by K. G. Duncan
“Hey fart-knocker. I want to show you something,” Abby suddenly announced when Olivia finally paused to catch her breath.
“You what?” Olivia replied as she used her stick to whack some unlucky rushes that were growing alongside their trail.
Abby breathed in once before responding with great articulation and precision, “I said that I wanted to show you something. Here, let’s sit for a bit.” Abby gestured at a large log off to their right which lay across a sandy patch of soil. It was broad and sturdy, recently fallen, and yet to be overgrown with weeds or moss or fungi.
Olivia eyed their impromptu bench with suspicion. “Looks like the home to all manner of creepy-crawlies. You ever get a chigger up under your drawers? Not a pleasant experience.” Olivia grimaced and rubbed her thighs with comedic intensity.
Abby laughed, then replied, “Relax. I think we’re fine with this one. It hasn’t been down long enough to fester.” She sat down and patted the surface of the log next to her. Olivia followed, slowly and reluctantly, finally sitting after a lengthy inspection.
“Now, what I want to show you requires your silence,” Abby began. “Is it possible for you to stop yapping for a few minutes?”
“Yapping? I’m yapping?” Olivia scowled in mock indignation. “So, I’m just one of those annoying little froo-froo dogs, now, all yapping and carrying on? Is that what you think of me?”
“Actually,” Abby continued calmly, “It is the human being who is the primary violator of nature’s balance. And you, my friend, are a human being! Now, let’s do a little experiment.” Abby scooched around so that she was straddling the log and facing Olivia, crossed her legs and rested her hands, open-palmed like a buddha across her knees. “Strike the pose!”
Olivia snickered and followed suit. A few moments passed as Abby watched Olivia squirm and shift her leg alignment three times before settling on the right ankle on top of her left. She imitated Abby’s pose then looked back at her in expectation.
“Now,” Abby began. “I want you to breathe deeply and close your eyes.” Olivia complied. “Good… Continue to breathe deeply. In through your nose and out through your mouth.” Abby closed her eyes and demonstrated. Then she peeked her left eye open and asked, “You must be silent for a bit while I talk and guide you through this. Can you do that for me?”
Olivia opened her eyes and replied, “Yes!” Then she stuck her tongue out before closing her eyes again. Abby chuckled, and together, they started breathing.
As they breathed, Abby gathered her thoughts for a few moments. Another thing the dragon inside of her had given her was the ability to think very deeply and to articulate her thoughts, which anyone who spent a lot of time around Abby could tell you. You may have already noticed this, but Abby didn’t speak like an ordinary 11-year-old child. She used words and sentence structures that most adults with college degrees might not be able to put together. And she had been doing this for years. Her momma thought she was touched by angels and the divine. Her friend, Olivia thought she was cool. Other kids at school and around the neighborhood just thought she was a freak. But some of her teachers had started to notice. There had even been talk of accelerating her and skipping a grade or two. When asked about it by a school counselor, Abby simply said, “I like to read,” to which the counselor had actually replied, “Well, bless your heart.” Really. She did!
Abby smiled at the memory, then took a few more deep breaths on her log before peeking open her eye one more time to make sure that Olivia was in a proper meditative position. Her friend was sitting erect, eyes closed, and grinning like the Mona Lisa. Abby nodded and then continued.
“Let us talk to the Mother, who is this Earth. First and foremost, we must find in our minds a place of solitude, which is not so easy to find in the electric hubbub of the city or in a small town like Houma, or even out here in the bayou. But it’s easier out here, and that’s because there are not so many other people. Yes, that’s the main thing. It’s all those other people that carry on with all sorts of activity and industry that, when you put it all together, it adds up to an ever-present and veritable din.”
“Veritable din,” Olivia repeated in an awed voice. “I want to name my next cat Vera Tippleton.” She snickered and snorted.
