Theenda coolly replied, “no, we didn’t trample through the woods to meet them, deliver heavy supplies, take food and meds, teach them how to use the equipment. No, I am not offended, while they worked and received death threats, we sat comfortably in our homes talking about it.”
Rita attended the wedding, she had helped Theenda, Sara, and Lee’s wife decorate. Lee’s wife was a secretary for the manager at the factory, where the couple worked. Rita got rid of the wig and over Lee breaking up with her, she became herself again. After all, she had her apartment, car, a job, and a male orderly that was interested in her, and Rita him. Still, Rita felt something was missing, she talked to Miss. Lillie about the emptiness in her life. Miss. Lillie said, they are building our houses, pick one.”
Rita replied, “I will on Monday.” She walked away smiling, knowing one day soon she would be back with her friends.
Donovan and Theenda stood in front of the Essence magazine, she said, “that’s my favorite magazine, President Barack Obama.”
“Baby Girl, look at the lives it saved.”
Lillie watched Donovan and Theenda look at the magazine display before she went to them. She said as she pointed at the Essence Magazine, “Mr. Bright and Miss. Enda, that magazine saved our lives, thank you very much.” She smiled before continuing, “I learned how to speak correctly, because of you two. Thank you.”
A tall handsome man that was Lillie’s age, from the city, took her hand and led her onto the dance floor.
Theenda’s eyes followed the couple, she saw Glaidous dancing with a woman fifteen years younger than him, she too was from the city. He was having a good time. Sophie died in Seattle Washington, Glaidous was free and wanted to take his time getting married again. The Browns had put Sophie in his cabin when he was seventeen years old, he was sixty-two when they escaped. It was Sophie that would ram a stick up her to get rid of the baby, after the third time, he stopped sleeping with his wife and Faye became his once a week relief.
Looking around the room, Theenda giggled and said, “yes it did.”
“Yes, what did Baby Girl.”
Theenda said, “at first I was mad at you, but now, not at all.” She looked up at Donovan and said, “look around the room, listen to the laughter, see joy, all because of The Essence Magazine you left.”
Glaidous did not like the loud colors the others wore, he dressed more like Timpkin use to. Dress pants, matching tie and shirt, and jackets with a patch on the elbow. At work, he wore khakis and plaid shirts, with brown loafers. He went to Timpkin’s barber to get his hair and beard professionally cut, he materialized into a handsome man. Timpkin transformed into a striking looking man, he hired a stylist from Seattle to help him with his wardrobe. Theenda said to Donovan, “have you noticed that Timpkin dress better, look taller, handsome even.”
KayKay and her daughter heard Theenda comment about Timpkin, his daughter, smiled. KayKay said to her daughter, “Glaidous and your father is like a blind person telling a blind person the color of his shirt.” She laughed.
Her daughter looked at her mom and said, “that’s why dad put you out,” she walked away.
KayKay looked at Donovan and Theenda, sucked her teeth, rolled her eyes at the couple and angrily left the building.
Theenda said, “ignore her.”
Donovan did not see KayKay or hear his wife, he was watching the towns people couple themselves with the freedmen and women, he said to Theenda, “have you noticed the locals dating and marrying the freedmen and women, quick like they are in a hurry.”
“Yep, and then there is Haze who did the same.”
Donovan stated, “I wonder if there’s a psychological meaning behind it.”
“I believe so,” Theenda stopped then continued, “it’s called, a small town with not enough men or women, and then here we come.”
Donovan said, “we brought a smorgasbord.”
They laughed.
Theenda said, “from twenty-year-old to sixty.”
The babies and children were in an additional room, that was added two weeks after the steel building was erected. Helen and a few other women watched the children. Helen loved the twins, she had never seen two babies born, from one person. Watching the children play, and listening to their laughter, brought sad memories to Helen when she was on the plantation. In the children compound, they played quiet and were not allowed to run inside or outside. She thought in freedom, kids run, laugh, play hard, and had fun, she smiled. Haze walked in, Helen smiled even bigger. Cush ran up to her, and said, “Miss. Helen, I like freedom.” Then ran off to play.
Never having an opportunity to be a kid, the teenagers played as hard as the young children.
Haze put his arm around Helen and said, “how are you doing Mrs. Day?”
She said, “just fine Mr. Day,” she kissed him on the cheek.
In the reception room, Jethro and his wife danced across the floor. Saul’s wife didn’t know how to dance, they sat, talked, and laughed. The freedmen and women only spoked about H.B. if asked, otherwise, it did not exist.
Luther Vandross song, A House Is Not A Home, played, James and Sara went on the dance floor. Sara asked, “did you give them that CD?”
Most of the slaves stopped dancing, they liked fast songs.
James said, “you know I did Honey; this song was playing when we met, this is my jam.”
