by Vicki Grant
HILDY: Your mother said you were hers, so you obviously grew up with love.
BOB SOMEONE: i did
HILDY: But you don’t have it now.
BOB SOMEONE: correct
BOB SOMEONE: hello?
HILDY: I don’t know what to say.
BOB SOMEONE: how about *easy come easy go. Lets leave it at that. Question 22
QUESTION 22
BOB SOMEONE: ur going to go crazy for this one
HILDY: What is it? Let me guess. “Which are your three favorite characters from 19th-century English literature and why?”
BOB SOMEONE: close. “alternate sharing something u consider a positive characteristic of ur partner. share a total of five items”
HILDY: You must be sweating bullets. If you can make it to five items for me, I’ll give you an extra ten bucks.
BOB SOMEONE: that’s what I need. my teachers always said i responded well to *incentives. u first
HILDY: One) You’re artistic.
BOB SOMEONE: i handed that one to u on a plate
HILDY: This isn’t a competition. Your turn.
BOB SOMEONE: u talk good
HILDY: I talk good?!
BOB SOMEONE: i was going to say ur well-spoken but that didn’t sound like something i’d say. didn’t want u thinking i was getting help
HILDY: Well-spoken? I’m shocked. I would have thought you considered that one of my faults.
BOB SOMEONE: quality’s good. its quantity u sometimes have a problem with
HILDY: You know, you’ve improved since we started doing this. Your answers have become much more tactful.
BOB SOMEONE: yeah well nothing like a fish to the side of the head to make a man see the error of his ways
HILDY: Two) You’re funny.
BOB SOMEONE: so r u
BOB SOMEONE: surprisingly
HILDY: I spoke too soon. It’s as if every time you say something nice about me, you feel obliged to start subtly taking it back.
BOB SOMEONE: that was subtle?
HILDY: No. You’re right. It wasn’t very subtle.
BOB SOMEONE: sorry about that
HILDY: Well, you can’t be expected to be subtle all the time.
BOB SOMEONE: no sorry about not being nice
HILDY: Sorry?! An honest apology? Be still, my beating heart.
BOB SOMEONE: yup *sorry. i wasn’t trying to insult u. i meant i didn’t think u’d be funny when I first met u. u come across as someone who cant take a joke. the type who get all worked up about something being sexist or racist or *disrespectful
HILDY: I am that type.
BOB SOMEONE: true but u still make me laugh
HILDY: Yeah but I don’t always mean to.
BOB SOMEONE: no but even when u mean to
HILDY: Gee. Thanks. I’m blushing.
BOB SOMEONE: which brings me to #3
HILDY: Which is?
BOB SOMEONE: hold on a sec got to put up my fish shield
HILDY: I can tell I’m not going to like this. Spit it out.
BOB SOMEONE: ur sensitive
BOB SOMEONE: I mean that in a good way
BOB SOMEONE: most of the time
HILDY: You just did it again. You’re the king of the backhanded compliment.
BOB SOMEONE: wow never been king of anything before. Soooo flattered
HILDY: Doesn’t take much.
BOB SOMEONE: yeah well maybe i’m sensitive too
HILDY: Maybe?!? You *definitely are, despite the fact that you try to hide it behind your posturing and your braggadocio.
BOB SOMEONE: bragga-wha? Gonna hafta look that one up
HILDY: Why? So you can try it out on the ladies?
BOB SOMEONE: what do u think I’m doing now?
HILDY: You’re so smooth.
BOB SOMEONE: that ur number 3?
HILDY: It wasn’t going to be but ok, yes, come to think of it. It is. At the risk of causing your head to explode, you’re quite charming. Despite my better judgment—and when I don’t feel like clobbering you with a heavy object—I can’t help but enjoy it. Clearly, the reason you have “girls with an s” is that you’re a ladies man at heart. You could do this professionally.
BOB SOMEONE: wow talk about giving a compliment then taking it back. How to make me sound like a sleazeball
HILDY: A charming sleazeball. There are worse things to be.
BOB SOMEONE: like what?
Hildy: I can’t think of anything right now.
BOB SOMEONE: a caveman?
