by Katie French
My heart sinks. If they find this transgression serious enough, Sabrina will get put out. She’s only had one live birth. Lord knows how the baby she carries now will survive being shocked.
“She won’t cause any more trouble. I’ll make sure she—”
“My baby,” Micha cries, holding her stomach, hunched over like she’s in labor. “There’s something wrong!”
Anger floods the orderly’s face. He waves some nannies over to help Micha, grabs Sabrina under her arms, and drags her away.
I stand, wringing my hands. They can’t take her. They can’t.
An orderly steps between Sabrina and me. He’s tall and stern-faced. Now, I can’t see her anymore. “To your room,” he orders, pointing. “And stay away from these girls.” He nods toward Breanne and Micha, who are being tended to by a flock of nannies.
I look at these girls, so smug.
I stomp out of the cafeteria and down the hall. It isn’t the first time I’ve wished for boots with heavy-heeled soles. Stomping in slippers feels useless, like punching a pillow.
The halls are quiet when I get to D. I’m hungry, but the empty feeling fits my mood. And the quiet of the hall is welcoming. My nerves are shot and it isn’t even ten am.
I detour into the bathroom, splash water on my face, and rub off the coffee splatter as best I can. My gown is stained in a few spots, but nothing like Sabrina’s. She’ll need a whole new gown. It’ll probably be weeks before one will be handed down.
When I lift up from the sink, my reflection stares at me. What does Dr. Houghtson see in me? The only person who ever thought I was worth something was Nanny Bell, and it wasn’t for my face.
My fingers grip the cool metal sink frame and stare. My mother—her name was Veronica—died from pre-eclampsia when I was two. I wish I had a picture. Is the curve of my eyes the same? My complexion? Sometimes it feels like I have no parents, that I was built from the same concrete and tile as the hospital itself. The hospital is my parent. A cruel, uncaring one.
I pat my face dry with a towel and plod to my room. There will be nothing to do there, but wait until Sabrina returns. If she returns.
When I enter my room, the hairs on my arms stand up. Something’s not right. I don’t know how, but I can feel it. I whirl around and the door creaks.
Dr. Houghtson clicks the door shut and seals us in together. When I see him, fear courses up my bones. I shuffle back toward my bed, but realize that’s the last place I want to be. I take a few steps back until I bump into the window.
His smile, a greedy sort of happiness, sinks. “Why are you always backing away from me?” he asks, taking a step forward. “You know I would never hurt you.”
It isn’t a question, and I don’t answer. I palm the wall and try to act natural, all the while peering toward the window in my closed door. Someone see him, I pray. Someone come in and stop this.
“Jan,” he says, holding a hand out like a rancher to a skittish horse, “I know this morning was crazy. I’m sure you’re still shaken up.”
I nod. That much is true. But when he takes another step forward, my heart drops into my slippers.
“You have nothing to worry about now.” He flashes white teeth. Doctor’s teeth. He’s lived a good life. He makes enough money to sock some away. And now he wants to spend it. On me.
“You don’t want to say anything?” he asks, now only four feet away. He raises one brown eyebrow.
My lips form the words, but the sound comes out as a whisper. “Thank you.”
He smiles, satisfied. He creeps forward again, now only an arm’s length away from me. “You are welcome, my sweet, sweet Jan.” He grips my shoulder. His voice comes out in a low murmur. “You don’t have to be afraid. Soon, we’ll be husband and wife.”
He presses his lips on mine. His hands lock around my head. He kisses me, his mouth urgent, his tongue, his teeth, his lips moving as if they will devour me. His body is pressed against me, and I feel so tiny and helpless beneath him. He’ll eat me up and swallow me whole. I pretend I’m a statue, a block of concrete. He’s panting, pawing. His hands grope and grab. My skin crawls at his touch. A scream is building in my throat, but statues don’t scream. And Breeder girls don’t tell doctors to stop.
A loud creak of hinges makes him jump back. My door blows open and Nanny Hannah’s voice cuts through. “This door is not to be—oh!” She stops in the doorway, her eyes on the disheveled Dr. Houghtson. “I didn’t know you were…”
He clears his throat, straightens his shirt. “I was just discussing her…last medical exam.” It’s a lie and we all know it, but Nanny Hannah says nothing. She stands there, waiting.
