“Here,” Aunt Farrah said. She pointed out all the elements of the paintball gun and handed me a pair of goggles. “Kick some ass.”
“Aren’t you playing?” I asked.
“I’ll be out there in a bit,” she replied. “Working on my strategy.”
The rain made it hard to see, and the goggles made it even worse. By the time I’d run and hid behind a lonely tractor tire in the middle of the field, I was drenched and breathing hard. It was like hide and seek on steroids. I peeked over the edge of the tire and watched for my brothers. Out of everyone, they were the ones to beat. They’d played paintball every weekend for years and they knew all the tricks.
I got off a few shots, laughing as I hit my sister-in-law Molly in the ass and completely missed my cousin Cam.
Then, out of nowhere, everything changed.
Someone shot at the tire I was hiding behind, and as I felt the paintball hit with a thump, my ears started ringing. I gasped for air and ripped my goggles off as I stood up. I was disoriented and my heart pounded as I searched the field.
It was so loud. Between the screaming and the laughing and the sound of paintballs hitting people and structures, I could barely think.
“Rose, what are you doing? Put your goggles back on,” my brother Tommy yelled at me.
I looked at him in confusion. What?
Then, a few yards away, the plywood shed collapsed with a huge thud, and I found myself on my knees, my hands covering my ears as I made myself as small as humanly possible.
“Rosie,” Mack said sweetly, running his hand down my back. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
The yard had grown silent.
Embarrassed, I lifted my head and looked around. Everyone was frozen, staring in my direction.
“Where’s CeeCee?” I asked instinctively.
“What?” Tommy replied in confusion.
“No.” I shook my head. “Nothing. Never mind.”
My cousin CeeCee wasn’t there. She lived in California and had for years. God, what was I saying?
I pushed myself unsteadily to my feet. “I’m fine,” I said, brushing off Mack’s hand on my arm.
“I’m fine,” I called out, giving everyone a wobbly smile. I raised my hands above my head and shook them jokingly as I walked back toward the building. Mack didn’t say a word, but he also didn’t leave my side, and I was secretly glad for his presence. I was freezing and my teeth began to chatter.
Every sound still seemed heightened somehow, and when the door shut behind us, I jumped.
“Come on,” my mom said worriedly, meeting us in the back hallway. “You can take a shower in Dad’s room.”
As we passed my uncle’s room, I could hear him and my aunt arguing.
“I told you,” he said, his voice low and angry.
“Charlie doesn’t remember any of it. She wasn’t even born yet,” Aunt Farrah replied, her voice just as angry. “How was I supposed to tell her no?”
“You see Rose’s face?” my uncle snapped. “She obviously hasn’t forgotten.”
“Don’t you think I feel like shit already, Cody?”
“Come on,” my mom said, pulling me along.
“I’m fine,” I replied. “I can just take a shower at home.”
“You’re freezing,” Mack argued, keeping pace with us. His hand hovered behind my back. “Get in the shower.”
My mom walked me into the bathroom and brought me a towel. “I’ll find you something to change into,” she said as she walked back out.
Glancing down at my hands, I realized they were shaking. Shit. What the hell had happened out there? One minute, I’d been laughing my ass off and the next, it was like I didn’t even know where I was. I’d never had something like that happen before.
“Come on, baby,” Mack said, pushing open the door. “You need to get in the shower.”
“I am,” I replied, looking up at him as he stepped into the little room.
“You’ve been standin’ in that same spot for ten minutes.”
“No, I haven’t,” I argued, watching as he turned the shower on.
“Yeah, you have.” He turned to me and started unbuttoning the flannel I was wearing.
“I can do it,” I muttered, taking over. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine.”
“I think I’d be the one who knows if I’m fine or not.”
“You didn’t see your face out there,” Mack said, leaning against the wall as I got undressed. “Where’d you go, baby?”
“Nowhere,” I snapped.
“Understandable if it stirred up some old memories,” he replied calmly.
