IT WAS ALWAYS YOU

by Erika Kelly

  Cassian had called his manager to see what legal recourse he had—because that shit was not going to air.

  If it did, her shot at a solo album with Clean Beatz was dead.

  And it’s one hundred percent my fault.

  Ten years ago, her dad had kept him away from her just so he wouldn’t keep her from realizing her potential, and he’d gone and done it anyway.

  He slammed his palm on the wheel. He’d trusted Amie with his camp, his kids. He’d talked her through countless crises…when she’d been dropped from her show, when her boyfriend had dumped her.

  Why would she do this to him?

  Why would she take advantage of his friendship like this?

  It didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was what he’d done to Gigi.

  And if she’d ever forgive him.

  * * *

  Pressing the intercom outside the Cavanaugh’s security gate, Cassian’s knee jackhammered. Come on, come on.

  “Cassian?” Mrs. Cavanaugh said.

  “Yes. Hello. I’m here to see Gigi. Can you let me in?”

  “No. She doesn’t want to see you and, frankly, I don’t blame her.”

  The woman was fierce in general, but she’d go to the mat for her daughters.

  “I did not cheat on her. I would never cheat on her. Let me in. I have to talk to her.”

  “Listen to me very carefully. She doesn’t want to see you. You need to go away and leave her alone. Maybe one day, once you get your shit together, you can write her an apology on nice stationery. But there’s nothing you can say that she’ll ever need to see your face for.”

  The world went silent. The early morning air was scented with sage, and fog sat low to the ground. He pressed the buzzer again. He had no idea if anyone was listening, but he had to get through to someone. “I know I fucked up, but I didn’t touch Amie. I don’t want her. I don’t want…I fucking love your daughter. I love her. I would never hurt her.”

  “And yet…you keep doing it. Again and again.”

  He lowered his head in despair.

  A Jeep came around the bend in the driveway. From the breadth of those shoulders and the size of the man’s head, Cassian knew it was security. He didn’t care. He’d stay here until Gigi came out. She had to leave at some point.

  The Jeep stopped on the other side of the iron gate. A big black boot hit the asphalt, and a behemoth of a man got out. Dressed in black jeans and a black T-shirt, the man approached Cassian with menace. “We can do this nicely, and you can leave on your own accord, or I can call the police and make your life even more messed up.”

  “I just need to talk to her.”

  “It ain’t all about you, now is it? Gigi wants you to leave her the hell alone, so how much do you care about her? Enough to scat?”

  Defeat smothered his lungs, making it impossible to take a full breath. “Yeah. That much.” He jerked the gearshift into Reverse and backed out onto the road.

  He’d had the miracle of a second chance, and he’d blown it all to hell.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “She’s twenty-seven years old, and she’s doing it again.”

  Gigi froze halfway down the staircase, her hand in a box of cookies. Her parents didn’t know she’d left her bedroom.

  “Last time she was seventeen.” Her dad sounded calm, reasonable. “And, keep in mind, it all worked out. She went to USC, got discovered…she’s strong. She’ll pull through.”

  I’m strong, my ass. Gigi dug into the box and fished around for another cookie but came out with nothing but crumb-crusted fingertips. Thanks for caring, Dad.

  “You’re saying that because you don’t want to deal with the guilt. We broke them up. Maybe Cassian wouldn’t have become such a party animal if we hadn’t interfered.”

  “Sweetheart, I pulled Cassian out of detention. He’s always had a self-destructive streak. And, I’ll tell you what, I stand by my decision to keep him away from my daughter at that time in her life. Besides, even If I hadn’t warned him off her, he would’ve found another way to blow himself up.”

  “That’s not true. He loves her. Anyone can see how much he loves her.”

  Three nights ago, wrapped up in a blanket, a box of tissue on her lap, Gigi had watched the footage of that night. It had been picked up by a gossip site and had gone viral. She’d gotten to see her expression as she’d raced out of the suite, and she’d gotten a close-up of Cassian who’d looked like he was witnessing a car crash.

