by Ivy Smoak
I tried to hold it together as Matt opened the taxi door for me. And as he held my hand, winding me through the tombstones until we got to a patch of fresh dirt. And as I forced myself to not fall to my knees.
If Matt wasn’t here, I knew what I’d probably do. I’d cry big ugly tears. I’d sit on my uncle’s grave and have a conversation with him, like I so often did at my mom’s gravesite. I’d cry some more. I’d pray to go back in time. And most importantly, I’d tell him I was sorry that he gave up his last several weeks on earth to take care of me. I owed him everything.
But Matt was here. So I didn’t do any of those things. Instead, I just stared. I stared at the gravestone and tried to tell myself to hold it together. But in the end the grief won. I wasn’t strong enough to hold it in. I missed my uncle. I missed him so fucking much. And I regretted that the whole time my uncle was here with me, I’d been missing my mom instead of appreciating him. He’d never know how grateful I was that he’d taken me in when I didn’t have anyone else. He’d never know.
Instead of saying a word, Matt just held me so I wouldn’t fall. He let me cry all over his school blazer. I was pretty sure some snot got on there too, but he didn’t even flinch. When I’d sat on my mother’s grave, I had never felt so alone in my life. I expected the same thing to happen right now. But it didn’t. Because I wasn’t alone. I had Matt.
I closed my eyes hard and tried to stop the tears from falling. And my thoughts latched on to the first distraction, even though it wasn’t a great one. My mother didn’t want me to know who my father was. My uncle wanted to keep me from it too. Even Mrs. Alcaraz wanted to protect me from whatever went on under the Pruitts’ roof. Standing there on top of the dirt I was devastated. I couldn’t even stop the tears streaming down my cheeks. But mostly? I was terrified. Because I didn’t know why I needed protection from my own father. I knew his daughter was cold and cruel. It was likely Mr. Pruitt was those things too. But what if it was something worse?
Right now the only thing that felt worse, though, was knowing what moving in with the Pruitts would mean. It would force me to see Matt even less. There would be no late-night sneaking into my bedroom. Or coming over for dinner. I’d be living with Isabella…the one person that wouldn’t allow our relationship. She’d take Matt away from me for good. And he was the only thing holding me together.
But there was nothing to say. Matt knew it too. He was doing everything he could to fix it. So I just had to wait. But I’d never been good at that. I’d never been good at wasting time. Because time was the only thing that was limited.
I started to cry harder. I cried for my uncle. I cried for my mother. And I cried for myself too. Because it was then that I realized that I had been wasting time. I’d been taking life for granted. The one thing I knew for sure I couldn’t. I’d wasted away the time I had with my uncle. My last real home. My last real semblance of normal. It was gone before I ever really got a chance to appreciate it. And now I had to spend all my foreseeable time with a family I hated. A family who might have secrets worse than their cruelty. A family everyone who loved me tried to protect me from.
“He knew that you loved him,” Matt said and kissed the top of my head. “He knew.”
I was too embarrassed to tell him that I was mostly crying because I was scared.
Chapter 5
Friday
Felix was great at making me laugh. But the thought of going to gym and running when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry made me actually feel ill. Besides, I didn’t need anyone else staring at me with concern. Kennedy kept poking me during English and asking if I was okay. And I was tired of putting on a smile and lying. I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t even a little bit okay. I couldn’t focus in class. I couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen after school today. I felt paralyzed.
The nurse smiled at me when I made my way into her office. “Oh my, your face is so pale. Tell me what hurts.”
“It’s just cramps,” I said and sat down on one of the beds. It was the second time I’d come in here with the lie. Eventually she’d have to catch on. But I just hoped she wouldn’t today. I made a show of lying down as I clutched my stomach. Please let me stay here for the rest of the day. Scratch that. The rest of the year would be preferable. Maybe I could just sleep here too. It would be better than living with the Pruitts.
She nodded at me, but this time she didn’t hand me a Midol or a glass of water. “Cramps again?” she asked.
