Lady Smatter. Beaufort, I see you are resolved to keep no terms with me. As to Miss Stanley, I renounce her with contempt; I came hither with the most generous views of assisting her, & prevailed with Mr. Codger to conduct her to her friends in the country; but since I find her capable of so much baseness, since I see that all her little arts are at work —
Cecilia. Forbear, madam, these unmerited reproaches; believe me, I will neither become a burthen to you, nor a scorn to myself; the measures I have taken I doubt not will meet with your Ladyship’s approbation, though it is by no means incumbent upon me, thus contemptuously accused, to enter into any defence or explanation.
[Exit.
Beaufort. Stay, my Cecilia, — hear me —
[Follows her.
Lady Smatter. How? Pursue her in defiance of my presence? Had I a pen & ink I should disinherit him incontinently. Who are all these people?
Enter Miss Jenny, Mrs. Voluble, & Mrs. Wheedle.
Miss Jenny. [As she enters.] Law, only look! Here’s Lady Smatter & an old gentleman!
Mrs. Voluble. What, in my parlor? Well, I declare, & so there is! Why how could they get in?
Mrs. Wheedle. I suppose the door’s open because of the hackney coach. But as to Miss Stanley, I believe she’s hid herself.
Codger. Madam, I can give your Ladyship no satisfaction.
Lady Smatter. About what?
Codger. About these people, madam, that your Ladyship was enquiring after, for, to the best of my knowledge, madam, I apprehend I never saw any of them before.
Lady Smatter. I see who they are myself, now.
Mrs. Voluble. [Advancing to Lady Smatter.] My Lady, I hope your Ladyship’s well; I am very glad, my lady, to pay my humble duty to your Ladyship in my poor house, & I hope —
Lady Smatter. Pray is Mr. Dabler at home?
Mrs. Voluble. Yes, my lady, & indeed —
Lady Smatter. Tell him, then, I shall be glad to see him.
Mrs. Voluble. Yes, my lady. [Aside to Miss Jenny.] I suppose, Miss Jenny, you little thought of my having such a genteel acquaintance among the quality!
[Exit.
Miss Jenny. [Aside to Mrs. Wheedle.] I’m afraid that poor lady in the closet will spoil all her things.
Lady Smatter. Yes, I’ll consult with Mr. Dabler; for as to this old soul, it takes him half an hour to recollect whether two & three make five or six.
Enter Censor.
Censor. I have, with some difficulty, traced your Ladyship hither.
Lady Smatter. Then, sir, you have traced me to a most delightful spot; & you will find your friend as self-willed, refractory & opinionated as your amplest instructions can have rendered him.
Censor. I would advise your Ladyship to think a little less for him, & a little more for yourself, lest in your solicitude for his fortune, you lose all care for your own fame.
Lady Smarter. My fame? I don’t understand you.
Censor. Nay, if you think such lampoons may spread without doing you injury —
Lady Smatter. Lampoons? What lampoons? — sure nobody has dared —
Enter Dabler & Mrs. Voluble.
Mrs. Voluble. Why here’s Mr. Censor too! I believe there’ll be company coming in all night.
Lady Smatter. Mr. Censor, I say, if there is any lampoon that concerns me, I insist upon hearing it directly.
Censor. I picked it up just now at a coffee house. [Reads.]
Yes, Smatter is the Muse’s Friend,
She knows to censure or commend;
And has of faith & truth such store
She’ll ne’er desert you — till you’re poor.
Lady Smatter. What insolent impertinence!
Dabler. Poor stuff! Poor stuff indeed! Your Ladyship should regard these little squibs as I do, mere impotent efforts of envy.
Lady Smatter. O I do; I’d rather hear them than not.
Dabler. And ill done, too; most contemptibly ill done. I think I’ll answer it for your Ladyship.
Censor. [Takes him aside.] Hark ye, Mr. Dabler, do you know this paper?
Dabler. That paper?
Censor. Yes, sir; it contains the lines which you passed off at Lady Smatter’s as made at the moment.
Dabler. Why, sir, that was merely — it happened —
Censor. It is too late for equivocation, sir; your reputation is now wholly in my power, & I can instantly blast it, alike with respect to poetry & to veracity.