“It didn’t stir anything up.”
“There’s a reason your ma and Trix stayed inside,” he continued. “And Farrah.”
“My aunt was outside,” I replied stubbornly.
“No, she wasn’t. She outfitted everyone and then came back inside.”
“Whatever.”
“Lily didn’t even come today.”
“Gray’s too little for paintball,” I replied. “And I’m fine. You can go now.”
“It’s her sister’s birthday party,” Mack said, his words only hitching a little as I stripped out of my bra and underwear. “But she’s not here.”
“Drop it,” I said, climbing in the shower. I closed the curtain and let the hot water run over me, waiting to hear him leave the room. He didn’t. It was quiet for a long time before he spoke.
“Mia slit her wrists in our bathtub,” he said, and suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. “I didn’t find her for hours. Not until I got home from the garage.”
I didn’t reply when he paused. As my legs began to tremble, I quietly lowered myself to my knees and listened.
“Kara was only five, and she hated taking a shower. Seriously hated it. The water always got in her eyes and it was a bitch to try and rinse out her hair,” he said roughly. He cleared his throat and I pressed my fingers against my lips as my eyes began to water. “But I wouldn’t let her take a bath. You know what the selling point was when I bought our house? It didn’t have a fuckin’ tub.”
I closed my eyes as his voice grew choked.
“I knew it was bullshit. It was all in my head. But I couldn’t put her in a fuckin’ bathtub.”
Pressing my forehead against my knees, I rocked a little back and forth.
“If I’m bein’ honest,” he said with an uncomfortable chuckle, “sittin’ here with you in there is makin’ my skin crawl.”
I glanced to the side and traced the tub’s edge with my eyes. The other showers in the club were just that, showers with a little drain in the middle. But a few years back when they’d done some renovations, my dad had added a bathtub in his bathroom because my mom loved taking baths. It was silly, and a luxury they didn’t need at the club, but she’d looked at him like he’d lassoed the moon, which had been his intention.
“It’s not a big deal that playin’ paintball freaked you out a little,” Mack continued. “Could be worse. Could be afraid of bathtubs.”
Without a word, I switched the shower off and let the water run from the faucet as I put the little stopper in the bottom of the tub. As it began to fill, I slid open the curtain and met Mack’s eyes.
“That’s worse,” he told me seriously, gesturing in my direction as he dropped to sit on the closed toilet lid.
“I’m okay,” I said over the sound of the water.
Mack swallowed and nodded.
We stared at each other as the bath filled, and as soon as I turned off the water, the silence was almost overpowering.
“Get in with me,” I said softly, reaching out my hand.
Mack knelt down by the side of the tub and laced his fingers with mine. “Can’t do it, baby.”
“Okay.” I laid my cheek on my knees and rubbed my thumb over the back of his hand.
My mom chose that moment to stick her head through the bathroom door. “Everything okay?” she asked.
Mack didn’t turn his
head to look at her, keeping his eyes on me.
“We’re fine,” I told her.
She glanced between me and Mack and gave me a small smile, then backed out and shut the door firmly behind her.
“Tell me about her,” I said, meeting Mack’s eyes again.
“Mia?”
“Yeah. What was she like?”
“Beautiful,” he said, sitting back so that his ass was on the floor and he could brace his elbows on his knees without ever letting go of my hand. “Total smartass. Sweet. Outgoing. Sad.”
“I wasn’t around her much,” I said, my voice quiet. “But my mom always said that she was a sweetheart.”
“Yeah,” he said, nodding. “That fits.”
“I’m sorry you lost her,” I said quietly.
“I’m sorry Kara lost her,” he replied, smoothing his hand over his beard. “She was a good mom.”
“She’s lucky she has you,” I said.
“I don’t know about that,” Mack said with a huff. “But I’m doin’ my best.”
“You’re a fantastic dad.”
“Had a good example growin’ up,” he replied.
