by Dan Meredith
Visit art galleries and museums
Read history books and texts
Devour autobiographies and biographies of people I admire who exhibit the character traits I value
Take classes on anything that takes my fancy (I recently signed up for a stand-up comedy class. What?)
Keep up to date on current affairs
Study finance, the markets and business in general
Hang out with old folks who have done stuff with their lives
Go to watch opera, plays and dramas
Study philosophy and some of the great thinkers of our time and past times
Travel to fucking weird places where I can’t speak the language and hang out with the locals
Watch documentaries on some of the weirdest subjects you can imagine
This list probably comes as a surprise if you know me in real life or have interacted with me on social media.
I am by no means a culture vulture. Equally, throwing in some dumb, crazy, dangerous or plain weird shit is great too. I have a pretty decent online community, and they love it when I do daft things to share with them. Some of the highlights have been:
Being mischievous at the Playboy mansion and posing in the grotto
Hiring a limo and a lady driver for the day to take me sightseeing around LA
Going to a ‘challenge’ food restaurant and filming the results
Watching classical music in the natural history museum dressed as a dinosaur
Holding a mastermind on a boat with everyone dressed as pirates and drinking rum
Being cycled around San Diego by a tiny woman (with my meaty friend) at 2am singing ‘Build Me Up, Buttercup’
Waterboarding… myself.
You see, since I’ve dropped that cool mask and embraced everything this rather nuts planet has to offer, not only do I feel I am a more rounded individual, but I have a lot more to offer in conversations. I can come up with some really creative copy and stories, and people tell me I’m not just fun to be around, but actually interesting.
I have a lot of fun too. The odd bit of trouble, but nothing I can’t get out of. Oh, and a fair bit of mischief, ha!
Weird that, eh?
In fact, when it comes to meeting people (and boy, do I have a beast of a method to connect with people and build rapport fast), one of my favourite things to do is judge them on sight. From what they wear, to what they write, to how they carry themselves, to what they believe in – judge, judge, judge!
Then, I take that judgment and totally put it to one side. Because I absolutely love being proven completely wrong.
There is nothing better than meeting someone who comes across as a quiet, shy and introverted person, but actually turns out to be a super successful business person, or a meathead strongman who is completing his PHD. Or an enhanced stripper who is a published author, artist and public speaker. (All three are, in fact, friends of mine – if you are reading, you know who you are, ha!)
So by going from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset, I have made more friends, more money, had more success, am happier and feel I am a better person. So, maybe give that a spin yourself.
Right, I promised you a few tips on how to connect with people and build rapport. Firstly, I am going to go back to a lesson my dad taught me when I was in the car with him during his sales calls:
‘Son, you have two ears and one mouth for a reason’.
Like a lot of the advice I give, this may seem overly simple, but how many of you actually follow it? In fact, it is the easiest way to be seen as interesting by other people – take an interest in them!
Another great quote, which directly applies to this and how I build genuine rapport and connection so fast, is:
‘If you want to be interesting, be interested’.
Now, you can’t fake this. You have to – as I do – have a genuine interest in other people, their stories and what makes them tick. Most people in a conversation, whether that be verbal or written, are simply waiting for either the next chance to speak or to hammer home their point/thoughts/ideas.
Not. Ideal.
So, how do you (and I hate myself for using this word as it’s soooo overused) ‘hack’ this communications conundrum?
Simple. Like really fucking simple.
Firstly, listen more than you speak. I can’t make that any fancier. Let people talk more than you talk to them. I could explain why, but you don’t need to know. You just need to do.
Secondly, if you are meeting someone for the first time – again, doesn’t matter if it’s in person or online – near the start of the conversation, a variation of the below I find works like stink:
‘So, how do you spend your time?’
Huh? Is that it?
Yep.
OK, I have been using this for a long time. Normally the standard question when meeting someone for the first time is ‘What do you do?’ which means the only subject you have to kick things off is work.
However, with the question I showed you, depending on the response you can immediately tailor the conversation to what the other person is interested in. What really lights their fire? And as you know, people love talking about themselves. So why not be a smart arse and use this to your advantage?
Let me explain. If they start talking about work, you kick things off with work chats. Spending time with family? Ask them how they like being a parent, how old their kids are, how long they have been with a partner. They like tearing the arse out of a weekend and going on a three-day bender? Well, find out where they go, what they like to do and what’s the most fun night they have had while arse-tearing, as it were.
Another great tip: let’s say someone is really interested in model car making and racing. This actually happened to me in my headhunting days with a very senior director, but I had no idea about, or the slightest bit of interest in, this topic.
Remember earlier I said I enjoyed getting to know what makes people tick? This is a really good practice to adopt.
Instead of trying to fake it – and as he was a massive fan, he would have spotted my bullshit a mile off – I simply said, ‘I used to have one of those when I was a kid. I had no idea people raced them. Tell me, how did you get into it? Where did you start?’
