by Guerin Zand
“That’s because it is. Sly is a really good guy. He likes his Gluark and his wife gets all pissy when he does just that. Just like any human wife. But he’s a pretty good drinking buddy and Stella can be nice when she tries. I think you’ll like Bart and Gladys as well. They’ll be rotating in and out with Sly and Stella so hopefully, you’ll get a chance to meet them.”
“Will we be coming to the shuttle often?”
“I don’t think so but who’s to say. We’ll do what we have to.”
“That’s not really in the plan, Guerin, and you know that. Even this visit wasn’t officially sanctioned. Did you forget about the limited contact rule?”
“Listen, Stella. Milly sort of blew that out of the water with her little visit to Earth. I didn’t say anything to Roger or his team about any of you before that. I think it was Milly’s last jab at the powers that be. Helping me one last time to break the rules. Besides, what are they going to do to me, Stella?”
Luckily Sammy and Steve returned, and just a few moments later Katie and Sly joined us as well.
“So, let’s see your new body, Katie.”
“In your dreams, Guerin.”
“Oh, come on. You know you want to show it off. Just like any women after they get a new set of breasts. You can’t help showing everyone. Don’t you want me to give them a quick feel and tell you they’re great?”
“Why don’t you just try that, Guerin? I’ll give Sly something of yours to fix!”
“I guess a thank you blowjob is out of the question then?”
That was it. Katie lunged at me, but I pushed her back. Stella got between us. “Really, Guerin, do you have to be such an asshole?”
“It’s what I do, Stella. You know that. I’m sorry, Katie.” And I blew her a kiss.
“ARGGGGGHHH!”
“Don’t let him bother you, dear. He just likes pushing peoples’ buttons. Don’t give him the satisfaction of reacting.” Stella shook her head at me.
“If everybody is ready to try out their new implants we should all head out to the cafeteria and get some lunch. Start thinking what you want. Remember that it sounds easier than it actually is. When you can choose anything, it’s hard to pick one specific thing.”
We all headed to the cafeteria and Sammy, Stella, and Sly joined us. When we got there, I grabbed a tray.
“Ok. All the tech on this shuttle uses these palm readers you see here. You just have to think what you want to eat and place your hand on the reader like this.” I demonstrated for everyone. The replicator signaled it was done and I opened it up and my cheeseburger and fries were waiting for me.
“Neat!”
“Well then, Steve, give it a try.”
Steve placed his hand on the reader and a few seconds later he opened the replicator and pulled out a giant sub sandwich with a pickle on the side and potato chips.
“The beverage dispenser works the same way.” Again, I demonstrated for all of them. I grabbed a tall glass and put it under the spout of the beverage dispenser. I placed my hand on the reader and ice cubes were dispensed and then the glass was filled with iced tea.
Katie went next. She ordered up what looked like a cob salad. Roger opted for steak and fries. The shuttle crew ordered up whatever they normally liked. I wasn’t sure what it was on their plates and I learned a long time ago it was better not to ask. We all took a seat at one of the tables and began to enjoy our meals.
“Seriously, Katie? You could have whatever you want, and you chose a salad?”
“What’s wrong with that. I like salad.”
“You just might be an alien then. You know they’re all vegans too?”
“There’s meat on my salad. I’m not a vegan.”
“Actually, that’s not really meat. It’s just the same vegetable base that they use to make all of this. The replicators just form it, flavor it and texture it to resemble the real thing. It’s like Soylent Green.”
“Huh?”
“Never mind. It’s bad enough the aliens don’t understand me, but you too, Katie? Is she really an alien spy, Stella?”
“Of course not, Guerin.”
Steve shouted out while holding his throat to act as if he was dying, “Soylent Green is people!!!”
“Thank you, Steve. It’s nice to have another intelligent person to talk to.”
