I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Say goodbye and be gracious about it.
Sitting in the car, faced with the prospect of no more Tia, I leaned toward her. Her eyes fluttered shut, as she leaned in to close the distance between us. Closing my eyes, I opened my other senses to absorb Tia in. The soft, fullness of her lips as they met mine. The mix of her fruity Lip Smackers and the lavender scent from her hair circling around me. Her cold hands caressed my face, a dichotomy to the fire she stirred within me. Her low sigh turned into a moan, when I deepened the kiss, unbuckled her, and pulled her into my lap to straddle me.
I didn’t need sight to feel how right she was in my lap or know that I could spend the rest of my life relearning her lips and the shape of her.
Trying to show her with my body and hands and lips, I poured all of my want and need into this stolen moment and willed her to understand just how necessary she was to me. At the moment, I would have traded a lifetime of air and water for her next kiss. For her to whisper that I was necessary to her.
I was frantic for her touches. Desperate for the way she moaned my name, as if it was a secret pulled out of her. Blood roaring to the delicious spot where our bodies fit, I rocked against her, drawing out a moan. Too fucking good.
All of a sudden, Tia tore her mouth away from me, my lifeboat tossed away in this storm. Her lips were puffy from our ardor. Her eyes heavy with lust. Her broken breaths matching my poor attempt at catching my breath. She was the woman of my dreams and the woman to wreak havoc in them. I had never been so turned on.
I made a move to pull her closer. I would always want her closer.
She pulled her head back to stare at me.
At her pull-back, deflated, I deposited Tia back in her seat and slumped back against mine, trying unsuccessfully to forget how her body had felt on mine. My frenzied and uncoordinated attempts to woo her must have scared her.
I thought about baring my feelings to her, however complicated they were, and hoped that she felt even a fraction of the same. A tiny bit in return would be enough, because what I felt for her was so immense and strong that it could carry both of us.
If I thought that this had the remotest chance of working, I would have gotten on my knees to plead for our future. Except, she had pulled back. And with that motion, I knew without a doubt that she was not ready to reciprocate.
So I tucked the words that I hadn’t fully articulated even to myself back inside the center of my heart and allowed numbness to enclose them. They would stay trapped inside as my burden.
The silence stretched, as I acknowledged the end of us. Sure, we might check in on each other every now and then, but that would never be enough. Casual acquaintances were nowhere near what I wanted us to be.
“So.” Tia’s eyes widened impossibly more as they searched mine. There was a question in her eyes. It was the same look as before I had kissed her. Nervousness hung around her.
Those pesky tentacles with spears gripped my insides. “Oh, I see.”
“What, um, what do you see?” she asked nervously.
Of course. Tia would try to be gracious about this and wouldn’t want to ask outright, not when I was defeated. She was kind-hearted, and I loved that about her. “I’ll hold up my side of the deal. You gave us a try, and it’s not going to work—”
“Not going to work?”
“Right.” I nodded past the bitterness. “I get it, it was fun hanging out, but fun doesn’t mean forever. When I get back to Chicago, I’ll sign those divorce papers. You’re free.”
“Free?”
“You know what I mean, you’re free to do whatever. I won’t bother you anymore.” The thought of being apart from Tia would never cease to destroy me.
“Oh.” Her lovely full lips were a grim line of unhappiness.
I didn’t like that she looked unhappy, especially when I was the cause. I hurried to add, “I’m still glad you told me about Joy and showed me this place. It means so much to me that you trusted me.”
Nodding, she said in a carefully even tone, “Well, you were the father, even if I told you way after the fact. I guess we still have the past.”
“Yes, I guess so.”
“But no future.”
Did her voice rise in a question? Did she not trust me to accept that I lost? Hell, part of me didn’t accept and would cling to the memory of her forever. But I said I was going to sign those damn papers, and I would.
“I’ll make sure to get those papers to your lawyer as soon as I get home,” I stressed.
“Oh, okay. So this is it, huh?”