Apparently the gig of fake periods was up. I didn’t even know what to say. I didn’t have enough energy to continue with the lie or make up a new one. So I just lay there and tried not to cry. Maybe she’d think I was depressed and just leave me alone. But I had no such luck.
She sat down on the bed next to me. “Your uncle was a great man.”
Did she think this was going to help me? I closed my eyes tight, trying to keep the tears at bay.
“I think that maybe a visit to the counselor might be better than camping out here. I can write you a note if you want.”
I kept my eyes closed. “I just need a few minutes,” I said. “Then I’ll go back to class, I promise.”
She patted my shin. “Okay, dear. A nap always makes me feel better too.”
The mattress shifted when she stood up. And I waited until I heard her typing on her computer before I let myself cry as silently as I could.
***
When she patted my shin again, I jolted awake. A few minutes had definitely turned into a lot more. My stomach growled and she smiled.
“Lunch is about to start,” she said. “How about you go get some food. If you want you can even bring it back here.”
I wiped the sleepy out of my eyes as I sat up. “No, that’s okay.” A normal lunch actually sounded really great right now. Felix could make me laugh without the run. And Kennedy and I could talk without having to whisper. It was exactly what I needed.
Before I could leave she handed me a slip of paper. It was an appointment with the school counselor.
“If you can’t make that time work, just stop by her office and she’ll reschedule you.”
“Yeah.” I shoved it into my blazer pocket without even looking at the time on the sheet. I didn’t need a school counselor. I wasn’t worried about grades or getting into the right college. I was worried about sleeping in enemy territory and not having any family left. “Thanks.” I hurried out of her office before she had a chance to reply.
The cafeteria was already buzzing when I walked in. I was glad Matt had left me a salad in my locker like always because the lines were still long. I sat down in my usual spot across from Kennedy. She was laughing at something her boyfriend, Cupcake, had just whispered in her ear. It was tempting to grab her camera and snap a photo of the two of them. They looked so happy. And I was happy for her. I really was. But that didn’t mean that I wasn’t horribly sad right now. I sniffed and hoped they hadn’t heard.
“You made me run all alone,” Felix said as he plopped his tray down next to me.
I laughed, but it sounded forced with the counselor note burning a hole in my pocket and the sadness stabbing at my heart. “You really expect me to believe you ran without me instead of sitting on the bleachers?”
“I kinda like running now. What, you think I did it every day just to hang out with you?” He winked at me. “Please, that would be desperate.”
My smile felt genuine now. “Quite desperate.”
He laughed. “Well, I will admit that running is better with a partner. Where were you?”
I didn’t want to talk about my tearful slumber at the nurse’s office. And it was like Kennedy could feel the awkwardness in the air because she jumped in to save me.
“Dessert is always better than running.” She held out her latest box of treats from Cupcake.
Felix grabbed one of the pastries and took a big bite. “Can’t disagree with that.”
I pushed my salad around with my fork instead of starting with dessert
. Just seeing the name Dickson and Son’s Sugarcakes made me want to cry. My uncle had loved them, but I’d been forcing him to eat healthier. I’d been ruining his last few weeks without even knowing it. If I’d been dying, I would have wanted all the dessert I could get too. My stomach twisted into knots.
“Sissy, aren’t you going to sit with me?” Isabella asked from behind me. The words themselves were friendly. But the way she said it wasn’t.
The knots in my stomach grew tighter. I turned around and looked up at her smiling face. “Maybe Monday?” I said. “I really just need a normal day.”
She rolled her eyes. “Why be normal when you can be elite?”
Was that a serious question? I didn’t want to be elite or however else she described herself. Besides, Cupcake and Felix were just as elite as her. And Kennedy’s personality was a thousand times more elite that Isabella’s.
“Come, come,” she said like there was no possible excuse to what she’d said. “And I’m sorry, Kennedy. I forgot to tell everyone and I was only able to save one seat.”