Sara laughed and said, “yes it was.”
Donovan escorted Theenda on to the dance floor and said, “this is dad’s favorite song.” He bowed waist down and asked, “may I have this dance beautiful lady.”
Theenda curtesy and answered, “yes you may.”
As they danced, she looked up at him, their eyes met, he said a little above a whisper, “Hello Baby Girl, I think I saw slaves today.”
Theenda smiled, she laid her head against his shoulder.
They danced slow and smooth.
The End
* * *
[RL1]change Moe to he, {his name is mentioned earlier in the sentence}
[RL2]That’s a great way to describe the setting from Moe’s perspective. Plus it puts the reader in the feel and mindset of how dangerous the trek was going to be.
[RL3]stopped. It {this sounds like a great place to separate the two sentences}
[RL4]remove she – {it’s mentioned a few words earlier so the sentence will flow}
[RL5]This is a really great moment, because some will look at the pause as him thinking about his mother’s death and because he ran, this lead to her death. Obviously not his fault, but sometimes people feel guilty even if it’s accidental or incidental on their part.
[SL6]
[RL7]maybe split this into two sentences. A good spot to split is right after sick. {this is just a thought to help with the sentence and feel of the story}
[RL8]good description
[RL9]Moe knocked on the door. A man with a kind face opened and yelled,
[RL10]Great section – this is funny to me, because one person said one thing and the young boy interrupted slightly different. I like that.
[RL11] After his bath, Elijah dressed, hobbled to his bed, and laid down
[RL12]Question – did Moe walk barefoot and sometimes with shoes. I figured as much but wasn’t sure because of these two sentences.
[RL13]I believe you do not need the space in between. The last paragraph is explaining why Liza has children.
[RL14]
[RL15]The word “he” is in this sentence three times. See if it’s possible to alter it.
[RL16]This paragraph is a perfect example of showing how certain people can affect others behavior and mindset. Billy was inspired by the Evans while Harry by Henry. Fantastic.
[RL17]This tense is pseudo present and kind of past. Maybe, When Harry was a senior in high school, his visits with Billy and Liza had tapered off.
[RL18]This is excellent. The funny thing is that, although the story is long, I almost want to see a little bit more for this setup. We got plenty
before, but something about the importance of the birthday and engagement party. How his parents felt, although there was going to be a change, Stella’s feelings, and of course Harry. Make this part feel ominous because as we learn something drastic happens. All in all very good section.
[RL19]Very good paragraph.
[RL20]This is good because we get the feel that Harry isn’t all evil, which is how people are for real.
[RL21]The paragraphs above is a great way to tell some history on the people in Harry’s life while quickly moving the story along for his time in the South. Great job.
[RL22]Good explanation as to how Harry could possibly have slaves while also being a former slave
[RL23]This feels like we’re listening to Donovan telling the story, very good.
[RL24]I like the description of the gargoyles but also their meaning as well. This helps the audience with a grasp of them and not just random art work mentioned in the book.
[RL25]Good imagery, considering that Vultures eat dead things, so it’s like her soul has died.
[RL26]This was a perfect way of using a flashback.
[RL27]Cool dream, I like the description.
[RL28]This is excellent, because we see how people can make stupid mistakes. It happens, love this part.
[RL29]I can literally see him correct himself, great job.
[RL30]That’s hysterical that the MacCall house was bigger. This shows how we can perceive things differently and make ourselves more important compare to reality. I like that.
[RL31]Connect this paragraph to the one before so it appears more seamless. Have a brief description of Harry and Charles talking about the Steel Mill. Then have the conversation that is listed in the paragraph. After that it can go to Charles thinking about what Harry said and some of the workers.
[RL32]Connect here that she didn’t want to ask Drew and then give the reason. This way we can see how she feels about one person compare to another, well between her two sons.
[RL33]This is cool about Jim, but we need a little more about him. I know it seems like a lot, but something so we will remember him as a person who was trying to betray the people and not a name in the book. But I like what happened and how it shows Harry is not completely crazy. Just greedy and mean.
[RL34]What made him striking, from their parents or someone’s point of view.
[RL35]This is the only section I would change. Move it to either the end or alter it so the audience doesn’t know immediately. I love how the aunt says “so he didn’t tell you about his home.” This is so mysterious and keeps the reader wanting to know what is happening for real. Then we learn it from Charles’ visit.
[RL36]Wow Moses was aggressive. With his chapter you can see why he would be like this.
[RL37]This is great to see his point of view.
[RL38]Wow, this is a powerful letter. I like it because it makes him very human.
[RL39]This is a good way to get the reader to immediately read the next chapter.
[RL40]I like this interaction because it shows why Charles went back. Very good. At first, I thought you had to state why he went back, but instead through this conversation it was shown. Excellent.
