by Guerin Zand
“Sir. The prisoner as ordered.” The male MP addressed this man as he would any civilian. No jumping to attention or salutes from either of the guards.
“You can remove the restraints.”
“Sir?” the MP cutie asked?
“Remove his restraints and leave us.”
I blew the cutie a kiss. They could keep torturing me, but I would always be an asshole.
The MPs did as ordered and left the room with me standing in my Sunday’s best and my shackles removed.
“Have a seat Guerin. I’m sure you have plenty of questions for me. Can I get you anything?”
“You wouldn’t happen to have any whiskey, would you?”
He reached into a desk drawer, removed to whiskey glasses, a bottle of Pappy’s 23-year-old, and poured us both a glass.
“My name is Roger. Here.” He said as he handed me the glass of whiskey.
I took a good sip and savored the flavor and effect for a few seconds. I put my glass down, jumped up, pointed my finger at Roger and yelled, “YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU STOLE MY WHISKEY!”
The door burst open and both MPs entered with their weapons drawn and aimed at my head.
“We’re fine. Go wait outside.”
“Sir,” and the two holstered their sidearms, left and closed the door.
I sat back down as Roger started to say, “A pallet of 23-year-old Pappy’s, found in your utility room, along with several military-grade firearms and a healthy stash of primo grade ganja. Would you care to explain to me where an out of work software engineer gets a pallet of this when a single bottle can cost $5000 or more?”
“A gift.”
“I need friends like yours. That whiskey is worth almost a half million dollars. Did you declare it on your taxes?”
“I just got it this year so it’s not on last year’s return. I didn’t think we had to declare free whiskey as income.”
“I’m not sure either. You should probably consult a tax attorney to be sure. You don’t want to cross those assholes.”
We both chuckled a bit and I took another sip of my drink.
“Does this mean you’re going to return my whiskey?”
“Maybe we’ll discuss that later.”
“So, you don’t look that bad for what you’ve been through. Probably could use a shower. I’ve smelled some pretty ripe fellas in the past but you’re a little past ripe.”
“It’s an acquired taste.” I didn’t notice any smell and the waterboarding sessions counted as a shower, didn’t they?
“I’m sure it is. After your drink, the MPs will escort you down to the showers where you can get cleaned up. The MPs have already picked up some fatigues for you to change into and you’ll find a razor if you want to get the scruff off your face. You got a real ‘Jihad Johhny’ look going on there.”
“I’m good.”
“No really, I’m not asking. You may like this smell but I can barely stomach this fine whiskey with your stench in the room. We may even have to switch offices after you get cleaned up.”
“So, what’s your deal? You don’t look half as stupid as the other assholes I’ve been dealing with.”
“I’ll assume that was a compliment?”
“Whatever.”
“I’m not with any of the typical groups you would be aware of.”
“A spook’s spook?”
“More of an actual intelligence agency. One that actually thinks.”
“There is such a thing?” I asked, and with that, I finished my drink.
He smiled and called for the MPs.
“Escort Mr. Zand to the showers and make sure he has whatever he needs. Once he’s cleaned up, bring him back here. And can we get these windows open and air out this room?”
“Yes, sir.”
“You heard the man, sweetie. Whatever I need. I hope you’re rested up.” I winked at the cute little MP and blew her another kiss. She forced her elbow deep into my gut and when I looked up she gave me an evil smile. I think she liked me.
About half an hour later, I was done with my shave and shower and the MPs led me back to the office. The door was open and we entered.
“You look, and smell, much better Mr. Zand.”
“Did you tell this little cutie to keep her eyes on me the whole time or am I right and she really digs me?”
“You’d have to ask her.”
“If you don’t need us, sir, we’ll wait outside,” the little cutie said in a rather harsh tone. I think she was blushing.
“That will be fine.”
“I hope you haven’t been giving her too hard of a time?”
“Not nearly as hard as I would have liked.”
He smiled and poured us both another drink.
“It’s good to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”
“Most people just say I’m an asshole and you can’t really lose that.”
“According to our records your name is Guerin Zand and you’re in your 50’s. Can you tell me why the man in front of me appears to be in his early 30’s at the most?”
“You got the wrong guy?”
“I don’t think so. Your prints match. You have a little bit of an arrest record, so we checked, and it’s you. Unless you, and the real Mr. Zand, have the same fingerprints. That has never been seen before.”
“Well, some people do find me special.”
“You can count me as one of those people, Guerin. Mind if I call you Guerin?”
“Whatever.”
Roger continued talking as he referenced the reports in front of him. “You are Guerin Zand but somehow you appear half your actual age. You had a couple of broken ribs, and a broken nose when you were brought here and both were as good as new in just a couple of days. You endured, let’s see what did you call them, oh that’s right, daily workouts for the past three and a half months and every morning you were refreshed and as healthy as the day before. We looked up your medical records and all your known conditions are mysteriously gone. Your blood work shows some anomalies and the DNA analysis shows you have the telomeres of a newborn. Now the other idiots couldn’t see what was in front of them, but they’re not me. You do have friends Guerin. Special friends.”