What was this fucking torture that Tia was putting me through? This awkward, weird, confusing conversation was just prolonging the flood of pain. Exhausted and jittery from the roller coaster of the past month, I opened my car door to escape the pain. “Okay, I have to go, Tia. I—”
“Oh, Andrew—”
My head whipped back to face her. “Yes?”
Red colored her cheeks and nose, as her eyes darted away from mine. “Um … actually, I was thinking, you know, I sort of thought … Never mind.”
Big sigh. “I guess I’ll see you sometime.”
Tia lifted her head finally, her eyes miserable as she stared up at me. Okay, she looked officially sad now. Good job, Parker, always a great idea to spread some misery on your way out.
With everything to say and nothing that could be said, I stepped out of the car. Bracing myself, I memorized Tia’s face and her sad little smile, as my arm rose to give a wordless goodbye before closing the door shut.
What a fucking metaphor.
Weary, I trudged back to my rental car, feeling the vastness of my empty heart. Tia was gone. That word echoed, like a violent wave pulling me under. It was rare to get second chances, and I hadn’t been able to convert my chance into something more permanent. There would be no third chance.
For a loner, I had never really felt alone in my life until this moment. Not only was I literally alone by the side of the road on this blustery almost-winter day, there was an almost-physical hole in my heart created by the loss of Tia. Knowing what it was like to be happy and hopeful, however brief the moment, made this time so much more painful.
And there was nothing that I could do.
Chapter Nineteen
Andrew
April 13, 2009
Ting Ting,
It’s Monday. It’s been only a day since I saw you. I might miss you already.
Your official boyfriend,
Andrew
Yesterday, I couldn’t wait to fly to Breckenridge.
Yesterday was a different world.
Today, I couldn’t wait to get out of Breckenridge. Today ended with a world with no Tia.
Yet, no matter the gaping pain that was dulling my mind and numbing my body, I had to move on. I packed my hotel room in a hurry, throwing the little stuff that I had brought into a small duffel. My flight back to Chicago wasn’t scheduled until tomorrow, and there were no more flights tonight that I could switch to. But I simply could not stay in the hotel anymore. I could not do nothing.
It was a fifteen-hour drive back to Chicago. I figured that I could drive partway tonight, find some random hotel, and finish driving by midday tomorrow. I would arrive in Chicago after my scheduled flight but it was crucial that I get out of Colorado tonight.
Once I got home, I planned to throw myself into work. If I didn’t have enough work to fill twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I was sure there were enough contracts at Cipher Systems and its more than a dozen subsidiaries that I could review. Just to make sure that there weren’t any loopholes. Plus, laws changed all the time. Now that I thought about it, I hadn’t been keeping up with recent court cases. Sometimes, those judicial rulings and associated statements contained nuggets that I could use in contract negotiations or disputes.
And, I had heard some rumblings of potential work in Tennessee. I could study for the Tennessee bar or apply for reciprocity. Really, I was just being proact
ive about work. Not avoiding all thoughts of Tia.
In fact, I could even look up instructions for reciprocity right now. Get a head start. I put down the shirt that I was trying unsuccessfully to fold and pulled up my phone.
A text notification stared back at me. It was from fifteen minutes ago.
Tia: Hey, Andrew, where are you staying at? I have something to drop off.
Quickly, I tapped out the name of the hotel and my room number.
This was strange. Part of me was excited to see her—the part of me that was stupid and didn’t learn. So I tried not to listen to that part. The other part of me—the rational, self-protective part—was pissed. What the hell was so important that Tia had to come over in person? I preferred ripping off the Band-Aid, not this slow, bloody torture. Clearly, she had only platonic feelings for me, because if she wanted me, she would already be here with me.
I hoped she wasn’t bringing me food. I didn’t want her to pity me so much that she felt as if she needed to feed me. No dumplings– that was the ultimate platonic comfort food.
