by Kay Loren
“Yeah,” Audrina whispered, fidgeting with the strap of her purse in hand. She felt lower than the ground in that moment. She hoped it would swallow her up into a dark hole never to return. She had to get it over with.
“Well?” Nikolai said.
The words were out of her mouth quicker than she realized. “I’m sorry Nikolai,” she hung up the phone and tossed it back into Nikki’s hand. A wave of sobs came over her. Straight from the gut, makeup ruining sobs that she could not control. He deserved more in that moment and all she could give him was ‘I’m sorry’.
Nikki took Audrina into her arms and kissed her head. She had never seen her cry like that once in her life. Audrina cried here and there, but never like that. It scared her.
The cab came to a stop in front of a building. “Put these on,” Nikki said as she helped Audrina into a pair of oversized glasses. It would have to do. Audrina looked a mess.
It wasn’t until Nikki opened the door that Audrina realized Nikki had brought her over to her apartment.
“Why are we here?” Audrina sniffed. Her head was pounding from crying and her eyes felt heavy.
“I couldn’t let you go back to Michael’s looking like this and since he made you sell your apartment, I thought my place was best.”
Nikki had spruced the place up since Audrina had last visited. The floors were stripped of its original carpet and replaced with beige tile. She had got rid of her green loveseat sofa and now a cream colored sectional sat under a long mirror. The whole apartment was beige, cream and teal. It was much different than Audrina remembered.
“I haven’t told you but Sergei helped me remodel the place,” Nikki explained when she noticed Audrina looking around. “He might move in soon… we’re still talking about it.”
Audrina felt worse than ever. She had been such a terrible friend. Here she was bouncing from one man and back and not even asking how her best friend was or what was going on in her life. “I’m sorry for being such a shitty friend.”
“Oh quit it!” Nikki waved her hand. “You’re going through a whole hell of a lot more than me these days. All me and Sergei are doing is fucking and possibly taking our relationship to the next level.”
Audrina raised her eyebrows, surprised that Nikki and Sergei were getting serious.
“Just the moving in,” Nikki held her hands up with a giggle. “One step at a time but… I think this is the one Audri.”
Audrina let her mind drift off to the possibility of Sergei and Nikki getting married. It would be such a great thing for Nikki. She never wanted to get married, but Sergei must be the real deal if Nikki was thinking that far ahead. She grabbed Nikki’s hand. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks,” Nikki smiled.
Audrina sniffled. She thought she was all cried out but a few tears fell from her eyes. She should be enjoying the moment with her best friend, but all she could do was cry.
Nikki held up the bag full of pregnancy tests with a reassuring smile. “Let’s get this over with.”
Time seemed to move slowly. Audrina bit the nail of her thumb as she waited for the results. Nikki made her take three different brands of tests just to be extra sure. Nikki sat with her on the edge of the tub, and soothed her. Time was getting close. Any second and the test would reveal Audrina’s future.
“No matter what happens, just know that I will be there with you,” Nikki promised.
Audrina nodded still numb to the reality of what was going on. She beckoned Nikki to read the test since her legs were too shaky to even stand up. Nikolai’s face flashed through her mind in that moment. She felt like a piece of shit to leave him like that. She wanted to call him back and beg him to forgive her, but in that moment she heard Nikki gasp.
“What?”
Nikki handed Audrina one stick out of the three with teary eyes. There it was as clear as day. Two, bold, pink lines. Nikki handed her the next two slowly and each stated the same thing.
She was pregnant.
Audrina sat silently, still on the edge of the tub. A baby… She began to cry, uncertain as to what she was feeling. She always wanted babies, but she always thought she would have them when she was ready… and she was in no way ready for a baby.
“Don’t cry Audri,” Nikki hugged her. “You should be happy. You love babies.”
“I’m happy,” Audrina cried realizing that a life was growing inside of her. It was a strange feeling. “But…”
“But what?”