I just shrugged my shoulders.
“The team that breached your home was there on an anonymous tip. When they searched the house, they found these.” He laid out on the table my earbud, digital watch and the alien battery that I was using to charge my gadgets when I was on the alien spaceship. It was no bigger than a D-cell and the guys had rigged it up to a USB charger for me. I hadn’t packed that in my bag. In fact, I had left that in my room on the main ship.
“This one,” he pointed to the battery, “was giving off a small radioactive signature, nothing dangerous, which led them to believe it was a container for nuclear material. The problem is, no one could figure out how to open it. That’s when my team got involved. The materials used in all of these items are unknown and defy testing. We’ve tried lasers, drills, extreme force, acids, you name it and not even a scratch. Would you mind telling me where you got these?”
“Same place I got the whiskey.”
“I thought you might say that. The same friends?”
“Yes.”
“Can I meet these friends?”
“No.”
“That’s it? Just no?”
“You can talk to me, but not them. Those be the rules.”
“Well, I’m not sure that’s going to be good enough.”
“Then I guess we’re done here. Thanks for the drinks.”
“Really Guerin? You just want to go back to your cell?”
“It’s not a bad cell.”
“I’m trying to understand you but you’re not making any sense. I know these aren’t from Earth and neither are your friends. That also explains your physical health.”
“Then you probably also know it wouldn’t be that hard for me to jump across this table and snap your little neck before you could get your gun out
of that drawer and before those two MPs could get in here.”
“Do you really want to test that, Guerin.”
“If that’s my only option.”
“Are we negotiating here, Guerin?”
“Are you planning on making me some sort of offer?”
“An offer for what? You said I can’t talk to your friends and I already have the devices.”
“You don’t have shit, except my whiskey, and I am more than a little pissed about that. Those devices won’t be in your possession for long unless my friends want them to be.”
“Then explain to me what’s going on here. I’m pretty sure that tip came from one of your friends.”
“If I’m right, I wouldn’t call her my friend. She’s more the ultimate bitch if you ask me. And as for what’s going on here, well that’s way above your pay grade.”
“You’d be surprised. Not much in this world is beyond my pay grade.”
“Then prove it.”
“How.”
“Arrange my release and have all charges dropped. Fix my house back to the way it was before the goon squad visited me, return all of my possessions, and return my whiskey. Maybe then we can have a talk.”
“That’s all? You don’t really want much, do you?”
“Not really. I’m not asking for anything that I didn’t have before you assholes abducted me.”
“What makes you think you’re in a position to make such a request?”
“I’m here, and I can stay here longer than this place will be open or longer than you’ll live. How long can you wait?”
“We could kill you and use what’s left for medical research, or we could get a little more invasive with our interrogations.”
“And that would be your biggest mistake. If my friends would allow that to happen, or not, it wouldn’t matter. In either case, you’d never get what you think you want.”
“Very well. We’ll consider your request. In the meantime, I’m sorry to say, you’ll remain here. We’ll try to make your stay a little more pleasant than it has been in the past.”
“Does that mean I get to keep the cutie?”
“Ha, ha, ha, Mr. Zand. I think we’re going to be good friends. I like your attitude.”
“You’d be the first.”
Roger called the MPs back in to escort me back to my cell. On the walk back I struck up a conversation with the cutie, I still didn’t know her name.
“Did you hear that sweetie. I get to keep you. How do you feel about that?”
Next thing I knew my face was in the dirt.
I looked up with a big old smile and said, “Are you flirting with me, honey?” And the bottom of her boot met my cheek. She liked me.
Chapter 2
Team Selection
After getting back to my feet we continued to my old cell block and this time I was taken to a different cell. It had more room, a small desk/table, a flat screen TV, window, and a more comfortable bed. MP cutie gave me a good push into the cell and closed the door behind me. This cell had the standard bars in front and not just a solid door like my last digs.
“Thanks for the upgrade,” I yelled out as MP cutie headed away.
After a few hours, the male MP returned with a sandwich and fruit plate for lunch and I enjoyed eating my meal, unshackled, and sitting at a table for a change. When dinner time rolled around, I could tell the time of day now that I had a window and open-air cell door, I was surprised by a plate of very tasty pot roast, a small salad and a piece of chocolate cake. It appeared I was getting food from the actual base mess now, which was a big improvement, trust me. When MP cutie came back for the tray, she brought with her a glass of whiskey, my whiskey, for a nightcap.
“Are you going to join me for drinks sweet cheeks?”
MP cutie just walked away without a word.
“Oh, come on. At least tell me your name.”
Still no response.
