“I’m sorry, babe,” he says, handing me the flowers and leaning in to kiss the top of my head.
“For what exactly?” I say lightly.
“For not calling. I know I should have, but I never seemed to have more than a couple of minutes to spare, and by the time I got back to my room each evening, it was really late and I didn’t want to inflict the tired version of me on you.”
“You know I wouldn’t have minded.”
“But I would. I thought it’d be best if we just started over when I got home. Forgive me?”
“Of course.”
He loosens his tie. “Something smells good.”
“I made your favourite.”
“I’m a lucky guy.”
“You are,” I laugh.
“I’ll just get changed and then we’ll eat, okay?”
“Sure.”
I watch Ed walk into our room and feel strangely disconnected from everything. It’s like I’m playing a role now. The devoted wife. Is Ed doing the same? The dutiful husband?
I serve out the risotto and sit down to wait for him.
He reappears and sits opposite me, immediately digging in. I watch him, trying to gather clues about what’s really going on in that brain of his.
“Ed?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you have any regrets?”
He stops eating for a second and looks at me properly. “About what?”
“The past and the choices you’ve made…”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment and takes a sip of wine.
“Everything turned out the way it was supposed to, so no, I don’t think I have any regrets.”
“What if something wasn’t resolved the way you thought it was?”
“What kind of something?” He says it slowly, like he’s being backed into a corner.
Okay. However he reacts to what I say next will determine our future. I’m not sure I realised the gravity of the situation until now. I almost don’t want to go there, but I have to. If I don’t, I would forever be wondering and it would destroy us anyway.
I take a deep breath.
“Maddie. What if the situation with Maddie wasn’t resolved?”
His eyes widen and his face clouds over with a mixture of wariness and fear.
“How do you know about Maddie?” he asks, barely above a whisper.
There’s my answer. I feel all the air go out of my lungs. If he didn’t care about her, he wouldn’t have answered that way. My first instinct is to shut it down and pretend it’s all a joke. But I know it can’t happen that way. I have to face this head-on.
“I met her the other day. And I know she was your first true love. And you were hers.”
Ed now looks pained. “Anna, why are you doing this? How did you even meet her?”
I can’t tell him the truth. “It was a weird fluke. I ran into her at a café in New Farm. She recognised me from my blog and we got to talking about my business. She offered to put together a marketing proposal to help me maximise exposure.”
“And how on earth did you find out she was my Maddie?”
The way he says my Maddie breaks my heart.
“I don’t know. Women talk about stuff. She was musing about what life would have been like if her first love’s mother hadn’t died when he was eighteen. I was about to say that my husband had also lost his mother at eighteen, but when she said your name, I knew we were talking about the same person.”
“And?”
I want to cry at the poorly hidden look of hope in his eyes.
“I didn’t tell her who I was.”
His shoulders slump, and I know that isn’t the answer he was hoping for. I wonder if it’s because he was hoping I would have done his dirty work for him and told her he was taken.
“Do you want to tell me about her?” I ask.
He shrugs. “There’s not much to tell.”
He’s such a bad liar. “There obviously is, Ed.” I take a second deep breath and pull the card out of my pocket, placing it down on the table in front of him. “This is her number. You should call her.”
He looks at the card like it might bite him. I can see how scared he is of this sudden twist his life has taken.
“But I thought you didn’t tell her…”
“I didn’t tell her I was your wife. But she did want me as a client.”
I can tell he hates that he’s having this conversation with me, of all people. I know he has a million questions, but can’t ask them.
“Did she seem…” He stops to clear his throat. “…I mean…do you think she wanted me to contact her?”
And with that one question, I know our marriage is in big trouble. As soon as he sees her, he’ll be gone to me. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I could have withheld the information, but from the minute I saw her back as a teenager at Ed’s house, I knew everything was going to change. I should have taken some more time to psychologically prepare, but I knew if I left it too long, I’d chicken out and I’d never know. Better to rip the Band-Aid off now than let the wound fester underneath.
I shut down all emotion in my brain and attempt to think logically. This is the way it has to happen.
“Probably. And just so you have all the information going in, she’s divorced. No kids.”
I have never seen Ed look so sick, yet so hopeful in his entire life.
“Why would you tell me all of this?”
“Because you need to sort it out. Your life should not be consumed with regret. Whatever happens between you and I, at least it will be on an even playing field now.”
***
I thought I was happy. I thought all marriages were like the one I had with Ed. It never occurred to me that we were any different. But now that I think about it, I can see we were only together out of convenience, at least on his part. I did love him, but I’m not sure he ever loved me, and that’s a very hard thing to accept. We never really argued, because he just didn’t care enough. What I mistook for a quiet personality was actually a miserable one…one that had lost all hope when he and Maddie broke up.
“I’m going to go and stay with a friend for a while,” I tell him. “I think you need some space to think everything through.”