“…My baby has a whore bag for a mother,” she sobbed.
Nikki chuckled and kissed Audrina on the head. “I refuse to let you call yourself a whore bag! You’re just a woman… who went after what she wanted.”
“That’s putting it nicely,” Audrina wiped her nose. “I don’t even know how this happened…”
“Well you obviously didn’t use condoms,” Nikki sucked in a breath.
Audrina put a hand to her face. She never used condoms with Michael since he complained how it didn’t ‘feel good’, and with Nikolai, she stupidly never thought to use one. She was regretting it now.
“Aren’t you on the pill?”
Audrina nodded.
She couldn’t remember the last time when she took the pill. The few days she spent with Nikolai she was sure she took it. She might have missed a day but she wasn’t certain. But after that she did not know. She pulled out her phone and looked for the daily reminder that she had set years ago. She always remembered to take her pill. Every morning seven a.m.
“What the fuck?” Audrina muttered upon realizing that the alarm was gone. That was the only daily reminder on her phone and it was non existent. “The alarm… it’s gone…”
“Did you delete it by chance?” Nikki asked.
“No,” Audrina shook her head. “I’ve had that set forever.”
Nikki thought to herself for a moment and then sighed. “You don’t think… Michael deleted it… right?”
Audrina shrugged. “I don’t know. I doubt it… He never touches my phone.”
Michael never cared to look at her phone since she never set a passcode to it. She had nothing to hide, apart from Nikolai who she had under ‘Nikki’s Secondary’. And he never texted her only called so if he did look, nothing would arouse suspicion.
Nikki sighed. “Don’t kill me… but do you know who the father is?”
Audrina shrugged and glanced at Nikki. “I don’t know… I really don’t… and I’m fucking scared Nikki.”
“Okay look, tomorrow morning I will take you to my doctor,” Nikki said. “She’s great and she doesn’t know Michael like your doctor does… We’ll see how far long you are and I know you were great at math in high school so you better start adding it all up and see what’s what.”
“What if it’s Nikolai’s?” Audrina whispered. “After how I just broke it off I doubt he wants anything to do with me… and Michael will kill me if he finds out.”
Nikki shook her head. “One step at a time… For now just keep it between us.”
“I don’t know how to thank you for putting up with all my messy crap,” Audrina hugged Nikki before she entered the cab to go home.
“Hey, you helped me once upon a time,” Nikki stated lowly after a dark thought crossed her mind. “Now it’s my turn to help you.”
“I love you,” Audrina hugged her tightly.
“I love you more,” She replied. “Now get home, get some rest and I will see you tomorrow at eight.”
The cab ride home was stressful. Each block till she reached Michael’s home was slowly choking her. She stroked her stomach and found herself gaining a sense of strength for some odd reason.
When she finally got in, Nonna and Carmella were making dinner and bombarded her with questions about the dress shopping. Audrina had to fake a smile and lie, saying she couldn’t find one that suited her. It has to be perfect, she said to keep up the façade. Michael had asked the same thing over dinner and she had to tell the same lie over and over. Just for now,
Audrina thought. Tomorrow I will handle everything.
Chapter Twenty-One
Without a word, Nikolai silently handed Sergei back his phone. He leaned back in his chair and raked his hand through his hair and then over the light stubble of hair that shadowed his jaw. He felt as if his world fell right out from under his feet.
“Everything okay boss?” Sergei asked concerned when Nikolai stayed silent and his eyes darkened.
“Fine. You can go now,” he dismissed Sergei with a wave.
“But we haven’t finished,” Sergei replied with a gesture to the files that laid scattered all over the desk.
“Just go Sergei,” Nikolai closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.
Obediently, Sergei left without another word.
Nikolai stared down at the desk. ‘I’m sorry’, the words played over and over in his head again. How could she end it with two simple words, he thought. She may have been with Michael but he felt as if she was his body and soul. This can’t be it, he thought still clinging to hope.