Dabler. Surely, sir —
Censor. If, therefore, you do not, with your utmost skill, assist me to reconcile Lady Smatter to her nephew & his choice, I will show this original copy of your extemporary abilities to everybody who will take the trouble to read it: otherwise, I will sink the whole transaction, & return you this glaring proof of it.
Dabler. To be sure, sir, — as to Mr. Beaufort’s choice — it’s the thing in the world I most approve, — & so —
Censor. Well, sir, you know the alternative, & must act as you please.
Dabler. [Aside.] What cursed ill luck!
Lady Smatter. Mr. Censor, I more than half suspect you are yourself the author of that pretty lampoon.
Censor. Nay, madam, you see this is not my writing.
Lady Smatter. Give it me.
Censor. Hold, — here’s something on the other side which I did not see. [Reads.]
Were madness stinted to Moorfields
The world elsewhere would be much thinner;
To time now Smatter’s beauty yields —
Lady Smatter. How!
Censor. [Reading.]
She fain in wit would be a winner.
At thirty she began to read, —
Lady Smatter. That’s false! — entirely false!
Censor. [Reads.]
At forty, it is said, could spell, —
Lady Smatter. How’s that? At forty? — sir, this is your own putting in.
Censor. [Reads.] At fifty —
Lady Smatter. At fifty? — ha! ha! ha! — this is droll enough!
Censor. [Reads.]
At fifty, ’twas by all agreed
A common school girl she’d excel.
Lady Smatter. What impertinent nonsense!
Censor. [Reads.]
Such wonders did the world presage —
Lady Smatter. Mr. Censor, I desire you’ll read no more,— ’tis such rubbish it makes me quite sick.
Censor. [Reads.]
Such wonders did the world presage
From blossoms which such fruit invited, —
When Avarice, — the vice of age, —
Stept in, — & all expectance blighted.
Lady Smatter. Of age! — I protest this is the most impudent thing I ever heard in my life! Calculated for no purpose in the world but to insinuate I am growing old.
Censor. You have certainly some secret enemy, who avails himself of your disagreement with Miss Stanley to prejudice the world against you.
Lady Smatter. O, I’m certain I can tell who it is.
Censor. Who?
Lady Smatter. Mrs. Sapient.
Miss Jenny. [Aside.] Law, I’m afraid she’ll hear them.
Lady Smatter. Not that I suspect her of the writing, for miserable stuff as it is, I know her capacity is yet below it; but she was the first to leave my house when the affair was discovered, & I suppose she has been tailing it about the town ever since.
Mrs. Voluble. [Aside.] Ah, poor lady, it’s all to fall upon her!
Censor. Depend upon it, madam, this will never rest here; your Ladyship is so well known, that one satire will but be the prelude to another.
Lady Smatter. Alas, how dangerous is popularity! O Mr. Dabler, that I could but despise these libels as you do! — but this last is insufferable, — yet you, I suppose, would think it nothing?
Dabler. No, really, ma’am, I can’t say that, — no, not as nothing, — that is, not absolutely as nothing, — for — for libels of this sort — are rather —
Lady Smatter. How? I thought you held them a
ll in contempt?
Dabler. So I do, ma’am, only —
Censor. You do, sir? —
Dabler. No, sir, no; I don’t mean to absolutely say that, — that is, only in regard to myself, — for we men do not suffer in the world by lampoons as the poor ladies do; — they, indeed, may be quite — quite ruined by them.
Lady Smatter. Nay, Mr. Dabler, now you begin to distress me.
Enter Jack, singing.
Jack. She has ta’en such a dose of incongruous matter
That Bedlam must soon hold the carcase of Smatter
Lady Smatter. How? — what? — the carcase of who? —
Jack. Ha! Ha! Ha! Faith, madam, I beg your pardon, but who’d have thought of meeting your Ladyship here? — O Dabler, I have such a thing to tell you! [Whispers him & laughs.]
Lady Smatter. I shall go mad! — What were you singing, Jack, — what is it you laugh at? — why won’t you speak?
Jack. I’m so much hurried I can’t stay to answer your Ladyship now. Dabler, be sure keep counsel. Ha! Ha! Ha, — I must go & sing it to Billy Skip & Will. Scamper, or I shan’t sleep a wink all night.