A tap at the door startled me. I looked at the clock on my phone. Only two minutes since I had texted Tia. Too fast for her to have driven all the way from her parents’ house. It was probably someone from the hotel.
Except it wasn’t.
My heart tripped over itself at the sight of Tia in the doorway. One of her hands gripped a suitcase, the other was in her hair as if I had caught her finger-combing the long strands.
Her breath hitched, as if she were equally surprised to see me. As if she hadn’t just knocked on my door.
A smile spread across my face. I didn’t know why I was so happy. “Hi.”
An answering smile spread across Ting’s face, as she relaxed a fraction. “Hi.”
“How did you get here so fast?”
“You used to like this hotel when we were kids. I assumed you were staying here, so I taxied over and was already in the lobby when you texted back.” She looked embarrassed at her admission.
Nodding without any idea what I was agreeing to, I let my eyes greedily absorb Tia. She looked oddly dressed up for going to the airport. I didn’t know much about fashion, but her dress and tights visible under her unzipped coat caught me by surprise. “So, um, what—”
“Can I come in? I feel weird having a conversation out in the hallway,” she interrupted me.
“Um, sure, come in.” Opening the door wider, I stepped aside to let her and her suitcase into my room.
“You said you had to drop something off?” I asked, trying to steer my mind back to a safe subject.
A flaming blush colored Tia’s cheeks as she looked anxiously at my nose, avoiding my eyes. I was starting to feel discomfort due to her unease. Trying to help her, I prompted, “Where is it? Is it food?” Please, don’t let it be pity food.
I didn’t think it was possible, but Tia blushed even more. Scrunching up her nose, she looked at me briefly before averting her eyes. In a voice so quiet that I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly, she whispered, “Not food. Me.”
“What?” I nearly shouted.
The booming surprise in my voice caused her to take a step backward, her eyes wide as if she had been caught with her hands down her underwear.
That tiny, two-lettered word, “me,” kindled the imagination I didn’t even realize I had. My blood and thoughts were torpedoing toward that certain, very insistent area of my body. I saw her hands down her underwear, doing naughty things to herself. I saw her spread out in front of me letting me feast on her like a starving man. I saw her on top using me to achieve her pleasure.
I had to shift uncomfortably and clasp my hands in front of me, to hide my reaction. Unsuccessfully.
Her eyes tracked my movement, as a gasp spilled out of her lovely, full mouth. To the growing tent in my pants, she said, only slightly louder than before. “I’m dropping myself off … With you. If you want?”
Yes, I do want! What came out was, “To do what?” In case she was thinking we sign the divorce papers together, or something platonic, like do a puzzle together. I needed to be a hundred percent sure. I needed her to be hundred percent sure.
“Whatever you want?” Her cheeks blazed impossibly redder.
I didn’t think it was possible for my pants to get even tighter. I took deep breaths to control myself. As much as I wanted—no—needed to kiss her right this minute, I didn’t understand what the fuck was happening.
Tia glanced up at me, her brown eyes steadier now. “Before I flew out to Colorado, Clayton called me to see where I was at. We chatted.”
Fuck.
Anguish stabbed me. I was an idiot. Yet again, I allowed myself to hope. Clayton was Tia’s future. Whereas … I didn’t know what I was. Best-case scenario, I was a one-night stand.
“He asked if I was interested in getting back together…I told him no. Whatever happens with you, Clayton no longer makes sense for me. Clayton and I aren’t a great fit. I shouldn’t have let that relationship get that far; I realize that now. Our two weeks together showed me that I still feel something for you. But I didn’t want to jump into a new relationship with you until the situation with Clayton was completely resolved. Anyway, I called the wedding planner a few days ago and told her to officially cancel everything.”
I was too stunned to say anything.
Tia swallowed hard, blushing once again before continuing. “I was hoping we could forget about the divorce for now and give our marriage another try? A real try?”
“You pulled back in the car,” I stated. My head spun from her pushing me away earlier to her asking me now to try again.
