Googling restaurants, I called to Dylan through the door. “Let’s go to Hukilau Lanai’s and get the Candied Ahi and BBQ Ribs. We have to do something none of us have done before. We’re almost done with these tasks. Did you know you’ve logged almost all of the tasks? This one just says an activity can’t count for more than one task. So, we can go to Hukilau’s for our first time.”
He opened the door, dressed in a clean pair of board shorts and a dark green shirt which set off his eyes. Dylan nodded, straining his shoulders and forcing a smile. “Sounds good.”
Was I that hard to be around? What had happened? “It’s close enough, we can just walk.” I suggested with a smile, but I could tell it was as forced as his.
When we arrived, I ordered the appetizers I’d recommended as well as the Hukilau Mixed Grill which came with three island grilled fresh fish and some fun sides from the chefs. Dylan disappeared to the front of the restaurant. He couldn’t have gone to the restroom since a discreet sign at the back of the restaurant located them in the rear.
I rested my elbow on the edge of my table and looked out the window at the crashing waves just beyond the green landscape. We were just down the beach from our hotel. Our walk had only taken us three minutes. I sipped on the ice water our waitress brought us and glanced around the quiet restaurant. We were a little early for the entertainment advertised at the front door. Thursday nights probably weren’t extremely busy before six.
A man walked by, glancing at my table and then at me. He slowed and pointed at the seat across from me which was still empty, making me feel a little self-conscious. “Is it just you?”
Where was Dylan? I shook my head softly with a slight smile. “No. My... Husband is in the restroom.” The term didn’t feel foreign coming off my tongue, which frightened me more than if it had. Maybe while Dylan was gone, I should take a few minutes and figure out which way I was going to go with my decision.
He nodded, smiling. Holding out a hand with a large wedding ring on it, he smiled again. “My wife often leaves me to go to the restroom at meals, too. She says clean hands make for more delicious food. I am Ricco and I own this humble place. Did you order any pupus, I’m sorry, appetizers?” He spun the chair around and took a seat beside me, smiling as we talked.
Ricco was pleasant and he spoke often of his wife. The minutes crawled past and for the first time in a while, irritation welled inside me at Dylan’s desertion. Where had he gone? Why wasn’t he the one I laughed with and spoke with? What was out front? He wasn’t in the bathroom. I was tempted to get up and go find him.
I laughed at something Ricco said and suddenly Dylan was there, his hands clenched and his shoulders bunched up. He snarled at Ricco who made his excuses and shot me a glance of apology before disappearing. Dylan took me by the hand and pulled me outside. I followed, unclear what was going on.
Startled, I yanked him to a stop on the edge of the parking lot, where the blacktop met the green grass. Jerking a thumb over my shoulder toward the restaurant, I thrust my chin to the side. “That was rude. What are you doing? I was talking to him.”
“Stop flirting with everyone.” He said it through clenched teeth and tight lips. Dylan’s gaze bore into mine.
“I’m not. He’s married. He owns the restaurant. He wanted to talk to someone since they were so slow and he saw I was all alone. For quite a while. Have you been drinking? Why were you gone so long?” I crossed my arms and stepped back. Where had my Dylan gone? The man in front of me was acting so weird. He hadn’t been normal since the Queen’s Bath. Maybe the potential danger of the situation was getting to him.
Dylan closed his eyes and shook his head, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He sighed, pacing in front of me while I watched. He finally stopped walking and looked at me with tormented eyes. “I’m sorry. I went to get you this.” He thrust a silver embossed black jewelry box into my hand and shook his head. Backing up, he searched the area for something – maybe an escape?
“What is this?” I stood with a hand on my hip and the box held at arm’s length as if it might bite me. I hadn’t made up my mind yet and there he was already deciding for me – if in fact, it was what it looked like. Thankfully, he didn’t drop to one knee.
Dylan watched me closely with an air of stillness about him as if he suspected I would act exactly like I was acting. Did he know my doubts? Could he read in me the fear of going further with him?
He spoke quietly, like he didn’t want to spook me. His eyes flickered as he searched my face and then fell to the box I still hadn’t opened or allowed too close to my body. He set his jaw. “I was worried. I had some things to get through about this afternoon, but I decided to shove them aside. I went to get your gift and I came back, excited... only to find you with that man.”
I ignored his obvious attempt to accuse me of something I wasn’t ready to be accused of. “Why would you be worried?”
“Because I was worried you wouldn’t be there.” He thrust a finger at the ground. “I’m worried that you’re going to leave. You take it for granted that I’m always here, but I never take any of the time you’re with me for granted. I know you’re a flight risk.”
I did. I did take him for granted, but only because I knew I would always keep him close. He was the only thing I needed in the world and he was worried I wouldn’t be there. Even if the romance wasn’t permanent, our friendship was. I thought he knew that. I thought he understood the circumstances of our relationship. He’d never spoken to me like that before. I pointed it out quietly. “You’ve never spoken like that to me. I didn’t know you felt that way.” How long had he felt like that? Since we’d started the whole stupid journey? Or longer?
