‘I think I allowed you to see me only one way, Hippo. I don’t know why that is. I know that if you love someone you’re supposed to let your guard down in front of them. I did a bit with you, but never completely. I was always afraid that if you saw the real me, you’d stop loving me.
‘I was a fool. I still am. A dying fool who can’t tell his wife how much he loves her without a screen to separate us. And who’s now telling her after he’s dead. You know, part of me still really wants to go on the trip with you, Hippo. Part of me thinks that I could drive a little bit of the way so I wouldn’t be a total burden. Maybe I could give it a try. I could take the car for a short drive. Practise trying to park. That sort of thing.
‘But if I go with you, you won’t see this. And you won’t get to hear me say that I love you. That I always loved you. That I always will. Because I still can’t bear being emotional in front of you. I don’t even know if you’d like me to be, Hippo. Women say they like men who can cry, but do they really?
‘So let’s move on.
‘There’s one more thing, and that’s the treasure part of the treasure hunt. You need to go to the Safe Storage Company in Dundrum to find it. The details are in my contacts. I hope it’s something you’ll like. Something that makes you see how much I love you. The code to get into my storage locker is the dates our children were born. I’m picking something personal for once.
‘By the way, Pat Rice has been a good friend and I’ve confided a lot in him. You might get close to him. I wouldn’t mind it if you did. You’ve proved over and over again that you can look after yourself, but you deserve someone to look after you. I didn’t do the best of jobs. Perhaps he can. Perhaps he will. I’d like that. I’d like you to have someone.
‘I’m done now, Hippo. Totally done. So here’s a little bit of Lorca by way of farewell. The poem is called “Es Verdad”, which means “It’s True”, and this is my own translation of the Spanish. I did it especially for you, and I hope you like it. Poetry is never as good in translation, but I hope you appreciate the sentiment:
Oh, how much it costs me
To love you as I love you
For in loving you
The air hurts
My heart hurts
And my hat, it hurts me too.
‘Goodbye, my darling Grace. I love you.’
The screen faded.
Grace continued to look at it.
And then, for the first time since Ken’s funeral, she cried.
Chapter 36
Grand Canal, Dublin, Ireland: 53.3309°N 6.2588°W
At the same time as Grace was watching Ken’s final video, Deira was studying information on IVF and evaluating the competing statistics in front of her. She’d told Grace that at her age she had a 3 per cent chance of a successful pregnancy, but the site she was currently looking at gave the far more promising news that with continuing medical advances, her chances might actually be as high as 12 per cent. Nevertheless, she thought, a slightly more than one-in-ten chance of getting pregnant when she probably wouldn’t be able to have more than three cycles of treatment was shockingly bad odds.
Was she out of her mind to even consider it?
Was it an impossible dream?
Was she being incredibly selfish?
Why did she want a baby?
The last question was the important one. None of the rest really mattered. But it was the one question she didn’t know how to answer.
The doorbell buzzed and she went to answer it.
‘Oh,’ she said when she saw who was outside.
‘Hello,’ said Gavin.
‘I wasn’t expecting you.’
‘You texted to say you’d hand-delivered the forms to the insurance company yesterday, so I knew you were back in Dublin. I came on the off chance you’d be home today. Because we need to talk about the future and we need to do it face to face.’
‘You should have called,’ said Deira. ‘I’m not—’
‘How many times have you barged in on me without asking first?’ demanded Gavin. ‘I’m here now, and I want to deal with this.’
Deira stepped back and he strode past her into the living room, where he sat on the arm of the sofa. His first question was when he’d be getting the insurance money.
‘Hopefully they’ll release the funds by the end of next week,’ she replied. ‘They’re actually being very efficient.’
‘What were you thinking?’ His tone was suddenly less aggressive and he looked at her with real bemusement in his eyes. ‘What possessed you to break into the apartment complex and take the car?’
‘I’m not sure,’ she confessed. ‘I needed to get away and the journey was already booked. It seemed like a good idea.’