He strides out of the room, and I clutch the wall. He didn’t devour me, but my lips feel bruised. All I want is a hot shower and a ticket out of here.
Nanny Hannah watches him stride down the hallway. “You alright?” Her eyes offer sympathy.
My fingers float up to my lips. Are they red? Can she tell what he did?
Her face tilts to the side. “It’s happened to all of us. The men need comfort from time to time,” she says, sighing. “Don’t take it too hard.”
She turns and is gone, shuffling off down the hall.
I stare at the empty doorframe and consider what she’s said. I’m just to accept my fate, to become nothing, so that Dr. Houghtson can be comfortable? A fury is growing in my belly like a wild fire. My skin burns with her words. Give in, give up, she’s saying. Let him have your body, your soul. Well, my body is on fire and if I’m going to burn, Dr. Houghtson will burn right along with me.
I stride to the elevator and punch the button. The ride to the nursery is uneventful, but feels like an eternity. When the doors slide open, I bolt down the hall, past the rows of rooms with their nursery music and crying babies until I find Nanny Bell on the floor covered in drooling toddlers. When she sees me, her smile drops and she removes two babies, who cry when they’re placed on the floor.
“What is it?” she says, standing up. Three children cling to her legs and begin bawling. She runs hands over their heads, but keeps her eyes locked on me. “What did he do?”
“How do I stop this?” I say, my chest heaving. I know I should be quiet, but I’ve been quiet for so long.
“How do you stop what?” Nanny Bell asks, hefting a cranky two-year-old into her arms. The girl, with big, red cheeks and blond curls, looks at me. I run a finger down her face. So smooth. So fresh. This is what I want, to be a baby again. To sit in someone’s lap and let her rock away my tears.
“I need to stop Houghtson. What do I do?”
Bell’s face hardens. She could’ve been an army general in another time. “I’ve set things in motion.” Her lip curls up. “Dr. Houghtson will find himself busy for a few weeks. Until then, we have to hope the last treatment will take. He can’t touch you if you’re pregnant. If you’re not…”
She doesn’t finish. She doesn’t have to.
Chapter 6
Janine
The next month blurs by. Days used to drag by with the slowness of time familiar to the prisoner. And yet, when I need time to slow, it flies. My flowering time comes far too fast. When the day arrives for my implantation appointment, I wake in a cold sweat.
Nanny Bell was good to her word—I didn’t see Dr. Houghtson for the last few weeks. Instead, I filled my days with games of Go Fish with Sabrina. Micha’s baby was fine and since Sabrina has proven fertile, she can’t be wasted. So we played cards or watched Flash Gordon in Spanish or swam laps in the exercise pool and giggled about which nannies have the most cellulite on their backsides. She helped to take my mind off things and I helped her to keep her anger in check.
It’s what I’ll miss most if this doesn’t work.
Out my window, the day is clear and bright. Past the high metal gates, the trader and shopkeeper tents look like a cluster of beige and mauve flowers. From this far, life on the outside looks colorful, interesting, but I know its dark secrets. The outside is like a
wormy apple—beautiful on the outside but rotten at the core.
The day of my appointment, Sabrina and I go to breakfast, but I can’t eat. My appointment is at nine and my hands can’t stop shaking as I spoon through a grainy soup looking for big, round blueberries that bob just below the surface. Sabrina watches me with careful eyes.
“It’s gonna be fine,” she says.
I nod, but I don’t look up. My insides are filled with ants.
She leans in closer. “Nanny Bell will take care of it.”
I lift my eyes as a glob of goop slides off my spoon. “What if she can’t fix it? What if I’m just…broken?”
Sabrina’s teeth make tiny indents in her lip. She adjusts her red ribbon over her hairless head and stares down at her breakfast.
At nine, I’m back in my room when Nanny Hannah arrives at my doorway. I stand up from my bed, alarmed. “Where’s Nanny Bell?”
