Red and Jorge watched her from the front yard like vultures watching future carrion. She wouldn’t be their prey anymore. While this Pack had been what she needed when she’d first changed, when the panther was a wild and untamable voice in her mind, it was no longer the home she needed. This was a Pack of structure and obedience. Any warmth she might have felt was only superficial. It’d never been meant to make her feel like part of a family, only to keep her alive as part of an army.
The way Oscar formed his Pack would be something he would have to deal with someday, perhaps even someday soon, but it would no longer be Monica’s problem. The army he’d formed would crack sometime soon. She’d shouldered a new problem when she realized where her heart was.
Outside Oscar’s front door, she laughed at herself. She’d put so much effort into sneaking Oscar’s file onto Nessa’s desk and, in the end, it hadn’t mattered. She’d found a mate, the right guy, in the end. Now, she just needed to pay the price for leaving Oscar’s Pack.
Oscar looked vaguely surprised to see her again. In the years she’d been a part of his Pack, she hadn’t visited him as much as she had in the past few weeks. He invited her inside. There were new windows and a few new lamps. In the corners of the living room, she caught glimpses of glass.
It reminded her of Nikolai’s living room. She wanted to be back on that couch, basking in her mate’s presence. She wished he could have been there, to hold her hand while she dealt with whatever punishment Oscar thought to drop on her. Nikolai wouldn’t have been able to handle it, though. She knew he would fight against whatever she had to face, and it would not end well to have two Alphas fighting.
“You’re looking a lot better these days,” Oscar noted.
His words caught her off guard. Her head cocked to the side and Oscar laughed.
“I know why you’re here. I’m your Alpha, remember?”
Her lips formed a question, but Oscar jerked his head toward the lawn where two grown shifters worked on the hedges.
“Spies,” she said, finally. “They were spies all along.”
Oscar nodded. “It’s good to know what your Pack is doing at all times. If I hadn’t had them watching you, then I would have been at fault should Nikolai have decided to hurt you.”
“He would never,” she growled.
Oscar held up a finger to silence her. “How could I have known that when he decided to show an interest in you? His family has been after territory for decades. I wouldn’t put it past him to break my Pack one shifter at a time.”
She shook her head, fighting against the command of silence. “You clearly don’t trust anyone. I hope that bites you in the ass.”
Monica surprised herself with her words. She’d never spoken against Oscar in her life. Now, she could see him for what he was. He hid behind the threat of violence, weaving it like a binding around his Pack. He was a spider at heart, even if his animal form was a bear. She no longer felt the need to make him happy, to make sure he noticed her.
Now, Monica gave it to him straight. His clever machinations could only get him so far. If he constantly relied on his Pack to foster the fear that gave him control, it would fall apart.
Monica sighed. Nothing was permanent, it seemed. No dreams lasted, no packs thrived for too long. Life would always go through cycles of turmoil. All they could do was hold their head high and fight for the best. She wished Oscar the best, no longer thinking of herself as what he needed.
“What did you come here for?” Oscar snapped.
Monica smiled. “I want out of the Pack.”
Oscar’s eyes widened. Then, his jaw tightened, and he spun away from her. A low growl rumbled through the air. She thought he might lash out at the nearest window, release the tension that gripped his shoulders, but he didn’t move.
“You’re not the first.”
His words struck her. She’d thought she was making a bold move, the kind no one else would even consider. Surely, there was a punishment waiting for her. Why would anyone else want to brave such a thing? Who would?
“Am I so awful that everyone wants to run away from me? I thought using fear would keep the peace among my shifters, but all it has done is push you away.”
“Do you know how long I thought I loved you?” Monica blurted out.
Oscar twisted to look at her, eyes wide and lips parted. It was obvious he hadn’t expected her words.
Monica drew in a breath through her nose and prepared herself to finish the story. “It means nothing now that I’ve found my mate. I wish I could say I still loved you, like I did from the first day I met you, but I’ve found what love really feels like.
“You would think love would feel like the support we show each other, but this Pack does it out of duty. We see everything we do as a duty. Protect our Alpha. Do as he says. Make sure the others stay alive. It’s all one command after another. None of that translates to love. We gather together, but we don’t connect.”
Monica knew her words were brazen. She should have swallowed them down the moment they touched her tongue. Part of her was proud for having spoken them. The truth was harsh, but so often necessary. The realization that she didn’t love Oscar allowed her to fall in love with her mate.
“I’ve lost shifters to dreams of traveling the world, to family across the country, and a plain feeling of unrest. Am I to lose you to Nikolai?”
She nodded. “It sounds, to me, like everyone who has left did it because that was what their heart needed.”
Oscar turned away, but not before nodding. His gaze lingered on the floor. The smoky tattoos on his arms no longer swirled and danced as if they were magic. They were simply tattoos, ink in the skin.
Chapter Seventeen
Monica lingered awkwardly in the doorway. Nikolai waited for her to move, to say anything. He was grateful she’d given him a place to stay, but he wanted more. He wanted to lift her from the floor and carry her toward the bedroom. His hunger for her was almost enough to drown out his common sense.
