by Barb Shuler
“So, I called her before you, suck it up, buttercup.”
“Baby, I was going to tell you. But something came up-”
“Something came up? What the fuck, Andrew? Someone start talking, now!” I gave them all a hard look. “Where is my kid?”
“He’s… we don’t know,” AJ said, her voice wobbling as she looked over at me. “I’m sorry, this is all my fault.”
She turned away and ran a hand through her hair.
“What. Happened?” I asked again, my anger and worry multiplying.
“Derek came in and had a few beers. There was an altercation with two men. He knocked one out, had a knock down drag out with another. He was cut during the scuffle. The men in question were harassing AJ, and then they spouted off something negative about the Sheriff. Derek’s temper seemed to win out over his thinking.”
I looked up to meet Jacks’ gaze. He also looked worried.
“Okay, dammit. I’m gonna kick his ass. Where is he now?” I asked.
“Like AJ said, we don’t know. He walked out the bar and no one has seen him since. Something is eating at him. I could see it in his eyes. We were about to go out and look for him. He hasn’t been gone more maybe twenty minutes. He couldn’t have gotten that far.”
“I gave him a shot of pain meds, but when they wear off he’s not gonna be moving too fast. Not for a day or so, anyway.”
Doc’s worried face made me worry even more.
“Son of a bitch! Where would he have gone?”
“I called Cart, he’s not there. Lana hasn’t seen him either.”
I gave Stella a worried look.
“But we think we know where he is.” I jumped at the voice from behind me. Carter and Lana were coming up the sidewalk.
“Where? Please, where would he go? He didn’t come to the house, I just left there. He wasn’t at Jacks’ when I dropped the kids off, either.”
“When he gets upset… sometimes he goes to the old cemetery.” Lana was chewing on her lip. I shook my head. Why would he go to the cemetery? Her eyes were filled with tears. What was I missing? Then it hit me. Cemetery. Fuck!
I moved to my Jeep and climbed in. Carter and Lana wasted no time climbing in with me. I wasn’t waiting on anyone else. I needed to find him and make sure he was okay. My stomach tightened as I flipped my lights to bright. These backwoods roads were dark as fuck. You never knew what was going to dart out in front of you. It could be a boar, deer, dog, or even a cow... Yeah, a frigging cow. Sometimes horses would get loose as well. Trust me, none of these would be good things to hit.
I grunted with each pothole I hit. If he wasn’t out here, I was really gonna strangle him when I got my hands on him. The big gate came into view and I sighed when I saw that it was open. He must be here, then. It was always closed unless there was a visitor or a funeral.
“Carter, grab the duffel bag back there and get the big flashlights out, please.”
I hoped Derek was okay out here. This place was a death trap in the dark. Between the grave markers that didn’t always sit level in the ground, the statues that were sometimes leaning and the big stone headstones, there were just too many ways to get hurt in the dark.
If you didn’t know where you were going, you’d break your neck. That was during the day. The dark only made things worse. I parked the Jeep, leaving the lights on once we got through the gate. I could see him off to the right, in the cover of the trees. He was pacing back and forth. I took a shaky breath and climbed out of the Jeep.
Stella’s truck pulled up behind me and both she and AJ got out. Lana and Carter slid from my Jeep and moved to stand beside me.
“Y’all give me a minute. I wanna talk to him first.” I didn’t wait for a response, I just started walking up the small worn path through the gravestones. I had to avoid a few small holes, but I knew my way around this place pretty well. My mama was buried about three hundred feet from where Derek paced. I moved up the small incline to where he was. I paused when I heard him talking.
“This is all my fault. You- you did this to me! You made me a failure!” his voice rose as he kicked at the head stone before him. My heart broke. He wasn’t a failure.
“All of those beatings. The drunken nights you came home only to get high. Nan would yell at me because your no good rotten husband left you and burdened her with me. She hated me! You made me be this person. I failed them all!. I couldn’t find him. If I had, he wouldn’t have died on that table. Twice! Jesus! I can’t lose him. I should have done more to find them.”