At the beginning of the call he had told me he had a meeting to go to in five minutes; he ended up speaking for almost an hour. I simply shut the fuck up, was genuinely interested in his passion, and let him talk.
From then on I was his favourite recruiter. In fact, the account was worth around half a million to the firm I worked for at the time, and a fair chunk of commission came to me. Goes to show, it’s not all about you. And I am all for being an interesting, gregarious and entertaining person, but pipe down, ask questions about the other person, and actually listen. You will be amazed at the benefits to you.
In fact, the feeling of importance and being listened to is so profound that Dale Carnegie even mentions it in his book How To Win Friends and Influence People. (If you don’t have it, buy it!).
People like to feel important, and you being genuinely interested in their shit gives them that feeling.
Books. Pretty much every successful person I meet nowadays is well read, and from – as you may have guessed – a variety of sources.
If you like audiobooks, good for you, but I tend to find I am doing other stuff when I’m listening to them. So I prefer actual books, made out of paper.
I have around 700ish at the moment, and I know a fair few of my friends have the same obsession, but I end up feeling guilty that I haven’t read them.
In my opinion, if you get even one good idea or big takeaway from a book, it has served its purpose. You don’t have to read it cover to cover. You can read the chapters that are relevant to you at this moment in time. Or even just the summaries. Sometimes the title of the book gives you all you need.
Now one thing I want you to get over is treating books like they are precious sweet little nothings. Don’t be afraid to mark
or highlight them. The knowledge is sure, but I was taught a system that works really well. And I’m going to give it to you.
Have a notepad (I have a big leather bastard which I call ‘The Tome’ where everything gets written), some Post-it notes, some sticky page tabs, a retractable pencil and a highlighter.
See a passage that’s important? Highlight the fucker.
Had a great idea after reading something? Whack a Post-it note on it with your idea.
Need to make some notes on what you’ve read? Get that pencil out and write in the margins.
Stick a tab on each page where you have done something, then once you have finished, take your ideas, notes, scribbles and thoughts and write them up in your Tome. What you get is a fucking awesome highlights reel of everything you have learned. And if you are ever stuck for ideas, get your Tome out and get inspired.
Smart, eh?
Stories. The final part of this chapter is about the concept of storytelling. Whether it be a short anecdote or a long and winding tale, getting good at telling stories is something I would advise you to do.
Ever since we lived in caves we have passed on information through stories. It’s hard-wired into our DNA to learn from stories. If you are not a natural storyteller, don’t worry – it’s not a problem. There are lots of books and resources to help you spin a better yarn.
Something I’m doing is getting trained in stand-up comedy and comedy writing. Why? Well, making people laugh is one of the hardest things you can do. So, if you can make people laugh with what you say and write, you’re on to a winner.
So in closing, to learn how to be interesting, be interested in others. End of.
BE INTERESTING TO DO/ACTION STEPS
If you’re meeting someone for the first time. Near the start of the conversation, ask them, ‘How do you spend your time?’ Simple. People love to talk about themselves. Asking this question will lead them to talk about what they love.
My system for taking relevant and useable notes from books. I don’t want you to be afraid of marking your books. Have a notepad at the ready, some Post-it notes, sticky page tabs, pencil and highlighter. If you see something that’s important, highlight the fucker and whack a Post-it note on with your idea. Take your ideas and add them to your master notebook – your ‘Tome’.
Learn the art of storytelling. You need to get good at telling stories and it’s something I advise you do. If you can make people laugh with what you say and write, you’re on to a winner. And everyone has a story, so don’t tell me you don’t. Your life is your story.
7
BE SPITEFUL
(PROVE ’EM WRONG)
Don’t worry about the haters…They are just angry because the truth you speak contradicts the lie they live.
DR STEVE MARABOLI
No, this chapter isn’t about revenge, bitterness and other evil things like that. It’s about empowering you. Because, to be frank, people are fuckwits, and they will criticise what you do, say or are. In fact, the more successful and awesome you become, the more haters you attract.
But this chapter will show why that’s OK. It’s OK to be hated, ’cause that’s when you know what you are doing is making the haters uncomfortable. It highlights to them their mediocre life, health and relationships.
So you have to be smart and use this to improve yourself. Show ’em what you’re capable of. There’s no better motivation than a will to show someone who thought you were scum that actually you’re an awesome fucking successful machine. And hot as balls (if that gets you going).
Let’s take a little trip down memory lane…
A teenage boy’s mind, when the hormones kick in, tends to go from ‘girls are rubbish’ to ‘girls are awesome’. (Or boys, or whatever you are into. Essentially I am guessing it’s all the same.).
Anyway, I remember camping in a friend’s back garden (yeah, we were that cool – we even used the microwave in the house) with, among others, a young lady I’d had my eye on for a while. In fact, I had quite the crush.
