by T M Kelly
Reaching for a chip with meat and cheese dripping over the sides, I squeezed a small amount on the top. Right before I popped the whole thing in my mouth, I noticed someone on the TV. My eyes were glued to the screen.
Charlie leaned over. “What’s wrong?”
I was watching the guy being interviewed. “Is that?”
She swiveled around in her chair. “Oh, um–”
“Right?” I grabbed my cell phone to look up the channel and who was being interviewed.
“Is that? No, it couldn’t be.”
“Well don’t keep it a secret.”
She turned back and rested her arms on the table. “Julian Moore. Remember how he went into retirement early because of an injury.”
“Holy shit, that is him.” I was shocked by how he looked. “Man, he’s bulked up since the last time I saw him.”
“Yeah and I totally approve,” she said, fanning herself.
I flagged the waitress down. “Is it possible to turn it up?” I said, pointing to the TV with Julian still filling the screen.
“Oh sure, hold on,” the young woman said and ran over to the bartender.
A few minutes later, Julian’s velvety voice made its way over to my table.
“Damn.”
Charlie rested her body against me. “Damn is right.”
“My dad told me he worked with him once.”
She leaned up. “Really? Only once?”
“I guess.” I reached for another chip. “Dad said something about young fighters and how they don’t know anything.”
“Your dad was always so grumpy.”
I stopped with a chip halfway to my mouth. “Is.”
“What?”
“Is. He’s not dead yet, Charlie.”
She looked shocked by my words. “I know. I didn’t mean it that way.”
I leaned back in my chair. “Then what did you mean?”
“That he can be grumpy.”
I reached for a napkin and then wiped my mouth before pushing my chair back. “Listen, I need to go.”
“Lils, you’re mixing up my words.”
“It’s fine.” I bent down and kissed her cheek. “Talk to you tomorrow?”
“Of course, but I don’t want you to leave angry at me.”
“I’m not angry.”
Charlie grabbed my hand and tugged me toward her. “You promise?” she asked while flashing her perfect puppy dog eyes.
“Yes, totally fine, but that is quickly changing.”
She pushed my body away. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you, Lils.”
I brought my hand to my lips and sent her an air kiss as I walked out of the restaurant. Somehow I scored rock star parking and only needed to walk two feet from the front door. It was a good thing because after the workout I put myself through, my body was screaming.
As I eased into the front seat and put my keys in the ignition, my hand froze. My mind wandered back to the day when my dad was sitting there at the gym confused. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. He would forget me soon. I didn’t know how to absorb that thought. It was time to ignore his demands and get my ass over to his house.
“Hey, Dad,” I yelled as I opened the backdoor that led into the kitchen. He had lived in the same house for easily thirty-five years. “Dad?”
“I’m down here,” he said off in the distance.
“Are you in the basement?”
“Yup, come down here.”
When Mom died, he pretty much pretended the room didn’t exist. The door was always kept closed. For a couple of my birthday parties, I would ask to have the celebration in the basement. He would give a look that basically meant the topic was not up for discussion.
As I reached the bottom step, I stopped. “You okay?”
“Yeah, just looking at a few things. Come here,” he said, reaching out his hand.
I sat down beside him and leaned forward to get a better look at the photo album on his lap. I pointed at a picture. “Is that you and Mom?”
“Yeah. I think we were twenty-four then. A couple years before we had you.”
The room felt cold and damp, so I wrapped my arms around my body. There were three metal shelves up against the wall directly in front of me loaded with boxes. Plus, several more boxes were scattered around the big open space. Dad was sitting in the center of the room with photo albums and loose photos all around him.
“I’m surprised to see you down here.”
“I got home from the gym and had an urge to look at some old photos.”
I touched my hand to his. “Dad.”
“I’m sorry for what happened today, Lily.”
“No, you don’t have to apologize.” I turned my body to face him. “The doc said you would have weird moments. I guess that was one of them.”
“Yeah, but what if my memory doesn’t come back the next time?”
“We’ll attack it just like we do everything else: together.” He stayed silent at my words. “Show me more photos of you and Mom.”
He reached beside him and pulled five large albums onto his lap. “What kind of time do you have?”
“All the time in the world.”
“Lily.” I heard my name yelled from down the hall. I sat up in the small twin bed and looked around. “Lily.” Finally my mind was on track, and I registered where I was. My dad’s house. He let me stay the night. Well, technically he didn’t have a choice because we were up till two looking at old photos.
“I’m coming.” I stumbled out of bed and ran toward his room. As I pushed the door back, I sucked in a breath, scared to see what was on the other side.
“Lily, help.”
My dad was sitting on the edge of the bed, clutching his head. I squatted down in front of him and rested my hands on his thighs. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“I’m struggling to see, and my head feels like it may explode.”
There was a sweatshirt resting on the arm of a chair. I grabbed it and threw it on. “Come on, let’s get you to the hospital.” He rested his arm over my shoulders and stood up. “Are you okay to walk?”
“I’ll have to be, right?”
“No, I can call the ambulance.”
