by Aidan Wayne
“Oh yeah, quite a few,” she said. Dovid could hear the wicked grin in her voice. He immediately got worried. “First one, Marissa from London: ‘Love your channel! Are you ever going to tell us if you’re dating someone?’”
Dovid didn’t sigh aloud, but he was going to get back at Rachel for this. He had the same canned answer, but Rachel had been teasing him a lot about the fact that he was talking to Sam. “Thanks, Marissa, glad you like our show. And no, I really would like to keep that part of my life separate from YouTube. If—if I were dating someone, and I’m not saying if I am or not, I’d really want to keep that quiet, at least for a little while. It wouldn’t be fair to bring my possible datemate into my YouTube life, especially if they weren’t prepared for the fallout.” Like he’d done with Sam. “It can be really overwhelming to be a popular YouTube personality, even more so when you don’t have any experience with it. I wouldn’t want to do that to someone before they were ready.”
And it was hard sometimes. Dovid did, occasionally, talk about hookups, both the good and bad experiences. He’d had times where someone had wanted to fuck him because he was blind and it was a kink and, gross, no. He’d had people who’d been really good about working with him, so the sex was fun for everybody. He did his best to keep his channel PG-13 for his viewers, but even with that stipulation, it was important to him to share certain experiences with other people, both disabled and not. Most of his viewers really appreciated how candid he was about it.
But actually dating someone... Dovid couldn’t imagine putting someone through that. He’d had people who’d wanted to date him because he was “famous” (which was nipped in the bud pretty quickly), but he had dated a few people who, like Rachel, were camera shy. He’d actually had a breakup over it once; Dovid had gotten serious enough with Brian that he’d wanted to share his happiness with YouTube. Brian was adamant Dovid never bring him into it, and, well...a lot of things were said in the ensuing fight, and the relationship couldn’t be recovered.
That still hurt.
Dovid did end up making a video about why he was so down, but he’d been careful not to go into too much detail, instead talking about how much he hurt but that he was trying to get over it. The video had ended with him being very clear about the fact that he was probably going to keep his more serious dating life offscreen. But people still asked. They were going to.
“And Rachel knows that as well as anyone,” he added. “So while it was great to hear from you, Marissa, I’m not sure why she chose your question.”
“Because you get twenty million of those questions a day. Might as well talk about it once a livestream.”
This time Dovid did sigh. “I guess that’s a fair point.” He tried to grin. “Okay, well, next question.”
“Sergei from Russia says, ‘What is favorite movie? Many people think just because blind, I don’t watch. But you watch many thing. Me too! Sorry for my English!’”
“That’s an excellent question, Sergei. And your English is awesome. Though I’m going to be a little boring here and say I like to watch a lot of documentaries. It’s fun to learn things; I’m a big random-facts guy. And this might seem obvious, but I like movies that actually have a lot of dialogue? Action movies are sort of lost on me. ‘What happened?’ ‘Something exploded.’ ‘What happened this time?’ ‘Another thing exploded.’ ‘Why did all the things explode?’ ‘Because most people are pretty damn visual, stop interrupting the movie.’ You see my point? Next question!”
“Yuki, from Japan but currently in California, wants to tell you that she really likes Sam’s channel, and she wanted to thank you for recommending it.”
“Oh! Well, hey, thanks, Yuki. Glad you’re liking him. I hope you went ahead and let him know!” He grinned. “But I’ll be sure to pass along that information to him.”
“Whoa,” Rachel said.
“What?”
“Comments just exploded asking you about Sam.”
Oh.
Dovid hadn’t actually told YouTube that he and Sam were in contact now.
Shit, shit, shit. Why couldn’t he just be a normal human being when it came to Sam? He’d been on YouTube long enough—he should be better at this! He just...he just was happy that they were talking, and his first instinct was to share that. But not at Sam’s expense again, damn it.
“Dovid, there are a lot of questions and comments about Sam now.” And from Rachel’s tone, Dovid could tell that some of them were probably more personal than others.
Dovid cleared his throat and smiled wide. “Okay, guys, I really don’t think I’ll be able to get to all those, so I’m just going to clear a few things up now. We didn’t know each other when I plugged his channel. That’s true. And he didn’t know me when he dedicated his next video to us—that was just a thank-you for the plug. But since then, we have been talking a little, yeah. He wasn’t super sure about how to handle the sudden burst of popularity. I’ve just been giving him a little advice. But it couldn’t hurt for you guys to be nice to him! And now I think we should open the next fan mail package. What do you think, Rachel?”
“Excellent. I want to eat more.”
“Sounds like a plan to me.”
* * *
As soon as the livestream was over, even before he took off his mic or started to help clean up, Dovid was sending a message to Sam.
Dontlooknowdovid: Hey, listen, during my livestream today someone thanked me for rec’ing you on my channel, and I said I’d pass the compliment along. So uh, there’s the compliment. But it also meant that I basically told all my followers that we officially were in contact with each other, and I’m really sorry about that.
It was late for Sam now, around eleven at night, and he wasn’t expecting a response so it was a little bit jarring to have one come in. Still, by then Dovid had actually listened to some of the tweets and comments fans had left asking about Sam (or speculating about Sam) and he was glad that he’d be able to at least apologize now while things were still fresh.
Playitagainsam: ? I’m sorry, why are you sorry?
Dontlooknowdovid: You’re awake?
Dontlooknowdovid: Shit, sorry, duh, of course you’re awake if you’re talking to me.
Playitagainsam: Haha, no, you’re right, I should absolutely be asleep right now. I’m in bed! But I was reading. And oh no, I didn’t think to check your livestream channel because I thought it’d be later. I’m sorry, I could have watched!
Dontlooknowdovid: It’s totally okay. Next time! Maybe we can coordinate :)
Playitagainsam: I’d like that very much. Live a bit vicariously through you and your fan mail packages, haha.
Playitagainsam: Oh but! Sorry, you were apologizing for something and I steamrolled you completely. What’s wrong?
Dovid sighed and typed out his reply.
Dontlooknowdovid: Now that my subscribers know that we really know each other, they’re going to be worse than ever, asking us about the other.
Playitagainsam: Oh that’s alright. I really haven’t had too many questions at all. Or none that I’ve noticed.
Playitagainsam: Though I, er, I do admit that I might not be reading my YouTube comments all that thoroughly anymore. I try! And I keep an eye out for the usernames I’m used to seeing but...there’s just so many now.
Dontlooknowdovid: Fuck, I’m sorry.
Playitagainsam: You don’t have to keep apologizing! I understand. It was nice of one of your fans to mention me :)
Dovid sighed and rubbed at his face. Sam had no idea.
Dovid should probably just bite the bullet and tell him now. Better to do it as soon as he could and soften the blow, over letting Sam find out from an overenthusiastic fan.
Dontlooknowdovid: That’s not all.
Dontlooknowdovid: I mean, not all I need to tell you.
Playitagainsam: Okay.
Dont
looknowdovid: Some people think we’re dating.
Dontlooknowdovid: I mean they’re just fans! But there’s always speculation once someone mentions someone else on a channel, and I, uh, I did, talk you up like a lot and so people are taking all the ‘adorable’ comments and running with them.
Dontlooknowdovid: I’m so, so sorry.
* * *
Sam blinked down at his phone. It was certainly surprising to learn that someone on the internet would come to the conclusion that he was dating Dovid. Even though he was in bloody Ireland but...long distance was a thing, after all. However, if anything, it only made Sam feel bad that Dovid felt bad. It wasn’t Dovid’s fault that people liked to let their imaginations get the better of them.
Besides, Sam had burned through an awful lot of Dovid’s videos at this point. That, coupled with their much-more-frequent conversations, well...
Sam’s little crush had definitely solidified. He had to admit that he would not be opposed to dating Dovid.
And he’d already taken much too long to reply, so he hurriedly tapped out a message and sent it.
Playitagainsam: I’m the one who’s sorry. I don’t want you to feel responsible for that. People will think what they think. It’s not like I mind.
He stared at the words he’d just sent for Dovid to read. “It’s not like I mind”? Really, Sam?
Dontlooknowdovid: You really don’t mind?
This was getting into dangerous territory here. Sam tried to be honest without giving too much away.
Playitagainsam: Of course not. You seem like a wonderful person. Anyone would be lucky to date you, I’m sure.
This time there was a significant pause. The little “...”s by Dovid’s username appeared and disappeared half a dozen times before the reply came.
Dontlooknowdovid: Wow.
Dontlooknowdovid: Um.
Dontlooknowdovid: Thank you.
Dontlooknowdovid: I really—sorry, thank you. I don’t know what to say.
Playitagainsam: You don’t have to say anything. It’s a compliment :)
That was okay to say, right? And a smiley face emoticon was okay to use too, right? Right? Oh dear, Sam had very little experience with talking to someone like this. At least Dovid didn’t seem like the type to get mad if Sam said the wrong thing.
Dontlooknowdovid: Hahaha, okay, okay. I’ll take the compliment. Thank you. I mean it. Means a lot, coming from you.
Sam swallowed. Seeing those words made him come up all warm.
Playitagainsam: Oh, I’m nobody special.
Because he wasn’t. Dovid was this amazing (and, well, very handsome) YouTube sensation. He was a voice for disabled and differently-abled people, incredibly clever, obviously kind, and such a special person. Sam was a nobody. He didn’t have an interesting career or do anything all that exciting. He was terrible when it came to human interaction because he was so shy and it was, frankly, incredible that he was even able to cope with his sudden popularity. That he was able to at all was all because of Dovid and his advice and willingness to be an ear for Sam to talk to.
Dontlooknowdovid: You’re kidding, right?
Sam frowned in confusion.
Playitagainsam: Sorry, what do you mean?
Dontlooknowdovid: I know we haven’t really been talking to each other for a long time, but I’ve also listened to you be you in all your videos. You’re like the nicest person I’ve ever had the fortune to interact with. Of course you’re special. I don’t—I wasn’t kidding. About it meaning something to me, that you think I’d be worth dating.