Hannah frowns. “The doctor wouldn’t let her assist.” She lifts a wry smile. “Think he’s afraid of her. Should be.” She nods and wants me to smile, too, but I can’t. Hannah waves me forward and I walk, though I’m not sure how. My legs aren’t attached to my body.
In the elevator, I want to ask Hannah if Bell has given her some way to fix me, but I can’t find the words. And, besides, if Hannah isn’t in on it, Bell could get in huge trouble. So I stand with my back to the wall, my legs splayed to keep from fainting, as the elevator hums and Hannah along with it. She’s singing the theme song to Bonanza under her breath. Somehow, I don’t think she’s in on a plan to save me.
When we reach the medical offices, I follow Hannah down the hall and into the exam room. Nannies, girls, and doctors float in and out. Just a normal day as far as they’re concerned.
The exam room is cold. I’m told to strip and put on the thin fabric gown for the procedure, but my hands shake so badly Hannah has to help me with the snaps on the front. I’ve done this so many times throughout the years, but now, with the thin gown on, my skin feels raw and exposed. I’m no safer than the girl in the tiny leather skirt with a collar around her neck.
“Sit on the exam table. Dr. Houghtson will be in shortly.”
“Houghtson?” I squeak.
“Don’t worry. I’ll step in when it’s time for him to do the procedure. Make sure there’s no funny business.” She winks and is gone.
I sit on the exam table nearly naked and try not to claw up the walls. I think of Dr. Houghtson’s hands, his hungry eyes. He’s touched me hundreds of times, but the thought brings no comfort. Even having Nanny Hannah in the room doesn’t seem to beat back the fear. What can she do? He’s a doctor.
The door creaks open, and I nearly jump off the table. Dr. Houghtson enters, all business in his white doctor’s coat and slicked-back hair. His beard is trim, shorter than I’ve seen it in years, and his face is tan. Where has he been for the last month?
“Janine,” he says, offering a warm smile. “It’s been ages. How are you?”
“Fine.” His tone is so formal. He clasps his hands behind his back and smiles, any desire missing from his eyes.
“Glad you’re well. Now, I do have to inform you that this is your last attempt at inception. After this, the hospital will deem you infertile. There’s nothing I can do.” He sighs, shrugging. “Sorry.”
“Tha-that’s okay.” He’s acting so strange.
“Please lie down.” He digs gloves out of his pockets. Then he opens the door and Nanny Hannah steps into the room.
My heart starts an erratic patter, but I manage to slowly lower myself onto the exam table. The cracked leather is cold on my bare skin. I try not to think of what’s coming next. When I squeeze my eyes shut, I imagine I’m back in the nursery being rocked.
There’s a pinch and some discomfort, but it’s far away. Before I know it, I feel a hand on my shoulder. Dr. Houghtson whispers at my ear, “I haven’t forgotten.”
When he speaks again, it’s much louder. “You’re all set, Janine. I wish you the best of luck.”
Slowly, I sit up. He doesn’t even look at me. Dr. Houghtson turns and strides out the door, letting it click behind him. My eyes trail over to Nanny Hannah, who’s collecting the doctor’s instruments on a small rolling cart. She has a strange look on her face.
“Is it over?” I ask, my throat dry. “Can I go?”
“You can go,” she says, giving me an odd look, “but this is far from over.”
I’m curled in bed, willing the embryo they’ve planted in me to germinate. With Sabrina gone at lunch, I whisper to my possible child. “Grow, my darling, grow.”
Nanny Bell shows up at my door just before dinner. Her face is furious, letting me know that all is not right in the world. She strides to my bed in three clipped steps and puts her mouth to my ear.
“Hannah was there today at my request. I’d given some hints to Dr. Bashees that Dr. Houghtson might need a watchful eye.”
I pull back, alarmed, but she tugs me close again.
“Relax. I didn’t mention you. I told Bashees it would be good practice to have nannies in the exams from time to time. Keep the doc’s pants on. You know, with Merriweather and all.”
I nod.
