by Quin Perin
Jamie still said nothing.
“Come on, kid. It's fine. I don't care that you're gay. You’re my baby bro. You know I love you.”
“Go away. Leave me alone.”
Jay huffed. “Fine. ‘Of course you realize, this means war.’”
“Quoting Bugs Bunny won't work, jerkwad. Go away.”
The wooden floor creaked as Jay stood and then walked away. Jamie wasn't sure if that was better or worse.
Minutes or hours later, Jamie couldn't tell, Jay came back, and he brought with him a delicious aroma.
Tamales.
Despite himself, Jamie's mouth began to water.
“I've got tamales from Abuela,” Jay sang. “All for you. All you have to do is open the door.”
Jay did not play fair. Jamie tried to resist, but he found himself drawn out of bed and over to the door. He opened it just far enough to grab for the plate of tamales Jay held.
Jay pushed his way into the room, holding the food just out of Jamie's reach. He turned around, closed the door, then said, “Jesus fucking Christ, Baby J. What happened to your face?”
Jamie pouted. “I want tamales.”
“Well, I wanna know who gave you a black eye.”
“If I tell you, do you promise not to do anything?”
“Fuck no. But I will give you the plate of my abuela's tamales, and a fork.”
Jamie weighed his options. “Fine. It was Cody Petersen. I sucked him off a few times—”
“Fuck, you're only thirteen. Jesus.”
Jamie ignored the interruption. “And then I went and flirted with him in front of his friends. It was my fault. You can't do anything to fix it.”
Jay grunted and handed Jamie the tamales and the promised fork. Jamie started shoveling them into his mouth. They were chicken. His favorite.
“Seriously, Jay. I mean it. It was my fault. I was a dumbass. Let it go.”
Jay continued to say nothing, just watched him eat.
Neither one them ever talked about how a few days later, Cody ended up with two black eyes and a busted lip. He gave Jamie a wide berth after that day, though, and Jamie learned to pick his boys with a bit more care.
And that they tended to be tall, with dark eyes and hair, muscles for days was a complete coincidence.
Jamie
Now
“Just don't come crying to me when that kid crawls into your bed one night.”
Those words wouldn't leave Jamie alone. They were ugly, crude, and mean, and they tapped into far too many illicit fantasies.
More than that, what haunted Jamie the most, was the look on Jay’s face in the stairway, which was shocked surprise, and under that, guilt.
And all because of that one time. That one thing that happened that one time. Or maybe it hadn't. It was easier to think he'd made it all up. Easier to believe, certainly.
So Jamie tried to avoid Jay in the apartment as much as he could. He stayed in his room and ate protein bars and drank bottled water and tried to move around when Jay was either sleeping or not at home.
He thought he'd been doing a good job of it, too, but one evening Jay pounded on his door and Jamie smelled the delicious aroma of Abuela Rodriguez's tamales.
Oh, that's just unfair, Jamie thought.
“Open up. I need to see proof of life, little bro.”
Jamie marched over to his bedroom door and opened it. “I'm not your brother, remember?”
“Oh, don't start that shit—”
“But thanks for the food.” He grabbed the plate out of Jay's hand then kicked the door shut.
Jay threw open the door so hard it bounced off the wall. “No so fast, motherfucker.”
Jamie gave Jay his best disdainful look. “Mine's dead and your mother is just about the last person I'd fuck. Try cocksucker. At least that one's appropriate.”
Jay stopped short. “It's not like that.”
“Newsflash,” Jamie said, sitting down at his desk and starting to eat the tamales, “yeah, it's exactly like that.”
“My dad. He didn't mean what he said.” Jay raked a hand through his dark hair. It was a frustrating gesture. Touching Jay's hair was something Jamie hadn't done in years, and now that he knew how impossible it all was, he wanted it with a deep, unquenchable craving.
“Yeah,” Jamie said after chewing his bite, “he did, and so did you, and you know it, so just leave me alone.”
Jay suddenly looked uncomfortable. “Do you really want me to leave?”
Jamie shrugged. “It's your apartment. I'm just subletting, more or less.”