I wanted to ask why he didn’t want more kids. I wanted to point out that he was already so good at doing it alone, and that it would be so much better if we could do it together. I wanted to tell him that the thought of never having his babies made my chest ache, that I wanted to be able to help with Kara. To take her dress shopping when she started going to school dances and talk to her about boys and explain to her why her attitude wasn’t going to help her when she was trying to convince him of something.
I didn’t say any of that. When I opened my mouth, something far different came out.
“Me and Cecilia hid behind a tree during the shooting,” I told him. I didn’t have to clarify which shooting. Everyone knew the story of how a group of men had attacked us at our family barbecue, killing my great gram, our president and his wife, and my older brother Mick.
“Oh, yeah?” he said softly.
“It was barely big enough for both of us,” I said, the memory never too far from my mind. “So she stood with her back to it, and held me against the front of her. Every time a shot hit the tree, it made this thunk sound, and I swear we could feel it. I don’t know how neither of us was hit.”
“She protected you,” he replied.
“Yep.” I nodded. “Too bad she was such a bitch every other moment of her life, or we probably would’ve been closer.”
Mack let out a surprised chuckle.
“I’m thankful,” I said with a shrug. “And I’d do the same for her, but it doesn’t excuse all the other stuff.”
“Can you get outta there now?” Mack asked abruptly. “I’m sorry—it’s just really fuckin’ with me.”
“It’s getting cold, anyway,” I replied, reaching behind me to pull out the stopper. As we both got to our feet, Mack shuddered.
“That sound,” he said, shaking his head. “Jesus.”
I stepped over the lip of the tub and wrapped my arms around him, getting water everywhere. I closed my eyes and inhaled the familiar scent of his detergent as he held me against his chest. With heartbreaking certainty, I knew that the moment we left that bathroom, things would go back to exactly as they’d been.
We hadn’t fixed anything. I loved Mack and I knew he loved me. I was as sure of that as I’d been of anything in my entire life—but that didn’t change the situation we were in. I’d thought it over, sometimes all night long, trying to convince myself that I could give up babies if that meant I had Mack.
The reality was, I couldn’t. I wanted to be a mother. And maybe that made me selfish, or shortsighted, but it was the truth. I wanted to raise Kara and give her brothers and sisters, and Mack would never give me that. It was over between us. It had to be. Drawing it out would only make things worse for everyone in the end.
* * *
A couple months later, I was still struggling with the decision I’d made.
I knew that I was being a miserable human. No one wanted to be around me. I snapped at my family when they tried to be nice, the way I teased Lily had gone from funny to mean, and I was generally just horrible company. I wanted to change, to go back to my normal self, but I just couldn’t seem to do it. I was so angry. Angry with myself for not being able to let go of being a mother. Angry with Mack for not wanting children with me. Angry with fate that I’d fallen in love with a man that wasn’t right for me.
There was a part of me, deep down inside, that was also embarrassed. How did I tell people that the man I’d fallen in love with didn’t want to have children with me? That he didn’t even trust me with the child he already had? When my sister-in-law Hawk cornered me one day, asking what had happened, I’d frozen. When I’d finally gotten my mouth to work, I’d mumbled something about Mack wanting someone else and rushed off before she could ask me questions. I’d felt like shit for lying, but the lie had seemed so much simpler than the truth.
I hadn’t seen Mack in almost a month. It had taken some serious dedication and reconnaissance, but I’d been able to successfully avoid him. And I hated it. I hated not seeing his face. I hated that I didn’t know if his hair had gotten longer, or if he’d trimmed his beard lately. I hated knowing that he was driving Kara around in the Mustang now that the weather was shitty, but I’d never seen him do it. Mack behind the wheel of a muscle car was a wet dream come to life, and I was missing it.
I hated that I didn’t know what was going on with Kara. That I had to accidentally drop by at the same time that she was over at my brother’s or aunt’s houses, just to be able to see her at all. I hated that we’d just spent Thanksgiving apart, and I’d been weak enough to answer when he’d called to wish me a happy holiday from wherever he was spending the weekend with his parents.
