Hopefully, this is the change I’ve been hoping for in our relationship. When we wake up, we’ll have the conversation I’ve been dying to have.
If I’m lucky, by tomorrow afternoon, Sophie will be my girlfriend.
Considering how lucky I got tonight, I have no doubt tomorrow will work out, too.
15
Sophie
I wake up in Matt’s arms for the second time. He’s so warm and cozy. Last night was amazing. The dog shelter was the perfect place for a first date.
Panic settles in my stomach. Was it a date? In hindsight, it sure felt like one. I assumed we were just hanging out as friends. I can’t date Matt.
I certainly shouldn’t have slept with him. More than once.
Carmen is going to have a field day with this. Maybe I won’t tell her. It’s none of her business who I sleep with.
Please. She’s going to know what happened the second I see her.
Matt stirs next to me, but he stays asleep. I can’t stay here. If he wakes up, we’ll have to talk. I don’t want to hurt him. It’s better if I’m gone.
I slip out of his hold. The cold of the morning sends shivers down my spine. My clothes are in the living room, so I sneak out of the bedroom without looking back. If I see Matt’s sweet, sleeping body I might change my mind.
Leaving is the right thing to do. I repeat that to myself over and over as I walk of shame back to my apartment. I’ll have to see Matt in class later. I can explain then that I’m not interested in dating him. The sex was great, but I don’t want to be in a relationship. Maybe we can keep doing this. Just sex, no feelings.
I laugh at the thought. I’m not capable of that kind of relationship. I already have feelings for Matt. It’s pointless to deny that.
I force myself to remember how it felt to see him with those girls at the party. It was so easy for him to move on when I was gone for five minutes. He’ll have no problem doing the same when he’s traveling for hockey.
He’s going on a hockey trip tonight. Will he hook up with some other girl?
Maybe he should. It might help him move on from me.
Do I want that? I should want it. I’ve been trying to distance myself from Matt. It’s obviously not going well. Seeing him with another girl might be the jolt I need to move on.
It would hurt like hell, though. I wonder if that’s how Matt felt when Zack showed up at the bar. I’m pretty sure Matt thought he and I were on a real date then.
I consider texting Zack and asking him out tonight, but I decide against it. Not so soon after Matt and I slept together.
Well, I guess I was with Zack not long after the first time Matt and I were together. It wasn’t the same day, though. If I continue with the same pattern, I can ask Zack out again on Monday.
It would be weird to make an actual note, so I make a mental one instead. With my luck, someone would find the reminder and make fun of me for it. Or tell Zack. Or Matt. I don’t know which would be worse.
If I’m so concerned with Matt finding out about Zack, should I be seeing Zack? Matt and I aren’t in a relationship. I’m allowed to date whomever I want.
The problem is, it feels wrong. It’s like I’m no better than my asshole ex because I’m juggling two guys at once.
That’s it, I’m done. It’s time to move on from Matt for good. Next time he tries to contact me, I’m ignoring it.
Class today is going to be a problem. Class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday will, in fact. I’ll figure it out when I get there. For now, I delete Matt’s number from my phone so I’m not tempted to text him. It’s the first step to Operation Forget Matt Exists.
I laugh at myself. I’m being ridiculous. How did a guy I met at a party turn into this huge, complicated mess? I never should’ve gone to the hockey house that night. If I’d trusted my gut and stayed home, none of this would’ve happened.
The lights are on when I reach my apartment Shit. That means Carmen is home and awake. I was hoping to avoid her because she’s going to see the sex written all over my face.
I steel myself as I open the door. I can handle Carmen today. All I have to do is tell her it was a mistake, and she’ll listen.
Ha. If only that were true.
“Hey,” she greets me from the kitchen. “Where were you last night?”
The look on her face tells me we both already know. Shit.
“It’s okay, Sophie…”
At her words, I burst into tears. It’s all too much. My ex, Matt, everything. I want to curl into a ball and never leave the apartment again.
“Oh, fuck,” Carmen says. She rushes towards me and pulls me into a hug. “What happened? Did he hurt you?”
“No, no,” I assure her. She gets me a tissue so I can blow my nose. “I’m just… I’m so confused, Carmen.”
“So am I. I thought you were moving on. Why’d you go on the date last night?”
“I didn’t realize it was a date at first. I thought it was just two friends hanging out.”
Carmen laughs. “Come on, Sophie. It’s never just two friends hanging out.”
“Well, I hoped it was, I guess. But he took me to an animal shelter, Carmen.”
“Damn. The boy is good. How did he know that’s your weakness?”
“He heard me mention once that I like dogs. He didn’t even know about my ritual with my dad or anything. He just… figured it out on his own.”
Carmen bites her lip. It’s a suspicious move, but I chalk it up to her thinking about how sweet Matt was. I don’t think she was involved in the date planning. She would never try to manipulate me like that.
“What happened after the animal shelter?”
“I told him I wasn’t ready for such a good day to be over. He invited me to his apartment to watch a movie.”
“Oh, Sophie.”
I sniffle. “Okay, I realize this is all my fault, but…”
“But you weren’t thinking about it in the moment.”
