by Kim Koby
Shadow nudged Abby’s hand with his head. Ben caught on. “Abby, are you okay?”
Abby heard his voice, but it was distant, as if he were in another room. Her breathing grew more labored. Lightheaded, she tried to make sense of what was happening.
“What can I do?” he asked. “Come on, stay with me.”
She nodded her head, trying to focus and draw in deep, slow breaths. It’s not like she kept smelling salts handy. Why couldn’t she think clearly?
Shadow whimpered again and nudged the handbag that was strapped over her shoulder.
“Is there something you need in your bag?” Ben asked, trying to help her focus.
Abby nodded, but couldn’t think clearly. Her mind was foggy. His voice grew more distant.
Ben spoke slowly. “I’m going to check your purse for medication, okay? Do you have anxiety medicine for panic attacks?”
She nodded again. Still no words. Finally, she whispered, “I’m okay.”
Their hands brushed against one another as she blindly went to open her purse.
Abby took a pill out and swallowed it. There’d be time to be embarrassed later. All she could do was concentrate on the here and now. Within a few minutes, her heartbeat slowed, and the sense that she was drowning in anxiety smoothed over. She quietly walked back to her car, then leaned against it, embarrassed by her lack of control.
“Panic attack?” he asked.
It was hard to make eye contact. Great. What guy wants to get involved with a girl who can’t hold it together? It made it all too real. In the confines of her home, alone, it wasn’t a big deal, but in front of a cute guy that she was interested in…not so much. Her gaze dropped to the ground. She mumbled, “Yeah. Sorry about that.”
Ben tenderly tipped her chin up toward him so that she’d look at him. “Don’t apologize. It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. All I care about is that you’re past whatever it is that set you off.”
“I have a lot of baggage. I’m damaged goods,” she said quietly. Abby swallowed hard, wishing she could disappear.
“No. You’re not damaged goods. You’re human. We all go through stuff.” He drew his finger to her lips and tenderly traced them. The desire to kiss her was so strong, he could almost taste her. Now wasn’t the time. “Why don’t we get something to eat? I’ll drive, then we can come back and get your car.”
“Are you sure you still want to go out for lunch?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” He scrunched up his nose, confused.
“Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?” she asked.
He was taken aback. The thought never crossed his mind. Why would she think that? “No. Not the slightest bit. I want to spend time with you, if you couldn’t tell.”
“You’re not just being nice?” Why did she need so much reassurance?
“If you hadn’t noticed, I’m attracted to you. I thought it was obvious. Maybe I’m being too subtle?” he said.
“You like me? I like you, too,” she admitted quietly.
“Good, now that this conversation is out of the way, we can put this behind us…yes?”
She nodded. Her cheeks heated over. He liked her. That was really nice. Really. Why did she feel like a child? She was a grown woman, yet ever since…well, it had been a while since she’d been involved with another person. It’s like she’d been cast back to high school.
They moved silently toward Ben’s truck. He opened the passenger door for them and waited for Shadow to jump up. Abby got in behind her dog and buckled her seat belt.
Ben walked around to the driver’s side and got in the truck. “Will you tell me about Shadow? What brought him to you as a service dog? Was it a pattern of events, or one in particular? I’d love to know more, if you don’t mind sharing.”
She drew in a deep breath. “I don’t mind. I just hope you’re not freaked out hearing about stuff like mental health issues. I always get nervous talking about them, because people either look at you with pity or suddenly they’re nervous to be around you, like you’ll snap or something. Other disabilities are visible, so people think they know what to expect. With mental health, they’re always judging your behavior. I like you, Ben, but I am who I am. I’m not going to hide my issues, but it’s also not always easy to be around me. You’d do better to find somebody less complicated to hang out with.”
“You leave that decision to me,” he said. “I don’t scare easy. Not anymore, at least.”
She cocked her head to the side at the last bit. Not anymore? What exactly did that mean?
They drove past the Gold Coast Community College on the way to the restaurant.
Abby finally found her footing and started the conversation, not sure how much detail to include. She’d generalize most of it unless he asked for more information. It was easier that way. “So, a couple of years ago, I went through something. It was a traumatic incident. I went to therapy for a while, but I was still having trouble getting past what happened. It wasn’t my father’s passing. This was before that.”
“Okay,” he said, following along.
She cleared her throat, then continued. “Anyway, it messed with my head a lot, and left me in a state of constant fear. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or as most people call it PTSD, and the anxiety and panic attacks tend to appear when I’m stressed. Shadow helps me in different ways. A lot of people respond to treatment or get past the initial shock of something, but for some reason I was stuck. That’s when they suggested I look at getting a service dog. Shadow has been the best thing to happen to me. He’s not only a caretaker, he’s my best friend.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through something that left you traumatized. You’ve had more than your fair share of stuff. And then losing your father as well… That’s rough.”
“I stay home more than I go out. I guess I feel safer being in the confines of my own space. I tend to get hypervigilant and nervous in crowds.” She laughed nervously. “I should probably stop talking. I’m not painting a very attractive picture.”