Her indecision was clear, written across her face with the way she chewed her lip. She hesitated, seemingly caught on the threshold. When she looked back at him, his stomach flipped. Her eyes were wide and dark, almost innocent. It was at odds with the soot smeared on her face. He reached to wipe the soot away with his thumb, but she ducked away from his reach.
The bear growled inside his mind. The sound echoed until he could feel nothing more than the sting of refusal. Each time he thought he was close enough to her, she backed away again. He didn’t know what he could do that would keep her. How did he convince her that they were mates? He thought she knew, that she’d come to terms with it. And, still, each time they crashed together she found a way out of it again.
“I just remembered I have to clean up the studio. I got a visit from your so-called brother, today.”
“Wait. What? You didn’t tell me about that.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you between running away from him and finding your house on fire.” Her tone was sharp, her teeth tight together.
He wanted to reach for her, but he knew she would back away from him again. Instead, he nodded his head and offered to help her clean. While she refused, he still followed her into the garage. There was a slashed painting, an abstract that had been a flowing piece of cream and gold that was now only strips of pretty canvas.
A roll of canvas sat on the floor, smeared with blood. The scent of Alex was strong, filling the air and making his beast growl. That crazed man had been here, and Nikolai hadn’t been able to stop him. He couldn’t be at all places at once. Rationally, he knew that. It still didn’t stop the irrational anger that consumed him. Not at Alex, but at himself.
Nikolai should have been there. He should have protected his mate from the threat his father brought into this world. His shoulders tightened to the point of pain. How was he going to protect his Pack if he couldn’t protect his mate or his home?
“Quit your growling,” Monica snapped, shearing away
the bit of canvas smeared with blood. “I’m in one piece, and that’s what matters.”
Nikolai hadn’t even realized he was growling. It was a struggle, but he managed to swallow the sound, taking with it the fury of his bear. His chest hurt, the pressure of his anger like a bomb in his chest. He feared when it might go off.
He was sick of his life being ripped apart at every turn. He wanted to become someone new, but that meant wading through the nightmare Brigid had brought into his life. No, he couldn’t blame her forever. She was an idiot, but Nikolai had welcomed this chaos. To get what he wanted, he now needed to clean up his own mess.
What he wanted was a life with Monica. He craved her unlike anything else. The scent of paint thinner got him excited in strange ways. Tonight would be the first night that he got to sleep beside her. Of course, he wanted to bury himself in his mate, to forget the chaos that existed beyond those doors and to lose himself in the love he felt for her. Yet, if she didn’t want that, he would still find comfort in lying beside her.
At least, that was what he told himself.
“I hope the couch is suitable,” Monica said as she hoisted the canvas roll over her head.
He blinked. Twice. “Excuse me?”
Her cheeks darkened. “You heard me. The couch. That’s where you’re sleeping.”
Just as the roll of canvas settled on the overhead beams, Nikolai reached for her. She tried to jump away from him, but he was faster. He tugged her into his body, her scent blooming around him. Desire tightened his stomach.
“You are my mate and I demand the right to sleep beside you.” His voice was low, a rumble with an edge he could barely hold back. “Especially after today. While you are tempting enough to drive me out of my mind, I’d settle for at least knowing you’re safe.”
Monica’s lips worked, but nothing came out. Eventually, she narrowed her eyes at him.
“Woman. We’ve already slept together. I don’t know what you think you’re avoiding.”
She licked her lips, a motion that caught his attention. They tasted like blackberries. His stomach growled for the sweet tartness of them, making his cock rise, too. It was only her nervous look of apprehension that allowed him to push the hunger back.
“What do you have to fear?” his voice dropped. He wanted to kneel before her, put his arms around her and tell her she was safe with him.
Monica shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. You won’t have to if you sleep out here.”
She turned to leave, but Nikolai couldn’t leave it alone. She was distraught, and it pained him. If he could do something to help her, to put her at ease, then he would fight until his last breath to do it. She’d nearly run into a burning building to save him. This was the least he could do in return.
He reached for her, trying to get her to look at him. Monica’s brows fell flat over her eyes. It was clear she didn’t want to argue about this. She pointed at him then at the couch. When he stood his ground, she sighed and shook her head.
“This is a bad idea,” she confessed. “I’m not fit to be anyone’s mate. I don’t know why I even try.”
Her eyes were on the couch, distant and lost. He hated her regret. It pained him, cutting him in half. Finally, he let go of her. If this was what she wanted, he would be patient. The couch was fine. For a time.
“I don’t know what it is that tortures you, but I’m willing to help you heal. Just tell me what I have to do.”
Who was the person he’d become? There was no trace of his father in him. The man he’d been never would have let go of the situation. His father would have pressed the issue until he got an answer. That was where Nikolai had learned it from. But, Monica wasn’t ready. She had her issues, same as he did.
They both needed time to heal, to grow. He knew this was only a small step forward for him.
Monica stepped away but hesitated in the shadows of the hall. She didn’t turn back when she spoke, but he could hear her all the same.
“I, uh, have night terrors.”