He poured himself some scotch from one of the crystal decanters he kept on the small bar in the far corner of his office and swung back the smooth liquid in one gulp. He poured himself another and another till his mind went blank and his eyes closed shut.
No matter how much he tried not to think of her, he couldn’t help but dream of Audrina. The way she laughed, the way she smiled, the way she would rake her nails through his hair as he slept. She haunted every second of his dreamscape.
“What is going on with you?” he awoke to the silvery voice that spoke in Russian.
He opened his eyes fully and saw the petite, raven haired beauty before him.
Svetlana.
She reminded him of a doll. Her hair was full and long with perfect curls that spiraled down her shoulders. Her eyes were a wide, mesmerizing shade of blue and her nose and mouth were small compared to those great eyes of hers. She looked exactly like his mother when she was her age.
“Nothing,” he replied as he tried to sit up straight. He dropped the glass from his hand and onto the floor with a hard thud. Thankfully it didn’t break.
“Don’t lie to me,” she said picking up the glass. “You have been acting strange since I moved in… Tell me Niko.”
“It is nothing,” he replied. It was the early hours of the morning when he glanced at the clock. “Why are you up?”
“Because I’m worried about you,” she said. “You haven’t been eating much and I notice you are stressed. My, you haven’t even shaved your face in days. I know something is wrong. I feel it.”
Svetlana kneeled down and took his hand in hers, putting her cheek to his hand. The small gesture made him smile. Svetlana had a way with making Nikolai feel at ease and speaking with her openly. And after her terrifying ordeal, he promised that he would try harder to be more honest with her.
“It’s a girl,” he said finally when he knew Svetlana would keep on persisting.
“I knew it!” she beamed. “Who is the lucky girl?”
Nikolai sighed. What was the point of lying anymore when it was over. “She is a woman who is engaged to another man…”
Svetlana was taken aback and waited silently for Nikolai to continue.
“And I have been having an affair with her for months,” he sighed again. “… She just ended it with me.”
Nikolai stretched his neck side to side and waited for Svetlana to reply. She looked up at Nikolai studying his face. She had never seen him in such a state before. He looked like a shell of the dashing man she knew her brother to be. The situation had to be bothering him real bad if he was drinking and not taking care of himself, Svetlana concluded.
“Come on,” she stood up and pulled on his arms to get him up and out of the chair. “You need to sleep in your bed. And when you wake up, I will shave your face and then you will take me to lunch.”
Nikolai nodded. He was in no mood to put up a fight. He had a lot of things to see through. He let Svetlana lead him through the enormous, darkened, empty house. Despite his size, he felt like an ant in his own home as he slowly climbed up the wide, marbled staircase. This house is too big for just me and Svetlana, he thought bitterly.
* * *
“You look refreshed,” Sergei greeted Nikolai as he entered the study early the next morning.
“Aren’t you supposed to be with Nikki?” he replied as he sat in his chair. He picked up a file and began to scan through it.
“Well I figured we had to hurry up and go through these,” Sergei held up a file. “You said it was important… so Nikki took off with Aud-… a friend.”
Nikolai sighed. “You can say her name.”
Despite her choice, Nikolai never wanted it to come to that. He would never tire of hearing her beautiful name. It pained him, yes, but a small part of him wanted to believe she was still going to come around.
Sergei cleared his throat. “Our ‘friend’ has made it to the motherland,” he said hoping to change the subject quickly.
“Good,” Nikolai said. To hear Sammy had made it back home was the best news he could receive. With everything going on, he was happy to hear that at least.
“He’s set up with our people,” Sergei added. “Sasha has him under his wing.”
Nikolai nodded and continued on scanning through the various stacks of files. He needed to hurry up and find what he was looking for before things headed south. He knew the file was somewhere in the stacks hidden.
“Found it!” Sergei exclaimed hours later, holding up the file in hand.
“Give it to me,” Nikolai held his hand out.