‘Surely you realised I’d find out,’ said Gavin. ‘I mean, the original trip was nearly three weeks. You couldn’t have thought I wouldn’t notice the car missing for three weeks.’
‘Of course not,’ she said. ‘I assumed you’d guess it was me.’
‘And I’d have come looking and you wouldn’t have been here.’
She shrugged.
‘I worry about your mental health,’ said Gavin.
‘I’ve worried about it myself,’ Deira said.
‘You were always such an optimistic, clear-thinking person,’ Gavin said. ‘I don’t know what happened to you.’
‘You happened to me,’ she said. ‘You happened to me, and for a long time you brought out the best in me. And then you delivered your hammer blow and you brought out the worst.’
‘I never thought you’d lose it like this,’ said Gavin.
‘Neither did I. But then I never thought you’d get another woman pregnant either.’
‘Which bothers you more?’ asked Gavin. ‘That I met her or that she’s pregnant?’
‘That you shattered what I thought was our life together into a million pieces,’ she replied.
They looked at each other in silence for a moment.
‘I’m sorry it worked out that way,’ said Gavin.
‘Why didn’t you tell me that you didn’t love me any more? Why didn’t you give us the chance to talk about it?’
‘Because I’d been through that already with Marilyn and I wasn’t prepared to do it all again,’ said Gavin.
‘It was cruel and heartless.’
‘I didn’t mean it to be. I thought it would be easier in the long run. I didn’t know you’d go off at the deep end.’
‘Lots of things about me you didn’t know, apparently, despite our thirteen years together.’
‘Look, I’ve said I’m sorry and I am,’ said Gavin. ‘But we need to put it all behind us. We need to talk about dividing our assets. I’m entitled to a share in this house.’
‘Even though it’s not a family home. Because you don’t consider us a family.’
‘We’re back to that again?’ His tone betrayed his exasperation with her. ‘You’re jealous of the fact that Afton’s pregnant.’
‘Jealous isn’t the word,’ she responded. ‘I’m gutted that you denied me a child yet you were prepared to cheat on me and get her pregnant.’
‘I never denied you a baby,’ said Gavin. ‘If we were still together, you wouldn’t even be thinking about it, would you?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said.
‘I do. I remember our conversations. You wanted to live your best, most successful life. And that didn’t include children. You said they’d be inconvenient. That they wouldn’t fit in with our lifestyle.’
‘Of course I did. Because that was the way we were living. Because you said you’d already done the children thing. Because you didn’t want Mae and Suzy to feel put out by another child.’
‘You agreed with that.’
‘You wanted me to!’ cried Deira. ‘I thought you were right.’
‘I was right,’ said Gavin. ‘In our relationship, it was absolutely the right choice. But with Afton, it’s different.’
‘You don’t mind Mae and Suzy being put ou
t by Afton’s baby, but you did about ours?’
‘They’re older now. They can handle it.’
‘I’m older too,’ said Deira. ‘Maybe too old to have a baby of my own. And that’s down to you.’
‘You’d be a crap mother,’ said Gavin. ‘You’re a career woman through and through.’
‘A career wouldn’t have stopped me from being a mother.’
‘Don’t fool yourself,’ said Gavin. ‘Nobody can have it all. Not even you.’
‘I never wanted it all.’
‘Deira . . .’ His voice softened. ‘I’m sorry. I really am. I thought we were OK together. I never meant for this to happen.’
‘But you couldn’t help yourself.’
‘I really couldn’t,’ he said. ‘I met Afton and I knew.’
‘Exactly the way you met me and you knew.’
‘Except that we’re at different points in our lives now.’
‘I was younger than Marilyn. Afton is younger than me.’
‘That’s got nothing to do with it.’
‘Hasn’t it?’
‘No. It’s about needing someone. Knowing they’re right for you.’
‘And junking the past because it doesn’t suit you.’
‘I didn’t junk my past when we were together. I looked after my family.’