“I’ve never had the right. I’ve never had the right to tell you how I feel and expect more from you than just treating me like one of your girlfriends.” He lifted his chin and I saw him for the proud man he was.
Where had I gone wrong? At what point was I abusing our relationship? I suddenly felt like such a horrible person and friend. But none of that defended or explained where he felt he was justified in treating me the way that he had. “No. You don’t have that right. You’ve never had that right and you never will. I don’t treat you like one of my girlfriends. I treat you like Dylan. Nothing has changed.” I didn’t know what to do with the box so I dropped the hand to my side where it hung limply.
Deflated, Dylan’s shoulders slumped and he half-turned from me. He lifted his head and looked at me from the side. “So... none of this has been real?”
What was he asking? Was he demanding an answer right then? Because I didn’t have one. I couldn’t tell him yes and give him everything only to take it away later. Once I committed to marriage it would be forever and I wasn’t absolutely sure Dylan and I were perfect for each other besides the perfection of the last few days in a place where everything was already perfect.
Plus, I didn’t like how jealous he was. We didn’t do jealous and if I always had to curb it, why didn’t he?
“Romance never is for me. I haven’t found the right guy yet.” I couldn’t quit lying to his face. At the same time, though, I couldn’t be that vulnerable. Not yet. Even with him.
“Now you’re lumping me in with other guys?” Hurt strangled his voice.
I almost reached out to him, to reassure him that we would always be together, even if I didn’t choose the path he obviously wanted. I nodded but said no. Even my body didn’t want me to treat him or the situation the way I was. My body longed to be in his arms, my heart longed to be with him, my spirit sought him.
But everything I was afraid of screamed at me to run.
Lifting my head, I smiled. “You can leave. They always do.” It was like I challenged him. Challenged him to leave, challenged him to be what I knew he was dying to be – what every man was meant to be.
I always pushed the men away, took their choice away so that it was in my control and not theirs. That way, no one had the opportunity to hurt me.
Har
dening myself against the pain I saw in Dylan’s eyes was easier, if I didn’t inspect too closely the fact that I’d caused it with a callousness I wasn’t usually predisposed to.
He stepped nearer to me, his throat working as he tried to speak. His voice fell into a whisper and it was like there were no cars in the street, no waves rushing in, and no breeze blowing the coconut tree fronds above us. It was just us in that space and in that time. “I’m tired of trying to convince you I’m not the other guys. I’m not your dad.”
“I didn’t ask you to convince me of anything.” It was the first fight we’d ever been in. The first real fight I had feared for so long. I would blame it on the romance aspect. That was it. Until we’d introduced the romance, we were perfect and now... I pasted a smile to my face. “It’s okay. I know better than to believe in forever. Fights ruin everything.”
“You think we won’t work because of a fight? This isn’t even a real fight.” He reached out with both hands, as if he was going to pull me into his arms to console me.
Taking the opportunity to thrust the box back into his hands, I sidestepped from his grasp, smirking as if I couldn’t be bothered anymore. We’d gone too far for my comfort level. Without the opportunity to make my decision and stand by it, I was being shoved into the norm for my decisions – flee. “Yep. It’s the beginning of the end.” Upset wasn’t the word I would use for how I felt. But I wouldn’t let him come closer. I had prepared myself for this.
I could handle it. I had to.
But Dylan... This would destroy him. But he’d promised we could go back to normal. I had to hold onto that. I had let the illusion go too far with him. It was all my fault and I was willing to accept responsibility for it, but I needed to be able to have the default in place. That would be my saving grace.
He bit his lip, the shadow of his stubble enhancing the angles of his face and the dark tortured pain in his eyes. Then, before I could react, he reached out and took his hand in mine, slapping the box into my palm.
I closed my fingers around the soft angles. “Just go.” The words were wrenched from my mouth and I wanted him to leave. I begged him to leave with my eyes.
My body hated me as I refused to cry. I wouldn’t cry.
And just like the man I knew him to be, Dylan did what I wanted – what he wanted.
He turned and walked away.
Chapter 20
DYLAN
Hukilau Lanai wasn’t far enough from the hotel for what I needed. Going straight to the hotel wasn’t an option at that point in time. I walked and walked and walked, circling other restaurants, skirting the Coconut Marketplace, finding myself at the beach by our hotel.
I sat on the still warm sand and watched the moonlight caress the waves. We had less than forty-eight hours together and we were wasting them fighting. Fighting. Which we never did. It was new territory for me and it made me sick. I could accept responsibility for it, but I was tired of waiting for her to see what we could be. How could I see things so clearly and she could turn a blind eye as if nothing had happened between us?
The sand lulled me to stay a little longer. I tried to give Kayla enough time to get into bed or do whatever she needed to do. Faced with new territory in our relationship, I wasn’t sure what the best actions to take would be.
When she left, I would have one more week left on the island. If she decided to stay with me, despite our fight, I was going to ask her to stay with me. Extend her vacation by a week and we could actually get married there on the island. We made solid money back home, we could afford a nice Hawaiian wedding on the beach with just us, the sand, and the officiator.