[Going.
Lady Smatter. This is intolerable! Stay, Jack, I charge you! Mr. Codger, how unmoved you stand! Why don’t you make him stay?
Codger. Madam I will. Son Jack, stay.
Jack. Lord, sir, —
Lady Smatter. I am half choked! — Mr. Codger, you would provoke a saint! Why don’t you make him tell you what he was singing?
Codger. Madam, he is so giddy pated he never understands me. Son Jack, you attend to nothing! Don’t you perceive that her Ladyship seems curious to know what song you were humming?
Jack. Why, sir, it was only a new ballad.
Lady Smatter. A ballad with my name in it? Explain yourself instantly!
Jack. Here it is, — shall I sing it or say it?
Lady Smatter. You shall do neither, — give it me!
Censor. No, no, sing it first for the good of the company.
Jack. Your Ladyship won’t take it ill?
Lady Smatter. Ask me no questions, — I don’t know what I shall do.
Jack. [Sings.]
I call not to swains to attend to my song;
Nor call I to damsels, so tender & young;
To critics, & pedants, & doctors I clatter,
For who else will heed what becomes of poor Smatter.
With a down, down, derry down.
Lady Smatter. How? Is my name at full length?
Jack. [Sings.]
This lady with study has muddled her head;
Sans meaning she talk’d, & sans knowledge she read,
And gulp’d such a dose of incongruous matter
That Bedlam must soon hold the carcase of Smatter.
With a down, down, derry down.
Lady Smatter. The carcase of Smatter? — it can’t be, — no one would dare —
Jack. Ma’am, if you stop me so often, I shall be too late to go & sing it any where else to night. [Sings.]
She thought wealth esteem’d by the foolish alone,
So, shunning offence, never offer’d her own;
And when her young friend dire misfortune did batter,
Too wise to relieve her was kind Lady Smatter.
With a down, down, derry down.
Lady Smatter. I’ll hear no more!
[Walks about in disorder.
Censor. Sing on, however, Jack; we’ll hear it out.
Jack. [Sings.]
Her nephew she never corrupted with pelf,
Holding starving a virtue — for all but herself
Of gold was her goblet, of silver, her platter,
To show how such ore was degraded by Smatter.
With a down, down, derry down.
A club she supported of witlings & fools,
Who, but for her dinners, had scoff’d at her rules;
The reason, if any she had, these did shatter
Of poor empty-headed, & little-soul’d Smatter.
With a down, down, derry down.
Lady Smatter. Empty-headed? — little souled? — who has dared write this? — Where did you get it?
Jack. From a man who was carrying it to the printers.
Lady Smatter. To the printers? — O insupportable! — are they going to print it? — Mr. Dabler, why don’t you assist me? — how can I have it suppressed? — Speak quick, or I shall die.
Dabler. Really, ma’am, I — I —
Censor. There is but one way, — make a friend of the writer.
Lady Smatter. I detest him from my soul, — & I believe ’tis yourself!
Censor. [Bowing.] Your Ladyship is not deceived; — I have the honour to be the identical person.
Lady Smatter. Nay, then, I see your drift, — but depend upon it, I will not be duped by you.
[Going.
Censor. Hear me, madam! —
Lady Smatter. No, not a word!
Censor. You must! [Holds the door.] You have but one moment for reflection, either to establish your fame upon the firmest foundation, or to consign yourself for life to irony & contempt.
Lady Smatter. I will have you prosecuted with the utmost severity of the law.
Censor. You will have the thanks of my printer for your reward.
Lady Smatter. You will not dare —
Censor. I dare do any thing to repel the injuries of innocence! I have already shown you my power, & you will find my courage undaunted, & my perseverance indefatigable. If you any longer oppose the union of your nephew with Miss Stanley, I will destroy the whole peace of your life.
Lady Smatter. You cannot! — I defy you!
[Walks from him.
Censor. I will drop lampoons in every coffee-house, —
[Following her.
