by Stasia Black
“Finn Knight.” Sophia closed her eyes and nuzzled her cheek against his, waves of relief and longing and frustration washing through her all at the same time. “I swear no one in my life has ever driven me as crazy as you.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” She could feel him smiling against her lips and she just shook her head.
“You would.”
“But I’m serious, Soph. Truce?”
She sighed and pulled back, looking him in the eye. His gaze was so earnest, pleading even. “I will never leave you, Finn. But I had to do what I did. You can’t know what it was like,” she swallowed, “my whole life, having everyone else sacrifice for me. It got so I was always playing a part—always being the happy, cheerful girl because how could I ever be anything different after people had died for me? How dare I ever be sad or depressed when I was alive and my mom was dead?”
“Soph, no—”
But Sophia just shook her head. “Going and doing what I did. I guess, I don’t know—I thought it would balance the scales. Like I’d finally earn my right to be happy. Although really, I mostly just expected to die trying to kill Travis. But then at least I wouldn’t have to feel ashamed and guilty all the time for living when others were dead.”
Finn’s face crumpled at her words and she touched his cheek, shaking her head again. “But afterwards, I realized it doesn’t work like that. I did it—I was finally strong enough to take out the bad guy, but you know what?”
“It didn’t bring my mom back. It didn’t take back any of the sacrifices my dad made for me over the years. I don’t know why I thought it would make me feel… less sad.”
“And now I know that it wasn’t just a mob that killed my mom. It was Travis who directed them to our house, and now he’s dead. And that feels…” Sophia swallowed and then swallowed again but she couldn’t keep the tears back. “It feels horrible. It all still feels horrible. I miss her so much.”
“Oh, Soph,” Finn said, drawing her face against his chest. “It’s okay. It’s okay to be sad about it. It’s okay to cry and feel sad. Shit, cry as much as you need, all right?”
Sophia nodded, still crying. God, was it as simple as that? She needed permission to grieve her mother? She needed permission to say that it was okay not to be strong sometimes?
God, she’d spent so much of her life trying to prove she was strong to everyone—because the guilt and the grief got wrapped together until she just denied it all and pretended that she was okay, always. And beware anyone who tried to break down those barriers, even the tiniest bit. Namely, Finnigan Knight.
“I love you, you intrusive bastard,” she laughed through her tears and kissed him, her good arm around his neck.
The front door pushing open had them both turning to look. Mario and Leo were walking through the door, Jagger on their heels.
“We’re kissing again?” Jagger inquired.
“More than kissing,” Sophia grinned. “We’ll have to be careful, but take me upstairs, husbands.”
A smile split Leo’s face as he rubbed his hands together. “Yes, ma’am.”
Epilogue
SOPHIA
Five Years Later
Sophia bit her lip as she looked in the mirror. “It’s ridiculous to be anxious, right?” she said. “It’s not like we haven’t been together for years at this point.”
“Don’t be silly,” Audrey said, “this is the wedding you always dreamed of and never got. Of course you want it to be perfect.”
“Hey, stop moving,” Vanessa said. “I still have to pin all these curls in place.”
“Oh, sorry,” Sophia said, trying to sit perfectly still.
She looked over at Audrey and Shay where they sat beside her at the little make up station they’d set up in a back room of the church. “Yeah, the first one was a little less than perfect. I thought Mario was gonna kill Jagger when he finally admitted it wasn’t even legal.”
That was six months ago. They were at the wedding for a new Raffle wife and Sophia had been tearing up like she always did. Although this time it might have been from sheer exhaustion because she’d been up more than half the night with baby number three who was colicky and refused to sleep more than an hour and a half at a time.
Between baby Anna, wrastling the toddler and the four-year-old throughout the ceremony, Sophia had gotten home, broken into the secret stash of chocolate the guys had gotten her for her birthday, and had a proper meltdown.