“Really, Isabella,” I said. “Monday would be better…”
“But Daddy insisted.” She stuck out her lower lip, like that would somehow affect my decision.
Ew. I heard Kennedy pretend to gag and tried not to laugh.
Isabella cleared her throat. “Trust me, Sissy. You don’t want to upset Daddy. If I tell him that I invited you to sit with me and you refused…well…you don’t want to see what happens when he gets mad.”
My heartbeat kicked up a notch. No, I really didn’t want to know what her father was like when he was mad. My father. Yeah, I was definitely going to be sick.
“You could sit with us,” Kennedy said. “There’s a seat right there.” She pointed to the one on the other side of me.
“No. I sit at that table.” She pointed to the Untouchables’ table. And for the first time I looked over too. Matt was staring at me so intensely. The two seats across from him were empty. Which meant…I’d be sitting with Matt at lunch for the first time since we started secretly dating. And now that we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend? That didn’t seem like such a bad thing. I wouldn’t be alone over there. I’d have him.
“It’s just a table,” Kennedy said.
Isabella ignored her and looked back at me. “Last chance, Sissy. Or Daddy will be hearing all about this.”
I lifted my salad off the table. “Okay.”
“You don’t have to sit with her,” Felix said and grabbed my arm.
It wasn’t that I wanted to sit there. I didn’t. Not even if it got me closer to Matt. But I had to go. Because I was already scared of Mr. Pruitt. “It’s just for today,” I said. I looked at Kennedy and hoped she could read my mind. I didn’t want her to think I was ditching her. I’d figure a way out of this from here on out. But today? I might have to spend all weekend with the Pruitts. I didn’t want to start that off on bad terms.
I followed Isabella over to her table. She sat down across from Matt, and I sat down next to her.
Matt was staring at Isabella now. But not the way he stared at me. He looked beyond pissed off. I hoped he never looked at me like that. No one said a word to me when I sat down. And I felt myself shrinking. I focused my gaze on my salad and hoped the next twenty minutes would hurry up already.
The person next to me cleared his throat up. I looked up. I hadn’t even realized that Isabella had made me sit right next to James.
He gave me a sheepish smile.
I looked back down at my salad.
“Brooklyn.” He nudged me with his shoulder. “I’m really sorry about your uncle.”
“Thanks.” I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I hated those words. And he wasn’t sorry. Because if he was, he’d apologize for what he did to my uncle. Not apologize for his untimely death. I’m sorry? Screw you.
“And I’m sorry about what happened in the cafeteria before. I didn’t know about your mom. I swear.”
That sounded a little more sincere. But I knew the only reason he was apologizing was because Matt probably made him. And I didn’t want to play games with any of these people. I just wanted to go back to my normal seat. “Why else would I live with my uncle? Did that thought really not cross your mind?”
He ran his fingers through his perfect hair. “Honestly?” he asked, lowering his voice. “I wasn’t thinking at all. That was the whole problem.” He stared down at his food like I had been doing a moment ago.
Something about the action pulled at my heart. He was actually sorry. I could feel it. And ultimately, he was Matt’s friend. Which meant…wasn’t he going to be mine too? And maybe, just maybe, a little bit of the reason I was angry at him was because he was part of the reason keeping Matt away from me. But that was Isabella’s fault, not his. And I couldn’t put that blame on him. I needed to stop blaming him for something he knew nothing about.
“It’s okay,” I said and nudged him with my shoulder like he’d done to me when I first sat down. “Maybe we can just start over? I’m Brooklyn.” I awkwardly held out my hand.
He looked back up at me with a smile on his face. “Deal.” He shook my hand.
“Sissy, you’re not making a good first impression,” Isabella said. “Introduce yourself to everyone, not just James.”
I let my hand fall out of James’. “Oh. Um. Hi, I’m Brooklyn.” But I was pretty sure everyone already knew me. Isabella and her minions had been trying to make my life hell ever since I started going here. Matt obviously knew me. Rob knew me. James knew me. I’d even met Mason once at a party.