“Then what do you want?” Jay sounded exasperated as hell.
“It doesn't matter. Just go, Jay. Go pick up some girl and get laid, or go out with friends and get drunk, or whatever. I'll be fine. You don't need to babysit the almost-freshman. I'll make some friends and find some boy and I'll be fine. Okay?”
“Meaning you're not fine now.” Jay plopped down on Jamie's bed.
“Meaning it's not your problem.”
Jay stared up at the ceiling. “You've always been my problem, Baby J. From the first moment I met you.”
Jamie snorted. He scooted his desk chair so he could look at Jay. “I was what? Three?”
“You were four, and you hugged me and asked if you could love me. That's a lot to throw at a seven-year-old kid, ya know.”
Despite himself, Jamie laughed. “Yeah, I guess so.”
He got up and kicked Jay's foot. “Come on. Get up. It's late and I need to get some sleep.”
“Bullshit. It's barely ten. Night's young, Baby J.”
Jamie narrowed his eyes at Jay. “Have you been drinking?”
Jay laughed. “Some, yeah.”
“Well, sleep it off in your own bed.” He tugged on Jay's hand, trying to get him to stand up.
“Did you have any idea how fucking pretty you are?” Jay seemed annoyed by that. “You're wearing makeup again.”
Jamie felt his cheeks heat from a combination of pleasure and embarrassment. “Is that against the terms of my lease?” He tugged at Jay's hand again and got nowhere. Jay wouldn't budge.
“No. Why would it be against the terms of the lease? That's stupid. You look pretty. I like it.”
“Jay…”
“What?”
“Come on. Get up and go to bed. Sleep it off. We can talk in the morning.”
“No.” Jay pouted, and it was adorable enough to make Jamie's insides melt and pool in his stupid, stupid cock. “You'll just go back to hiding and I'll have gotten nowhere. No, thank you. Talk now.” He tugged on Jamie's hand.
Obediently, Jamie sat on the side of his bed. “Talk about what?”
Jay scooched so he was sitting up, his back against the headboard. “You. Why are you hiding? Why are you so pretty? Why don't you like me? I thought you liked me.”
“You're my brother. Of course I like you.” Jamie felt sweat under his arms and on his lower back. They were drifting into dangerous waters. Shark-infested ones.
Jay shook his head. “Not my brother. Not really. Just pretend.”
“Um…”
“I’ve thought about it a lot, you know.”
Jamie felt his heart pound. “What?”
“That time. When we were in high school. When—”
“No.” Jamie threw his hand over Jay's mouth. “Just no. We shouldn't—”
Jay bit Jamie's hand, just as he had when they'd been kids.
“Ow! That fucking hurt.”
“I think we should, Baby J.” Jay grabbed Jamie and rolled so the two of them lay on their sides, looking at each other.
Jamie bit his lip. His mind shouted no, and his cock was equally adamant that yes was the answer. “I don't—”
“I do,” Jay said. “And I've got to know if that time was a fluke.”
Then he pulled Jamie to him and kissed him.
Jay
Four years ago
“You need to come get your brother, Jay. Or else he's gonna die.” Th
e voice was some girl Jay didn't recognize and it was followed by a drunken giggle. He didn't know why some girl was using Jamie's phone to call him, but he didn't like it
Jay put down the beer in his own hand. He hadn't even made it to buzzed yet and it didn't look like he was going to make it. Not tonight.
“Where is he? What's going on?” Jay demanded.
“Party at Trey's house. Jamie is trashed.”
Jay tried to not lose his temper, but he wanted to reach through the phone to strangle this bitch. “Who. The fuck. Is Trey?”
“Trey Calvin?” The girl sounded nervous now. Good. “This is his house?”
Right. Noah's brother. Which meant that somehow, he and Jamie had ended up at the same party. Or at least in the same house. There seemed to be multiple parties going on.
“Where are you in the house?”
“Um.” This seemed like a difficult question for her. “Someone's bedroom?”
So probably the second floor. Jay strode for the stairs.