Which was when Jagger told her, “I didn’t realize until too late how important weddings were to you. But you can still have one. Here in Jacob’s Well, I mean. With all your friends and your dad.”
She’d looked up at him in confusion. “But we’re already married.”
Which was when his face had scrunched up and he’d taken a step back. “Well… technically…”
“What?” Sophia had swiped at her face. “Technically what?”
“Technically… that marriage back in Carlsbad might not have ever been… recorded anywhere. So it was never exactly… official.”
Sophia lost her shit. She jumped up from the kitchen table. “Are you telling me,” she’d all but shrieked, “that I have had three children,” she got up in his face, “Out. Of. Wedlock?”
“No! I mean, sorta, yes. Ok no, I mean no.” Jagger said, his hands held up in surrender as Mario growled and stepped forward. Jagger looked around in panic, but there was no one else to appeal to because the others were off tending to the kids to give Sophia a moment’s peace.
“No,” Jagger repeated, smiling at Sophia, “what I’m telling you is that you can still have the wedding of your dreams.”
He was lucky that Shay had come around ringing the doorbell at that exact moment. And that the more Sophia thought about having a wedding, a real wedding, the more excited she’d gotten.
So here she was, on the fifth anniversary of her first ‘wedding,’ about to finally walk down the aisle in the church she’d dreamt about since she was a girl.
“Okay, finished,” Vanessa said, standing back and holding her arms out with a flourish. Ever since her Vanessa’s hair had grown back in, she’d become a connoisseur of cute hairstyles. Well, when she wasn’t out spearing fish and the like.
“Oh Sophia,” Shay breathed, standing up—which was a laborious enough task considering Shay was eight and a half months pregnant—and coming around to look at Sophia. “It’s perfect. You’re gorgeous.”
Sophia stood up and turned around and Audrey held out a mirror to her. Sophia took it and her breath hitched. Her hair shone, a cascade of ringlets in an artful updo.
She turned around and beamed at Vanessa, hugging Shay to her at the same time. “It’s beautiful.”
Vanessa tucked a lock of her own hair behind her ear. “It’s nothing. I’m glad I can help.”
“Are you ready for the dress?” Audrey asked.
Was she ready for the dress? Was she ready for the dress? Sophia had been ready for the dress since she was seven and spent her allowance on an online subscription to Wedding Weekly.
Ten minutes later, the effect was complete.
The dress fit perfectly.
Shay had designed it. For several years now, she’d been turning her artist’s eye towards fashion. She was a magician at piecing together old fabric into new clothes.
Sophia didn’t know where Shay had found the uncut white organza to make the bottom of the dress from but God, it was gorgeous. Beyond gorgeous.
The top was done in lace and intricate beading and Sophia felt like a princess as she swirled in a circle.
After having three children in five years, taking the time to pamper herself and feel beautiful wasn’t often at the top of her priorities list, so this felt even more special.
“I am so glad we made the guys make a pact that today was ladies day off,” Vanessa laughed, flopping down in the chair Sophia had just vacated. “No mommy duties for a whole eight hours? We need to do this more often.”
“Oh
please,” Audrey laughed, “the whole town’ll be out for the wedding. The kids will be having a blast playing and the whole community will be watching them. I heard they’re going all out for this wedding because you’re like the official town daughter. Slaughtering extra pigs and breaking out the tequila and everything.”
Sophia blushed. “They don’t have to do that.”
“Don’t worry,” Shay said. “It’s not all about you. People love an excuse to relax and cut loose for a while.” Then she dropped her head back, one hand on her protruding stomach. “Tequila. I miss tequila!”
“Awww, soon enough,” Vanessa said, reaching over and patting Shay on the shoulder. Then she looked at Sophia. “Plus we’re celebrating the good harvest. The new irrigation system they finished installing made such a difference. Plus the cattle herd’s doing well. It’s just good to feel like for once we aren’t scrabbling to survive. Everyone feels it.”
It wasn’t just Jacob’s Well, either.