“She saw everything. He had two eggs in the dish when he came in and she swears he had two in there when he left. They’re tiny, but she says she saw ‘em. He wouldn’t let her take the dish back to the lab either. Took it himself, the sneaky bastard. Said he was on his way back there anyway.”
All the words tumble in my head, but nothing sticks. I grip her sleeve. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying, the fool didn’t put a baby in ya. Probably never has.”
An icicle crackles where I thought my baby was growing. “Then it’s over,” I say into her braid. “I’m finished.”
She shakes her head and draws me into a fierce hug. “It’s not over. Not by a devil’s mile. I’m not letting that motherless bastard take you from me.”
“But what can we do?” I say, fighting back tears. “There’s nothing left. Either he buys me or I’m sold at market like a prized pig.” I press my face to her gown. She smells like baby formula. “It’s over.”
She shakes her head. “If he wasn’t implanting you, it means you can still get pregnant. We’ve about fifty options open now.”
“Fifty?” I ask, looking into her lined face.
“Aye, fifty. The number of men in this hospital.”
I shake my head, realizing what she means. “No. No, no, no.”
“Come on,” she says, her lips a thin line. “You’re telling me there’s not one man in here that’s caught your eye? Would you rather be a sex slave? Or married to that slimy bastard Houghtson?”
I press my face to her gown, and a name comes to mind on its own. The whole idea seems wrong, unfair to him somehow, but faced with the horrible menu of options left, it may be my only choice.
I pull back and gaze out the window. Bell gives me a moment, but then grips my hand. “Well?”
“I’ll do it. For the satisfaction of knowing that Houghtson will get damaged goods.”
Bell laughs mirthfully. “We’re all damaged goods. But the fires forge the broken parts into steel.” She bangs her chest with a fist. And looking at her, bathed in sunlight like a fierce warrior goddess, I can almost believe it’s true.
Almost.
That night, I tell my first lie to Sabrina and hate the taste of it. But she accepts it easily and curls up in bed. Being friends with an emotionally unstable roommate like me must take its toll. I stare at her sleeping head for a moment and fight the urge to kiss it. Then I turn and sneak out.
The supply order Bell wrote out for me is stuffed in my pocket if anyone stops me, but D Hall is empty and no one waits for the elevator at this hour. I hear whispering from one of the rooms. Down the hall, a nanny at a watch station has knitting needles clacking. The hum of the forced air and the whir of the elevator are the only sounds to cover up the sharp beating of my heart.
Wh
en the elevator dings, I jump and then scan the halls again to make sure no one sees how agitated I am. I stride in and let the doors slide shut behind me. Inside the elevator, I stare at my reflection in the polished metal walls. Nanny Bell brushed my dark hair to a shine and I’ve kept it loose. She said it looks best that way. While we were preening, I felt like a prized pig again. Didn’t farmers brush and wash their livestock before selling them?
The doors open at the ground floor, but I can’t step out. My eyes trace the black-and-white checkers down the hall. If I get caught… If we get caught, it’ll mean disaster for both of us. I’m already doomed, but can I live with dooming another?
The doors start to close and I throw my arm out to stop them. I burst through and stand, trembling. This floor is as quiet as mine. What if he’s not on duty tonight? I only have a day or two before it’ll be too late. I can try again tomorrow, but what then? What if he’s sick or fired or—
“Jan?”
I whirl around. Robbie stands at the end of the hallway, holding his mop. His hair splays out from his head in a halo of golden-brown curls. He lifts his eyebrows and I realize I must look half-crazy, my body as tight as a wire. I try to relax and smile.
“Hi.”
He steps toward me, the mop bucket clanging over grout lines. Little drops of water splash on the floor. “You look freaked out.”
“I’m okay,” I say, my heart fluttering around in my chest. “What are you up to?”
He shrugs and points to the mop. “Saving the world. You?”
My hand finds my pocket and the supply request Nanny Bell wrote out for me. I dig it out and shove it at him.
He takes the paper from my sweaty hand and reads it. “I have these. You wanna wait for them? I’d deliver them, but I can’t go past floor three.” He pushes a hand through his curls and shrugs like it’s his fault he doesn’t have clearance to go to any of the floors with girls.
