by Reana Malori
“Did it?” she responded back with a raised brow.
“If it didn’t, you sure as shit fooled me. Which makes me think, what else are you hiding from me? What else don’t I know about you?” he asked in a low, dark voice. “You’re fighting against us so much. Pushing me away. Questioning what you mean to me. I don’t fucking understand this.”
His words were like a slap. Just because she needed to time to figure out what she wanted made her into a liar?
She took another step back from him, not in fear, but to send the message that she was done. Lips pursed, she stared at him with a hard gaze. This conversation had taken a turn for the worse and she would not defend herself.
Grabbing up his jacket, he made to leave. “I’ll call you when I’m back in town.”
“You do that,” she returned.
Jackson paused, looking at her as if trying to figure something out. Seeming to come to his own conclusion, he strode away from her and out of the door as she stood there silently.
About ten seconds after the door closed behind him, she saw his lights pull out of her driveway. Another ten seconds passed as she stood there waiting. For what, she wasn’t sure.
Then the tears started to fall.
Her whole life, she’d been adamant that she had no use for the love and relationships that others desired so much. Her career was her love life. Living vicariously through her friends was enough for her. Although she wanted to travel more, her job didn’t really allow that. Whenever she needed her kid fix, she visited Kara and spent time with her godson.
That was her life and she loved it. It had been enough for her.
Lately though, not having that label on what she meant to Jackson had started to gnaw at her. After hearing the real reason behind the argument between him and Austin, it made her question certain things.
Were they a couple? Why hadn’t Jackson told his friends they were dating? Was he still in love with his ex? Did she mean nothing more to him that just a warm body and sex whenever he wanted it? When he came up north from Norfolk, which was practically every weekend and some days in between when he didn’t need to be on base, she would drop everything in her life to be with him.
To her, that was more than just a man she slept with on occasion. That was rearranging her life to accommodate her man. If he were ashamed to publicly state that she belonged to him, then why was she wasting her time?
Questions swirled around her mind as she wiped the moisture from her eyes. Tempted to call Kara and bare her feelings, she decided against it. Not tonight. Things were too raw. Tomorrow would be soon enough to deal with what was going on in her head.
Jackson had left the food on the counter, so she packed it up and put it away in the refrigerator for her to eat for dinner tomorrow. It would be a long and lonely few days. Turning off the kitchen lights, she made her way through the house locking up and shutting down for the night.
Once she made it upstairs, she climbed into bed and turned on the murder-death-kill channel. Not sure why this channel soothed her. She’d come to accept that if she didn’t put it on before she went to bed, she’d toss and turn all night.
Picking up her phone to see if there were any last-minute emails to answer, she didn’t want to admit that she was hoping for a text from Jackson.
Nothing.
“Well, girl, you wanted time. Now you got it,” she whispered to the dark room as she settled under the covers.
CHAPTER EIGHT
“What do you mean, he just left?” Heather asked as she sipped her white Russian cocktail.
“So you got mad at him because of his ex?” Kara questioned.
“No. No. Not really.” Lisa shook her head as she spoke. The three girlfriends were at their favorite spot in Old Town Alexandria, Virginia having lunch.
“Okay. So why don’t you explain to us what happened,” Heather said as she looked over at Kara. “I have a feeling this is going to be good.”
“Okay, are you guys gonna listen or not?” she hissed at her friends. She knew they were making fun of her, but once she explained it to them, she was sure they’d understand.
“Maybe. Are you gonna tell us about all the kinky stuff y’all did in the bedroom?” Heather asked, her eyebrows going up and down comically, which then caused Kara to let out a loud bark of laughter.
Taking a sip of her apple martini, she gave both of her best friends dirty looks as they sat their cackling. “Okay, both of y’all need to just stop.”
“Nope,” Kara stated. “You’re gonna tell us why you kicked that fine-ass man out of your house before you got some.”
“Aren’t you a married woman?” Lisa asked her friend.
“Yeah. So what?” she asked. “Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a fine-ass man. Why don’t you quit stalling and spill it?”
Lisa was torn. After Jackson left last night and she’d tried to get to sleep, she couldn’t help but think about their relationship. It may not be what others would want, but what they had was real.
Maybe she’d tried to force him to make a decision when he wasn’t ready. Then she piggybacked on top of that thought and banished any lingering doubts about what she’d done. She deserved better than to be his “go-to” woman when he wanted to get laid. Either he gave her what she needed from him, or he could pound sand.
“Lisa,” she heard Heather begin.
“Okay, okay. Damn, y’all so nosy,” she said, but without any type of heat.
“Yup, and we always will be. Plus, you started it. All I did was ask if you were seeing him this weekend. You could have lied,” Kara responded.
“No, I couldn’t have. You would have known it as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I’m surprised he hasn’t already called Austin and told him what happened,” she commiserated.
“Who said he hasn’t?” Kara asked with a quirk of her eyebrow.
Lisa’s breath stuttered and she almost broke her neck looking in Kara’s direction. “Did he?”