I said fuck it and moved to where he paced. I stopped in front of him, and even though I had to look up at him, I poked his chest.
“You are not a fucking failure. I don’t care what you think, you are wrong. They have nothing to do with the man you are now. You did that yourself. You’re a fucking Landry. You hear me? Now act like it. What happened to your Gramps, Robert and Wayne was not your fault. You did all you could to find them, Derek. Don’t you dare stand here yelling at a fucking ghost that you’re a failure. I won’t stand for it.”
“I should have found them faster. They could have died...”
“Derek-” my voice broke as I pulled him to me, hugging my boy to me as tight as I could. He collapsed against me in a heap. We both went to the ground. I pulled him into my lap, which was no easy feat, and hugged him to me as he sobbed. I tried to get my words to come out, but the only thing that happened was that I began to sob right along with him. A few minutes of this and my voice came back.
“Baby, you did all you could. None of this is your fault. No one blames you.” I kissed his temple and rubbed the back of his neck. “You, my boy, have been a blessing to this family. Your dad and I love you to pieces. Your sisters and brothers love you. And, your Gramps, that man is so fucking proud of you. Don’t you dare blame yourself for any of this bad shit. You hear me? Just fucking don’t.”
He laid against me for a long time. I was not moving until he was calm, even though, I had a rock, or acorn, something stabbing me in my ass cheek. I shifted and grimaced.
“I feel like I should have done more,” he said. I brought my attention back to him.
“I know that feeling. After my mama died, I was lost for a while. I wished I had done everything differently that day. If I had stayed home sick, or called to come home sick, maybe she wouldn’t have been driving home alone that night. She wouldn’t have had that accident, and she wouldn’t have left me. But, it’s not something we can change. I don’t understand how these things work. Fate and the man above have an agenda for us all. When our work is done, we have to leave here. Your Gramps work here isn’t done. He just needed to reset the life he had, I guess.”
“That’s stupid,” he retorted. I agreed with him, but that was life.
“I never said it made sense, kid. But you know damn good and well that your Gramps is one stubborn, pain in the ass man that will do whatever he has to in order to get back on his feet. The man hasn’t had a sick day in a hundred years. Now, his ass will have to take some.”
“He’s not that old, if he is then you-”
“If you finish that thought, I will leave you in one of the holes out here.” He chuckled, which had me taking in a deep breath.
I had seen a new set of headlights come up while we were talking. The shadows by my Jeep said it was Drew and Jacks. I waved my hand gently for them to come up. I was going to need help getting up off this cold ground. My ass and both legs were asleep now. But, my kid was calm, so it was worth it.
“Are you sure no one blames me? I mean-”
“Derek, I swear, I will wash your mouth out with soap if you finish that sentence. No one blames you, my sweet boy. Not one single damn person. There is nothing more you could have done. You got me?”
“Yeah, I guess.” He said this as he used his shirt to wipe his face. Then I saw his face was streaked with red. I grabbed his hand.
“D, why are you bleeding?” He sat up and the warmth I thought had been him was the
big ass red spot on his side. I jerked his shirt up and brought the flashlight up to see the gnarly cut on his side.
“You lying sack-”
“It’s not bad, woman. Doc said so.” I glared up at my husband as he came to a stop before us. He just stared at me.
I sighed.
“Come on, help the kid up, Jacks. Drew, my lower half is completely asleep…” I made a face.
“Well that’s a first,” Stella said, a big ass grin on her face. I narrowed my eyes at her, then laughed.
“Shut up. Just help me get up. I have a rock digging into my ass cheek.”
“A rock? A co-”
“Stella!” Jacks, Carter and Drew all said at the same time cutting her off. Her grin just got bigger.
“I was just gonna say it was more fun!” she huffed.
“Jesus, Stel, not in front of the kids.” AJ scolded her.
I had to laugh as Carter, Lana and Derek all said, “I’m not a kid,” at the same time. Lana and Carter moved to Derek’s side and helped him towards the jeep.
“Lana, be careful he’s bleeding.”
“Again or still?” Drew asked.
“Again. He must have pulled the stitches when he collapsed.” I ran a hand through my hair and rolled my neck. Drew pulled me to him and kissed my head.