“Let’s do this together.”
I practically carried him to the car. He had to lean up against a wall a few times as I opened a door or moved a table out of the way. But somehow we made it to my car, and I was able to ease him into the seat safely. Just as I was about to close his door, he grabbed my hand. I bent down to be eye level with him.
“Promise me something.”
“Anything.”
“You won’t put me through all the tests and treatments.”
“Dad, what do you want?”
“Let me finish this journey out and be with your mother.”
It took everything in me to hold it together. I cleared my throat before I said anything. “You miss Mom don’t you?”
“So much, Lily.”
“Dad.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you saying you want to go into hospice care?”
He didn’t say anything for several long moments. When he spoke, it was in a hushed tone. “Yeah, I think I am. Is that being selfish?”
“No, not at all.” I felt a tear slide down my cheek.
“I don’t want to leave you yet.”
I found a way to sit down in front of him. “Dad, I have been trying to imagine life without you, and every time I fail. Everything in my life revolves around us and fighting.”
“Your mom loved watching you fight.”
“Did she?”
“Oh yeah, but she always worried about you.”
At that moment, I could see my mom sitting on bleachers cheering me on. She had long blond hair, which flowed around her shoulders, and her smile lit up a room. “Hey, let’s talk to the doctor and see what’s going on. Then we’ll just take each challenge one day at a time.”
“Together,” he said and brushed his ha
nd down the side of my face.
“Together.” I reached up and squeezed his hand.
4
“Hey, dad.” I sat down in the little chair beside his hospital bed and squeezed his hand. “What kind of trouble did you get into today?”
He had an oxygen mask over his face. He pulled it to the side. “They took me down to labor and delivery. There were ten newborns all delivered this morning.”
“Wow, that floor must have been hopping.”
“It was but one of the new fathers let me hold his son.”
“Aww, that is so sweet. Any cute names?” I’d had a sheet of paper that had possible baby names when, well, if I had kids. The jury was still out on that decision.
“Grady.”
“Oh, I like that one.” I reached up and moved his oxygen mask back over his mouth. “I can hear you fine with it on.”
He rolled his eyes. “I wish they would let me use the one that goes just in the nose.”
“I know, but they have a method to their madness in this place.”
“How was practice?”
“Good. I don’t know how much more I can take with Jake, though.”
“What will you do after everything?”
“Dad.”
“Come on, I want to know.”
He had insisted I talk to him like he was leaving soon. We didn’t say dying. It was a task I was not very good at. “I’ve been thinking about Las Vegas lately.”
“That would be a good move.”
“Yeah, closer to the action and maybe I could find a manager that meshes with me.”
“Lily honey, you will always have issues with your managers,” he said, squeezing my hand. “It’s just biology.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“There’s a gym there run by three brothers. You should it check out. The oldest brother I bet could help you.”
“What’s the name of the gym?”
“Fight It Out.”
“Charlie is going with me, so maybe we both can find someone to help us.”
“You two are inseparable.”
Just then Charlie peeked her head around the door. “Knock knock.”
“Speak of the devil,” I teased and ran over to give her hug.
“Devil. Who me?”
I had my index finger and thumb a quarter of an inch apart. “Just a little.”
“Not even.” She swatted at my arm. She stepped over to Dad and bent down to kiss his forehead. “Hey there, daddy-o. What’s shaking?”
“My left foot has been all day.”
I gasped and grabbed his foot. “Really? Did you tell your physical therapist?”
Charlie wrapped her arms around my body. “Sweetie, he was teasing.”
I looked between them both and pointed my finger at my dad. “Not funny.”
When I took Dad to the emergency room two weeks ago, we didn’t expect them to tell us he needed to be admitted to hospice that night. The doctor said the tumor had grown in size in just a matter of days, so it probably had not been there long. Since it was a fast-growing tumor, we all agreed treatment would be grueling and would have a fifty-fifty chance of working.
I practiced daily, so I stopped in to see Dad on the way to the gym and on the way home. Charlie made a point to stop by daily, too. The doctor didn’t know how much time we had left together; he said days most likely.
The last two days, Dad was in a good mood. Joking and smiling.
I was trying to soak up every last drop I had left with him.
“Lily.” I turned at the sound of my dad’s voice. “What do you think?”
“Huh? About what?”
“Told you she wasn’t paying attention.” Charlie giggled and squeezed my dad’s hand.
“I want sushi.”
“Oh, we can do that. Are we bringing you some?”
“I want to go to the restaurant.”
“I can ask the doctor,” I said and realized what they were implying. I turned my head to the side. “No, we are not escaping. We will tell them we’re going like adults.” Their shoulders slumped at the same time, and Charlie sported her puppy-dog expression perfectly. I pointed my index finger in their direction. “You both suck.”
We didn’t end up escaping in the normal climb through a tunnel fashion, but I did notify the front desk we were going no matter what. They were amazing and equipped us with an oxygen tank, wheelchair, and even went over a few instructions.
I knew they would understand the importance of this outing.