The bedrooms contained everything from people making out to a group of guys playing Overwatch on their laptops while screaming at each other.
Then Jay opened a door and there was Jamie, on his knees, sucking some boy's cock. Which. That itself wasn't much of a surprise, because he'd known for a while that Jamie was gay.
The problem was that after the guy pulled out of Jamie's mouth, smeared with bubble-gum pink lipstick, then came on Jamie's face and chest, another guy stepped up and Jay realized there was a line. Half a dozen guys, all with their dicks out. And way too many others just watching while tears streamed down Jamie's face, leaving black streaks.
Something broke within Jay. “Stop it!” he shouted.
Everyone in the room looked his way.
“Who the fuck are you?” asked the guy with his dick in Jamie's mouth.
“That's his brother,” someone said, to a chorus of curses and putting dicks back in pants.
“Jesus, dude. Chill. He asked for it. He's a little slut.”
Jay hauled back and punched the guy in the face, then all hell broke loose, and later, everything just went dark.
Jay
Now
Jay's brain didn't think, you're kissing your brother or you're kissing a guy. All he felt was an overwhelming sense of coming home.
Jamie's lips were sweet like strawberries and he smelled exactly right: lemon soap and rose-scented face powder and that ridiculous Axe deodorant he’d been wearing since middle school.
Jay pulled back and looked at Jamie. His shiny pink lips, so full and pretty and luscious Jay wanted to bite them, were slack with wonder or shock. Jamie's pupils were blown, making his eyes look black and fathomless. His breath came in short pants and Jay felt the erection Jamie was sporting against his thigh.
“Don't hide from me,” Jay said, wanting to shake Jamie hard. “I don't deserve it.”
Some semblance of rationality came back into Jamie's expression. “Well, I don't deserve to have my feelings fucked with, either.”
Jay stared at Jamie for a few seconds. “I'm not—”
“Yeah, you are. We both know you aren't serious. Okay, so maybe there's a bi-curious bone in that straight-boy body, but find someone else to bury it in.”
Jay, beyond tired of fighting against his desires and with Jamie, pushed him down, straddled his waist, and pinned his arms. “You might be taller than me, white boy, but I'm still stronger. You want me to prove it?”
“Jay.” It was both a plea and a prayer.
“I could feed you my dick. Make you suck on it until you choke. Until you cry, and your lipstick smears, and your eyes are a mess, and you're so fucking gorgeous that way, Jamie. Did you know that? Wrecked and beautiful.”
Jamie's eyes teared without having a cock shoved down his throat. “I can't tell if you're serious. I don't know why you're saying these things.”
“Liar,” Jay said, then fell back on the old standard of their childhood. “Liar, liar, pants on fire. You want it. Admit it. You wanna gag on my cock.” The shudder that ran through Jamie’s body, the flush that stained his cheeks, and his stiff boner were more than enough of an answer for Jay, but still he wanted Jamie to admit it. “Say it. Say you’re gagging for my cock down your throat.”
“No,” Jamie said with a scowl, but his blush remained, as did his dilated eyes and erection. “Just how drunk are you, anyway?” he asked, sounding sulky. “I know you’d never say any of this shit otherwise.”
“Not that drunk, Baby J.” Jay rocked against Jamie's erection and liked the feel of it so much he did it again. “Not even close. I’m only finally saying what I’ve been thinking about for way, way too long.”
Jamie's eyes practically crossed as he hissed, “G-Go back to your room and sleep it off. You don't want to do this, trust me.”
Jay rocked again. “You're not my dad.”
“No. I'm just your brother.”
“Maybe that's my problem. I thought, from that first minute, that you belonged to me, but everyone keeps telling me you don't.” Jay nipped at Jamie's reddened lips. “But you do. I can feel it. You're my family.”
“You don't fuck your family,” Jamie growled. But his erection, Jay noticed, hadn't diminished.
He kissed Jamie again, this time more deeply. His tongue slipped into Jamie's mouth and it was eagerly sucked on. The noises Jamie made were obscene and did nothing to decrease Jay's arousal.