  She hadn’t left the house since. What her dad didn’t get was that this time she’d had all of him.

  All of him.

  And it had been almost perfect.

  Losing him at seventeen…she’d lost the possibility of what they could be. This time? She’d lost her whole heart.

  “He’s damaged goods,” her dad said.

  That’s one thing we can agree on. Gigi continued down the stairs, not appreciating their conversation.

  “Well, you were, too,” her mom said.

  “And how long did it take me to get my shit together after I met you?”

  “No time at all. You changed…” Her mom snapped her fingers. “Like that.”

  “Exactly. This time, he had her just like he always wanted, and he still blew it.”

  “Did he, though? I mean, you saw that woman. She was weeping. She was beside herself. How could anyone turn her away?”

  “Nope. Not buying it. He was in his boxers.”

  “I know. I can’t…” Her mom let out a weary exhalation. “I just don’t want her falling apart like last time. That was really hard on me.”

  Breezing into the kitchen, Gigi tossed the cookie box on the island. “I won’t.”

  Her mom startled. “Oh, honey. I didn’t know you were listening.”

  “I was. Heard every single word. But don’t worry. I’m done with cookies.” She reached for the box, crushing it with her bare hands. “I’m also done with crying. I mean, whose fault is it, anyway? I’m the slow learner. Has he ever been different? No.” Not just no, but hell no. “This is who he is.” She was thirsty. She needed water. No, milk. Tea, maybe? She just…nothing really hit the spot. “Do we have lemonade? I’m craving it.”

  “I’ll make you some.” Her mom gestured weakly to the huge bowl of fruit on the counter.

  “I can make it myself.” She pulled a pitcher out from a cabinet and a knife from the drawer. “Stop looking at me like that. I’ll bounce back. I always do.”

  Her parents exchanged concerned looks.

  Wielding the knife, she said, “What? I do.” She stood there in her pajamas and slippers, with cookie breath and unwashed hair. “I’m not giving Cassian Ellis another minute of my life. And do you know why? Because I get it now. Like you said, he’s damaged goods. Maybe it’s because his parents died in a car crash, and he had to go into foster care for a couple of weeks until his uncle showed up. Or because he was dumped into a whole new world with a family he barely knew. They put him in Griffin’s room—like, really? Two teenage boys who were total strangers? And then he’s dumped into a new school—a small one—with already established cliques. And then he gets plucked out of detention by the great Tyler Cavanaugh, and lo and behold he’s on the fast track to becoming a football star.”

  Her mom took the knife and started slicing a lemon in half.

  “I mean, his life’s been nothing but drama from the time he was fourteen, and that’s all he knows. Maybe all the drama keeps him from being alone with his thoughts, his feelings, from really facing the horrific loss of his parents. I mean, has he ever stopped moving long enough to really face that his parents died? He never talks about it, that life as he knew it flipped in the blink of an eye.” Why were her parents looking at her like she was crazycakes? She was telling them she was fine. She touched the side of her head. “Don’t worry. I’m washing my hair in the morning.”

  With a sad sigh, her dad reached out and pulled her into her arms. “I’m sorry he let you down again, sw
eetheart.”

  Gigi felt unstable, a little light-headed, her knees weak. Well, sure, she’d been living off cookies and chocolate milk.

  And, then, she felt her mom’s arms encircling her waist, fingers sifting through her hair, the same comforting gesture Gigi had grown up with. She felt like a little girl all over again.

  There was nothing so familiar as her mom’s scent. The same perfume she’d worn Gigi’s whole life, mixed her dad’s rugged, manly pine scent…it just made her feel safe and at home. “I just wish I understood why he keeps messing up. Why didn’t he see what Amie was doing? Why didn’t he kick her out of his room?”

  “Because she’s on his team,” her dad said. “And the team’s his family. And if you’ve never really had one, if you’ve never fit in anywhere, then you hold on pretty tightly to the one you cobble together. It’s damn scary to be alone in the world.”

  Alarmed at the pain in his voice, Gigi stepped out of their embrace.