Her confession floored him. A million things happened at once, including the deafening rage of his beast inside him. The bear roared and thrashed against Nikolai’s body. He’d never felt such strong rage over something. There was pain on her face, a secret she must have kept from nearly everyone. Even from her pack.
Nikolai approached her but didn’t reach to touch her. He feared the memory of whatever had hurt her was still clinging to his mate. Finally, summoning a shaky breath, he yanked her into him. She crashed into his body, but quickly wrapped her arms around him.
When she spoke, she did so into the cotton of his shirt. “I don’t want to hurt you in my sleep. I’d never forgive myself.”
His heart broke for her. He’d gladly bear any pain for her. He was an Alpha. Hurting for those he loved was his job. Ruling them was what his father taught, when really, he should have shouldered their pain instead.
He breathed into her hair, struggling with her confession and his own realization. After a long moment, gripping his mate, he remembered himself long enough to speak.
“You can hurt me every night and I’ll still come crawling back. I’ll be there to stop you from hurting yourself, to wipe away your tears, to banish the ghosts of your pain.”
“Shut up,” she mumbled.
He laughed. “I’m not joking. I’m not being facetious, either. I mean every damn word I say.”
For once in his life, he was proud of the man he was becoming. The changes that were unveiling were for the better, and he could feel how it was changing his life. Of course, there were still things he needed to do, but he knew that if he could keep his mate happy, then everything would be fine. She would help him. She would make sure he lived through Brigid’s nightmare.
He sighed and set his head against her stomach. Monica’s fingers automatically reached for his hair. They toyed with the long strands, pulling the tie away and letting it cascade over her hands. He reveled in the feeling and tried to let it chase away the worry that consumed him.
One thing at a time, he thought. First Monica, then the Pack. He reached for one of her hands and tugged it toward his lips, leaving a small kiss across her knuckles.
“I wish we were pack,” he muttered.
Monica stiffened. “About that…”
Nikolai fought the urge to shoot to his feet. While his heart thundered with fear, he forced himself to stay still. It felt like the world might crumble around him, but he waited.
“I, uh, officially do not belong to a pack anymore. I spoke to Oscar before you came here and told him I wanted out.”
“You did what?” He wanted to shout. She was being foolish. Why would she give up the protection of a pack in this time and age?
Monica retracted her hands, wrapping her arms around herself. He could see the indecision, the distance growing between them. Slowly, she turned away from him. There was something he was missing. He could tell by the way she pulled away from him. Each moment was another yawning chasm. Their orbits were pulling them away again, and he struggled to figure out how to keep her near.
“Oh, my…” Nikolai nearly shouted the words when realization dawned on him. “You did that for me?”
“Good night, Nikolai.” Monica made to move toward her bedroom door.
He lurched from the floor, reaching for her before she could disappear. When he grabbed her, she snatched her arm away from him. She yanked the door open and an array of rainbow balls poured into the hall. The moment was so silly, so strange, that they both let out a burst of laughter.
The weight of the moment lifted, if only for a second. It allowed Nikolai to gently touch his mate. She was more pliable, letting him turn her toward him. When she looked up at him, her eyes were glassy. Her lips wavered with unsplit tears. Before he could acknowledge them, she wiped them away with the back of her hand.
Nikolai leaned his forehead against hers. Monica was no longer part of Oscar’s pack. She wasn’t under his control. Oscar couldn’t pull he
r away from him. His heart clenched and, then, released. He sucked in a deep breath. The scent of her was almost too much.
“Let’s go to bed, mate.”
Monica looked over her shoulder nervously. The argument this had all began with reared its head again.
“Night terrors,” she repeated. “You aren’t safe. If you want, you can take the bed and I’ll take the couch. I just want…I want you to be safe.”
“I’ll say it a million times, Monica. You aren’t going to hurt me. I’m a big boy; I can handle it.”
She shook her head. “You’re a damn fool, but if you want to deal with my claws, who am I to stop you?”
Nikolai grinned like an idiot. Monica took one look at him and laughed. It was a moment of light against the darkness of their lives. He let her lead him through the bedroom of balls.
“Where are you going?” Monica asked groggily.
Nikolai looked back. Her hair was a messy halo around her head, eyes half lidded. Despite her warning about night terrors, she’d slept through the night. He’d had to fight for some of the blankets, but that was nothing life threatening like she’d tried to make it sound.
He sighed. He wished he could stay beside her all day, but life still called. He had a mess to clean up. A number of his shifters were sitting on Caz’s territory and it was likely to start another war if he didn’t claim them soon. There was no question that he could kick them back onto their own territory. He just didn’t want to do it.
Part of him envied Miles and Lia. They had the entire coast to themselves, but no pack to govern. They didn’t have to worry about the wellbeing of a twenty to thirty other people. They didn’t have to worry about which one wanted to stab them in the back or attempt some kind of test using the shifter their father accidentally made.
He was getting oddly specific, but it wasn’t like anyone else had to deal with issues like this.
Monica inched across the bed, moving to wrap her body around his back. She laid her cheek against his leg. “You can tell me. We’re Pack now. Right?”
Her True Alpha Mate Page 12