If she said no... I didn’t want to think that way though. I wanted things to work out. I wanted to ask her to really marry me. That’s what I’ve always wanted.
As I sat there and contemplated the time we were wasting fighting, it hit me that I was wasting even more sitting there thinking about. I stood and brushed the sand from my pants. I would fix things, because I loved her. I needed her to see she loved me.
I made my way back to our room, picking up my pace as I got closer. A dread drilled around inside me as I walked past our dark patio. All the lights were off in our rooms. Was she already in bed?
I rounded the lobby and walked down the hallway to our room, using the key to get inside.
Flipping on the light by the bathroom so I could see, I caught my breath. Something was off. It wasn’t that she wasn’t in the bed or wasn’t in the bathroom. She had completely removed herself from the hotel room. Her bags were gone, her toiletries were gone, and all of her clothes were gone. She had even made the bed as if she’d never been there. As if we’d never cuddled in each other’s arms.
I turned on the bathroom light in case she was hiding in there to surprise me like a joke or something. The wedding ring box sat on the counter with a note stuck to the bathroom mirror above it, grabbing my attention. The box hadn’t been opened.
I want to go back to the way things were.
Love ya.
K.
Wait. She couldn’t have left too long ago. I rushed down to the counter, slapping my hand on the surface in front of the woman’s face.
She lifted alarmed eyes to mine. “Can I help you, sir?”
I took a steadying breath. “The woman who was with me, Kayla Britton. Did she get another room? She left something in... mine.” I dug my fingers into my palms and broke out in a sweat. Please, say she was still there. Please.
“No, sir. Kayla Britton left for the airport. She had me call her a cab about thirty minutes ago.” She smiled empathetically. She might understand, but I doubted it.
I nodded tightly, patting the counter and turning. “Thank you.” Was that my voice? The choking sound at the end was at odds with how I normally sounded.
Back in my – not our – room I stood in the small foyer and stared at the shell of a suite. My heart broke. The door closed behind me with a soft click and I fell to my knees in the half-darkened room. I wasn’t going back to the way things were. I had to stop fighting for her and give her what she wanted.
I hung my head and tried to fight the sobs of despair that wanted to rip themselves from me.
I would have to call my lawyer in the morning and get things moving.
Something I desperately didn’t want to do.
Chapter 21
KAYLA
I had changed my flight and left the island as soon as I could. On the redeye flight back home toward the cold and Dylan-less Northwest, I stared out the window. The inky black of night taunted me. I had to agree. Could I be honest with myself?
The man next to me snored and jolted himself awake, looking at me like I’d rudely disturbed his sleep. He twisted, turning his face away from me and went back to his open-mouthed rest.
As the distance widened between Dylan and I, my heart ached to return to where I really belonged. Not in Idaho. Not alone. I should’ve stayed with him. I should’ve tried to figure it out.
And if I was really honest?
Like brutally honest?
Was I brave enough to admit to myself that I was the one who ran from intimacy and not the men? The only man who’d ever left me was my father. I was the one who pushed. I was the one who ran. I never pulled them into my life because I didn’t want them closer to me. I didn’t want to be vulnerable.
The only man who’d ever gotten close to me like that, who I had let in, was the only man that I really loved.
Dylan.
Or, I guessed it was Sheldon Dylan Drake.
When I got home, I searched for the itinerary he’d emailed me. I’d never known he was going to Hawaii because he hadn’t sent that part, he’d only sent me when he was leaving and coming home. He was supposed to be back in a week. Could I wait that long?
I waited through the rest of Friday evening, and all of Saturday, as if maybe he would text me first. Why did I expect him to make all the effort? He’d done more than his share and I was bursting with revelations
on the inner workings of my heart and soul. I had to share with someone and the only one I wanted to share with was...
Dylan.
Again all of my answers came back to him. How had I missed how fundamental he was to me? Not just on the friend level, but in everything. When I compared all men to him? That should’ve been enough of a clue.
Sitting in my living room with the television on some Hallmark movie, I gave into my heart and picked up the cell. What would be good to send him without being pushy? I didn’t want to apologize via text. That was as corny as it came and he deserved better.
I can’t wait to see you. We have a lot to talk about.
That should work. It wasn’t too platonic or too mushy. I wanted him to know how I felt but I didn’t want to divulge everything on the phone. A few hours passed and I have to admit, I worried it didn’t go through.
Washing laundry and the kitchen, I checked my phone every few minutes. After night had fallen, I tried again.
Hey! Whatcha doing? Did you want me to check on your plants?
He didn’t have plants inside his house, but I didn’t know what to say. I hit send before I could analyze the text like it was an ad going to the press. Plants? I closed my eyes and tried not to see the stupid text I’d sent. At least I hadn’t debated signing love you or anything else, and left it as it was.
I couldn’t sleep, checking to make sure my phone had a full battery and that it wasn’t broken. I even called customer service and had them check to make sure I could receive text messages. My phone was fine.
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