“You think I’m not taking this serious?” I growl, low and coldly.
“He is, Doctor Gibbs,” Alannah assures him, and I do roll my eyes this time.
“I’ve booked you another chemo appointment for the morning, it’ll be your last one so don’t miss it. Meanwhile, I can prescribe you something for the sickness to help you through the night.” I’ve never cared for drugs, they didn’t interest me. All I needed during the bad times was a few shots of whiskey. But some of the drugs they’ve been pumping through me have been very much craved.
The room is quiet while we wait for his prescription and the doctor is quick to leave with his briefcase and be on his way.
“We’ll get your pills and get back to the club, hopefully once you get the medicine, you’ll start to feel better.”
Sighing, I rest my head against the back of the chair. This woman is at my side every time I need her, no questions, no hesitation, she’s there. I would have been dead a long time ago if it wasn’t for her, that much I know for sure.
“Did you think all those years ago we’d be sitting here like this, me weak and you looking after me?”
A short snort escapes her, and she wipes the smirk off her face.
“All those years ago I hated you and thought you were a prick who should go to Hell.”
Reaching over, I hold onto her hand and squeeze it as hard as I can.
“I’m so fucking happy you forgave me, I couldn’t have gone through this life without you at my side. The club, the brothers, they all came second to you, I was just lucky enough that you never made me choose and make it obvious.”
“Cas, you don’t need to talk like this. You don’t think I know how you feel or what you think? I know exactly what you feel, and I know exactly what you’re thinking -most of the time- before you even think it.” Her smile is infectious. “Marrying you was the best day, bar the days our boys were born, of my life and knowing how we started, I’d go through it all again to be here with you today.”
I don’t tear up very often, and tonight I’ve been caught off guard, but a tear rolls down my cheek and fuck anyone who thinks of me different for it.
“I need to be strong, Harper is out there, and Leo needs me, we can’t lose him. Fuck, Slade has lost his daughter…she was connected to so many of us. I need to be strong.”
“And you are,” she grinds out. “Sparky and the brothers are out looking for her, and you’re here getting well so you can join them. You’re no good out there if you’re on your back or puking your ass up.”
“I wish everything was fine and we were home and you were on your back,” I smirk, totally not the right time or place.
“Really, Cas? You’re thinking of that now?”
“With you, it’s never very far from my mind.”
She turns her hand over in mine and squeezes me back. She hides a lot from me to how she is feeling, especially when she sees me in this weak state. She loved India like her own daughter, and she hasn’t shed one tear. My old lady is one hell of a strong woman, but this is too much. I’ll wait for the adrenaline to die down and if she still isn’t showing any signs of loss, I’ll talk to her. For now, she deals how she deals, and I’ll deal how I deal.
Leo
I’ve thrashed the throttle hard for what feels like hours and it feels like we’ve made no ground. We’re ten miles out of Willows Peak and I pull over to the side of the road.
I can’t ride.
I don’t want to stop.
I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.
I can’t see past the raging inferno inside my mind, and my heart, and the hatred coming from my best friend doesn’t help.
He’s on me before I can swing my leg over my machine, and we fall to the grass.
Warm hands wrap around my throat and my first instinct is to let him crush my windpipe. In a split second I remember why I’m out here and what I have to do and buck my hips and jolt him forward and off me.
“I couldn’t stop her,” I croak out, rolling onto my side.
“You should have brought her back to me,” he roars at me. “You’re nearly double her size, you’re my fucking brother and you’re telling me that you couldn’t stop her?” A manic laugh fills the night around us. “That’s fucking bullshit and you know it, you would have used anyone to save India. I thought I was selfish, but I haven’t got a fucking patch on you. You used your own sister in our fight with a fucking psycho.”
His words sting because they’re true, every single one of them is the truth. Launching up to my feet, I lean into him and press my forehead against his.
“But I didn’t save her, did I,” I roar, my throat burning from the strain. He pushes away from me and I stumble back. “She’s gone and Harper is out there somewhere with him. We’re going to bring her home, think, where would he have taken her?”
Tipping his head back, he stares up at the stars and I can feel his restrain to keep it together.
A shot echoes around my head and the thud of India’s body hitting the floor thumps in my ears. Shaking my head, I get rid of the image of her dead and bleeding out and focus on JJ. His jaw is wound tight and his fingers thrum rapidly against his hip as he holds himself in check.
“I don’t think he would have taken her far, he’d want to be close by so he could fuck with us. He’d want to be close enough to watch us chase our own asses.”
This is more like it. It saves us riding aimlessly.
“Motels? Everyone runs to a motel, it’s the most likely place given the situation and time frame. I wouldn’t trust Harper for long to drive very far if I were him.”
“I don’t trust my wife at all, anymore.”
“At least she’s still alive.” And muttering those five words are a knife to my heart. I swear it stops beating and then comes back full force.
“For now. Thanks to you and her, she may never come home.”
“The fucker think he loves her, and she’s a fighter, I don’t think it’s a question of if, it’s when she comes home, brother.”