“Life can be messy. I expect most people to have baggage these days. We all do. I wish you wouldn’t stop talking, though. I’d like to know more about you. Trust me, I have my own issues. None of us are perfect.”
Abby thanked him for his gentle understanding.
“Can I ask what happened or is it still too hard to discuss?”
She closed her eyes, then continued. “I was attacked and assaulted. It’s hard for me to talk about the details, but I was terrified for my life and have never been the same.”
“I understand that feeling.”
“I guess fighting fires must get scary,” she said.
“Not that way. I had a gun pointed at my head one time. It changed everything I’d ever thought of myself. I ran like a coward.” He wasn’t sure why he admitted it, but since she was being so vulnerable, it seemed only fair to show her that he had demons, too.
“How is that being a coward? If a gun is in your face, the natural desire is to survive. I’d have run too,” she admitted.
“I guess. But something was going down, and maybe I could have helped. The fact that I took off left me questioning who I am. It really played with my head. I felt like the world’s biggest loser. What if I could have made a difference? Instead of helping, I ran.”
“Seriously, a gun pointed at you is enough reason to run. Have you forgiven yourself?” she asked.
“I keep trying. I guess that’s why I run into burning buildings sometimes. I’m trying to gain some sort of redemption. What if me running made things worse?”
“You can’t know that,” she said, comforting him.
Ben shrugged. “Well, now you know that you’re not alone. I screwed up my head, and it’s taken me a couple of years to move forward. So, an anxiety attack doesn’t freak me out. No need to worry about judgement.”
“I appreciate you sharing that with me.” It was nice that he was open. At least for a moment in time she didn’
t feel like such a loser.
They pulled up to a restaurant that sat beside the popular Sweets and Treats.
“Have you ever had the giant donuts from there?” Ben asked. “We’ll need to pick one up after lunch. You can take it home with you.”
“Oh, yeah, they’re amazing, but huge! They have gourmet vegan dog treats, too. Maybe I’ll grab Shadow something while we’re at it.”
“I think he deserves one. He was a big help today in more ways than one.”
Chapter Seven
Ben and Abby were led to a corner booth by the hostess. The red vinyl booths had a retro feel. She handed them menus and pointed out the drink menu by the salt and pepper shakers. “Your server will be with you shortly.”
Ben knew he should be deciding what he wanted to order, but he was too busy gazing at his company. Abby’s lips were soft, pink, and pouty, like a little rosebud. He’d gone into the day attracted to her, but through the events of their heightened adrenaline, the pull toward her grew stronger.
“What do you think was going on with Mr. Anderson?” she asked. “I didn’t like his reaction one bit. He knows more than he’s saying, obviously. The way he shut down at the end and told us to leave…”
“Yeah, his demeanor changed way too quickly. I didn’t want to press, though there’s something’s fishy going on if you ask me,” he agreed.
A waitress appeared and took their drink orders, then promised to come back to get the rest of their order. Ben nodded and told her they’d need a little bit of extra time.
“What do you think it’s about? I’m still trying to figure out why somebody would put a tunnel to and from the barn? If it was a ground cellar, he’d have just said so, like we store grain there or potatoes. Instead, his reaction gave away too much. And why would it be a secret? I do believe Mrs. Anderson didn’t know about it. She seemed genuinely surprised at the news. On the other hand, just the way Mr. Anderson looked at you—it sent chills through me. Like he’d been caught red handed or something, and yet what could possibly make him so uncomfortable? It’s on his property after all. What’s the big deal, unless there’s a reason it shouldn’t be there?”
Ben shook his head in frustration. “I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out what the tunnel could have been used for. If it were a survivalist thing, it would have surplus items stocked. Think about it; cans, water, maybe a radio, but it was cleaned out. Not a speck of anything was left behind. And even in a severe weather situation, there would be provisions, wouldn’t you think? Why else would there be shelves built into the cavern? It looks like it was cleaned out, not loaded. It doesn’t make sense.”
“Why would a farm need a tunnel? That’s the part that confuses me. They have all that property, along with plenty of outbuildings. What was the purpose? I can’t really think of what purpose it would fill. And with a ladder, it obviously wasn’t for animals. It’s not like a cow or horse could climb one.”
Ben pondered. “I wonder if your father knew about it?”
“My dad? Why would he? And why was he even at the Anderson property? I wish I didn’t have so many unanswered questions. That bothers me more than anything…the not knowing,” she admitted.
“Yeah, I can imagine that would be difficult to live with. I wish I could have found you some answers. I know how much this means to you. Instead, we’re left scratching our heads.”
“Maybe we did find something. Only we have no idea what the question is this time. We found the tunnel, but what does it mean? Could that have anything to do with what happened?” She reached down and patted Shadow’s head. He was happy curled at their feet under the table.
Ben watched how Abby’s cheeks rounded as she smiled. A small dimple cut into one of her cheeks. She was cute in a girl-next-door way, and yet pretty at the same time. A strand of hair escaped from the elastic that held her hair back. He wanted to reach over and gently move it off her face, and over her ear. He resisted the urge.