I sat back on my bed and started to watch some TV while I enjoyed my whiskey. There was a new sci-fi/comedy on the FOX network which was really pretty entertaining. I finished my drink and was starting to think about getting some sleep and then Milly appeared in my cell. She had used a transit portal so the guards were unaware of her presence. The guards weren’t constantly watching me as before and had retired to a guard office I presumed.
“Let’s go, Guerin. I need to get you out of here. You look like shit.”
“Really? After almost four months of daily torture and now that I’m starting to enjoy myself you seem to think it’s urgent to get me out of here? Is the fact that I have a cute MP to flirt with the reason my leaving is so urgent all of a sudden?”
“I just found out about this, Guerin. I came as soon as I could get Julie and the Council’s permission to come.”
“Fuck Julie. I’m going to put my boot so far up her ass the next time I see her. You know this is all her doing.”
“I know it is, but you have to stop this little war with her. I won’t let you hurt her, so you better get over it.”
“Get over it? Fuck that, Milly. She’s a dead woman!”
“No. You’re not going to do anything. She’s my mother, Guerin.”
“Duh! I know that, Milly. Why do you always think I’m so stupid? Like I couldn’t figure that out?”
“How did you find out? Only a few people know that, and they would never tell.”
“Well for starters, Milly, I had a mother once, and I’ve actually dated women who had mothers. I know how they act regarding their daughters. I guessed it was the case from some of the little talks me and Julie had, although the night she tried to seduce me sort of threw me off a bit. When we bonded, I did a little looking around inside at your feelings for Julie. What did you think I was doing in there, looking for information on your ex-lovers?”
“Then you know…”
“Yes, I know who your father is as well. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”
“Then let’s go. We need to…”
“Just calm down, Milly. I know this is your first big jailbreak, and you’re all excited about it, but just shut up, come over here and give your man a kiss, you dumb little alien.”
Milly leaned over and kissed me lightly.
“What was that? Am I your brother? That’s how you kiss your man after all that I’ve been through?”
“You’ve obviously been here too long, Guerin. Listen to yourself. We have to get you out of here. We don’t have time for your silliness.”
“We have plenty of time, Milly. We could probably get in a quickie if you’re up for it. I could really use the relief.”
“A quickie? Here? You’re talking nonsense, Guerin. You think this is romantic?”
“It could be?”
“You’re still an asshole.”
“But I’m your asshole baby.” And I gave her my now famous bad boy grin.
“We have to…”
“Calm down, Milly. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got a plan.”
“You have a plan? Is it anything like any of your other stupid little plans?”
“Damn it, Milly. For once can you just have a little faith in me? I know what I’m doing. Yes, Julie fucked me again, but she also did what she said she would. I have an opportunity here and I need to take full advantage of it, but I need your help.”
Milly rolled her eyes at me and said, “Ok. Let’s hear it. What do you need me to do?”
“Well you know they have my earbud, digital watch, and that battery, so I need you to get them and bring them back to me here. Tonight, if you can. Also, I need all the information you can download to me about the two guards and this man called Roger. In two days come back and I’ll leave with you. Can you do that?”
“Sure, but I don’t see what good that’s going to do.”
“Just trust me. I got this all figured out.”
“You know you sound crazier than ever, don’t you? Are you sure those electrodes they shoved up your backside didn’t push you ov
er the edge?”
“Very funny, Milly. I’m sure all you alien pervs are enjoying the fact that I was finally anally violated.”
“Oh yes. It’s the talk of the Collective. Some of your best videos according to some. We always get our man in the end you know.”
“Are you done?”
“You get it, ‘in the end’?”
“Oh, yea. I get it, Milly. Very funny. Ha, ha.”
“I’m sorry. I guess a bit of the asshole in you is rubbing off on me.”
We both laughed and I pulled her in close to me. I gave her a proper kiss. One that let her know just how much I needed her.
“Now go, do what I asked, and trust me. I think you’ll be surprised what this little monkey has planned.”
And Milly left through the portal. She returned in less than half an hour, the TV was a big help with telling time.
“Here you go, Guerin. I got what you wanted and I brought you a bottle of Pappy’s as well. Don’t say I never did anything for you.”
“I would never say that, Milly, and thanks. I should have known my little alien hottie would do something special for me. Now go back to the ship and in two days come and get me, ok?” As I slipped on the digital watch I looked at Milly so she would know what it meant to me. It was her first gift to me after I was abducted, and I never took it off.
“Ok. I hope you know what you’re doing.”
After Milly left I poured myself a drink and I sat back and enjoyed the whiskey. I figured things were going to start getting interesting and this might be the last chance I had to just relax.
After finishing my drink, I walked up to the bars of my cell and started screaming at the top of my lungs, “GUARDS! GUARDS! I NEED HELP! HELP!”.
I continued screaming and making as much noise as I could until MP cutie finally showed up.
“What is it?”
I went over to the table and grabbed the earbud and battery and handed them to her. I poured myself another drink and she asked, “Where the hell did you get that bottle of whiskey and what are these things?”