“Sup, Sanders?” Rob asked as he shoveled some pasta into his mouth. “Are you really related to Isabella? That’s…wild.”
“Yeah.” I wasn’t sure why it came out as more of a question.
“Sucks to suck,” Mason said with a laugh. “Just kidding. So you’re friends with Felix and Cupcake?” He nodded at the table behind me.
I didn’t turn around. I knew they were probably staring over here. And I was worried if I turned around I’d run back over to them. “Mhm.” I took a bite of salad and prayed that no one else would speak to me.
“So now that we’re friends, does that mean I get a discount?” asked Mason.
I stared at him. First of all, he’d only ever spoken a few sentences to me. The only things I knew about Mason were that he was the Empire High quarterback and he liked to smoke pot on the weekends. That didn’t make us friends. And second of all…what was he even talking about? A discount on drugs? Because Felix stopped selling. Mason must realize that. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I took another bite of lettuce.
Mason put his elbows on the table and leaned forward. I couldn’t help but think that somewhere out there, someone would have fainted at the sight of such a brash disregard for etiquette. “Of course you do,” he said. “Everyone knows that you and Felix are…close.”
The word “close” was laced in innuendo. It felt like my lettuce went down the wrong pipe and I started coughing. I swallowed a huge gulp of water and tried to ignore Matt’s angry gaze. “We’re not that close,” I said as soon as I could speak again.
“Great, you met Mason,” Isabella said.
For a second I thought she was saving me from the awkward conversation. But then she opened her mouth again.
“And speaking of close, this is Matt,” she said. “We’re super close.” She said the word the same way Mason had. “And I think you two have a class together, right?”
I looked up at Matt. The intensity from his gaze was gone. He nodded. “Yup.” He didn’t offer anything else.
Everyone at the table was quiet.
James was kind to me. Rob was his usual funny self. Mason was…at least interested in talking to me. But that one simple yup hurt more than I wanted to admit. A few hours ago he’d asked me to be his girlfriend. And now he couldn’t even look at me? I wasn’t sure if I was cut out for a secret relationship.
“The other night when Matt a
nd I were hanging out…he told me that you two and Rob have a group project together,” said Isabella. “It’ll be so fun now that we can all just hang out and work on it at my place. Sorry…our place.” She smiled at me with all her sweet insincerity.
They were hanging out together the other night? As in one of the nights he’d come over to my uncle’s apartment to hold me while I cried myself to sleep? Had he held her too? Right before he held me? I tried to take a deep breath. “Yup,” I said, mimicking my brooding silent boyfriend who was a fantastic actor. So fantastic that it stung. So fantastic that I wanted to cry. So fantastic that I hated him in that moment.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said hang out. Because you’re not friends with any of them. It’s just a group project that you were forced to do together. That’s what Matt told me the other night when we were hanging out just the two of us alone in my room. Right, Matt?”
He didn’t respond. He just sat there and stared at her. Her. Not me. I tried to swallow down the hurt.
“What the hell, Matt?” Rob asked. “We both know that’s not…”
“Rob, no one cares what sarcastic thing you have to say,” Isabella said. “So keep it to yourself, yes?”
“Fuck off, troll,” he said.
She ignored him and turned to me. “Speaking of things that don’t belong to you.”
“No one was speaking of that,” Mason said with a laugh.
She glared at him and then back at me. “Speaking of things that don’t belong to you,” she repeated. “I need my blazer back. Right now,” she added when I didn’t respond.
“What?” I didn’t have a spare. Her dad said I could wear this one today. “The only other one I have is back at Kennedy’s house. And I’ll get in trouble if I’m not wearing it.”
“Yeah, but I got a spot on mine.” She pointed to absolutely nothing on one of her lapels. “You can’t expect me to walk around like this all day.”
I shook my head. “I don’t see anything.”
“Oh.” She laughed. “That’s right. I’m sorry. It was actually on yours.” She lifted the milk off her tray and poured it down the front of my blazer before I even realized what she was about to do.