His eyes well up. I have never seen Ed cry, and it feels like my already shattered heart is being pulverised by large steel-capped boots.
I hurry over and wrap my arms around his shoulders, kissing him on the cheek.
“I’ll call you in a few days.”
“Anna…” he says weakly. I know he wants to stop me, but he also can’t prevent this crazy force now that it’s begun. I don’t think I realised the true power of love until now.
I have to let this happen.
SEVENTEEN
I have basically been a zombie for three weeks now. I drag myself out of bed every now and again to half-heartedly upload a recipe to my blog, but I have zero enthusiasm. And the problem with working for yourself at home is that there’s no one to call you out if you’re being lazy, or don’t feel like doing anything.
I haven’t heard from Ed since the third day after our confrontation, when he texted to see how I was and I let slip that I was staying at an apartment I rented through Airbnb. I had led him to believe I would be at a friend’s house, but I didn’t actually have any friends in Brisbane I could handle seeing right now. When he found out, he insisted I move back in and told me he’d go stay at a place his work kept for interstate clients.
I now don’t know if he’s waiting for me to make the first move, or whether he’s so wrapped up in his reconciliation with Maddie that he hasn’t given me a second thought.
I have to find out. I owe it to our relationship. I was so used to our lives running smoothly (even if it was because Ed’s mind was elsewhere) that it’s quite an adjustment to be experiencing this level of uncertainty. I don’t know what to do, how to feel or how to act.
I send him a text, rather than actually call. I don’t think I could handle
hearing HER in the background.
Hey…how’s things? Just wanted to check in…
I have no idea what else to say, so I click Send. The ball’s in his court now.
He messages back almost immediately, which is reassuring.
Hi. Things are OK. You?
Damn him. Why can’t he give me anything to work with?
Me: Fine. Are you coping?
Ed: Sort of. You want to catch up for a coffee or something?
Me: Yes! How about our usual at Bulimba?
Ed: Sounds good. When?
Me: I don’t know. This afternoon?
Ed: Cool. I can be there at 4.
Me: See you then.
I start to cry. That whole exchange seemed so clinical…like two strangers talking. Well, apart from the fact that I didn’t have to remind him of our ‘usual’ café. But it still isn’t how it should be.
I go back to bed for another hour and stare at the ceiling until my eyes hurt.
At three fifteen, I drag myself into the shower and have the water cool in an attempt to freshen up my puffy face.
After bathing, I rub some tinted moisturiser into my skin and add a bit of mascara to my lashes. It helps me look slightly less like a zombie.
I pull on a pair of mint-green jeans with a black top and survey the result. Good enough. I’m not going to be mistaken for a supermodel by any stretch of the imagination, but I look passable.
Ed is already at our coffee shop when I arrive. I wonder if we should have chosen somewhere less familiar to have our first catch-up since…I don’t even know what to call it yet. I struggle to hold in the tears as I shakily sit down.
Ed offers a tentative smile. “You look nice.”
“Thank you. You look like hell.”
I don’t mean to sound so harsh, but he does. His face is pale, he has big dark circles under his eyes, and it looks like he’s lost weight since I last saw him. I wish I was the kind of person who got skinny during an emotional trauma, but I tend to comfort eat, so if anything I get fatter.
He chuckles. “You always know exactly what to say.”
“Sorry. I’m feeling a little unstable today.”
“That makes two of us.”
“Are you hungry?” I ask.
“Uh, not really. But I could grab a coffee. I haven’t been sleeping very well.”
“I’ll get them.” I start to stand up.
“No, no. You stay there. I’ll get them.”
He doesn’t even ask me what I want. Of course he knows I’ll have a double shot espresso. My heart aches knowing that if we divorce it will be a long time before I have this level of familiarity with someone else. And then I remember that Maddie also drinks double shot espressos. I cynically think how easy it will be for Ed to adjust to his new life.
He returns a couple of minutes later and puts the drinks on the table. I open my purse to give him some cash, but he waves me away.
“Don’t be silly. It’s only a few dollars.”
“I know. But I don’t know what you’re thinking or expecting.”
“I’m not thinking or expecting anything.”
“I guess we should talk about...” I can’t even bring myself to say her name out loud. It would make it more real and final somehow.
He sighs. “I guess we should.”
“Have you seen her much?”
He looks pained and doesn’t respond for a moment.
“Ed. We have to be honest with each other from now on. There has been way too much secrecy in our relationship from day one. It’s time to tell me everything now.”
He rubs a hand through his hair. “Yes. I’ve seen her. Twice.”
I know I instigated this whole thing, but it still kills me to hear it confirmed. And the fact that it’s been more than once makes it worse.
“And?”
“We’ve talked.”
“What about?”
“Just catching up on stuff―finding out what the other has been doing since we last saw each other.”
I almost don’t want to ask, but the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.
“Have you…?”
He knows what I’m getting at and cuts in so I don’t have to finish the question.