“You hush!” Abby scolded with a smile. “My point is that there’s always too much noise, and you, my dear, are proving the point. Now, don’t interrupt! Please.”
“Yes ma’am,” Olivia responded, still smiling.
Abby breathed in deeply a few more times before continuing. “Out here in the bayou, it is peaceful. Back in town it’s all noise. Oh, you can forget it’s there, all right, when you live in and among the noise all your life, and I guess you can just get used to it. But it’s there, even when you think it’s quiet. You might not ever even know the difference between city quiet and deep country quiet until you find yourself out here, in the wilderness—away from all those other people with their chatterbox children, their machines and vehicles and their humming current—it’s not until you find a true deep country woods that you realize its absence. And that is solitude.”
“Excuse me?” Olivia opened her eyes and interrupted. “Is this the lecture series? I only signed up for the three-minute session.”
Abby ignored her and continued. “Now solitude comes in two types: there is physical or geographical solitude, which is a rather easy thing to understand. You’re alone—nobody else around—and that’s a fine thing to discover by walking out the screen door, stepping off the back stoop and just walking into the woods, or the swamp, or the fields.”
“Yes, indeed,” Olivia murmured.
“Yes, indeed,” Abby echoed, “For we are indeed blessed to have our homes so close to nature. One can find such solitude within moments and just a few steps away. I am often so inclined to find such aloneness because with that there also comes unique state-of-mind kind of solitude. This is the second kind of solitude, one which is often feared or misunderstood by those not accustomed to its benefits. So, a point of clarification might be in order: Wanting to be alone doesn’t mean you are lonely—that’s just a simple conflation or mixing up of two very different concepts.”
“They are not the same thing!” Olivia interrupted. “I like being alone sometimes—Yes, ma’am. It helps me think about things and clear my mind without distraction. I like being alone. And that’s not the same thing as being lonely. Now, my momma is lonely—ever since my pa went away. She’s just sad.”
Olivia stopped talking suddenly, and there was an awkward silence. She and Abby opened their eyes and stared at each other. After a while, Olivia smiled, and Abby smiled back, letting out a deep breath.
“That’s exactly right,” Abby said softly. “Loneliness is a feeling of sadness—when you feel that you are not loved. And you can be in a room full of people or a city filled with millions and still feel lonely. But you would definitely not be alone. Yes, being alone means physical separation and isolation—which is not everybody’s preference, admittedly, but being alone like that doesn’t mean you feel lonely. I kind of like my quiet self.”
Abby reached over and brushed a stray auburn curl from Olivia’s face.
Olivia grinned back at Abby, then spoke teasingly, “You’re not gonna try to kiss me, or anything like that, are ya? I mean, I like you, but it’s not like that…”
She laughed suddenly, a deep, unapologetic chortle—well, more like a donkey’s braying, and Abby had to join in too until tears were streaming down both their cheeks. Olivia was like that. There wasn’t another person in this world that could make Abby laugh like Olivia.
They wiped away the tears, resumed their meditative positions, and Olivia finally managed to speak again.
“Now let’s get on with this holy nature sermon. You had something that you wanted to show me, right?”
“Right!” Abby replied eagerly. “You are the master of si
de-tracking distraction. Which is precisely why I want to show you this. Now, try to relax yourself.” Abby closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. “Breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth, slowly.”
Olivia followed suit, her inhalations and exhalations audible and strong.
“That’s it,” Abby said quietly. “With the breath comes clarity and focus. It is into such a state of clarity and focus that I would now like to bring you. Breathe deeply in… and slowly let it out. Breathe in… and out. Breathe in… and out. There is nothing else.” Both girls sat quietly facing each other, cross-legged in Buddha pose, completely still but for their breath.
After a minute or so, it was only their breathing that moved like ripples on water between them. They had returned to the quiet state-of-mind kind of solitude.