Lady Smatter. You are welcome, sir. —
Censor. Compose daily epigrams for all the papers, —
Lady Smatter. With all my heart, —
Censor. Send libels to every corner of the town, —
Lady Smatter. I care not! —
Censor. Make all the ballad singers resound your deeds,
Lady Smatter. You cannot! — shall not!
Censor. And treat the Patagonian Theatre with a poppet to represent you.
Lady Smatter. [Bursting into tears.] This is too much to be borne, Mr. Censor, you are a daemon!
Censor. But, if you relent, — I will burn all I have written, & forget all I have planned; lampoons shall give place to panegyric, & libels, to songs of triumph; the liberality of your soul, & the depth of your knowledge shall be recorded by the Muses, & echoed by the whole nation!
Lady Smatter. I am half distracted! — Mr. Dabler, why don’t you counsel me? — how cruel is your silence!
Dabler. Why, certainly, ma’am, what — what Mr Censor says —
Censor. Speak out, man! — Tell Lady Smatter if she will not be a lost woman to the literary world, should she, in this trial of her magnanimity, disgrace its expectations? Speak boldly!
Dabler. Hem! — you, — you have said, sir, — just what I think.
Lady Smatter. How? Are you against me? — nay then —
Censor. Everybody must be against you; even Mr. Codger, as I can discern by his looks. Are you not, sir?
Codger. Sir, I can by no means decide upon so important a question, without maturely pondering upon the several preliminaries.
Censor. Come, madam, consider what is expected from the celebrity of your character, — consider the applause that awaits you in the world; — you will be another Sacharissa, a second Sappho, — a tenth muse.
Lady Smatter. I know not what to do! — allow me, at least, a few days for meditation, & forbear these scandalous libels till —
Censor. No, madam, not an hour! — there is no time so ill spent as that which is passed in deliberating between meanness & generosity! You may now not only gain the esteem of the living, but — if it is not Mr. Dabler’s fault, — consign your name with honour to posterity.
Lady Smatter. To posterity? — why, where is this girl gone? — what has Beaufort done with himself? —
Censor. Now, madam, you have bound me yours forever! — here, Beaufort! — Miss Stanley! —
[Goes out.
Jack. Huzzah! —
Codger. Madam, to confess the verity, I must acknowledge that I do not rightly comprehend what it is your Ladyship has determined upon doing?
Lady Smatter. No; nor would you, were I to take an hour to tell you.
Re-enter Censor, with Beaufort & Cecilia.
Beaufort. O madam, is it indeed true that —
Lady Smatter. Beaufort, I am so much flurried, I hardly know what is true; — save, indeed, that pity, as a certain author says, will ever, in noble minds, conquer prudence. Miss Stanley —
Censor. Come, come, no speeches; this whole company bears witness to your consent to their marriage, [In a low voice.] & your Ladyship may depend upon not losing sight of me till the ceremony is over.
Cecilia. Lady Smatter’s returning favour will once more devote me to her service; but I am happy to find, by this letter, that my affairs are in a less desperate situation than I had apprehended. [Gives a letter to Lady Smatter.] But here, Mr. Censor, is another letter which I do not quite so well understand; it contains an order for £5000, & is signed with your name?
Censor. Pho, pho, we will talk of that another time.
Cecilia. Impossible! Liberality so undeserved —
Censor. Not a word more, I entreat you!
Cecilia. Indeed I can never accept it.
Censor. Part with it as you can! I have got rid of it. I merit no thanks, for I mean it not in service to you, but in spite to Lady Smatter, that she may not have the pleasure of boasting, to her wondering Witlings, that she received a niece wholly unportioned. Beaufort, but for his own stubbornness, had long since possessed it, — from a similar motive.
Cecilia. Dwells benevolence in so rugged a garb? — Oh Mr. Censor — !
Beaufort. Noble, generous Censor! You penetrate my heart, — yet I cannot consent —
Censor. Pho, pho, never praise a man for only gratifying his own humour.
Enter Bob, running.
Bob. Mother, mother, I believe there’s a cat in the closet!
Mrs. Voluble. Hold your tongue, you great oaf!
Bob. Why, mother, as I was in the back parlor, you can’t think what a rustling it made.
Miss Jenny. [Aside.] Dear me! — it’s the poor lady! —
Complete Works of Frances Burney Page 369
