups and downs in life, but we've always made it work. And part of that is knowing that you made a whole other human. You made something that is going to make the world a better place. And honestly, knowing that can be the best feeling in the world. Being able to hold your baby and look them in the eyes—that's when you know that it's all worth it.
"Sorry for keeping you up so late, you should probably go back to bed now and try to get some rest. You need it." Then she kissed me on the top of my head and headed into the bathroom to start her day. With that I walked back down the hallway and went back into Emily's room. I got back into the bed and covered myself with the blanket, including my eyes. But I couldn't fall back to sleep; I was awake and I was wired. I was up.
I took out my iPod and went online to check if I had gotten any messages since last night. There was one from Jeff that said, "Hey, are you okay? Emily said that you were going through some things and wouldn't be in school today, so she asked me to tell the teachers that you were sick and to get your homework for you."
His note touched me deeply. The fact that both he and Emily cared so deeply about me made me feel loved. I hadn't even thought about going to school today, so I was glad to see that Emily (or more likely Emily's mom) had thought things through on my behalf. The fact that Emily was thinking far enough ahead to get my school work for me, and the fact that Jeff was willing not only to get my work for me but also concerned enough about me to write me such a sweet note to make sure I was okay, well they were my family now. My blood family had abandoned me for a stupid mistake that I had made, so now I had a new one, one who chose me and chose to stick with me even when things got tough.
I decided to write back to him. "Thank you so much," I began my message. "I know that you're busy and I'm so so so grateful you're willing to take the time to get my work for me and tell all of the teachers that I'm out for a little bit. I'm ok, or at least I will be. I can't get into it rn. But at some time soon I promise that I will explain everything to you. Before then, thank you for everything."
As soon as I clicked the send button at the bottom of the screen, I got a notification saying that he had already reviewed and read my letter. I looked down at my watch. What was he doing up at five-thirty in the morning on a school day? Then again, why was I up. In a minute my phone started buzzing to let me know that I was getting an incoming call. I looked at the screen and the incoming call was from Jeff. Well that was quick, I thought to myself. I answered the phone hurriedly trying to make as little noise as possible so as not to wake up Emily sleeping soundly downstairs or further bother Emily's mom.
"Hello?" I whispered into the phone.
"Hey Lex, it's me, Jeff," he said quickly into the phone. "I'm sorry for calling you so early, but I saw that you were awake because of that text you sent me. I wanted to check in and make sure that everything was okay." He was such a sweet guy.
"Yeah, yeah," I told him, trying not to get worked up. "It's nothing I just, I... I might not be in school for a little while. I don't want you to worry though."
"But I will worry," he told me sincerely. "I have depression and I know that you do, too, so I know where your mind might be and I'm afraid of what you might do. Are you in a bad place? Can I get you some help or anything?" At that I lost it and started crying.
"No, I'm fine," I told him. "Honestly. I'm just, well, I'm pregnant," I blurted out. He said nothing, so I kept on talking. "I'll be ok, I just need to figure everything out and find a place to stay. My parents sort of kicked me out."
"Oh, honey," he said. "Oh wow. I'm so sorry that you have to go through with all of that. That's got to be really rough. My sister went through that a few years ago. But she at least had our parents there for her. I can't even imagine not having a place to stay. So, are you staying with Emily?" he asked. "I mean, she was the one who texted me and asked me to let the teachers know that you wouldn't be there."
"I don't know," I told him truthfully. "I don't think that they can afford it. It's just Emily and her mom. And besides, I couldn't put them out like that. They don't have the room and Emily and I aren't even together anymore, so I think it would be a really big thing to ask. I don't know where I'm going to stay, I don't have any family that lives here in America, and I doubt that the family that I ha
ve in Mexico would be so happy to have me. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"I have an idea," he told me, excitedly. "You could stay with us. I mean, we already know what to expect because my sister already went through all of this. We have an extra bedroom since she moved out. And you could work in my dad's store so that you don't feel like you're taking too much. My family would be so happy to be able to help you. Between you and me my parents are a little bit anti-choice. Well, pro-life, I guess is what they would say.
"I mean, I don't think that my sister really wanted to have an abortion anyway, but they really didn't want her to. They even said that they would be willing to raise the baby as their own if she didn't want to keep it. But she did, and they helped out in the beginning. But if I told my dad about your situation, I think he would be happy to have you stay with us. Other families at my church have done this to keep women from getting an abortion. Walking the walk and all that."
"I don't even know what to say," I confessed to him. I was tearing up. I had never even met his parents, but I already loved them if they would be willing to take such steps for me. "I wouldn't want to intrude or overstep. Do you think that they would really let me stay with you?" I asked him eagerly. This could be my way for everything to work out. This could be my somehow.
"Absolutely," he told me, sounding very sure of himself. "I mean, I don't know for sure, but they've always told me that if there was someone in need, they were always there to help out. It seems like the sort of thing that they would do. Listen, my parents are about to wake up. I'm going to go ask them right now, and then I'll call you back and let you know what they say, okay?"
It was more than okay. It was the best thing that I could have hoped for. I was so grateful, but all I could do was to choke out a measly, "Yes, thank you so much."
"Well, don't thank me yet," he said humbly. "I'll call you back in a few minutes and let you know what they're thinking." Then he hung up, leaving me back to the darkness of the early morning in an unfamiliar place. I sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, my phone cradled in my hands like it was a lifeline. I waited. Waited and hoped for my phone to start buzzing again, for Jeff to call me back and tell me that it would all be ok, that he would be able to swoop in like a knight in shining armor or a superhero and save the day. My tired and stressed out brain started to conjure an image of him dressed in tights and a cape, with a big "J" on his chest and I couldn't help but giggle at the thought. Suddenly, my phone began to buzz and light up again.
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