Clarity and focus. Abby found herself in a deeply meditative state, accompanied by a heightened awareness throughout all of her senses. Now, the dragon inside of Abby knew this intimately, for it was permanently in a heightened state of awareness. Abby was only beginning to understand this, for the human mind was always so busy and full of clutter.
State-of-the-mind solitude. The dragon inside knew that it could open you up to the myriad of mysterious things that existed just below the surface, where nature’s equilibrium was restored to balance.
After some time had passed, Abby spoke again, softly, “Do you feel it? The breath has guided us to a place of quiet. We are far from our iPhones and high frequency devices. Far from the constant buzzing and the great electronic hum. We are sitting here, and we are just breathing.
Abby sat quietly for a moment; she could hear Olivia breathing deeply, in sync with her own in-and-out rhythm. “Now,” she continued, “I want you to reach out with your senses. Extend them beyond your body, beyond your mind.”
“Can you hear the trees moan and creak at each other?” Abby asked in barely a whisper. “Right here, right now. Can you smell the rain coming? Reach out, slowly. Feel the rabbit squatting still and unseen amongst the briars…”
“Yes, he’s there,” Olivia said in a hushed voice filled with awe. “I feel him.”
“We are not alone. Ever.” Abby spoke in a soft but clear voice. “Right now, where everything is alive and all-around-you so weird and wonderful. Olivia… open your eyes.”
Olivia did so, and she blinked back at Abby, who was pointing down and looking at the path beside them. Olivia slowly turned to see a blue-bellied lizard that had scampered on to a warm sandy patch in the sun. Then the most curious of things—the lizard began to do push-ups. Up down. Up down. Up down. Quick little bursts of movement that were like magic, for each time he went up, the blue of his belly would flash in the sun, and his push-ups became a strobe effect.
Up down. Up down. Flash! Flash! Flash!
Within a few moments, another lizard, this one grey and mottled brown, scurried out of the brush and cozied up to the flasher. The two touched noses then, as if some silent accord had been reached, they turned together and scampered away, side by side.
Olivia chortled and exclaimed, “What in tarnation?”
Abby laughed then said, “Didn’t you know? That’s how the little fella calls his lady friend. They’ve gone off to make little baby lizards, no doubt.”
“Well, I’ve never seen such a thing,” Olivia replied in wonder.
“One of the benefits of State-of-the-mind solitude,” Abby said happily. “There’s all manner of things that can come to you unbidden, free and easy. I like to savor them and hold on to them.”
“Like butterscotch on top of vanilla ice cream!” Olivia joyfully proclaimed. “I like to eat it real slow.” She paused as Abby eyed her suspiciously. “What? It’s what come to me, unbidden,” she continued somewhat unconvincingly.
Abby leaned in, almost touching foreheads, and they both laughed.
“Exactly, I guess!” Abby said. “Just like that.”
Olivia frowned at her then spoke very briskly, “Well, all I’m saying is that if that is not one of your favorite things, then it most certainly should be!”
“Indubitably!” Abby announced with a smile.
“In doubly dubitably!” Olivia replied, and they both shrieked with laughter.
When their fits had subsided, Olivia suddenly grabbed Abby’s arm and pulled her up standing. “Oh, what else? What else?” She asked, closing her eyes and breathing in deeply. “Let’s be still again and see what happens.”
Olivia was facing Abby and held firmly on to her hands—too long for Abby’s comfort. Olivia popped open her eyes when Abby slipped her hands away from Olivia’s.
There was an awkward tense moment as the two sat staring at each other, Abby slowly rubbing her arms.
“I’m so sorry,” Olivia began. “I…I forgot that you don’t like to be touched.”
Abby’s heart was beating quickly, fluttering, actually. There it was again. The unbearable weight of her dragon secret. Abby so desperately wanted to tell someone like Olivia everything that was going on with her. Here she was, five years after the tornado, on a path in the bayou with her best friend, and she didn’t even know how to begin.