  “His parents didn’t have time for him,” her dad said. “Griffin didn’t want to share his bedroom with him, the high school team already had a quarterback. Even after he got drafted, Cassian replaced Ben Grady. He’s just…never belonged anywhere.”

  Her mom reached for him, wrapping an arm around his waist.

  Her dad hadn’t belonged anywhere until he’d met Joss Montalbano. And once he found her, he’d burrowed in. Deeply and irrevocably. And her mom had given him all the love and nurturing he’d craved his whole life.

  “He belonged with me.” They looked at her, both of them reeking of pity. It reinforced what she’d already accepted. “I love him. I honestly don’t think there’s anyone else in the world I want to be with. But I can’t have him.” She took in a steadying breath. “When I look down the road, when I see myself making a family of my own, I see him. I can’t imagine growing old with anyone else—but what kind of chaos and drama is he going to bring into our lives? He swore he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize us. He said he wanted to deserve me.” The footage flashed in her mind, Amie wearing nothing but his jersey, sitting in the shelter of Cassian’s arms. God. She’d never scrub that image. “I’m going back to LA.”

  Yep. It was time.

  “I have to meet with Dale. She needs to know I’m not with Cassian, and there won’t be any more drama from me.” She looked at her parents, her heart just absolutely broken, and she wanted them to fix her. To give her the magic words that would make everything all right and enable her to be with Cassian.

  “I’m sorry, baby.” And the fact that her mom—the woman who never gave up, who always had a fresh idea and a new approach—had given up, just drove it all home.

  It’s truly over.

  Strong arms banded around her, and the dam broke. Tears trickled down her cheeks. She felt their love and support like a powerful force streaming through her, giving her strength.

  It broke her heart, but she would not fall apart like last time. She was stronger, better.

  Cassian Ellis would not sink her.

  * * *

  On her way into the bathroom to grab her toiletry bag, Gigi’s phone vibrated.

  Her flight left in three hours, so she supposed it was time to talk to him. Setting down her towel, she went back to the nightstand. Sure enough, Cassian’s name was on the screen.

  She drew in a calming breath. “Hello?”

  “Gigi.” He sounded tormented.

  “Yes.” Her voice wavered. She didn’t want to talk to him, because she didn’t know if she could resist him.

  “Thank Christ. It’s been four days. I’ve been going out of my mind. You know I didn’t touch her, right?”

  And just like that, her temper flared. “Of course you touched her. I walked in on it, remember?” No, no, no. She couldn’t let herself get all worked up over it. If she did, she’d get whisked right back into the drama. “Look, that’s not even the point, and you know it. You just keep doing this, and I’m done.”

  “I know. Just…from my perspective, she came in crying, upset about a breakup I felt partially responsible for. I was going to get my clothes on and meet her in the living room, but she broke down. She was inconsolable.”

  “Cassian, in what world is it okay for a woman to come into your bedroom half-naked and expect to be comforted on your bed?”

  He went quiet.

  Exactly. She’d finally figured out the problem. “Think about that.” I know I will. “Other than my sisters and my parents, no one would dream of taking the liberties with me that people take with you.” There was no point in talking to him. As long as he didn’t see his problems, he’d never change. “Listen, I only answered your call to let you know I’m going back to LA.”

  “What? No. Okay, I’m coming over.”

  “Don’t bother. You won’t get past the gate. I’m just letting you know that I’m done. I put up with the instability of loving you in high school, but I won’t do it as an adult.”

  “Instability? I love you. That’s…I am devoted to you and you alone. There’s not a shred of uncertainty in me about my feelings for you.”

  “I know that. I’m not afraid you’ll cheat on me or fall out of love, but I’ll never stop worrying what you’re doing when you’re away from me.” The ache grew, forming a knot in her throat. “I do love you, you know. Very much. I just can’t be with you.”

  “You can. Every couple has hurdles.”

  “That’s true, but this is more than a hurdle. You’re always going to break my heart, because you have no boundaries. You let people take advantage of you, and until you see that there’s no chance for you to have a real relationship with anyone. But, most definitely, not with me.”