“Exactly,” I say. “I figured we’d enjoy a movie, eat some food, and I’d go home. I swear I didn’t plan on sleeping there. I would’ve worn better underwear.”
Carmen laughs. “Figures you’d be crying over a boy and still worried about your underwear.”
“I can’t change who I am as a person.”
Both times I’ve had sex with Matt, I’ve been wearing boring undergarments. The first time, I was even in sweatpants. He doesn’t care about my appearance. My ex wasn’t like that. He only wanted to have sex if I looked good. He would make me put on sexy underwear even if we had already been asleep. It was exhausting.
Matt is so different from my ex in a lot of ways, but I fear he’s exactly the same in the ones that matter. He’s a hockey player. They follow certain behaviors. It’s fine. I’m not against playing the field. However, I refuse to be caught in the crossfire. I could fall hard for this guy. What would happen to me when a prettier girl comes along? He’d push me to the side and go after her until he got bored and moved on to the next. I’ve seen it happen so many times.
I get that Carmen thinks she and Travis are settling down, but does she believe he can be true to her? I have my doubts. I want to believe they can make it work, but the odds aren’t in their favor.
“Tell me what you’re thinking about. I can see your brain going into overdrive.”
“Why did you want to date Travis?”
“If you recall, it took me a while to decide I did.”
“I know, but what tipped the scales?”
“I don’t know, it was a bunch of things. I guess it comes down to the fact that I like Travis more than I like being with a bunch of different guys.”
“Aren’t you worried about what he does on away trips?”
“No, because I trust him. I doubt he’s worrying about what I’m doing when he’s gone.”
She has a point. Between the two of them, I think Carmen is probably the one to worry about. Not that I think she’d cheat on Travis. I know she’d never do that. But,
she’s the one who slept her way through the hockey team. As far as I know, Travis has only been with Carmen in the last year. I’ve never seen him so much as look at another girl.
That’s the difference. I watched Matt flirt with those girls at the party. I want to be able to trust him, but if he was willing to do that while I was in the same house, how far would he go in another state?
“I can’t trust Matt,” I say.
“Why not?”
“The party,” I point out. “Plus, he’s a hockey guy. And my ex…”
“Your ex wasn’t a hockey guy and he cheated on you.”
“Yeah, but that’s all the more reason not to trust Matt. If Peter could cheat on me without leaving campus, what’s stopping Matt from doing it after an away game?”
“Come on, Sophie. I know Peter fucked you up, but eventually you have to get over it.”
“You’re right, and I’m working on it. With Zack.”
“Zack? Seriously? You just slept with Matt.”
“I know, and sleeping with Matt was the reminder I needed to move on. I’m going to get serious with Zack. That’s my decision.”
Carmen doesn’t approve. It’s written all over her face. Despite that, she pulls me in for another hug.
“I still think you and Matt would be great together, but I’m going to respect your decision. Don’t expect me to take it easy on Zack, though. He gets the same treatment I give all your boyfriends.”
I smile even though I’m still feeling out of sorts. “I wouldn’t expect it any other way. Thank you, Carmen. I love you.”
“Love you, too. I need to get going. Are you going to be okay? I won’t judge you if you take a sick day.”
I shake my head. “It’s so tempting, but I need to get out of here.”
“Don’t you have a class with Matt?”
“That’s exactly why. I’m not going to hide from this or from him.”
“So you’re going to talk to him?”
“Absolutely not,” I say, laughing. “But I can be in the same room as him.”
“You’re weird. Good luck. Let me know how it goes.”
“Will do. Thank you again, Carmen. I’d die without you.”
“Don’t you forget it!”
With that, Carmen leaves. I still have some time to kill before class, so I take a shower and change my clothes. Last night is completely washed from my body.
If only I could wash it from my memory, too.
16
Matt
I come off the ice after first period and take a seat in the away locker room. My teammates get to sit periodically during the game when the line changes. I’m on my skates for the full period.
I take a bench close enough to the team to hear what Coach has to say, but far enough away that I can be in my own head. Since waking up this morning, I’ve felt off. It probably has something to do with Sophie.
“You okay?” Travis whispers while the coach lectures the line on some sloppy plays. “You seem lost.”
“I’m fine.”
“Is it Sophie?”
I nod but don’t say anything more.
“Got it. I’m guessing you don’t want to talk about it?”
I shrug. What’s left to talk about? Sophie doesn’t care about me.
I get leaving before I woke up. She might’ve had something to do, or she wanted to shower and change before class. I’m glad she didn’t wake me before she left because I need my sleep on game days. We fell asleep late after our couch and bed adventures. It felt good to sleep in a bit.
The problem is, Sophie was back to giving me the cold shoulder in class. It was like she couldn’t bear to look at me. Last night meant nothing to her.
“Dude, you look like you’re...”
“Travis!” Coach yells. “What could possibly be more important than our discussion.”
“Nothing, Coach,” he says weakly. The two of us shift to pay closer attention to the coach.
“As I was saying, their defense is killer. You need to step it up if you want to score. Matt, keep it up in goal. Their offense is good, but our goalie is better.”