While Olivia had been holding her hands, Abby caught glimpses of her friend’s stream of thought. Spaghetti and meatballs sounded real good for dinner… kickball a few days ago with the head of Ms. Tully, their sixth grade math teacher, in place of the ball—it felt so good to kick it hard… a memory from when Olivia was much younger, of lying in bed at night, listening to her mom sobbing quietly in the next room, then suddenly her father’ face through the window of his pick-up truck, the vehicle slowly backing away… and of course, hot butterscotch dripping from a spoon of vanilla ice cream…
These thought streams always came to Abby unbidden, raw and all jumbled up like a thousand bits of different stories. Olivia’s thoughts were usually about food or downright funny, but lately there was always something sad. These latest bits were no different.
How could any person focus on a conscious thought with so much racing around in their heads? Abby found it immensely disorienting and disturbing to the rational mind. But to the dragon inside, this was just what it meant to be open and in tune with the world around her. And, if she dared, what it was like to touch someone else’s mind. The dragon didn’t think it strange or unusual in the least bit. The problem was that the little girl part of Abby had no idea how to control it when it happened. And nobody, especially the dragon, ever told her where certain boundaries might be or just how extraordinary it all was.
Abby stared deeply back into the concerned eyes of her best friend. How do you tell someone like that that there is nothing you already don’t know about them? How do you explain the things you have already seen, the things that you know are coming but have yet to happen? Should she tell Olivia—whom she already knew was the purest soul and the most loyal friend that she would ever know—that she would live to be over 100 years old and have dozens of glorious grandchildren and great grandchildren (Well, in most of the futures she had caught a glimpse of)? Should she tell her that she loved and admired her so much because she was a person who would always come to the aid of the weak, the marginalized, the bullied, the wronged, the fallen and the frightened, because that was who she was and who she would always be in this lifetime and countless others? How do you tell someone all of that? How would you explain it to them and also convince them that you weren’t crazy?
“It’s okay,” Abby finally said, smiling and then picking up Olivia’s walking stick and handing it back to her. “Don’t you worry about it. It’s just my thing. One of these days I will tell you everything.” Abby closed her eyes, and yes, of this she was certain. Olivia would remain her friend even if she told her everything—all of her secrets. There was no pathway where Olivia would not understand or accept her for what she was.
Abby opened her eyes and Olivia was smiling at her.<
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“You promise?” Olivia asked half teasing.
“I promise.” Abby nodded and let out a deep breath. “One day I will tell you all about the dragon.”
“The dragon?” Olivia asked all scrunchy-faced once again.
Abby chuckled, then responded, “It’s part of my secret. My spirit animal. It will explain a lot… well, everything. I will tell you all about my dragon.”
Olivia piped in, “So you’ve got a dragon spirit animal, like a totem? Does it live inside of you?”
“That’s right,” Abby answered. And I will tell you everything. But not today. I will find the right time… and it will be soon.”
“That’s cool,” Olivia said smiling slightly. “I know you will.”
Abby raised an eyebrow and quipped, “And I know you know that I will.”
“And now I know that you know I know that you know that I know you will.” Olivia and Abby both laughed at that.
Abby closed her eyes and tilted back her head. “Too many knows… Now, where were we?”
Olivia closed her eyes and did the same, rocking gently back and forth, smiling. “We were about to explore the wonders of solitude.”
“Ah, yes,” Abby whispered as they both grew still and silent. The wind hushed through the cypress trees. Something plopped out in the middle of the water. The two breathed in deeply, nerves alive with anticipation.
Then the spell was broken, shattered by the hum of a motor boat off in the distance. This was soon followed by a loud chorus of voices emerging on the other side of the lake, a troop of hikers stomping down the trail, gabbing and guffawing like a band of drunken gypsies.
The girls opened their eyes and stared back at each other.
“Other people,” Olivia muttered sadly.
“Human beings,” Abby nodded. “The worst violators of nature’s equilibrium.”