She laughed nervously. “I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m so used to trying to resist you. I think I got scared for a moment. It’s one thing to know what I want. It’s a completely different thing to give voice to it and take action. I don’t want to be rejected.”
Bravely, she took a step toward me, her eyes on me.
Before her next step, my feet were already moving toward her. Toward this courageous, strong woman. My arms pulled her toward me, framing her face, lifting her lips to mine. Euphoria soared in me, as I sank into the kiss. Tia was everything to me, and she had chosen me.
Us.
There was an us.
She wanted there to be an us.
“I’m yours as long as you want me,” I promised her. My kiss was a reflection of the desperation in me. I craved the feel of her, the smell of her, the sounds of her. I deepened the kiss, sweeping my tongue into her open mouth, pulling her into mine. My hands moved frantically over her, throwing off her jacket, unzipping her dress.
I knew I should slow down. I couldn’t. I wanted to feel her skin against mine. In the most primitive way, I wanted to mark her as mine and be branded as hers.
My lips marked a path toward her neck, where she was especially sensitive. She moaned softly and let her head fall, granting me access to her soft skin. Her hands were just as greedy, fisting in my hair, as she held me tightly to her. Her nails scorched me lightly over my shirt, and I welcomed the pain. I welcomed any sign that I wasn’t in this storm alone.
Tia moved one of her hands down to my chest, palm over my heart. For a moment, I froze. “Do you want to stop?” My voice was ragged, deep.
“Does it look like I want to stop?” That hand on my chest fisted my shirt and pulled me thankfully closer to her.
I breathed a sigh of relief before diving back into her luscious mouth. My tongue imitated what my dick was craving to do, drawing out groans from both of us.
My hands unclasped her bra, letting her breasts spill out. Stepping back reluctantly from her lips, I looked at her. Tia shivered as her breasts were bared, though she held herself still for my perusal.
She took my breath away. Her breasts were round and firm, her nipples hardening under my stare. Her heated eyes followed me as I devoured her with my eyes, storing this image into my permanent files. This moment in my forever gallery.
“How c
ould I have forgotten this?” I breathed in awe, my hands reaching to cup her.
There was a light pressure as she arched into my hands. Self-consciously, she responded, “I’ve changed. My body has changed. I’ve gained some weight.”
Shaking my head, I squeezed her tenderly, loving the weight of her. “You are beautiful. Then. Now.” To show how much I loved her body and because I really wanted to, my thumbs brushed over her pebbled peaks. Her low moan soothed my nerves.
Touching her was turning me on. I loved the sounds that she made. Her breathy moans when I flicked her nipples, her intake of breath when I leaned down to taste them, her panting when I sucked her into my mouth. I couldn’t get enough.
Tia’s hands moved over me, plucking at my clothes ineffectively. She was too distracted to make headway. In a frustrated tone, she demanded, “Andrew, please … please … I need to feel you.”
“Anything for you, Tia.” I stepped back from her, immediately missing her. As I pulled off clothes, Tia sank down onto the bed, her appreciative look making me overeager and clumsy. I was glad she liked what she saw. Her opinions and expectations mattered to me.
When I finally yanked off my boxer briefs and sprung free, Tia’s mouth formed an O. An O that made me think about how her mouth could wrap around me. An O that made me think about just how tight she would be around me.
“I think you’ve gotten bigger.” She chuckled nervously.
“I’m hungry for you,” I said, stepping closer to her. Her mouth moved toward that part that jutted fiercely at her.
Yes! I wanted almost nothing more than to lean into her warm, wet mouth. Except I needed Tia to want to do this with me again. And again. And again. Because I was never going to tire of her.
Instead, I kneeled before her. I took off her tights and growled at the sight of her tiny red thong. Tia came dressed to play. If this wasn’t the first time in a decade, I might have done something more creative, like taken her thong off with my teeth. But it was the first time in way too long, and I was impatient to taste her. I ripped off the thong and threw it somewhere behind me.
Give Love a Chai (Common Threads Book 2) Page 17