Things were looking up all across The New Republic of Texas. Political stability and strong leadership had paved the path for strong intercountry trading routes to be set up.
Last time Sophia had talked to Dad, he and Drea were even thinking of sending emissaries to Mexico to see about establishing trade relations with their former enemies.
Speaking of Dad… Sophia frowned at her reflection in the mirror.
“What’s wrong?” Shay asked, obviously noticing Sophia’s change in mood.
“Any sign of them?” Sophia couldn’t help looking toward the door.
“Not since we last checked,” Audrey said, standing up. “But I’ll go ask Nix to—”
“No, no, it’s fine,” Sophia said. Nix was the Commander of Jacob’s Well now that her dad lived in Fort Worth and Nix he would be busy with all the activities planned for the day, plus the kids. “Anyway, Dad told me in his telegram a few days ago they had that urgent situation come up and that he might not be able to make it.”
Being the First Husband to the President of the Republic kept Dad constantly busy.
“You know he really wanted to be here,” Audrey said.
Sophia nodded, knowing it was true. If there was any way at all Dad could have been here, he would have. Whatever had come up, it must have been important. And Sophia understood, she really did.
Dad had his own life with Drea and they did important work that kept the entire country safe.
But sometimes… sometimes Sophia just missed her dad. Today of all days. Because as she looked at herself in the mirror, she was also powerfully reminded that her mom wasn’t here either.
A rap came at the door.
Sophia swung around. Had Dad made it after all?
But then she heard the wail of a baby’s cry as Audrey hurried to the door and opened it a crack.
“Nix.”
“Sorry babe, but Emmy’s been wailing her poor head off—”
“Yeah Mom. Baby misses you,” said their four-and-a-half-year-old little boy, Max, bulldozing between Nix’s legs and into the room.
“She says you been in here too long and she wants you to come out and play.”
Nix lifted a heavy eyebrow at his son, which pulled the scar on the left side of his face taut.
“Actually, Max, I think baby sister is just saying she’s hungry,” Nix said, passing the baby off to Audrey. He leaned in. “Sorry, gorgeous. I tried to give you as much time as I could. I’ll take her again after she’s fed.”
“It’s fine,” Sophia said. “We’re all done in here.”
Nix looked her way for the first time and a wide smile broke across his face while Audrey slid down her shirt and freed a breast to start feeding their five-month-old daughter.
“Well look at you.” Nix walked over and gave Sophia a one-armed hug, careful not to muss her dress and landing a kiss on the side of her head.
“When did you go and grow up on me, pipsqueak?”
Sophia scoffed. “Uh, maybe about three kids ago?”
“Nah,” Nix said, but then his smile sobered a little. “You remind me of my kid sister, you know that? Always have. And I’m proud of you. Your dad is, too.”
“Damn you,” Sophia said, smacking him hard on the chest. “Don’t make me cry. You’ll mess up my eye makeup.”
Then she gave him a big hug. “Thanks for walking me down the aisle in his stead.”
“Man,” Nix said, “you have no idea how much willpower it’s taking not to give you a noogie right now and mess up all this pretty hair.”
Sophia pulled back and glared at him. “You do and you die.”
Nix chuckled and Max jumped up and down. “Yes! Attack Daddy! Attack Daddy!”
Then Max ran with a roar and flung himself into Nix’s legs.
“Oh yeah, little man?” Nix hoisted his son in the air and swung him around until he shrieked and giggled.
Then Nix held him over his forearm like he was a football and gave his bottom an affectionate swat.
“All right kiddo, let’s go find one of your other dads so I can come back and walk Auntie Sophia down the aisle.”
“Lemme down!” the boy squirmed.
“What’s that?” Nix asked. “You want to go up?”
He lifted Max up onto his shoulders.
“No!” Max giggle-shrieked. “I said down, Daddy!”
“Oh, you want to go around?” Nix spun in a circle as he headed for the door.
“Daddy!”