Cocking his brow, he clearly doesn’t believe me, and I don’t have the will to argue the point any longer.
We both turn hearing the thunder of numerous bikes approaching and we both put our hands on our guns at the same time.
A full minute passes with our adrenaline spiking before Sparky comes into view with the rest of the club.
Our hands fall to our sides and I dig out my smokes while they come to a stop and Sparky walks over to us. He nods at JJ and my best friend simply sighs and heads for his bike.
Sparky continues over to me and I’m not expecting him to pull me in his embrace so when he does, my arms hang limply at my side and my cigarette is squashed against his shoulder.
“I have no words that will make you feel better, Leo. She was a good girl and she will be missed by us all.”
He steps away and I straighten out my smoke. I know what India was, I loved her, everything about her, and I couldn’t care who misses her because not one person will feel her absence more than me, I don’t give a fuck who they are.
I put the cigarette to my lips and light it before anyone else tries to hug me. “What are you doing here?” JJ calls over and thankfully Sparky turns his attention to his son.
“We’ve been sent to help search for Ellis and Harper. What was going on before we got here? Why are you stopped here?”
I cut my eyes over to JJ and he looks away. “We were trying to think where they could be without riding aimlessly for hours on end. Jay reckons Ellis will keep her close so he can watch us fuck this up.”
Sparky nods, agreeing with him and I look around the brothers. They’re being too quiet and staying back. Yet, they all look at me with pity in their eyes.
I take one last drag on my smoke and flick the butt to the ground. I grind my boot on it until it’s mulch and head for my bike.
“We were heading for the next town. We have no idea what car they were driving or if he had his bike. We search ev
ery motel, hotel, empty fucking house,” I instruct and swing my leg over my machine. With nothing left to be said, our engines come to life and the road vibrates beneath our wheels.
Fuck formation tonight, I pull off first around the ache in my chest, remembering the first night we shared after bringing Rayna home from the hospital.
We managed to escape the old ladies wanting baby cuddles and hid in our room. India sat in the middle of the bed and fed Rayna without anyone trying to help or offering to do it for her. She stared at our daughter with such love, it hurt to look for long because I knew then that this type of love was earth shattering if the bond was ever severed.
I climbed on the bed and joined them, gently stroking my finger over the top of Rayna’s head and life was perfect.
In that moment, it was the three of us against the world. I made promises and I vowed to give them the world and now I can’t even give my daughter her mother. She’ll never hear her voice and know what she sounds like, be able to hear how much she loves her. Squeezing my eyes closed, I force the memory away and focus on the road by riding too fast and imagining Ellis dead before me.
Cas
The sun is rising from the east and my brothers are out searching for Ellis in the west. I’ve had no sleep and I’ve survived four trips to the bathroom to hurl my guts up, whatever the doc gave me didn’t help a shit with my nausea.
When I was a kid, a home was all I would dream about. Most of the time there weren’t any parents around in my fantasies as I had given up on the dream of having someone to love me. It was a house with a kitchen full of food, it was a bathroom with hot water I could take advantage of with clean, warm towels and it was a bed with clean, soft sheets and a decent pillow to lay my head on, they were the things I dreamed about. The fact I have that now and share it with Alannah is the icing on the cake and more. The more is having all this out in the middle of nowhere, where I can sit in my own yard and fucking relax. Only there is no relaxing today, this morning my guilt is rising higher than the sun and the level of fucking uselessness I feel right now is sky fucking high.
My phone vibrates on the small table I used to keep my outdoor ashtray on and Sparky’s name flashes across the screen. What I wouldn’t give for a smoke right now.
“Hit me with good fucking news, brother,” I answer in greeting.
“I fucking wish. I’m checking in while we’ve stopped to figure where next to look.”
My eyes close and I lean forward in my chair. This isn’t what I wanted to hear.
“How are my boys?”
They may be wearing the patch, well a brother and a prospect, but they are still my sons.
“Luca’s doing good, quiet but determined. He hasn’t left my sight.”
“And Leo?”
I’m almost afraid to ask. Nothing breaks quite like the heart of young love.
“He’s like a god damn machine, Cas. He’s not talking but he’s keeping with us.”
“That’s all we can ask for given the circumstances. Fuck, I wish I were out there with you.”
I can almost feel the vibrations of the bike coursing through me.
“You’d be no pissing use. I’ve never let you down and I won’t now. We’re carrying on for another twenty miles and then we’re gonna round trip back and hit up all the places we’ve already hit, again,” he says with a sigh.
“I’ll be at the hospital this morning and then I’ll be going to the club after. You need anything, you call.”
“Sure,” he says, and then, “I spoke to Tal a minute ago, he said Slade hasn’t moved from the bar all night and he’s sleeping now after drinking two bottles of whiskey.”
Shit.
“It was to be expected. If it were me, I’d need the same and I wouldn’t stop until I died myself.”
And that’s what I’m scared for on behalf of my own son. Once he finds retribution, the grief is going to hit him so fucking hard it’ll leave a permanent mark on his soul and there’s fuck all I can do to stop it, tame it, or take it myself and spare him.