“No! Nothing like that. I promise. We’re married. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
I feel like he leaves off the end of the sentence…until we were officially over.
“So have you talked about what happens next?” I prod.
“Not really. I wanted to get everything straight in my head first.”
“How’s that going?”
His eyes bore into mine. “I don’t know, Anna. You’re the one who turned our lives upside down. Were you unhappy with me? Did you not think our marriage was working?”
I feel like I’ve been slapped. “Hey! Don’t put this all on me! You’re the one who couldn’t wait to go and see Maddie the second you knew how to reach her. But now that you bring it up, I do think our marriage left a lot to be desired. You work so much that we barely ever see each other. We never kiss properly. And I can’t even remember the last time we had sex.”
I realise I’m talking a little too loudly, but I don’t care.
Ed looks around, embarrassed. “Would you keep your voice down? You’re making a scene.”
“Oh, you couldn’t bear for that to happen, could you? You have to have everything perfect all the time, according to your rules. You know what? I didn’t want to go to Prague. I wanted to go to Hawaii! And I wanted to organise it myself, not have it delegated to some woman I’ve never met. And for the record, my job is important to me, and I wish you respected it more!”
His eyebrows shoot up into his hairline. “So, what, you’ve just had all of this simmering away for however many years and didn’t think to say anything?”
“Would it have made a difference? You’ve been emotionally closed off because of Maddie. I just didn’t realise until I met her.”
He lets out a frustrated growl. “It wasn’t all because of Maddie. And I told you not to mess with the past. I still don’t know how you even found her.”
I contemplate telling him about the Youth Compound, but I know how that would go down.
“I told you. I ran into her at the patisserie in New Farm.”
All the fight suddenly seems to go out of him and his shoulders slump.
“What do you want, Anna?”
“I want a husband who doesn’t think of me as second prize.”
“I’m sorry if you felt that way. It was never my intention.”
No, but it’s the truth. And you didn’t disagree with my statement.
I take a deep breath. “I think maybe I’m going to see a lawyer. You should probably do the same.”
“Is that what you want?” he asks. “A divorce?”
“Of course I don’t want a fucking divorce, Ed! But I also don’t want to stay married to someone who clearly wants to be with someone else.” I wish I could point out that he bought a charm bracelet for Maddie to celebrate every important moment in their lives, and I practically had to remind him when it was my birthday. I’m only realising now that our relationship never reached its potential because Ed used up the best of himself with someone else.
He looks at the ground. “Okay. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”
I screech in protest. “Why do you have to be so damn passive about all of this? This is why we’re here in the first place! You pushed Maddie away, and then because I was the path of least resistance, you ended up with me and miserable!”
“That’s not true,” he whispers. “I chose you on purpose. And I do love you.”
“But not as much as Maddie.”
He doesn’t say anything.
I swallow down the bile rising in my throat. “If we go ahead with a divorce, I’ll split everything however you like―as long as I have enough money to rent my own place for a while.”
He nods. We sit there in silence for a few minutes,
sipping our drinks. Then Ed suddenly stands up and comes over to give me a hug. He squeezes me tight and rests his chin on my head. I refuse to cry.
“You are amazing, Anna. I’m sorry to put you through this.”
I close my eyes and commit this moment to memory. It’s probably one of the only genuine moments of our entire relationship. I want to remember how Ed smelt, how he felt and how I felt in the last seconds of our marriage.
After a few seconds, I gently pull away. “I think I’m going to get my drink to go.”
He nods. I go up to the counter and ask them to put my coffee in a takeaway cup. I then walk to the door of the café, turning one last time to make eye contact with Ed.
He definitely doesn’t look happy, but there is a tiny trace of relief on his face.
I guess this is how it’s supposed to be.
***
When I get home, I sink into a deep despair. I’ve always found it weird that grief isn’t linear. Some moments, I feel at peace, and others I just want to curl up in a ball on the floor and never move again. And it sucks that I don’t have any good friends in Brisbane. Why don’t I have any good friends in Brisbane? Actually, I can’t think of any good friends I have elsewhere either. When did this happen? Did I just get wrapped up in my job and rely on fans to keep me company online?
I miss Kelsey, but right now I don’t have the energy to track her down and go through all the drama of a reconciliation. I couldn’t bear having her reject me.
I wonder…
No! That damn compound is what got me into all this trouble in the first place. Nothing good has come of it. Maybe the right thing happened as a result, but definitely nothing that has made my life better.
I get the jar out of the cupboard and look at it. It’s still almost full. I sit down on the couch and put it on the coffee table in front of me.
I won’t do anything hasty this afternoon. But if I still feel this way tomorrow, I might use it.
Maybe.
EIGHTEEN
I sleep badly―as I have done ever since Ed left. When I finally decide to get up and stay awake around 5am, I’m feeling more miserable and exhausted than ever.
1996 (90s Flashback Series) Page 13