‘But as I’m not your family, you don’t have to look after me.’
‘What do you want from me, Deira?’ he asked. ‘What will make you let me move on?’
She didn’t answer.
Gavin stood up and walked into the kitchen. It took a moment for Deira to remember that she’d left her laptop open on the counter. She jumped up herself. She didn’t want him to see that she’d been looking at IVF sites. She didn’t want him to think she was totally obsessed.
But she was too late. He was standing in front of it.
‘You’re thinking about this?’ he asked. ‘Really?’
‘It’s my only option. Well, that or dragging in a random stranger off the street. Which I’ve also considered.’
‘You’re crazy.’
‘You have two children and you’re about to have a third by a different woman,’ she said. ‘What’s so crazy about me wanting one of my own?’
He looked at her, and then back at the computer.
‘You’d be in your forties before you’d have the kid. If you even did.’
‘I know.’
‘And yet you’d still do this?’
‘What choice do I have?’
‘Come upstairs,’ he said abruptly. ‘Come upstairs and we’ll do it once, and if it works then it works and you won’t have to go through all this crap.’
She stared at him.
‘Before I change my mind,’ he said.
‘You’re going to have sex with me?’
‘I was going to say it’s the only way you’ll get pregnant, although clearly it isn’t,’ said Gavin. ‘But it’s the quickest way.’
‘And if I did, how would you feel?’
‘Like you said, I have my children. I’d be able to step away.’
‘You would?’
‘Deira, this is something you want, and because of our life together and because I’m not a bad person, I’m going to try to give it to you. It won’t be my fault if it doesn’t work.’
‘I asked you before,’ she said. ‘You refused.’
‘You came into my office and demanded it!’ he cried. ‘Of course I refused. This is your chance. Are we going to do it or not?’
She walked slowly across the room and up the stairs. She opened the door to the bedroom. She sat on the edge of the king-sized bed they’d once shared and pulled her T-shirt over her head while Gavin stood at the doorway and watched her.
I loved him once, she thought, as she slid her pleated skirt over her hips. Maybe I still do. But he doesn’t love me. And somehow that doesn’t matter any more. What does matter is thinking of myself and what I want. And I want a baby. I want a baby, because if I don’t have one now, I’ll never have one. And I don’t want to be the woman who never had a baby.
He’s the one. He’s always been the one.
And he’s giving me what’s mine by right.
Gavin unbuckled the belt of his trousers, just as he’d done thousands of times before, as he walked over to her.
‘Does Afton know you’re here?’ she asked.
‘I told her.’ He pushed Deira gently backwards onto the bed. ‘I told her we had unfinished business to deal with.’
‘I don’t expect she thought it was this, though.’
‘Not the time to talk.’ He unbuttoned the cotton shirt he was wearing.
She looked up at him and inhaled his scent. The familiarity of him came back to her. She closed her eyes, felt the weight of him on top of her. The heat of him. The maleness of him. She felt her body ready itself for him.
She opened her eyes and looked at him.
He shifted on top of her.
‘Oh, hell,’ she said, and rolled away from him.
‘What—’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’ve made a mistake. This isn’t what I want to do.’
‘For fuck’s sake, Deira.’ He stared at her. ‘What the hell is wrong with you? You want a baby. I’m giving you the chance.’
‘I know. But . . . but I don’t want to.’
‘What?’
‘I don’t want to have sex with you,’ she said. ‘Because this isn’t the way I want it to be. I don’t want to conceive a baby with someone who cheated on me. With someone who doesn’t love me. I don’t want a baby with you.’
‘You’re kidding me, aren’t you?’ He stared at her. ‘Ever since you found out about Afton, you’ve been obsessed with having a baby. You’ve plagued me about it, and yes, I was angry with your behaviour in the office and angry about the car too, but I came here today to sort things out between us. When I saw that stuff on your computer, I felt bad about it all. I thought that perhaps by doing this for you, it would help. And now you’re saying no?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she repeated. ‘But you’re right, I’m saying no.’