Just imagine. Little ole Dan, all smitten!
OK, bad imagery, sorry.
Anyway, although in my teens, I was hardly what you would call blessed in the looks department, with some amazingly afro-esque hair, double train track braces, and drought and famine resistant – aka, fat (thank you, Homer Simpson, for that analogy). But we had got on quite well during the course of the evening, and I actually thought I was in with a chance.
The boys were in one tent, and the girls were in the other. We were chatting nonsense, and even though we had settled down for the night, I had consumed some cider and really needed to pee. I got out of the tent, and just as I walked past the girls’ tent, I heard my name.
I was tempted to listen in. So I did.
I remember it as clearly as if it was yesterday.
‘I would definitely go out with Dan, he’s lovely. It’s just a shame he is so fat.’
Ha! Looking back, with all those hormones racing through me, I can almost hear my little heart audibly breaking. Bless!
So, apart from going to bed with my dreams in tatters, I lay there thinking, I’ll show you. The next day I copied what my parents did and started the day with coffee – that’s it. I threw my lunch away, only ate dinner and then ran six miles every day over the hilly coastline in the West Country where I come from.
Yes, I know now that is perhaps the worst possible way to lose weight – that’s not for discussion here – but in four or five months I’d dropped from around 15 stone to just under 10 stone. Bearing in mind I am, give or take, 6ft tall, I looked like I was made of wire hangers and elastic bands.
Sexy, eh?
But although I looked quite ill, I had dropped all of the fat that had turned the young lady off (as well as pretty much any muscle). I never did go out with her; the whole experience really put me off her. I saw her a few years ago and time hasn’t been kind…ha! Sorry, that was a proper bitchy moment.
This was the first, but very much not the last, time I have harnessed the power of spite to not only achieve, but smash my goals into pieces. It may sound like a really negative emotion to harbour, and if you do it the wrong way, it can make you a bitter and twisted fuck, but if you are going to do your own thing – whether that be with your business, your life, your relationships or whatever area you are trying to improve – some people are going to piss on your parade. It’s going to happen, so expect it. And if it hasn’t happened yet – oh, it’s coming.
I don’t know what it is with some people, but they just want to keep you down at their level and don’t want you to succeed in your endeavours. I have heard people say this is because when you achieve success, it’s a reflection of what they haven’t achieved.
I agree with that to a degree.
Equally, I think some people are dicks.
A great analogy I heard was that some people want to tear down your castle so it’s no bigger than theirs or anyone else’s, while other people want to build the highest castle in the land to inspire others to do the same. I may have utterly fucked that up, and I Googled it for ages, but fuck it – you get the drift.
Some people don’t want you to succeed for whatever reason. It’s sad, but they don’t want you to grow and will do all manner of things to sabotage you.
Why? Because it makes them feel safe. You making a go of your life actually puts their shitty life on show. Which is fucking scary as hell to them. So they try to keep you at or below their level.
If it’s business, they will tell you that your product/service won’t work, you don’t have the talent for it, no one wants it or simply badmouth you.
If it’s your health or fitness, they will tempt you with junk food, encourage you to go drinking, tell you that you will always be fat/skinny/unfit/weak.
If it’s relationships, you could hear things like ‘You will never get anyone better’; ‘You don’t deserve that person’; ‘You would be a crap mum/dad’.
Bastards, eh?
; And, because I am really enjoying the F-bombs in this one – it’s quite an emotionally charged topic for me – to those people I say, ‘Fuck. You.’.
And you must do the same.
Take note, though, sometimes what they are saying may have a grain of truth in it. In my case, when I was a kid, I was – well, fat! You don’t have to take on board anyone’s opinion. It’s your life, and what you choose to do with your life is up to you. But, as always, keep your antennae up for the tiny truth you may need to hear from time to time. Then, you take that truth and prove the haters wrong.
I’ll tell you now, there is no greater feeling than proving someone wrong, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it, which I’ll outline shortly.
These are some of the things I have been told I would never be able to do, followed by what I achieved in spite of the naysayers:
‘You will never be big or strong.’ I got up to 17 stone of mainly muscle, could squat and deadlift 240kg+, and had 32inch thighs of doom!
‘You will never be successful.’ I made it to the six-figure mark in three different industries, am on target for a seven-figure year (may already have done so by the time you read this, fingers crossed!), have multiple offline and online businesses, and it keeps growing.
‘You will never have a good looking woman in your life.’ (Yep, I told you I had some bastards in my past). Well, I’ve dated a world class dancer, models, a few actresses and women who, to all intents and purposes, are waaaay out of my league. Oh, and they were cool as fuck and funny as balls too. Not all about looks, you vain bugger, ha!
So a lot of the successes in my life have been born out of people telling me that I can’t do something. Hence I love spite, but I am very careful never to rub it in anyone’s face. I simply let my actions do the talking.