HILDY: Oops. Did I scratch that delicate underbelly of yours again?
BOB SOMEONE: no just want to get things straight. see if I’m coming up or down in the world
HILDY: Up. Although there’s definitely been some turbulence along the way. What’s your number four?
BOB SOMEONE: its getting harder & harder to come up with something
HILDY: Keep your eye on the prize. Ten bucks if you make it to five, don’t forget.
BOB SOMEONE: wow ur either generous or desprate
HILDY: I’m not accepting either of those as answers so don’t even try.
BOB SOMEONE: even if there true?
HILDY: Even if they’re true. Too jokey. I want a real answer. Remember? We agreed. C’mon. You can do it.
HILDY: You better have just suffered a major medical emergency because that pause was downright insulting.
BOB SOMEONE: u got style
HILDY: Really? Even with my *old man’s overcoat?
BOB SOMEONE: yup & ur satchel & the way u wear ur hair & those little dangly earrings. ur not like most girls. ur not plastered in makeup either. i can see ur skin. i like that
BOB SOMEONE: u got nice skin
HILDY: It’s amazing what you’ll say for a couple of bucks. I should have paid you earlier.
BOB SOMEONE: now who’s jokey
HILDY: Flattery is embarrassing.
BOB SOMEONE: i’ll stop
HILDY: Not yet. You have one more.
BOB SOMEONE: u first u haven’t done #4 yet
HILDY: You’re masculine.
BOB SOMEONE: did u have to get my pee tested to come up with that one?
HILDY: I don’t mean male—although you’re that too unless you have something to tell me? I mean you’re kind of manly.
BOB SOMEONE: its the broken nose
HILDY: And the way you hold yourself and the way you try not to smile. Your reticence.
BOB SOMEONE: will google that later
HILDY: You do that. You’ve got a bit of a Marlboro Man thing going.
BOB SOMEONE: ??? The cigarette guy? The cowboy?
HILDY: You’re right. Bad example. Especially since I hate smokers.
BOB SOMEONE: i know. saw ur winning poster for cancer society’s butt-out campain. btw loved the face paint! u do that urself?
HILDY: I’m going to let that go. What I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted is that you’re a guy’s guy or something. There’s nothing feminine about you.
BOB SOMEONE: i like babies
HILDY: Whoa. That came out of the blue. It’s not a *come-on, is it?
BOB SOMEONE: no just saying i’m not *that masculine
HILDY: You seriously like babies?
BOB SOMEONE: i seriously do. weird i know
HILDY: Where do you think that came from?
BOB SOMEONE: ur the psychiatrist
HILDY: That’s why I’m asking the questions and you’re answering them. Why do you think you like babies?
BOB SOMEONE: I guess cuz it always used to be just mom & me. couple times it looked like she was going to settle down with a guy & i might get a little bro or sis but never happened
HILDY: So it’s like an unfulfilled childhood dream?
BOB SOMEONE: Yeah that & becoming a ninja warrior
HILDY: What do you like about babies?
BOB SOMEONE: the way they smell. have you ever smelled one?
HILDY: Plenty. I babysit.
BOB SOMEONE:
I mean their heads not their asses
HILDY: Thank you. I figured that.
BOB SOMEONE: & the way they do that thing with their lips when they’re dreaming about the bottle
HILDY: or the breast.
BOB SOMEONE: get your mind out of the gutter
BOB SOMEONE: just joking. Chill. perfectly natural best thing for baby blah blah blah
HILDY: You chill. I had no intention of lecturing you. I’m more interested in finding out what your next “item” for me is. C’mon. You only have to rack your brain to come up with one more positive thing. Now for the grand finale! Bob’s all-time top five picks for Betty…
BOB SOMEONE: i did hair i did skin i did eyelashes. gee i got nothing
HILDY: You actually didn’t do eyelashes, but they get lumped in with number 4. You have to come up with something different.
BOB SOMEONE: ur persistent
HILDY: Like I’m a *nag?
BOB SOMEONE: yes when u bug me but no the rest of the time. i just mean sticking at stuff. thats usually a good thing especially if u want to be Nelson Mandela 1 day
HILDY: You’re persistent too and I don’t just mean because you really NEVER, EVER LET A JOKE GO. (Give it a break, would you? Nelly and I are done.) But you stick at stuff too.