Kara laughed, “Girl, I don’t know. I’m just saying. If you’re that concerned about him calling Austin about some issues going on with the two of you, then you know it’s time to ’fess up. Those men don’t say shit. Ever. I’m surprised Austin does anything more than grunt when I ask him a question.”
Heather and Lisa nodded their heads in agreement, because she’d said nothing but the truth.
“I just don’t know how to explain it. After I found that Jack and Austin had gotten into a fight—”
“Wait. Are you saying they fought, like with hands and fists and blood and shit? Those two? But they’re best friends,” Heather interjected in a shocked tone.
“Yeah, that’s about the gist of it,” Lisa continued. “Austin was pressing Jack on why we hadn’t gone public and why we’d kept it silent for so long.” Taking a sip of her drink, she picked up the conversation again. “And I’m sorry about that, by the way.”
“About what,” Kara asked.
“Not telling you guys. I guess we just thought it was light and fun. If we kept our friends out of it, then this thing we had going on wouldn’t be serious. He could handle it. I could handle it. And everything would be all right in the world.”
“How’s that working out for you?” Heather asked with a smirk on her face.
“Well…not so hot,” she admitted.
“But knowing why they fought got me to thinking about what I wanted out of this. Was I happy with what we were doing?” She finally raised the question to her friends that she’d been struggling with for a while now. It felt good to share her internal doubts with her closest friends.
“And what did you decide?” Heather questioned.
Taking a deep breath before she answered, she nodded her head up and down, as if coming to a final conclusion at that moment. Or at least reaffirming it. “I want more. The labels and silly nicknames. I want his toothbrush in the bathroom and his cologne on the dresser. Being his part-time girlfriend is no longer enough for me. So I had to tell him t
hat.”
Tittering a bit, Kara picked up the conversation. “Based on what’s going on right now, he didn’t take it so well.”
“That’s the understatement of the year. Plus,” she paused, “I may as well let you both know that Daniel came back to town. You remember him, right?” she asked.
With a smile, Heather gave her a side glance. “Was that the hot Latino guy that worked with you?” Snagging a shrimp from their shared appetizer plate, she comically raised her eyebrows up and down.
Laughing at her friend’s antics, Lisa flipped her the bird. “I’m not talking to you.”
“Yes, you are. Now answer the question.”
Lisa nodded. “Yes, he’s the one.”
“What does that have to do with Jack?” Kara asked.
“Daniel was in my office the other day. He’s back in town for business and wanted to stop by and see me. Y’all know how much I had the hots for that dude. He could have gotten it every day and twice on Sunday.” Lisa laughed, fanning her face.
“Hmmm, if you hadn’t already staked your claim, I was gonna go after him myself,” Heather admitted.
In mock outrage, Kara glared at her friends, “Both of y’all are freaks and I cannot believe I let my baby be around you.”
“Mmmmm-hmmmm, so says the woman who had a weekend-stand with a hot Navy SEAL and got knocked up,” Heather teased while placing another bite of food in her mouth.
“Such a hussy,” Lisa muttered, then giggled at Kara’s shocked expression.
“Whatever.” Kara laughed after she recovered. “Can we get back to the story, Lisa? What does Daniel have to do with Jack?”
“Jackson came to my office that day to bring me lunch. He walked up just as Daniel was giving me a hug goodbye,” she finished.
“Oh damn,” Heather whispered.
“Shit,” Kara exclaimed.
“Exactly. He lost his shit. He was really upset. But we’d already had the first fight…discussion…whatever…about what type of relationship we were in. I think he thought Daniel was his replacement,” Lisa’s voice held a note of sadness.
Kara shook her head from side to side. “Men can be clueless, but he couldn’t really think you’d found someone within a day or two.”
“Well, he did. Then—well, I ignored him for the next three days. I didn’t want to talk to him. I was confused and had some things to deal with. I mean, how did we go from friends with benefits to me wanting the whole two kids and a white picket fence. That doesn’t make sense,” she finished in an exasperated tone.
Leaning back in her seat, she took a deep breath. This entire situation made absolutely no sense to her. When had things changed? Looking over at her two friends, she noticed them giving each other sly looks.
“What are you two giving each other looks for?” she asked.
Kara reached over, clasping Lisa’s hand in hers. “Lisa, honey, I hate to break it to you, but you’ve fallen for Jack.”
Pulling back in shock, she went into immediate denial. “No, I haven’t. I just don’t want to be his sometime-girl anymore. Either he wants me all the time or he doesn’t want me at all. I won’t settle for anything less. I deserve better.”
“And what if he doesn’t want what you want? What if he’s not ready for all that and you have to follow-through on your ultimatum? Then what?” Heather probed further, asking all the questions Lisa had been struggling with all week.
After tossing and turning all night and only getting about five hours of sleep, she was no closer to answering the questions swirling around in her head.
Dropping her head, she took a deep breath, “Then I’ll have to be ready to let him go.”
“Can you do that? By your own admission, this has been going on since the first night we met them. Are you strong enough to walk away?” Heather’s eyes were full of understanding.