“He’s so good with him,” Sophia grinned as the door closed behind them.
Audrey nodded, caressing her daughter’s head as she continued to breastfeed. “I know. But with Emmy it’s too funny, it’s like Nix has forgotten how to take care of babies. He’s always scared of breaking her. He carries her around like she’s a porcelain doll.”
“Oh my God, Logan was like that, but with me when I was pregnant,” Vanessa said. “When the twins actually came, we were all too exhausted to waste too much time on more than the basic worries. Were they breathing? Okay, then we were good.”
Sophia laughed. “Right? How did people before The Fall even do it without five or six parents to share the load? We take turns on who wakes up which nights with the kids and I still felt like a zombie the year Elle and Val were both under two.”
Audrey shook her head. “I literally can’t fathom doing it with fewer than at least four parents and even that would be pushing it.”
A knock came at the door.
“That’ll be Nix,” Audrey said, looking to Sophia. “You ready, honey?”
Sophia pasted on a bright smile. Even if Dad wasn’t there, she was still marrying the loves of her life today, surrounded by her friends and loved ones.
Vanessa reached up to fiddle with Sophia’s hair one last time while Shay waddled over to get the door.
“Okay, Nix, you can let them know we’re ready,” Shay started saying as she opened the door wide.
And then they all froze.
Because standing on the other side of the door was Sophia’s Dad, with Drea on his arm.
“Dad!” Sophia screeched, pulling away from Vanessa and sprinting across the room to fling herself into his arms.
“Sweetheart.” He wrapped his strong arms around her and lifted her up off the ground.
Sophia pulled away, biting back tears, her throat thick. “You made it,” she managed to choke out.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Drea said softly from beside them.
Sophia pulled away from her dad and hugged Drea just as hard, eliciting a little oof of surprise from Drea.
Over the years, things had more than mellowed between them. Sophia would go so far as to say that they were genuine friends now. Not that they had tons of time to hang out, what with Drea being President and all, but they saw each other often enough, and always had a good time when they did.
Sophia pulled back and looked Drea in the eye, squeezing her hands.
Thank you, she mouthed.
Drea just waved her off.
The bells rang out and Sophia grinned around at all of them. It was perfect. It was finally perfect.
Still holding onto one of Drea’s hands, she clasped her dad’s with the other.
“Let’s go get me married!”
“I now pronounce you husbands and wife.” Pastor Jonas announced. “You may kiss the bride!”
“Ew,” said Shay’s older son, Matthew, said loudly from the front row.
“Look the other way, boy,” Jagger said before grabbing Sophia, dipping her backwards, and kissing her deep.
Swoon.
Every time.
Every. Time.
It didn’t matter how many children she had or how many years passed, Jagger’s hunger always felt like that day before she’d gone into Fort Worth. As if Jagger was kissing her like both their lives depended on it.
His tongue tangled with hers, a battle for dominance that she loved to let him win.
She gave herself to the kiss, to him, the man she’d now finally made vows to.
His eyes had shone as he’d made his vows in return, going off script almost immediately.
“I, Jagger Kincaid, do vow to love, honor, and trust this woman who was an oasis in the desert to me, who brought me life when I was a corpse walking and didn’t even realize it, who gave me meaning, and a purpose, and a family, and I fucking love you, little dove, and I swear I will till my dying breath.”
When Jagger finally, finally, let her up from the kiss, his dark eyes locked on her green ones, she felt so full up, she couldn’t imagine a more perfect moment.
But then came Leo, a sparkle in his eyes, kissing and whispering an inside joke in her ear before nibbling on her earlobe in a way he knew made her giggle before passing her onto his brother Mario.
Mario held her face solemnly as he carefully repeated, word for word, exactly what Pastor Jonas said.
His language was stilted and Sophia knew that being under the spotlight here up in front of everyone made him beyond uncomfortable, but his eyes and his actions had always had far more to say than words ever could:
