by Beth Wiseman
She rolled onto her back and stared into the darkness. No matter which way she spun it, that wasn’t how God worked. And the more time she spent with Joseph, Lydia, and Samuel, the more she wanted to be honest with them.
* * *
Saturday morning, Lydia eased out of Samuel’s arms when she heard Mattie cooing from her crib. Not only had falling asleep as they cuddled become the norm but waking in his arms each morning gave her hope they were moving in the right direction, even beyond the positive strides they’d made emotionally. She was physically attracted to her husband, and she wanted to show him how much she loved him. When she tried to analyze what was holding her back, though, she realized her hesitancy was multifold.
At the beginning of their marriage, Samuel had seemed, at the very least, frustrated when she didn’t want to make love. But now he seemed content just to hold her in his arms, and that was confusing. Maybe he didn’t find her attractive anymore. But maybe he could sense she needed more time. Either way, if they were going to have six children, something had to change.
Although she longed to feel his touch, she was still so inexperienced. What if he was disappointed in her?
As she stepped into her slippers and tiptoed out of the bedroom, she silently asked God for help with her last concern—how to continue shedding the shame she’d worked hard to get past. Most of it was gone, but not all.
“Wie bischt, mei precious boppli.” She lifted Mattie and snuggled with her, then laid her back down to change her diaper. Lydia thought again about the kind of love that came with motherhood. It was different from the love she had for her parents and sister and even for her husband. And she only had to look at Samuel to see he had that same kind of love for their daughter. It was the one emotion they shared without question, fear, or hesitation. The relationship she sought with Samuel wasn’t the same as her bond with Mattie, but in her heart, a bond just as strong was what she wanted.
* * *
Samuel opened his eyes, then sat up and stretched. It was hot in the bedroom even though they’d slept with the windows open and fans were blowing full force on each nightstand. He swung his feet over the side of the bed as he recalled Lydia snuggling up to him the night before, the way she’d been doing recently. Even though they were covered with only a light sheet, her body heat made it hard for him to fall asleep. He wasn’t about to tell her that, though. It felt like they were working their way to each other, however small the steps, and Samuel didn’t want to jeopardize what he hoped was progress. Even if it meant a few sweaty nights. August would be behind them soon enough.
Yawning, he got dressed and found Lydia in the kitchen holding a bottle under warm water. He wondered if she had any idea how beautiful she was, even in the morning, standing in her robe, her hair matted in long tresses down her back. She was the same woman, doing the same things she’d always done, but Samuel was still seeing her in a new way. He had to wonder if he was falling in love with his wife.
“Wie bischt.” On the way to the percolator, he slowed his stride to lean down and kiss Mattie, who was impatiently waving her arms in her high chair.
“Good morning.” Lydia smiled at him as she lowered the bottle into Mattie’s eager hands. “I’m so glad Mattie isn’t having as much trouble with teething.”
Samuel nodded. “Ya, the stuff Beverly gave you is working well.” He filled his cup and sat down at the table. “I-I thought maybe we could take Mattie to the zoo since we both want to go, but it might be too hot for her, and it’s Labor Day weekend.”
“Ya, you’re probably right. It will be too hot and crowded.” Lydia opened the refrigerator and took out a carton of eggs, which reminded Samuel that he needed to work on the chicken coop. A raccoon or some other critter had been ripping away at the wire, and if he didn’t secure it, they would lose some hens.
He’d rather go to the zoo, but maybe he would try to connect with his wife on another level. “Joseph is all ab im kopp about Beverly.” He took a sip from his cup. Joseph seemed to want what he thought Samuel had. If his friend only knew how much Samuel longed to make Joseph’s assumptions a reality. Maybe a conversation about another couple with Lydia would lead into a discussion about them.
“Ya, and she seems equally as smitten with him. When we were at the library, she told me they were going on a picnic today.”
“Ya. He told me about the picnic too.”
Samuel hadn’t said much after that trip, only reiterated what he believed to be true—that Margaret might be dangerous. His wife didn’t see it that way. Samuel was hoping she’d let it go since she and Beverly hadn’t been able to learn anything new about the old woman. Samuel knew he could be wrong about Margaret, but he didn’t want to take any chances. He didn’t want to be overbearing, but his role in life had changed. He had to protect his family.
“It seems hot for a picnic.” Samuel wished he could save up for an aboveground pool, but his parents’ financial needs weren’t going to change, so it wasn’t going to happen. At least not anytime soon.
“Ya, I agree.” Lydia started frying bacon, then cracked eggs into a bowl.
Samuel would love to give Lydia and Mattie a pool. They’d all enjoy it during the summer months. He decided to tell her his plans. Maybe it would give her something to look forward to.
“Did you see the pool the Lambrights put up at the beginning of the summer?” Samuel pictured him and Lydia in the pool with Mattie, and when Lydia smiled, he prayed he could turn that vision into a reality.
“Ya, I did see it.” She took a paper towel and dabbed sweat from her forehead, “They’re very expensive, though.”
“I want to get one for us as soon as I can.”
Lydia stopped flipping the bacon and turned around. “Really?” A smile filled her face as her eyes brightened. Samuel decided right then and there that he would get the pool even if he had to take on a second job. “I had no idea you’d like to have a pool too. Maybe I can get back to knitting potholders and putting together cookbooks. They seemed to sell well when I placed them on consignment at some of the shops nearby.”
Samuel liked the idea of working toward a goal together. “That would be great.” His wife had a full schedule, though. “But only if you have time.”
She chuckled before she turned around and flipped another slice of bacon. “I’ll make the time if it means we might be able to get a pool.”
An excitement in her voice warmed Samuel’s heart. Getting a second job wasn’t realistic, but maybe he could ask for a few extra hours at work.
“As for Beverly and Joseph, I’m sure they’d rather be alone today, but we could ask if they want to come here instead.” She looked over her shoulder at him, grinning. “We don’t have a pool, but time inside the haus would be cooler than time out in the sun.”
“Nee. Joseph said he really wants to be alone with her.”
Samuel wanted to tell her he wanted to spend time alone with her too. Even though they had time by themselves after Mattie was asleep, they were usually too tired to do much talking. Maybe they needed a date—even today. He sipped on his coffee as he considered the possibilities. He couldn’t ask his parents to babysit when they were down with health issues. Maybe Lydia’s sister and her husband would do it. Mary and Levi loved Mattie. But they didn’t keep their phones turned on because Levi was from a strict Old Order district much more conservative than the folks in Montgomery were. So even if Samuel thought of a place to take Lydia, a place he could afford, it was too far to travel to their house in Shoals not knowing if they were even home. And Lydia’s parents liked to keep their Saturdays free.
Samuel also needed to check on his parents today. Lydia had been going over there most mornings, and she’d been able to do some cleaning. His mother had balked at first, but eventually she gave in. His parents were constantly on his mind. He still stopped by most evenings on his way home from work, but it gave him comfort that Lydia checked on them so often.
They’d definitely settled into a m
arried routine, one that presented some challenges. But he appreciated that family was as important to Lydia as it was to him. Tending to those they loved was a part of their routine that worked well.
Only one thing was missing, but it was more than just a physical relationship. It was the uniting of two people into one. That was what a marriage was supposed to be. How could he and Lydia find that? Why had he let things go on like this for so long? He wanted a wife in every sense of the word. There had to be a way to connect with Lydia without pushing her away. He just didn’t know what it was. They were trapped in the life they’d made for each other, and a certain loneliness had settled in. But now that they were growing in their emotional relationship, maybe other areas would improve as well.
He turned his thoughts to Joseph and Beverly. Were they actually going to have a picnic alone in the sweltering heat, or had Joseph wised up and decided to take Beverly somewhere with more pleasant temperatures? Samuel would hear all about it at work. He’d listen with genuine interest, then detail his own weekend, which would probably include repairs to the chicken coop and possibly a fresh coat of paint on the barn door. Along with a whole lot of sweating.
* * *
As Beverly waited at Gasthof Village for Joseph to pick her up, she was nervous for several reasons. When he arrived, she repositioned Susan on her hip as he tethered his horse, then walked toward her.
“Mei schweschder has to work again today, and her husband is down with a bad cold. Do you mind if we take Susan with us?”
When Joseph got close enough, Susan practically jumped into his arms, which made both him and Beverly chuckle. “I do believe your niece likes me.”
“Kinner have a way of knowing if a person is gut.” She recalled the way both Mattie and Susan cried when they saw Margaret, but Beverly thought the babies were just feeling the tension in the air between the adults.
“I have a confession to make.” Joseph handed Susan back to Beverly when the baby stretched out her arms. “I know I said I’d pick up fried chicken and supply the food for today, but I started thinking it might be too hot for a picnic. I booked us a reservation at the French Lick Winery.” He grinned. “Not for wine. They have a nice restaurant there. I have a driver coming to pick us up. From there, I thought we could ride the train.” He cringed a little. “I only bought two adult tickets, though, and the rest are sold out, probably because it’s Labor Day weekend. I didn’t ask about a child’s ticket.”
Beverly had heard about the restaurant inside the winery. She’d always wanted to go there, but it was expensive. And she hadn’t been on the train ride since she was a kid, but she remembered the tunnel and traveling in total darkness for a stretch. Lots of girls she knew had their first kiss in the tunnel. “Ach, those sound like such wunderbaar plans.” Beverly’s mind was awhirl. Her parents were at an auction, so they couldn’t babysit Susan.
“You know how much I love being around your niece. I just didn’t think you’d have her today.”
Beverly sighed. “I wasn’t supposed to, but Anna got called into work unexpectedly when a coworker didn’t show up.”
“Samuel said he and Lydia didn’t have any plans this weekend. Maybe they would watch Susan since she and Mattie play gut together.” Joseph paused and grinned. “We could even return the favor and offer to sit with Mattie some Saturday so they can go on a date. You can even bring Susan for Mattie to play with. Samuel said they never get to go out alone.”
“I’ll call Lydia. Hopefully she’ll pick up her cell phone.”
A few minutes later, Lydia and Samuel had agreed for them to drop off Susan so Beverly and Joseph could proceed with what sounded like a wonderful chance for romance. Beverly was eager to see what Joseph had in mind.
* * *
Joseph wished he’d known Beverly would have her niece today. He loved being around Susan, but he would have planned something different to include the baby. Maybe even going to the water park in French Lick, although it would be overly crowded on this holiday weekend. It was a blessing that Lydia and Samuel agreed to keep Susan. He was able to get a reservation at the winery only because a couple had canceled. Being there wouldn’t be time with just the two of them like he’d originally planned, but his father was right. It was too hot for a picnic, and maybe a little romantic flair would win him some points.
Mr. Jenkins—the driver Joseph’s family used—took them to drop off Susan at Samuel and Lydia’s and then to the French Lick Winery, where they saw plenty of Englisch in the restaurant.
Joseph thought he might fall out of his chair when he saw the prices on the menu. He said a silent prayer, asking God to please have Beverly order the pizza, not the lobster ravioli.
“This is so fancy.” Beverly leaned over the table and spoke in a whisper. “Are you sure about this?”
Joseph sat taller. “Of course. I want this to be your special day.”
Beverly glowed as the fringe of her dark lashes cast shadows on her cheeks. “Our special day,” she said.
Smiling, he could feel Englisch eyes on them, coming from every angle, but he didn’t care if they were the only Amish people there. And when Beverly suggested they split a pizza, Joseph thanked the Lord.
“This is the best pizza I’ve ever had.” Beverly dabbed at her mouth with her napkin.
Joseph wasn’t sure half of this pizza would fill him up, but it was tasty. “Ya, I agree.”
“Danki for bringing me here. I’ve been looking forward to today. A picnic would have been okay with me, too, but this is so much nicer.”
“I still think it would have been too hot.” Joseph wouldn’t have cared as much, but he wanted this to be the best date she’d ever been on. His parents might not approve of this fancy place, but Joseph had a little money saved. “Samuel told me you and Lydia met at the Bedford library to do research on that old woman.”
“Ya, but we didn’t learn anything new. It’s just hard to understand how a person gets like that, especially since Samuel’s parents told him and Lydia that Margaret has a haus and led a normal life until her parents were killed and then her schweschder took off.” She shook her head. “It’s just sad. But maybe we can help her.”
“How? She doesn’t seem to want any help.” Joseph agreed with Samuel that it was best to leave well enough alone. The woman was surviving somehow. But he wasn’t in a position to tell Beverly what to do.
“Maybe no one has tried hard enough.” Beverly frowned.
Joseph wanted to keep a smile on her face, and he would throw caution to the wind to do it. “You, um . . . look really pretty today.” He paused. “I mean, you always look pretty. I mean . . . you’re like the prettiest woman I’ve ever known.” He silently told himself to hush up. Telling her once would have been enough.
“Danki.” Her expression lit up with a smile, so Joseph assumed he was still in the game.
After they finished their pizza and declined dessert, they fell into an easy conversation about their childhoods, and Joseph quit worrying about whether Beverly was having a good time. He could tell she was—until her eyes widened and she gasped.
Her gaze was focused on an Englisch couple eating a few tables to their right. A small child was with them. Then Beverly’s gaze fell to her lap as she scooted her chair back and grabbed her purse. “I-I need to go to the restroom. Can I just meet you at the entrance when I leave the restroom?”
“Uh, ya. Sure.”
She rose quickly, tucked her head, and didn’t look back. Not even when the man at the table called out her name. When Beverly didn’t turn around, the guy went back to his meal.
Whoever the fellow was, Beverly had clearly wanted to avoid him.
Joseph paid the check and did as she asked. He waited by the entrance.
When she returned, she brushed past him and out the door. “I’m ready for the train ride,” she said over her shoulder, grinning.
He forced a smile. Perhaps that was true, but Beverly was also clearly avoiding the couple in the restaura
nt. He wanted to ask her about it, but he decided against it. She’d tell him if she wanted to. They’d had too nice of a time so far to mess it up. And Samuel had told him about the dark tunnel the train went through—known as the kissing tunnel. Joseph was working up his nerve.
Chapter 10
Samuel was heating his food in the break room on Tuesday when Joseph rushed in and sat down at the table. Because the store had been closed on Labor Day, it was the first time he’d seen his friend since Saturday.
“I’m going to marry Beverly Schrock.” He flashed his toothy grin and gave Samuel a quick nod.
“The date went gut, ya?” Samuel took his bowl of chicken and dumpling soup to the table and sat down.
Joseph nodded, still smiling. “Ya, it was wunderbaar.”
“And the train ride?” Samuel raised an eyebrow before he dipped his spoon into his bowl.
Chuckling, Joseph stood and retrieved a bag from the refrigerator. “Now, mei friend, I can’t kiss and tell.” He sat down again and took a sandwich out of the bag.
“I think you just did.” Samuel was happy for Joseph, but it made him long to kiss Lydia in a way that made his stomach swirl. Maybe they’d have that chance, an opportunity to squeeze some romance into their lives next weekend. “Danki for offering to watch Mattie this Saturday. Lydia is looking forward to a night out by ourselves.” At least, he hoped so. She’d seemed excited when Beverly made the offer after she and Joseph returned to pick up Susan last Saturday.
Joseph finished chewing the bite in his mouth. “Ya, that was mei idea.” His face split into a wide grin. “It’s another opportunity for me to spend time with Beverly, even if it is with two bopplis. It’ll be gut practice for those ten kinner we’re going to have someday.”