Steve took the time to explain the whole Soylent Green joke to everyone at the table. I had given up trying to explain the universe to all the supposedly uber-intelligent aliens. We all finished our lunches and a few of us went back to refill our drinks.
“How are you doing, Guerin?”
“I’m fine, Stella. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“But I do worry about you. Normally you would have blown up over what happened. Maybe it would be best if you didn’t hold it in.”
“What do you want, Stella? Do you want me to show you how pissed off I really am? Maybe I don’t want to give those assholes on the Council the satisfaction. They’ll pay for what they did, I promise you that. Old Guerin Zand is going to have so much fun that even God will take notice.”
“You’re threatening the Council now? How has that attitude been working out for you so far?”
“Just as I planned, Stella. You didn’t believe my bullshit when I said the Empress would exile me, but here I am, aren’t I?”
“Perhaps we should take a walk and we can have a private talk, Guerin?”
“See, guys. I think Stella must be the committee’s resident Earth monkey psychologist or something. She likes to take me aside for these little talks of hers to try and calm me down and fix all my anger issues. It really doesn’t work, you know that, Stella? I just play along because you seem to enjoy it and I like you.”
“Well thank you, Guerin. That’s very considerate of you. So, you wouldn’t mind playing along now, would you? I really need to feel useful.” Stella stood up and reached out her hand for me to take. I guess I had nothing better planned, so I took her hand and started to walk off with her towards the crew quarters. She led me to her and Sly’s quarters and gestured me in.
“Please have a seat, Guerin.” I sat down. “I know Milly’s leaving has been tough on you but I’m worried that you’re just keeping it bottled up inside. You know this wasn’t what Milly wanted, don’t you?”
“I’m not stupid, Stella, and I wish you and the rest of the universe would figure that out at some point. I know exactly what’s happening and why.”
“Then maybe you’d like to explain it to me.”
“Another one of your tests, Stella?”
“No, I just want you to explain to me what you think happened.”
“Julie got pissed at me. She doesn’t like my attitude and Gitmo was my punishment for that. It wasn’t punishment for The Little Trogan Incident. She also wanted me to end my relationship with Milly when we were on Earth, and I refused. So she used the whole Gitmo thing to upset Milly and force this issue to the Council. She knew the Council would be just as upset with Milly over her relationship with me as they were at Julie’s actions. That’s why Milly should have just left me and not raised the issue with the Council. If she had talked to me first, I would have told her it was just another one of Julie’s tricks. She’s just too blind to Julie’s bullshit to see it. If Milly would have just left it alone, the Council would have never got involved. The fact that she did get the Council involved just proved to the Council that she was too close to me and that is why they took the action they did.”
“You know you sound a little paranoid, Guerin.”
“Like I said before, that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.”
“So now you’re threatening the Council? I just heard you threaten them in the cafeteria and Milly told me you pretty much said the same thing to her right before she left.”
“It’s not a threat, it’s a promise. Those bastards think they can just make a decision like that, one that affects me personally, and they don’t even give me a chance to speak. Pardon me, b
ut fuck them, Stella! I’m tired of arrogant aliens thinking they can treat me with such contempt.”
“But you promised Milly you’d do your job.”
“And I am, Stella. It doesn’t mean I’m not also thinking of a way to get back at the Council for this. They can ignore me for now if they want, but at some point, they’re going to have to face me. I won’t be ignored.”
“Did you ever consider you may be wrong? There are things you don’t know, Guerin. You hardly know Julie and yet you think she’s out to get you in some way?”
“Of course there are things I don’t know, and I may have a few things wrong, but I’m not wrong about what they’re doing.”
“What do you know about Julie and Milly? Do you think Julie would scheme like that to hurt Milly?”
“I know everything about Julie and Milly. Sure, Julie wouldn’t hurt Milly on purpose, but she doesn’t think she’s hurting her. She thinks she’s helping her.”
“You know about Julie and Milly?”
“Yes.”
“Exactly what do you know, Guerin?”