He opened up the file and began to read. As he read the few pages inside the file he frowned. “Is this what the fuck everyone is after?”
Sergei nodded. “Some are paying a half a mil for that document.”
“What’s it fucking worth if the kid is dead?” Nikolai slammed the file on the desk. Months and days it took to find that file just to find out the key to the biggest fortune everyone was after, was dead.
“This can’t be it,” Nikolai sighed. “I know it.”
“This is all I could get from Sarg,” Sergei said. “They match with the same files Sammy gave us.”
“I don’t trust neither of them,” he replied. “Especially Sarg. He’d sell his own soul for the right price… get our man from inside to look into it… I sense a cover up.”
Sergei nodded and left without further instruction. Nikolai himself wasn’t after the fortune but he did need it if he was going to go head to head with rival families. It would ensure his family’s future and a few others that had put their fates in his hands.
He was weary. He closed his eyes but immediately opened them again when he saw a familiar set of honeyed eyes flash into his mind. He had to let her go. She chose and he had to let it be. With the threat of a war coming on between the crime families of the East, he could only hope she would be protected.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“You are about twelve weeks pregnant, ” the doctor stated as she looked at the screen.
The monitor to her right showed the outline of a small baby surrounded by black and white squiggly lines. Her baby. She squeezed Nikki’s hand with tears in her eyes.
Dr. Jones pressed a button on the monitor and snapped a picture of the ultrasound. She wiped Audrina’s stomach clean and disposed of her gloves. She turned to Audrina with a big, pearly white smile. “Congratulations. I will be back shortly with a copy of the ultrasound and to discuss setting up a future appointment.”
“Thank you,” Audrina smiled.
Dr. Jones shut the door behind her quietly, leaving the two girls alone. Audrina quickly did the math in her head. Twelve weeks! She was three months pregnant and did not even know it! If her estimations were correct then she may have gotten pregnant before Michael went on his trip. The timeline was correct. And she missed her period soon after that.
But then, like a cold bucket thrown on her, she remembered she slept with Nik
olai around the same time. Three months ago was when they started their affair. Audrina placed her hands over her eyes when the tears came flooding out. She couldn’t believe she let this happen.
“It’s okay,” Nikki soothed her. “I don’t think we’ll know for sure until this little tic-tac pops out of you,” she smiled rubbing her stomach.
Audrina chuckled in between sobs. “Tic-tac?”
“It’s the first thing that came into mind when I saw the baby,” Nikki smiled.
“Here’s your appointment for next month,” Dr. Jones handed Audrina the little card containing her appointment date and time. “We can find the exact age of the baby and maybe set a due date… In the mean time, get lots of rest, no stress. Bad for baby.”
Once the doctor handed Audrina the lists of do’s and don’ts and a few other helpful pamphlets, the girls left her office and headed back to Nikki’s place. Audrina wanted to be somewhere safe where no one bothered her.
“You’re not showing too much,” Nikki said. “I think you can hide this till we find out the exact time you got pregnant. Unless you and Michael are having sex all the time, then it will be tricky to hide.”
Audrina shook her head. “We haven’t had sex in almost two weeks… he hardly stays home long enough to do that…”
Nikki went on about how to conceal her belly once it started to grow, but all Audrina could hear was her own heart pumping loudly into her ears. She was scared but she needed to do what she felt was right.
Audrina let out a shaky breath. “I’m leaving Michael too.”
“What?” Nikki’s green eyes widened.
“I want to figure this all out without having to explain myself to any man,” Audrina concluded. She had made her decision last night in bed when Michael had snuck out while he thought she was sleeping and creeped back in before dawn. She had had it with all his secrecy.
“You can stay with me,” Nikki offered.
“No,” Audrina shook her head. “I’m not bringing my problems here… I’ve already figured it out. I saved some money over the last year, it’s not enough to sit on my ass forever… but I can put a deposit on a place and cover all expenses for a year. “