When the server returned with their drinks, they placed their lunch order. Ben planned on taking his time when it came to lunch. The longer he got to spend around Abby, the better. Besides, it pushed the disappointment of being suspended from work from his mind. Lunch with Abby was a pleasant reward from it all.
“Do you think we should tell the police about the tunnel?” she asked.
“I’m not sure. It’s not like there’s anything illegal about having a tunnel on your property. Odd? Most certainly. Wrong? No. It didn’t look like there was anything in the cavern other than shelves that would tell them anything. I’m just not quite sure what we’d be reporting.”
She nodded. “Right. I understand what you’re saying, but doesn’t it feel like somebody should know something about it? What if it reopens the case file?”
“Honestly,” he started, “I’d like to try and figure out what it was used for before the cops get in there. Once they do, it will be shut off us. There’s no chance of us checking things out if they’re investigating it. Maybe we should work on getting more information about of Mr. Anderson first. What do you think?”
Abby clasped her hands. “I don’t know what the right thing to do is. If it can lead to answers, and the police have the ability to maybe see things that we’d overlook, it could be good. Yet, if we can figure out more about the tunnel first, they might take us more seriously. The tunnel itself isn’t illegal, but maybe its purposes were.”
Ben snapped his fingers. “Yes! What if it was a shady way to transport things in and out of the barn, without being noticed?”
Abby scrunched up her nose. “Like what?”
“I’m not sure, but Mr. Anderson certainly knows. I say we go back and have another talk with him,” he suggested.
Abby shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. He wasn’t happy. I don’t want to end up in trouble.”
“I get what you’re saying, but the fact that he wasn’t happy is exactly why I’m going to press for more information. He knows something, and I’m going to find out what.”
Abby wanted to back him up, but it didn’t feel right. Her belly buckled. “I think I have to sit that one out. I don’t want there to be ill will. He may know something, but what if it’s not bad or whatever it is that you’re thinking? What if there’s a simple answer, and we push too hard?”
“Maybe I’m getting carried away.” Ben sighed.
“Besides, I’ve already pulled you away from work long enough.”
Ben looked across the table. “About that…”
She cocked her head to the side. “What?”
He flinched, then hesitated. “I’ve got a little bit of extra time off. I don’t mind helping.”
“The way you said that…” she asked. “What’s going on?”
“I may have been put on suspension,” he answered bashfully, hating to admit the truth.
Abby’s eyes flew open wide. “You were suspended? Why?”
“I went into a dangerous structure fire without waiting for back up. It was for the good of the woman inside, but not for our team. It causes problems when we don’t work together,” he admitted.
“Okay, let me understand this. You went into a fire to help somebody, but got in trouble? That doesn’t make sense.”
“There’s an expression in my line of work. It goes ‘we save lives, not trade lives,’ and what it means is that there are safety precautions in place to keep everyone safe. What I did could have put the rest of my team in jeopardy. From one side it sounds heroic, but from the working side it was dangerous and stupid.”
“Oh.”
“The good news is that I saved the woman. The bad news is that I was reprimanded for my careless actions. I get it, I do. I was at fault, but it doesn’t feel so great to admit that I’m suspended. It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“That’s a stiff penalty,” she said.
“It’s not the first time.” He looked away. “I’ve got a pattern that’s caused some issues. I knew better than to make that choice
but took the risk anyway.”
“It wasn’t the first time? Why did you do it then?” she asked.
He mumbled. “I don’t know what gets into me sometimes. Adrenaline, maybe? It’s foolish, but in a job like mine, you need to reel it in and stay under control for the safety of the entire crew.”
“I see.”
“Do you think less of me?” he asked, almost not wanting to know.
“Not one bit. I think you’re overly anxious to help. Though for the safety of the others, it sounds like you need to put your brakes on before making too quick of a decision.”
Ben reached across the table for Abby’s hand. She questioned the look in his eyes, then offered her hand.
“I like you, Abby. In fact, I like you a lot. I’m hoping that we can spend more time together.”
She glanced away for a moment. “I’d like that, but I need to be honest. I’m not very good with intimacy and letting people in. I tend to have rather thick walls around me, even when I don’t want there to be.”
“Why don’t we take it one day at a time and get to know each other? There’s no pressure, we won’t make promises, and it will be no strings attached for now if it makes you more comfortable, but I’d really like to see you again.”
Her cheeks heated over. “That sounds just my speed.”
When their food arrived, they centered the talk on small talk and casual details. Ben noticed Abby’s shoulders relaxed and weren’t as tensed or hunched up as the meal went on. He was glad she’d let go of her stress and concerns.
During the meal, in between bites, she slipped a few snippets of food down to Shadow. Once finished, Abby took Shadow to a grassy area by the side of the parking lot to give him a moment.
They climbed back into Ben’s truck and drove toward the Anderson property so that she could pick up her car. After everything that had gone on, she was ready to head home. With plans to talk the following day, they parted ways.
Ben waited for Abby to leave. When her vehicle was out of view, he slipped out of his truck and went in search of Mr. Anderson. There was more to say, and more to learn. He hoped to find him back at the barn.