[RL41]That’s a great metaphor.
[RL42]Is there supposed to be quotation marks in between this. I was going to add, but figured to bring it to your attention. Maybe after sister, and also another in front of He.
[RL43]That’s a great line. Shows me a lot of Charles.
[RL44]Nice call back to the Evans.
[RL45]I like Charles, he’s cool people.
[RL46]Its clear to see how his family continued. Also the ivory information is cool, because people would forget, and so they don’t think he’s terrible.
[RL47]I would start the chapter here. There is great momentum from part 1 and start immediately here will keep the story flowing.
[RL48]That’s really cool that he did that.
[RL49]That’s interesting about her losing focus.
[RL50]I bet most will not see this coming.
[RL51]I like his response, because people would respond like that.
[RL52]This is an excellent paragraph in knowing a character’s mindset. Often in books this is here because it’s the best way to show their mindset and allow the readers to attach themselves to the person. Whereas in movies, everything has to be visually shown, in books it is written.
[RL53]That’s a good message for people to realize.
[RL54]Powerful, it shows he wanted to be good, but just wasn’t the person.
[RL55]Maybe add a period after the second that so it reads: Donald told him the whole truth, and that was that. James never asked again.
[RL56]Add a little more about Donovan being an adult. There is more about his looks later, but just something else on him albeit physical, his passions, anything of that nature. Even a cute little story on how him and Theenda met. The only reason for that is to setup a foundation on the character we’re about to follow as an adult. Previously there was good information on Donovan as child.
[RL57]Is this Theenda? Mention her by name since it’s a new paragraph or add it to the previous section.
[RL58]Its funny, but many people are going to say, it’s about time someone put their hand in it to research. Lol. I like this and it shows the detail and curiosity of Donovan.
[RL59]This statue is pretty big to be in the middle of the street, about the height of a five-story building. But if that’s the case then it’s all good.
[RL60]Might want to shrink this a little. 420-foot-tall statue would be the biggest statue in the world. If that’s the case, then more needs to be said about that.
[RL61]Is Becky Lou the student or librarian? We never established the student’s name so this might be a bit confusing.
[RL62]This is a great way to explain what makes the funeral weird and strange. Great job.
[RL63]I know we’re back at the plantation but start here with mentioning where this chapter is located. It could be one sentence. Technically the last time we visited the slaves on the plantation was well over a hundred years plus and about five chapters ago.
[RL64]Give a quick explanation that they were going to be released after a certain amount of time. I assume they knew they were going to be released.
[RL65]Was Roy and Fred killed here, or is this in reference to a previous group of overseers?
[RL66]Funny how Bo got a little bit of power and assumed he could get more. Great description.
[RL67]Good description of being tired.
[RL68]I assume this is Haze, but until we hear him speak, a Haze said, or said Haze needs to be added.
[RL69]The title has Valentine Day, is this supposed to be Mother’s Day or Valentine Day?
[RL70]Split this sentence into two separate ones.
[RL71]This is interesting because it makes it feel like they’re in our world. Very good.
[RL72]That’s hysterical.
[RL73]Good show in how someone feels and not just telling the readers.
[RL74]When is this scene in relation to Valentine’s Day. Is this a few days later or more time then that?
[RL75]This says March but the title right above has February 19th, which one is correct.
[RL76]I was going to state to share the time frame in relation to the meeting, but in reality, we kind of get that idea from Donovan’s last line the paragraph before. So leave it as it is.
[RL77]Right here is perfect about Haze going to the hospital.
[RL78]In the first meeting chapter – XXII it states February 19, is this supposed to happen before or after that meeting that took place in Donovan’s home?
[SL79]
[RL80]Great description use.
[RL81]This pretty much says it all, for all of the main characters to be aspects of abuse. Which means that the theme of the book is about abuse on a variety of levels, and trying to overcome that, or succumbing to them.
[RL82]Great sentence, but maybe change it to two or three different sentenc
es for pacing.
[RL83]This sentence is long but its in reference to one dish so it’s all good.
[RL84]Excellent flashback.
[RL85]Wow, this shows what happens when a person is out of control. That’s excellent.
[RL86]I will say, the transition of Harry to Jeff is amazing. I believe most people will not see it coming. Many will assume you’re stating that your surroundings can affect your behavior. In this case that was true. Great job on this brief section and showing the audience what happened to him.
[RL87]That’s funny.
[RL88]This is a great section but if feel like it needs a focal point from one of the characters. I would say Donovan, and in between we hear a little of his thoughts. His emotions, his thinking of how he will meet the slaves. Then of course this is interrupted by Timpkin’s fear or disbelief and constant questions. Then Donovan can think of how would he feel if someone said slavery or ritual abuse was happening next door to his home in NYC and his family turned a blind eye or did nothing.
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