Dontlooknowdovid: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to go all weird on you. I just, uh, I had a breakup a while ago that still sort of smarts. So it’s...nice. To be told that I’m worth it by someone whose opinions I really respect. I mean Rachel counts, but she’s also my sister and best friend; she’s pretty much required to take my side. You don’t have to. But you did anyway.
Dovid respected his opinion? That much? About something like this? Just from Sam’s silly videos?
Wow.
Playitagainsam: I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. That it’s still bothering you, whatever happened. You ARE a lovely person. And you do deserve somebody special who knows that.
Dontlooknowdovid: Thank you.
Playitagainsam: And I’m so sorry to cut things short, but I really should be trying to go to bed. Early morning.
Dontlooknowdovid: Right, of course. Because you’ve got that real-person job.
Playitagainsam: Unfortunately.
He wished he could take back the word as soon as he pressed enter. He might be unhappy with his job, and even sometimes mentioned it in videos, but talking to Dovid was mostly about positives. So he didn’t like being reminded, after a lovely conversation, that he had to go back to work.
He was a little envious of Dovid, being able to just...do something he loved so much. Sam couldn’t even imagine that.
Dontlooknowdovid: Okay, well, have a good night, okay? And a good tomorrow.
Dontlooknowdovid: And I’ll talk to you later?
Playitagainsam: Sure :)
Dontlooknowdovid: Sleep well.
Sam wished Dovid a good rest of his own day and lay back in bed, letting out a breath. He hoped he hadn’t gotten too personal for Dovid, with his own feelings. But there they were, and none too easy to ignore.
And Dovid absolutely did deserve someone special. He was kind, smart, funny, handsome and so much more.
Sam set his phone down on his nightstand, closed his eyes, and tried to will himself to sleep and to not think about how much he sort of wanted to be that special someone.
Chapter Six
Dovid and Sam continued to talk about any number of things over the next two months. They watched each other’s videos and commented on them, and sometimes Sam would ask for advice and Dovid would give it, or he’d have an interesting story to tell. Sometimes Dovid was the one with the story, or he’d bring up a subject and Sam would happily discuss. They kept on exchanging book recommendations, occasionally even deciding to start one at the same time, so they could discuss it and predict as they read chapters.
Sam really looked forward to his conversations with Dovid. And he didn’t know how Dovid felt in turn, but the man initiated at least as many of them as Sam did so there was something to be said for that. He hoped.
They hadn’t really touched on the dating topic again, but that was okay with Sam. If Dovid didn’t want to bring it up, he absolutely shouldn’t have to. And alright, there was the occasional fan speculation about their relationship, but Dovid always played it off easily, with confidence and humor. Sam, to his credit, wasn’t too awkward about it either; just said that he and Dovid were friends now, and that was that.
Even if he wanted more, well, they were, if nothing else, separated by the entire Atlantic ocean. And besides, Dovid could do so much better than Sam, for a partner. Sam’s mother always despaired over Sam ever finding someone who’d be willing to put up with his neediness and silly little quirks. Not like his brother, Charlie, who was happily married to a wonderful woman he’d met in med school.
Sam would never want to impose on anyone and make them feel as though they were responsible for him, least of all Dovid, who he liked and admired so much. But, he thought, they were doing rather well as friends. And he hoped that, at least, would continue for quite some time.
He was walking home from his grocery store now, idly listening to some music, and looking forward to talking to Dovid when he got home. They’d pretty much figured out when were the best times to have conversations, with the time difference and their schedules. Seven o’clock for Sam, home from work and finished with errands that needed him out of the house, was eleven in the morning for Dovid. After he had breakfast and exercised, but usually before he and Rachel did any filming or started editing together, barring speci
fic plans. It was thrilling that Dovid kept making time for him.
The crosswalk light turned green, and Sam stepped into the street.
He didn’t see the car come barreling out of nowhere.
* * *
It was about eleven-fifteen, the time Sam was usually around to DM without it being too early for him (while he was at work). Dovid really looked forward to eleven-fifteen now.
Dontlooknowdovid: Hey, Sam! Just wondering how your day went.
He sent the message off and then went back to what he had been doing. It usually took a few minutes for Sam to get onto Twitter, even if he’d been very regular about it for the last couple of weeks.
After about an hour though, and no response, Dovid sent another message, just to be sure.
Dontlooknowdovid: Hey, I’m going out filming now so my phones going to be off, but just say hi whenever you’ve got the chance :)
* * *
Dovid went to check his DMs again, even though he knew there would be nothing. His phone hadn’t made a sound. But it had been a full day, and he and Sam had been talking so regularly, it was hard to suddenly lack him.
* * *
Dontlooknowdovid: Hey, Sam! Just wanted to know how you’re doing. Almost finished with The Trident Test. I can’t believe the bait and switch the author pulled in chapter 19. Looking forward to talking about it with you :)
* * *
Dontlooknowdovid: Hey, Sam, haven’t heard from you in a couple of days. Hope things are going well!
* * *