BOB SOMEONE: no ones ever accused me of that before
HILDY: May I remind you that you were the one who got in touch with me? That was persistent.
BOB SOMEONE: doesn’t matter no copying. ur rule. something else
HILDY: You’re brave.
BOB SOMEONE: how would u know?
HILDY: The way you barely flinched when I threw Kong at you
BOB SOMEONE: i thought we were supposed to give honest answers
HILDY: Sorry. Just slipped out. I meant to say “gut feeling.” I only met you once. I don’t have a lot else to go on.
BOB SOMEONE: ur right i am brave
HILDY: Really? Or are you just shutting me up?
BOB SOMEONE: really. my mother told me to b so I am
BOB SOMEONE: plus i don’t have any choice
HILDY: How come?
BOB SOMEONE: no one does
QUESTION 23
BOB SOMEONE: Ok. “How close and warm is ur family? Do u feel ur childhood was happier than most other people’s?”
HILDY: Hmmm. Tough one.
BOB SOMEONE: not for me.
HILDY: Really?
BOB SOMEONE: Yeah. Part a - not close & warm cuz i don’t have a family & part b - yes
HILDY: *Slack-jawed surprise. Your childhood was happier than most people’s?
BOB SOMEONE: u know ur rude right? but yes happier. some of it anyway
HILDY: Where did you grow up?
BOB SOMEONE: here & there
HILDY: Literally here?
BOB SOMEONE: off & on
HILDY: Where’s there?
BOB SOMEONE: all over. we traveled a lot
HILDY: How come?
BOB SOMEONE: A rolling stone gathers no moss
HILDY: I’ve never liked that expression. So demeaning. As if people are fungus that will grow on you if you don’t keep moving.
BOB SOMEONE: pretty much somes it up. least my mother thought so. shes the one who used to say so
HILDY: *Sums, not *somes. I’m not even sure that’s a word.
BOB SOMEONE: is it spelled aargh or AAAAAAAARGH?
HILDY: Every so often, I get a glimpse into how annoying I can be. Ignore me.
BOB SOMEONE: doing my best & anyway u honestly don’t know anybody youd call fungus?
HILDY: So much for ignoring me.
BOB SOMEONE: well do u?
HILDY: Fungus is a bit harsh. I do know a few single-celled beings and invertebrates.
BOB SOMEONE: rolling stones don’t gather those either. could even crush a few on the way past so don’t knock em
HILDY: Ooh. Where can I get me one of those?
BOB SOMEONE: it’s easy just stop drop & roll. watch ur head
HILDY: That how you broke your nose?
BOB SOMEONE: no & quit asking
HILDY: Did you have friends when you were growing up?
BOB SOMEONE: for a while but then we’d move & have to make new ones. ok when your little but gets harder
HILDY: That’s sad.
BOB SOMEONE: would u quit that? ur making me sound pathetic. friends aren’t everything. if I had tons of friends I wouldn’t have learned to draw or play drums
HILDY: How come you moved so much?
BOB SOMEONE: $
BOB SOMEONE: don’t say thats sad again. being poor is also how come I can draw & play drums. cheap ways to amuse myself. if we had money I never would a learned
HILDY: I had no idea you had such a positive outlook.
BOB SOMEONE: hidden depths. ur turn
HILDY: What was the question again?
BOB SOMEONE: how close and warm is ur family? do u feel ur childhood was happier than most other people’s?
HILDY: Part A) Not very. At least at the moment. But it used to be. Or at least I thought it was. Just goes to show how little I knew. Weird—a couple weeks ago I would have given you an entirely different answer.
BOB SOMEONE: what happened a week ago
HILDY: My family imploded.
BOB SOMEONE: what does that mean
HILDY: Implode means to collapse inward.
BOB SOMEONE: I KNOW WHAT IMPLODE MEANS. Im not a moron i do watch tv. u know what i mean. what happened with ur family
HILDY: People stopped talking to each other.
BOB SOMEONE: how come?