“You're not my blood, but you're more. You're my responsibility.” Jay kissed those sugary lips again and wondered how he'd managed to survive for four years, making himself stay away from Jamie, letting the kid grow up and make up his mind. He'd been so good for so long, and he was tired of that bullshit. Jamie was too close. Jay didn't want to let him go. Not again.
“I am not your responsibility,” Jamie retorted. “And in case you forgot, you're not gay.”
Jay trailed his lips down Jamie's lightly stubbled jaw then kissed the bump of his Adam's apple. “Not gay. Don't care. It's you.” Jay licked the hollow of Jamie's throat. “It's you. It's always been you. How did you not know?”
Jamie
Four years ago
Jamie scowled down at Jay's unconscious body sprawled on Trey Calvin's bedroom floor. “Idiot. Now how am I supposed to get you home? I don't even have my learner's permit yet. Also, I think I'm drunk. Probably.”
Jay's inert form didn't answer.
Jamie thought that maybe, just maybe, things had gone way too far this time. He wasn't nearly as worried about it as he should have been. Because if this got out, and it probably would, maybe his dad would finally get it through his skull that his baby boy and namesake was as gay as a unicorn farting rainbows.
It would be bad, but at least it would be out in the open.
“I can help,” a girl said. It was one of the ones who'd been watching the show Jamie had been putting on. “Me and Mandy, here. She can follow us and then take me home.”
“Why? I don't even know you.”
The other girl, presumably Mandy, said, “It's for Jay. Your knight in shining armor. It's nice to see chivalry isn't dead.”
“He's my brother,” Jamie said flatly.
Mandy rolled her eyes. The unnamed girl gave him a conspiratorial smirk. “Right. You stay with Sir Galahad here. Mandy and I will find some big strong he-men to carry Jay to his car.
“This is kinda for you, too,” Mandy added. “Your eyeshadow is totally on point. But can I make a suggestion?”
Makeup was the last thing on Jamie's mind, but he nodded anyway.
“Your mascara. You should buy Blinc. It's not cheap, but it's totally waterproof.”
“And get the Sephora remover to take it off. Because once it's on, it's on.”
Jamie nodded again, but he did commit the information to memory.
Jamie
Now
“It's always been you.” The words pounded in Jamie's head harder than a heartbeat.
“Me? It can't be me,” he
protested. Not now, and definitely not always.
Jay kissed him again and his taste burrowed into Jamie's senses. Spicy and rich and familiar. It shouldn't be—prior to today they'd only kissed once—but Jay's taste was as familiar as the smell of his cologne and soap and something indescribable underneath that was just Jay. It was the scent of utter Jayness, and Jamie had no other words for it.
When he came up for air, Jay said, “You idiot. You never wondered why I never had a girlfriend?”
“You… go out with women,” Jamie said, but it did occur to him that no one stuck around past a few dates.
“I like sex. But I didn't want to keep any of them, and they all knew it up front. I think I've been waiting for you, Baby J, and I've been waiting a long damn time.”
Jamie shook his head in confusion and denial and a little bit of anger. “So you're what? Bi? Why not find some dude to date, too?”
Jay kissed the skin behind Jamie's ear and inhaled deeply. “God, I missed you. And I don't want dick.”
Jamie's heart plummeted. Of course it was too good to be true. He doesn't really want me. Then Jamie cursed himself for even letting his brain go down that path. He struggled a little in Jay's grip and it brought their erections together. The contact made Jamie bow his back. “You sure you don't want dick?” Jamie asked, panting.
“I want your dick, not generic dick. I want your scent on my skin, and your taste in my mouth. I want your lipstick smeared on my cock and mouth and all over my body. I want inside you. I want to never come out.
“Fuck.” Jamie's brain didn't feel equal to saying more. Then his common sense kicked in. “You're so drunk.”
Jay sighed heavily. “Am not, and I won't change my mind. Not in five minutes or fifty years.”
Jamie stared up at Jay's handsome face, full of determination and resolve. “I don't believe you. You'll wake up tomorrow and regret all of this.”