“I know Milly doesn’t want me to talk about it.”
“She told you then?”
“Yes, but as usual, only because she thought I was too stupid to figure it out. I actually knew before she told me.”
“So why do you think the Council and Julie wanted your relationship ended.”
“Because they were afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Of Milly sharing more with me then they wanted me to know. You know how the Bree are. They don’t want others to know too much, especially not me. That’s why Milly broke the supposed no contact rule. That was her giving the Council the middle finger. Her last dig at them, her last attempt to help me and let me know that the rules were bullshit.”
“Just how close were you two?”
“That’s our business. Why do you want to know? Are you going to report this all to the Council?”
“No. I’m not here to spy for them. I’m worried about you. I’m worried about Milly. Are you mad at Milly because of her decision?”
“No. She didn’t have a choice. I’m mad that they made her do it. See, if I had just dumped Milly like Julie wanted, then Milly would have been hurt, but I would have been the bad guy. It would have been easier for Milly to move on, and you know she would never have talked to me again. Making Milly do it hurt Milly even more. They made her hurt me, which was probably the worst part for her. It made me an even worse guy for not doing what Julie asked and sparing Milly that pain. Do me a favor and let her know I’m not mad at her. I don’t blame her. She shouldn’t feel bad about that. Tell her I’ll be ok.”
“I will. But are you ok?”
“Of course not. I’m totally fucked now. What am I supposed to do, find some sweet Earth girl? You know with the changes they made to me I can’t have a normal life. I… I just don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
Stella got up and came over and hugged me. “I’m so sorry this happened, Guerin. You can’t let this ruin your life. You have to move on and continue to live your life.”
“I know, Stella. What do you think I’m doing here? I promised Milly I’d do this and it’s all I have left to give her. I won’t let her down.”
I got up and hugged Stella. She opened the door and we headed back to the cafeteria to meet the others.
“So, did our little talk actually help this time, Guerin?”
“Not at all, Stella, but you really did seem to enjoy it, and that’s what really counts, right?”
When we got back to the cafeteria the crew was all there, I mean everyone. Ricky, Tommy, Cindy, and Jackie had joined the rest and they were all laughing and having a good time.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
Katie looked at me, barely containing her laughter. “The crew were talking about your videos.”
“Ha, ha. Very funny, Katie. You do know that now that you have an implant I can dump your memories as well. You might want to be nice to me if you want me to respect your privacy.”
“Doesn’t that mean I can dump your memories as well, Guerin?”
“No. You don’t have access to the equipment you’d need, Katie. I do. So go ahead and laugh.”
“And what about you, you bunch of slackers? Don’t you have something better to do, like fly the ship?”
“You know we don’t actually have to do anything to fly the ship, right? I mean, it pretty much flies itself once we’ve programmed it.”
“Still a show-off, huh, Cindy?”
“Always. Aren’t you impressed?”
“Shouldn’t you at least be pretending to fly the ship for my sake?”
“Technically, I guess, but since when are you such a stickler for the rules, Guerin? Come on and join us for a drink.”
I don’t know what it was, but I couldn’t help but smile. I grabbed a seat next to Cindy and she poured me a Gluark. She smiled at me. I smiled back, shook my head, and we clinked glasses.
I took a nice long sip of my drink, looked into Cindy’s beautiful eyes and said, “You do know what happened to the last little space hottie who asked me to join her for drinks, don’t you, Cindy? It might not be a very smart career move.”
“Well, I guess I won’t fall in love with you then. I’ll just use you for sex.”
I choked up a bit of my drink while everyone laughed at me. I looked around and Steve was getting friendly with Jackie while Katie appeared to be enjoying the company of both Ricky and Tommy. What was going on here?
“How much have you guys had to drink since I was gone?”
“It’s the second bottle,” Sly announced as he poured another drink for Roger and Stella.