HILDY: Something I said.
BOB SOMEONE: what? must have been pretty bad
HILDY: I don’t think I can answer that. I don’t really know you and I’d be saying something that I’ve only ever said to two other people in the world and I’m not even sure if it’s 100% true, so it would feel like a betrayal. Especially since you know who my parents are now. Can we change the subject? You don’t want to make me cry again.
BOB SOMEONE: i hate online crying. nothing worse than a bunch of sad emojis. btw Kong wants to say something to u
HILDY: I’m waiting
BOB SOMEONE: give him a sec. this is painful for him to
BOB SOMEONE:
HILDY: Do King Kong mothers eat their offspring?
BOB SOMEONE: just guessing. best I could do on short notice. u still crying?
HILDY: No.
BOB SOMEONE: then who cares if its true
HILDY: I can see why you’re good with the ladies.
QUESTION 24
BOB SOMEONE: brace urself. “How do u feel about ur relationship with your mother?”
HILDY: Whoever wrote these questions is cruel. If I weren’t so *persistent, I’d quit.
BOB SOMEONE: not me. I need the $40
HILDY: I don’t believe you. I think you actually enjoy this.
BOB SOMEONE: wrong. trust me
HILDY: I agree this particular question is not a lot of fun. But overall? I think you like this. You don’t strike me as the type of person who’d keep doing it just for the money if you hated it.
BOB SOMEONE: busted
HILDY: So why do you do it then?
BOB SOMEONE: i’m a masochist & my whip is broken
BOB SOMEONE: r u giving me the silent treatment?
HILDY: No, I’m just using a technique I learned in journalism class. If you want someone to answer a question, allow the silence to get awkward.
BOB SOMEONE: so u R giving me the silent treatment
BOB SOMEONE: Ok. Fine. i don’t actually *like it aka *enjoy it but i don’t talk to anybody about stuff like this anymore so i guess i kinda missed it
HILDY: Missed being emotionally tortured?
BOB SOMEONE: weird i know
HILDY: “I don’t talk to anybody about stuff like this anymore?” Who did you used to talk with?
BOB SOMEONE: my mother
HILDY: What happened?
BOB SOMEONE: t
he question is how do u feel about ur relationship with ur mother? i feel like my relationship is over. U?
HILDY: You just redirected me, didn’t you?
BOB SOMEONE: Yup & u redirected me
HILDY: So this is payback?
BOB SOMEONE: Could be. tell me about ur relationship with ur mother. i <3 watching u squirm
HILDY: I feel my relationship with my mother is… I don’t know… complicated.
BOB SOMEONE: weasel word. isn’t she ur warrior goddess or something
HILDY: Yes—but that’s what I mean. Complicated. She is and she isn’t. Maybe she’s some type of Greek goddess. Weren’t they supposed to be immortal but flawed too?
BOB SOMEONE: why r u asking me?
HILDY: You seemed to know so much about Pandora.
BOB SOMEONE: all i know is she didn’t have enuf room in her satchel for my problems too
HILDY: She could get a bigger satchel.
BOB SOMEONE: not that big
HILDY: What was your relationship like with your mother before it ended?
BOB SOMEONE: complicated
HILDY: LOL. So it’s not a weasel word when you use it.
BOB SOMEONE: correct
HILDY: What’s she like?
BOB SOMEONE: flawed but not immortal
HILDY: Can you be more specific? Looks? Personality? Hobbies and pastimes?
BOB SOMEONE: tall dark hair beautiful smart funny crazy badtempered painting men
HILDY: ????
BOB SOMEONE: just answering ur questions. Looks? Personality? Hobbies & pastimes?
HILDY: Painting men? That’s her hobby?
BOB SOMEONE: no. painting comma men
HILDY: #whypunctuationisimportant
BOB SOMEONE: #whatever. Ur turn. Whats ur mother like?
HILDY: I wouldn’t say she’s beautiful. Not in “the usual way,” but she has a really nice face and she dresses well. She’s smart, very determined, ambitious. She puts her mind to something and she gets it. I was going to add that she’s responsible and loyal but I’m not sure about that anymore. I’m kind of not sure about much anymore.