“Me too, brother. Look, Leo and JJ are raring to go again. I’ll check in soon.”
The line goes dead, and I drop my phone on the ashtray-less table. I quickly grab it again and call Tal. He can fill me in on the club himself, at least it will keep me busy.
He answers on the third ring and sounds relaxed, a little too relaxed with the weight of responsibility I’ve given him. Some men you meet, and you know you’d rather give them a slap than a prospect’s patch, others you take in and you’re not sure if they’ll stand the test of time, but others, like Tal, you know you’ll be patching in. When he first showed up at the club, he was just as quiet as he is now. But there was something in the way he carried himself that was confident and strong but knew his place and knew when to make himself useful.
“How’s it going?”
I don’t mention already having spoken with Sparky. I want to hear it from him.
“It’s quiet here, there haven’t been no sightings of Crows lurking around.”
At least I can partially relax hearing something good for once. “Talk to me about Slade.”
“He’s crashed on the couch-”
“Under no circumstances is anyone to wake him, you hear me?” I say, cutting him off.
“I hear you, Prez. His old lady hasn’t left India’s side. I didn’t know whether to move her, I dunno, it doesn’t seem right with the hole in the head but she’s her momma.”
That image fills my head and I push the bile threatening to appear back down. Blood, open wounds, neither of them bother me. I don’t lose sleep after witnessing such things nor do I dwell on them, but seeing India in Leo’s arms, it’s a sight I’ll never forget.
“Leave her,” I say solemnly.
India could have no head and Kristen would still want to be at her side. For the time being she needs to be with her daughter.
“And you’re sure there haven’t been any Crows hanging about?”
“No, I’ve got Ash and Ryan watching out at the gate and everyone else is regrouping and getting their heads down while they can.”
At least some of us are sleeping. The tap runs in the kitchen and then I feel my wife’s hands squeeze my shoulders and she places her soft lips on the top of my head.
“I’m going to be at the hospital this morning, if anything and I mean anything happens get a hold of Sparky, then get word to me at the hospital.”
“Gotcha.”
I hang up and catch her hands before she can walk away and finish fixing her morning coffee. I press my lips to her warm skin and leave them there for longer than usual.
I’ve spent over two decades with this woman and I still haven’t had enough of her. I couldn’t have imagined I’d be with one woman, day after day, year after year back when I first joined the club. There was too much pussy to enjoy and I was in my element. Alannah Blake hit me like a sledgehammer and I’ve never recovered. I don’t want to.
Some would disbelieve her ability to sleep most of the night, but not me. I know she believes in the world we live in and the ability and strength we each possess to carry on and find the strength it takes to keep going. She isn’t emotionless, if anything, she’s the one who is like a machine. No matter the situation, she lives through it. Every single time.
“How long have you been sitting out here?” she asks, coming around my chair to sit on my lap.
“A couple of hours. I gave up trying to sleep after the third trip to the bathroom.”
She frowns at me and runs her fingers through my hair. “You’re going to beat this.”
And with that, she stands and heads inside to finish making her coffee. If my wife says it’s so, it must be true. The woman isn’t wrong about anything else.
Leo
This is fucking useless. We’ve been riding around for hours and we have nothing. We haven’t come across Ellis, Harper, not anyone wearing a cut with a patch that isn’t ours. No one!
JJ is at my side a
nd Sparky leads up front. Our formation is tight, there’s no chance of anyone breaking away without being seen. Fuck. Do I even want to break away from the club? What would I do differently to them in our search? Where would I look that they haven’t or wouldn’t?
The need to do more builds inside me and I’m struggling to think straight. The needle on my tank is hanging low and for the second time since last night, I need to stop for gas.
The sun is high on this early morning and I ride up beside Sparky and point to my tank.
He nods once and at the next turn off, we pull off and descend on the gas station.
I ignore everyone as I fill my tank and head inside to pay. I grab another pack of smokes and blank the cashier who wishes me a good day as I walk out.
A good fucking day. There will be no more of them for me. How can there be? My fiancée was gunned down before my eyes fourteen hours ago and I’m out here searching for her killer when I should be at her side. Brothers are chatting and I can’t force myself to go over and join them. While they’re distracted, I walk around the side of the station and I punch the wall, once, twice, a third before the skin across my knuckles breaks. The brisk morning chill stings my open wounds and I suck in a deep breath.
The ache in my chest burns as her lying in our bed comes to mind. The last time we slept at home, I cuddled up behind her and she entwined her leg with mine. Rayna was sleeping in her crib, and I laid there wide-awake holding India until she fell asleep. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep, I should have stayed awake and savoured every minute. There are so many should-haves running through my mind, it’s like my head is going to spin off.
“Put it on speaker.” I hear Sparky instruct and I look up as I light my cigarette, not giving a shit I’m still at the gas station. I walk over to my brothers who are by the road side now.
JJ’s phone rings again and his face is a ghostly pale white. My mouth dries as he answers it and I hold my breath as he greets the caller.
His One Regret: Sons Of Lost Souls MC Book Four Page 9