  “I fucking love you, Gigi. I love you down to my soul. You’re part of me, and I can’t live without you.”

  “Well, you’re going to have to.” Big words, tough voice. But underneath them lay a foundation as fractured as her heart.

  “No, just listen. Listen to me.”

  The clouds had finally parted, and a light fell onto a glimmering truth. “It’s funny, because everyone sees you as the life of the party. But think about it, Cassian. The people who trash your hotel, drive your fancy cars, drink all your booze…they don’t respect you. And, as the captain of your football team, that’s what you need most. Respect.”

  His silence made her believe he was really listening, and that gave her hope. Dammit.

  “You had two jobs,” she continued. “One was to lead your teammates, and the other was to take care of us. From what I saw in that suite, you weren’t doing either. I love you, Cassian. I do. But I love you for the man you could be, and not the man who wants to belong so badly he lets people take advantage of him. Now, let me go. I have a plane to catch.”

  If Cassian were the type of man to accept defeat, he wouldn’t have become the quarterback for one of the top teams in the country.

  The sun filtered through an early morning haze, and he lowered his visor, watching his speed on the highway.

  He didn’t blame Gigi for leaving him. How many times had she warned him about Amie, and he’d ignored her? No, what killed him was that she’d left because he hadn’t protected her. Them. Even if Amie hadn’t turned out to be a selfish, manipulating, self-serving…He drew a breath. This isn’t about Amie. It never was.

  This is about my lack of boundaries. Boundaries he’d never bothered with because, after losing Gigi in high school, nothing had mattered.

  They very much fucking mattered now.

  He flicked on his turn signal, and after a minivan sailed by, he turned into the driveway. He might’ve been inclined to give Gigi a little more time, but training camp started in one week and…

  I miss her. Once, somewhere off the coast of Thailand, he’d gone scuba diving. Something had gone wrong with his tank, and he’d lost oxygen. The inability to breathe, the pressure on his chest—compounded by the weight of water—that’s what it feels like to be without her.

  So, here he was. Back at the
Cavanaugh house. Idling outside the iron gate, he pushed the button on the security box.

  “Again?” Joss sounded amused.

  “Yes, ma’am. You going to let me in this time?” This was his third attempt at a visit. Each time they’d told him she’d gone back to LA, and there was nothing they could do for him.

  “Are you here to talk about something other than my daughter?” she asked.

  “No.”

  “Have a nice day.”

  “Wait. Can I please talk to Tyler?”

  “He’s not here.”

  “Okay. Thank you.”

  “That’s it? You’re giving up?”

  “This is Gigi we’re talking about.” He glanced in the rearview mirror. No one behind him. “I’m going to wait for Tyler to come home.”

  “Cassian…you know there’s nothing we can do, right? Gigi’s moved on.”

  There it was again, that suffocating feeling. He jerked the gearshift into Park and got out, gulping in fresh mountain air.

  I lost her. I fucking lost her.

  “I’m not giving up, you know.” He kicked a pebble, watched it skitter across the asphalt and land on the soft grass. “What happened with her contract? Did I ruin it for her?”

  “Yes. It’s over.”

  Shit. Fuck. “No solo album?”

  “That’s right.”

  “So, what’s next?”

  “She has no idea.”

  “Can’t she get her demo to Irwin?”

  A car raced by, trailing a country song. A hawk soared overhead. But Joss had gone silent.

  “You still there?”

  “Yes. I’m here. I’m just surprised you knew Irwin’s name. You paid attention. It’s nice.”

  “I love her.”

  “I know you do.”

  “So…Irwin?”

  “She says she doesn’t want to blow her one shot at getting his attention until she’s a few steps removed from being a Lollipop.”

  And there it was. A way to make up for what he’d done. “Okay. Great.” For the first time, he felt empowered. “Excellent.” He had a plan. He’d make things right for her. He got back in his truck, slammed the gearshift into Reverse, and started to back up, when a Land Cruiser roared up behind him.