My dad had a favorite sushi spot that was about a mile from his house. They knew his name and what he liked to order every day of the week. Since today was Saturday, he apparently liked Pho. Seemed simple enough.
“Want to change things up and get sushi tonight?”
“Maybe. Eel does sound good tonight.”
“How about two caterpillar rolls?” Charlie moaned beside me. “Guess Charlie approves.”
We sat there for about an hour, enjoying the food and laughing.
Out of the blue, my dad looked at Charlie. “You promise to take care of my Lily for me?”
Charlie had a piece of the sushi almost to her lips when my dad asked the question. She set her food back down on the little plate. “Dad, I will never leave Lily’s side. I give you my word.”
“Good,” he said, grabbing another piece of sushi. “That’s good.”
I looked over at Charlie and noticed her normal strong features cracking. The corner of her lip was quivering. I reached over and squeezed her thigh. “Dad, guess who we saw on TV the other night?”
Charlie cleared her throat. “Yeah, really random.”
“Who? Conor McGregor?”
That was always his answer when we mentioned something about TV. He knew I was not a huge fan of him. “No,” I rolled my eyes. “Julian Moore.” At the mention of Julian’s name, my dad went still. “Didn’t you say you knew him?”
“We crossed paths, but nothing extensive.”
His answer seemed odd, but I didn’t have any reason to doubt him. “He looks yoked up now. It’s crazy how different he looks.”
“And he’s still dreamy,” Charlie purred.
I shoved at her shoulders. “Keep it together, girl.”
My dad cleared his throat. “That gym I was telling you about?” I nodded. “Julian and his brothers run the gym.”
“Oh, so you know him pretty well?”
“No, like I said, we’ve crossed paths.”
Now I knew my dad was hiding something.
Two days later…
“I’m sorry to bother you, Miss Adams. You need to come quickly, it’s your father.”
The nurse on the other end sounded sad. I bolted up from my bed and threw on a pair of leggings sitting in the middle of the floor. I turned around in a circle looking for the nearest shirt. There was one hanging on a rack. After dressing in record time, I stopped and stood there in the middle of the room. I took in a few deep breaths and let myself get mentally prepared for the drive over to the hospital.
When I left my dad for the evening, he seemed off. His blood pressure was up and down all day. His mood had gone from happy to confused in just a matter of hours. Before I left, I stopped at the nurses’ station and asked about his emotions and if what he was experiencing was normal. Apparently it was all part of the process.
My hand was wrapped around my phone when it vibrated, startling me. “Yes?”
“Lils.”
It was Charlie. “Hey, you coming over to the hospital with me?”
“I can be there in forty-five minutes.”
“Okay, hurry.”
It took me all of five minutes to get to the hospital. When I stepped into his room, the air was sucked out of me. He was hooked up to several machines, and he looked unresponsive. I turned to go find a nurse and collided with one at that moment. “Oh crap, I’m sorry.”
“Lily, I’m glad you’re here.”
“Is he awake at all?”
“Just barely. He keeps asking for you.”
“Um, okay. Thank you.”
“If you need anything, let me know.”
Turning back toward my dad, I took in a deep breath and found a way to put one foot in front of the other. As I stepped up beside him, I felt my body shake. The last several weeks had felt normal. Maybe too normal. I had let myself enjoy that and stay in the house of denial for a while. Tonight, I felt like denial was telling me to grow a pair. I needed to get with the program.
I sat down on the side of the bed and reached for his hand. “Hi, Daddy.”
He slowly opened his eyes. You could see the corners of his eyes crease as he squeezed my hand. He mumbled something. I pushed the mask to the side and leaned up next to his mouth. “I love you, baby.”
His words caught me off guard. I rested my head on his chest and continued to try to be strong. I’m not sure who I was being strong for, me or my dad?
He tapped my shoulder.
“Yeah, Dad?”
“Promise me something.”
“Anything.”
“Don’t you stop fighting for what you want.”
“I won’t, I promise.”
“Good, that’s good,” he whispered and closed his eyes.
“It’s okay, Daddy. Just let go. Mom’s waiting for you.” The words fell from my lips, but I struggled to believe them. His warm hand was holding mine tightly. Then I realized I was the only one keeping our hands clasped together.
The room began to spin, and my mind became clouded with memories from my childhood. When my dad would lift me high up in the air so I could soar like an airplane. Or the first time he took me to the gym because school had let out early, and the babysitter was not available.
I looked at his now still face and wondered how I could do this all on my own. How I was supposed to hold my promise to go pro without him by my side.
There was a click and then the door to the hospital room slowly opened. The nurse stepped in and gave me a small smile. “Lily, is it okay to come in?”
“Um, yeah,” I said, unsure of anything at the moment. Taking in a deep breath, I stood and bent down to kiss my dad’s cheek. “I love you so much.”
My dad loved the San Francisco 49ers football team. He had season tickets and never missed a game. Before leaving the room, I grabbed his lucky 49ers baseball cap and held it close to my chest. If I couldn’t have him, at least I had something that could bring me luck.