‘In that case, I never want to hear another word about it again,’ he told her as he did up his shirt. ‘No more texts and no more trashing me in the office either.’
‘You don’t have to worry about anything like that,’ she said. ‘I’ve made my decision and I’m fine with it.’
‘I used to love you,’ he told her. ‘Now all I feel is sorry for you. But not sorry enough that I won’t get legal advice on our situation.’
‘Right,’ she said.
He picked up his jacket and walked out of the room.
A few moments later, she heard the front door slam.
She sat on the bed for a long time, wondering if she’d made the biggest mistake of her life. She’d had the chance (admittedly a 5 per cent chance in any given month), and she’d turned it down. Not only that, she’d turned down the possibility of getting pregnant with a man she’d loved for more than a decade. He was right to think she was off her head. Because she was. What better opportunity was going to come to her? What were the chances now that she’d ever have the baby she wanted?
She cupped her stomach in her hands.
He would’ve made her pregnant. It would’ve worked.
She was an idiot.
She’d made a mess of everything again.
It was nearly an hour before she got up and got dressed, this time in leggings and sweatshirt. She put on her trainers and began to jog, following the canal until she reached Hanover Quay. She looked up at the Arc Tech office, full of young people hoping for a wonderful career and a wonderful life. Would the youthful CEO offer her a job? And if so, would that job compensate her for having turned down an opportunity for a changed life?
‘Hey, Deira.’ The man walking down the steps waved at her. ‘Are you scoping us out?’
‘Ardal.’ She smiled at the man who’d interviewed her the day before. ‘Maybe I am. I came fo
r a jog and ended up here.’
‘I spoke to Bethany yesterday afternoon. We’re working on a package for you. We really want to have you on the team.’ The CEO smiled too. ‘Would you like to see the space again?’
‘OK,’ she said.
She followed him back up the steps and inside the building.
‘It’s quiet today, being Saturday,’ said Ardal. ‘But we could have this area open on Saturdays too. I haven’t really thought that through. I was also thinking we could incorporate a café. Make it a social centre, you know?’
She walked around the space, enjoying the sun as it came through the glass walls but thinking about how any paintings would have to be protected from the light. And thinking about installation art exhibitions she’d done in the past and how much more effective they’d be here.
‘I like it,’ she said. ‘It feels right.’
‘That’s what I thought too.’ Ardal nodded ‘I’m not the arty type, Deira. It’s microprocessors that do it for me. But I don’t want us to be a one-dimensional company.’
‘You aren’t,’ she said. ‘Not if you’re thinking about this.’
‘I have a dream of it being a wonderful place for people to come,’ he said. ‘And I hope you can deliver it for me.’
‘I hope I can too,’ she said. ‘In fact, I know I can.’
Later that night, Tillie called around, bringing a couple of scented candles that she put on the coffee table in the living room. Soothing and inspiring, she said as she indicated them. Which would Deira like to light first?
‘I’m not sure which I need more.’
‘Soothing, I think,’ said Tillie. ‘You did the right thing today, Deira.’
Deira looked at her doubtfully. She’d phoned her friend after getting home and shared the whole saga with her.
‘You did,’ Tillie insisted as the scent of jasmine perfumed the air.
‘I wanted something and I gave up the chance of it,’ said Deira. ‘Not particularly bright.’
‘I honestly believe that if it’s right for you, you’ll find a way. Gavin clearly wasn’t the right way. That’s all.’
‘It’s weird, isn’t it,’ said Deira. ‘Most people don’t want to get pregnant after a quick shag, and yet he was looking at it as a kind of business transaction. In the end, I couldn’t do that to myself. Or to any baby I might have wanted. But surely that means I mustn’t have wanted it badly enough, because most women will do anything to get pregnant when they’re desperate.’
The Women Who Ran Away: Will their secrets follow them? Page 34