“What was that all about?” Stella asked. I met her gaze as I turned in Drew’s arms.
“He’s blaming himself for not finding our dads faster. He thinks everyone hates him because he failed.”
“That’s not fair. He can’t take that on his shoulders,” Jacks said.
I nodded in agreement.
“I know, but the kid is having trouble getting that into his brain. Ya know? He’s gonna need to talk to Theresa.”
“Yeah, but in the meantime, we need to get him home, cleaned up, and into bed. You too. It’s late. I’ll go to Jacks’ in the morning and get the kids on my way home.” Drew kissed my head again and I nodded.
“Actually, just go to our house. Kris is still up. The twins are fussy. I’m sure she could use the help. I hate that I’m not there with her.”
“Let’s roll, then. I need a pint of rocky road anyway, and she has a freezer full.”
“We’re heading back to Trace’s, then. Y’all be careful going back to town. See you for lunch?” Stella inquired.
“Yep. The picnic is at one. AJ, you’re welcome to come too. It’s at the center. Stella can explain it all to you.”
“Thank you. We’ll see. Night all.”
17
In A Bad Place
Derek
Something inside me breaks every day that I watch my Gramps lay in the hospital bed that’s become his new home. He will be stuck in the hospital for a few more weeks more.
Fortunately, Robert is up and out of bed after a couple of weeks of harassing nurses. He’s moving slow since being released, but he’s moving.
Gramps isn’t that lucky, though. With his broken leg he’s going to be laid up for about three more weeks. His physical therapy starts in a few hours, and that’s why I’m here. Emotional support. We’ve been taking turns sitting through that hour long torture session with him. This is my first time… and I’ll admit, the thought of him being in pain hurts. I’m trying to keep myself under control. I don’t want to have another breakdown like I had at the cemetery. Talk about embarrassing.
Robert and Wayne have been in and out trying to cheer him up, but it’s not working. He’s depressed, which anyone in his place would be. The only time I see a spark in his eyes is when Nurse Lori comes in. She’s just as stubborn as he is. It’s quite the show to watch. The more Gramps fights to not do something, like eat or be bathed, the more she lets him have it.
In the end, she usually wins.
Right now, I’m sitting here watching him sleep and praying that he’s better soon. My Gramps is an active man. He hunts, he fishes, he doesn’t just lay around and feel sorry for himself.
I move to rest my head on the bed beside him and close my eyes. I need a few winks to help get my head back in the game.
“Derek.” I felt someone shake my shoulder, but my eyes weren’t ready to open yet. I grunted and stayed right where I was. I knew I was dreaming. Just like I had seen every time I close my eyes, I saw Gramps laying on the ground. His broken, bleeding body was all that showed on the camera that day. The moment I feared we would all lose him.
“Come on, baby boy.” Dani Lynn’s worried voice filtered in, and I slowly shifted so I could look up at her. I felt the tears rolling from under my closed lids.
“Sleeping.” I closed my eyes tighter, forcing the moisture away.
“I know, baby, but come on, let’s get you home so you can sleep in a bed.” I shook my head and turned back to her, keeping my voice down. I didn’t want to disturb Gramps. He needed his rest. Dani Lynn got down on her knees so we were almost eye level.
“I’m not leaving him. He needs someone here, someone to watch over him.”
“Baby boy. Your Gramps loves you. He knows we’ll all be here for him, but you have to take care of yourself. You cannot continue to work all day, and stay up all night. You’re going to collapse on us and end up in a bed in this God forsaken place, too.”
“I can’t-”
“You can, dammit!” Her voice rose an octave. “You will take care of yourself or so help me-” she took a deep breath. “Listen to me, and believe me when I say, you cannot keep doing this. I get it. I’ve been up here way too many damn times. We have to let Gramps get his head out of his ass and stop feeling sorry for himself. He has to take those first steps on his own.”
“How can you say that?” I all but snarled. Her eyes narrowed as she stood, her frame bent so she was still eye to eye with me.