I don’t feel like I’m better. Sure, I’ve blocked them, but it’s because I’m channeling my anger at Sophie into the game.
Maybe that’s the trick. Instead of letting her screw with my head, I use my emotions to better my game.
I’m a bit clearer when it’s time to hit the ice again. I take my place in the goal and watch the pick vigilantly. When it’s behind the goal, I use my senses to keep track of it so the Riders can’t sneak a goal in.
The Goats get the puck back and charge back down the ice. It’s hard to see from my position, but I watch as Travis gets the puck and slams it towards the goal.
Their goalie dives, but he misses the corner. Goats score!
It’s an away game, so the crowd is quiet. My parents are out there somewhere cheering us on, at least. It’s nice to have some support.
We score another goal before the end of the game, and we keep the Riders at zero. The win has our team riding high.
After a win, Coach is all compliments. He’ll tear us apart for any mistakes we made at the next practice, but he likes to keep things positive after a win.
He pulls me aside before I have a chance to shower.
“This is what I’m talking about, Matt. Keep playing like this, and you’re a guaranteed draft this year.”
“Thanks, Coach,” I say. I want to be happy about it, but it’s hard when the reason I played so well is that I’m angry and hurt. What happens when I’m in a good mood? Sophie has thrown me off so much, I don’t remember how to play hockey unless I’m mad.
After my shower, Travis, Damien, and some of the other guys on the team ask if I want to go out and celebrate with them. I head to the hotel instead. I’m not in the mood to celebrate a win when I don’t feel like I deserve it.
The next morning, we have an early wake up call. We have home games tonight, tomorrow, and Monday. Coach wants us in practice this afternoon. Once we get back to campus, we have about three hours to ourselves.
I don’t want to be alone right now. I didn’t make my bed when I left, so the indent Sophie left is probably still there. I’ll have to face it eventually, but not right now.
“Want to grab a late breakfast?” I ask Travis as we get off the bus.
My phone dings with a text. It’s from Carmen to Travis and me, asking the same question I just asked Travis.
I laugh. “Your girlfriend has the same idea.”
“Yeah. I’m not in the mood for the diner, though. How about that French toast place instead?”
“Fine with me.”
Travis let’s Carmen know where we’ll be and she agrees to meet us there. We stash our stuff at the rink since we’ll need it in a few hours anyway and then head to the breakfast place.
It’s a mad house since it’s Saturday morning. Most of the patrons are hungover students trying to recover enough to go out again tonight.
“Carmen got us a table already,” Travis says. He leads me to wherever she’s sitting, blocking my view. I understand why when we reach the table.
“Shit,” I mumble. Sitting next to Carmen is the last person I want to see right now. I should’ve known Carmen was trying to pull something when she texted both Travis and me. It didn’t even occur to me that she was planning another double date.
Sophie blinks in surprise. At least I’m not the only one who didn’t know this was happening.
I take the seat across from her. We can eat breakfast together. It’ll be fine.
“Thanks for coming, guys!” Carmen says.
I shoot Travis a look. He avoids eye contact. The guy totally knew what Carmen was planning. So much for being my best friend. He could’ve warned me. I would’ve gone to the diner with other guys from the team.
Our table is awkwardly silent when the waitress comes to take our orders. I don’t come here as often as I go to the diner, but I still have a usual. My compani
ons do, too.
“I need to use the bathroom and Travis needs to come with me.”
I roll my eyes. Carmen is the least subtle person I know. It’s a miracle she managed to keep her plans from Sophie when she was orchestrating that date.
Travis dutifully follows his girlfriend outside. They don’t even pretend to go to the bathroom. I’m sure they’re making out in front of the restaurant while Sophie and I stare at each other over orange juice.
“I’m sorry,” Sophie finally says.
“It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have taken off this morning and I should’ve talked to you more in class today. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Seriously, Sophie. Don’t worry about it.”
“I want us to be friends.”
“Sophie...”
“I know. It was a long shot. We have fun together, though. I don’t want it to be cold between us.”
Then date me! I want to yell. Instead, I say, “We don’t have to be cold, but I’m not sure we can be friends.”
“Right. Got it.”
She sniffles. I don’t see any tears, but it sounds like she might be on the verge. Shit. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings.
“Maybe eventually, we can be friends. But it’s too hard right now. This game we’ve been playing... I’m exhausted.”
“I’m sorry,” Sophie says again. “I hope you can forgive me someday.”
Before I have a chance to respond, Carmen and Travis return, followed immediately by the food.
“We saw the food cake out of the kitchen,” Carmen explains. “I hope you two figured your shit out.”
“We didn’t,” Sophie says. “But I think we’re getting there.”
“Good enough for me!”
I dig into my food and don’t say anything for the rest of the meal. I started my day thinking I was going to move on. Now that I’ve talked to Sophie, I don’t think that’s possible. The way she looked at me when she said she was working through stuff... it made me wonder if she’s not ready to give up, either.
Cocky Puck: A College Sports Romance (Hockey Hearthrobs) Page 10