“Well, this ain’t the fucking Love Boat people. This is the S.S. Minnow and as we all know there’s no hooking up on the Minnow.”
Cindy leaned over and kissed me smack dab on the lips. I think the little drunk was going for the tongue when I pulled back.
“Don’t be such a tight ass, Guerin. We’re just having some fun.” Cindy said with a frown. “We were hoping you’d tell us the story about the Little Trogan Incident.”
“It really wasn’t as exciting as some people might have told you.”
Steve looked at me, “But you walked off with two slave girls. It can’t have been too boring. I thought you said you had pictures to share.”
I reached back into my go bag, I never leave Earth without it, and pulled out my iPad. I brought up the photo app and handed it to Steve.
“My GOD! They’re hot! Tell us the truth, Guerin. You didn’t just take them back to the ship and nothing happened.”
Steve handed the iPad to Roger and his eyes opened wide as he shook his head.
“Let me see?” Katie grabbed the iPad from Roger. “Oh shit. I just might have to rethink my sexuality after seeing that. You want us to believe that you owned these two sex slaves and you didn’t touch them? I don’t believe you. Let’s face it, you’re a pig, Guerin, and no pig would walk away from that.”
“I would never hurt Milly like that. Ask Stella.”
“It’s true. He wouldn’t do that to Milly.”
“The person you might want to talk to about the twins is Sammy. He spent more time alone with them than anybody else.”
Everyone looked at Sammy while he ignored them and sipped his drink. Finally, he looked up. “What? I just watched them for Guerin. They were very nice girls.”
Everyone looked around and looked at Sammy. Then the entire group burst out into heavy laughter. Steve raised his glass and shouted out “SAMMY!” and then everyone else joined in “SAMMY!” and they drank to Sammy. Sammy took a sip and just shrugged his shoulder. I wondered exactly what had happened when I left the twins with Sammy. I’d have to remember to ask the girls next time I saw them.
“This Gluark tasted like crap when I had my first drink but now it seems quite pleasant.” Steve took another sip from his glass.
“I think that it actually a
lters, or programs, the taste buds. After the first drink, you seem to acquire a taste for it. Don’t ever take any of this alien shit for granted.” The team was new to all this alien shit and a little too accepting. At least Roger seemed to take my advice and looked very unimpressed.
Katie looked over at me. “Sly said he was going to send down a couple of cases of Gluark for you, Guerin. Do you plan on sharing with the team?”
“You know, Katie, I bring you up here, fix all your physical issues, and when I suggest a little oral copulation might be an appropriate thank you, you try to attack me. Now you want me to share my booze with you? Do I look that stupid?”
“Is that a serious question?” Katie laughed.
“Keep it up, Katie. Trust me, the first shit assignment is all yours.”
“I don’t work for you, Guerin.”
“You do now, Katie. That little implant puts me in control.” After saying that I pushed a thought over to Katie, not a pleasant thought from her viewpoint. This was a little trick Milly had taught me. It was helpful when I was on Trogan. I was able to warn Bart before I slapped the emperor. As I pushed the thought, I gave Katie a big smile so she would be sure to know it came from me.
Katie became irate. She stood up and started toward me and Roger held her back.
“You fucking asshole. What did you do? What are these things in our head?”
“Calm down, Katie. You really should have paid attention to my advice. Why do you let these little alien tricks get to you?”
“You put that disgusting thought in my head, didn’t you?”
Stella looked at me with a stern motherly look. “Guerin?”
“I just pushed a simple thought to Katie. They’re supposed to be learning and not partying with the crew, Stella.”
“You shouldn’t be able to do that. Did Milly teach you that? She shouldn’t have.”
“What? I mean, I’m too stupid to figure anything like that out, right?”
“Guerin?”
“Does everybody think I spent all my time in space drinking and nailing space babes?”
“YES!” It was pretty much a unanimous response. The only two not joining in were Roger and Sammy. I shook my head and took another drink of my Gluark.