He’d called me at least once a week since the day of Charlie’s birthday, just to check in and see how I was. I understood it. I knew that he loved me, and the separation was as hard for him as it was for me, but I’d stopped taking the calls.
I couldn’t keep that connection anymore. It was killing me. I barely slept. I’d lost twenty pounds because my appetite was gone. I wasn’t moving forward—I was stuck.
“Rose,” Lily snapped, making me drop my phone to my lap. “I asked if you could pick up Gray for me tomorrow. With my mom gone, I don’t have anyone to grab him from school.”
“Sure,” I said, shooting her a smile. “Have you heard from your parents yet? What has CeeCee gotten herself into?”
“No, I still don’t know anything,” she shook her head. “But Trix heard from Cam and said they made it to San Diego.”
“Why are they being so mysterious about the whole thing?” I asked. “It seems a bit dramatic, even for CeeCee.”
“Who knows,” she replied with a sigh. “I’ve learned to just live my own life and try not to let her stress me out.”
“Good call,” I replied, glancing at my phone again.
“Stop checking your phone,” she ordered quietly. “You don’t answer when he calls, anyway.”
“I know, it’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid. It didn’t work out, he needs to stop bothering you.”
“He’s not bothering me,” I argued.
“You’ve lost a ton of weight and your skin looks like crap,” she retorted. “You’re trying to move on and he’s not letting you. It’s bullshit.”
“He probably thinks I’ll change my mind,” I mumbled, glancing at my phone again.
“Do you think he’ll change his mind?” she asked.
I thought about the absolute finality in his voice when he told me that Kara wasn’t mine to raise and that he didn’t want any more kids. The frustration in his voice when he’d tried to talk me out of leaving, never once giving an inch. The way his voice had gone rough when he’d talked about Mia.
“No, I don’t,” I replied.
“Then he should give you the same respect,” she said, sitting back in
her chair.
“I don’t want him to stop calling,” I confessed with an uncomfortable laugh. “It means he’s still thinking about me.”
“Rose,” Lily said softly, her eyes sad. “Don’t settle. He made it really clear what he was willing to give you and what he wasn’t.”
“I know,” I replied, sitting up straight. “I know that.”
“I hate this for you. I know you thought he was the one.”
“It’s embarrassing,” I said with a watery laugh. “Why does this always happen to me? We have this conversation over and over, and I still keep finding these guys who aren’t right for me and then completely falling apart.”
“You haven’t fallen apart,” she said firmly. “You’re sad. You have the right to be sad.”
“This hurts so much worse than it ever has before,” I choked out. “Before, it was like I was grieving a dream that I’d lost, you know? I was so intent on finding someone and when it didn’t work out, I was so disappointed.”
“I know you were.”
“But now?” I shook my head. “Lily, it feels like someone died.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I huffed and scrubbed my hands over my face. “Now, it sounds like I’m trying to convince you that this time is different.”
“Listen,” she said, pulling my hands away from my face. “I hesitate to say this, because I don’t want to make things harder for you…”
“Oh, great,” I mumbled.
“But, this time is different,” she said, ignoring my comment. “Mack’s a good guy who loves you. He was good to you and he wanted to spend his life with you.”
I held back a sob.
“But that’s not enough, Rose,” she said. “It isn’t. Because you want two very different futures.”
“I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to have kids with me,” I whispered hoarsely. “Or why he doesn’t trust me with Kara.”
“I don’t, either,” Lily replied with a sigh. “But I have a feeling it doesn’t actually have anything to do with you.”
* * *
All my nights at work had started to blend together, and that night wasn’t any different. My customers didn’t amuse me anymore, I was dead on my feet most of the time, and it was no longer funny when idiots tried to pick me up. Bottom line, I didn’t want to be around people, which made bartending a chore.
Craving Rose (The Aces' Sons) Page 20