“How? Just like this. He has to fight this demon himself. Your Gramps-” she choked on the words, her eyes filling with tears. Tears that matched mine. “He is a stubborn old mule of a man. He has to fight this on his terms. He’s been talking to someone. He’s making improvements. His body is healing, but he needs to get his head back in the game as well. You killing yourself won’t help with that.”
“It’s so hard to watch,” my own voice cracked as I wiped at my face. The images of that day were still so fresh in my mind. I felt sick to my stomach.
“I know, baby, I know.” I was engulfed in strong arms as I turned fully to face her. I hated to let them out, but those fucking tears just wouldn’t stop. I clung to Dani Lynn. My body was shaking with the sobs I had been trying my hardest to keep to myself.
She didn’t say anything, she just held onto me.
Everytime I try to think of how my life would have turned out without them in it, it hurts. The day Drew tackled me outside of my house and demanded my help to find Dani Lynn changed it all for me. Gramps had taken me in, taught me what I needed to know. He and Drew were the reason I had turned out to be the man I was now. Or at least the man I was trying to be. I had big shoes to fill. They were my family. There were no substitutions.
A throat cleared and I reluctantly pulled back from Dani Lynn. She wiped her cheeks as I did mine. When I turned I saw Gramps in a wheelchair, Nurse Lori behind him. Her small smile had me sighing.
Great! People had seen me lose my shit, again.
“My boy,” Gramps started to say, but then stopped. His eyes moved between Dani Lynn and I. It was Nurse Lori who spoke though.
“Your Gramps is sorry he’s being a jackass,” her words made me snort.
Gramps looked offended, yet there was that twinkle in his eyes again.
“I tried to tell him that already. Kids got a damn hard head,” Dani Lynn scoffed.
“Just like his Mama,” Gramps shot back. I looked between them. They were doing that glaring thing they did right before they would start arguing. I touched her arm.
“Don’t you start with me, old man.”
“Okay, enough of this. Come on, let’s get you back in bed,” Nurse Lori said, pushing him up beside the bed,
cutting off his reply to Dani Lynn. I shook my head.
Wait...
“How did you get out of bed without waking me?” I asked, confused.
“I have Ninja skills,” Nurse Lori said, winking at me. I chuckled then.
“Good to know,” I replied.
“Can we get this over with. My ass is catching a cold here,” Gramps said, no real bite to his words. Nurse Lori turned to him. Her arms wrapped around him, gripping the blue belt around his middle.
“Just like before, handsome. Put your arms around me and when you’re ready, we’ll go on three.”
Robert and Wayne moved through the door just as Gramps and Lori straightened. They both smiled as we all watched the two of them. Gramps seemed to be moving a little better today. His leg was still in a big brace, and would be for a while, but he seemed a little different.
Dani Lynn leaned in and did a loud whispered in my ear. “See, he’s doing better. Lori makes him do what he is supposed to, whether he wants to or not.”
She chuckled as Gramps cut a look at her. I grinned as well.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Dani Lynn, Derek, good to see y’all, but we need to talk to this jerk alone,” Robert said. “Lori, darling, when you’re done, can you get out too?”
Gramps growled out, “Don’t call her darling, and stop being rude to my family.”
“No one is being rude, old man. We have come to talk some sense into you and you are going to listen. We just don’t want witnesses.” Robert smirked.
“Well, if that’s the case, we’re leaving.” Dani Lynn leaned over the bed and kissed Gramps on the cheek. “Love you, Daddy. We’ll see you later. Tyler wants to come see you so, the circus will be here before dinner, maybe after.”
“Okay, baby girl. Love you, too.” I leaned in to hug Gramps. “See ya later, kid. Love you.”
“Love you, too, Gramps.”
Dani Lynn and I walked out of his room and down to the elevator. I scrubbed my hands along my face and leaned against the back of the elevator as it went to the main floor. The list of things I had to do today started running through my head. I had to locate files on a couple of cases, help Anna sort the files on the drive to store them in the appropriate folders, which would go on another drive. Switching computer systems isn’t always a pain in the ass, but this time, it will be, due to the simple fact that I’m exhausted.