A loud “no” rang out in her mind, but she had to silence that voice. Her own peace of mind was worth more than anything else.
A lump formed in her throat and her vision was becoming blurry at thought of what her answer had to be. There was no other choice. “Yes, if I had to. I could walk away.”
Heather’s eyes were sad, mirroring her own, she was sure. “Right, well, hopefully, it won’t come to that.” Out of the three of them, she and Heather were kindred spirits. She was sure that her behavior was freaking her friend out.
Kara was always meant to be the one to get married and have babies. Years ago, they’d designated themselves as the eccentric aunts that would spoil Kara’s kids until they ran out of ways, or Kara made them go away.
Kara joined in their circle, her hands reaching out to grab both Heather and Lisa. Smiling at both of them, she squeezed lightly, “No, it won’t. Jack’s a smart man. He knows what he has with you. He’s not giving that up. I think it’ll be hard for him to walk away from you. Just as you won’t be able to walk away from him. You guys will get it together. I hope.”
That’s what kept Lisa up at night. Jackson’s issues with relationships were deep-seated and the scars had not healed. She knew the reason he’d been so upset when he saw her and Daniel hugging was because of his past. Understanding was one thing, accepting that they would always have those barriers in their relationship was something else. Jackson would have to realize that she wasn’t Sarah. He needed to get over his past or they wouldn’t have a future.
The sad thing was, she’d never believed in love. Happily-ever-afters were for other people. Never her. But now, this situation had snuck up and bit her in the ass.
She’d finally found someone that she wanted to be with for the long haul. Someone to share her thoughts and dreams and fears with. That person who knew her better than anyone else and loved her, flaws and all.
And she was afraid it was all for nothing.
* * * * *
Jackson was tired. He needed to sleep, but his mind wouldn’t slow down. He was back in Norfolk for the day, but all he could think about was Lisa.
What the fuck was happening with them? He’d never had to worry about these issues with her before. Maybe it was a full moon or some shit, because his world had been topsy-turvy for the past week or so. Or maybe there was something in the water.
He’d done what he needed to on base and had come back to his studio apartment just a few miles away. It was just a spot for him to lay his head when he needed to get a break and hide away. The place was sparsely furnished and supplied, with only the barest of essentials. It didn’t need to be fancy, just good enough for him to relax and sleep when needed. His true home was up north in Stafford, Virginia, a little town about forty miles south of the capital.
Turning over onto his back, he stared at the ceiling. Looking at the clock on his phone, he noted it was just after seven in the evening.
Was she at home?
Did she miss him?
Should he call her to check in?
Questions turned over in his mind. No matter how much he tried to shut out the thoughts, they kept coming back.
He’d worked out for two hours. Drank a couple of beers. Even watched one of those stupid movies Lisa had been bugging him to watch for the past six months. He was surprised to discover he enjoyed it much more than he thought he would. It was really good. Surprisingly. But he sure as hell wasn’t going to tell her that.
Now that things were quiet, his mind wouldn’t shut off. He’d gone over things so many times, his brain had begun to hurt.
That situation with Sarah had fucked him up for years. It had almost ruined his career, which would have been unfathomable to him. He’d become a changed man since then; he had become hardened to the possibility of opening himself up to another woman. For the last ten years, he’d been all about playing and having fun. Life was too short to be so serious all the time and he took advantage of every situation.
Women. They were for him to use when offered.
Sex. Was for his pleasure and he enjoyed his pleasure very much.
Love would never
be in the cards for him again. It was fine and good for others, but not for him. Love made people weak. Your head stopped being in the game. Guys he’d come to know over the years had gotten fucked up or died because they were so worried about what they had at home. They forgot themselves, lost focus, and that’s when mistakes happened.
He’d been there before, when everything had gone to hell in a handbasket. Making mistakes and taking unnecessary risks.
When things were good, a man could become overly paranoid, missing the things he needed to be aware of. Concerned with coming home in one piece, they shied away from doing the job in front of them. If shit was bad at home, that’s when he’d seen men go in half-cocked, not caring about the consequences, forgetting that they had other men depending on them to survive.
No, that kind of life wasn’t for him any longer.
But with Lisa, it had been different. He’d never had to worry about what was going on back home. Sure, they both agreed it would be casual and fun, but he never had any doubt that she was all his. Not once had it entered his head that she’d move on to someone else. That she wouldn’t be waiting for him when he came back.
Had he taken advantage of that?
“Fuck,” he yelled into the quiet room. Sitting up, he rubbed his hand down his face. His mind was all fucked up. This was the exact thing he’d been trying to avoid. He wasn’t leaving base until Monday at this point, considering the shit he had to handle. He had seven days off before he had to return to base.
Whatever this was between him and Lisa needed to be resolved by the time he came back.
He wasn’t going to have this hanging over his head when he needed to be on point. Maybe he was a damn fool after all.
Why was he fighting this so hard? Lisa was an amazing woman. Any man would want her by his side. Which he did. But the potential for her to betray him was too strong.
