“Sorry, old man.”
I forget him as soon as I close my door behind me and fall onto my old bed. Using my teeth I unscrew the whiskey and take a long pull, needing to drown in the amber liquid.
Lighting a cigarette, I inhale long and hold it in until my chest burns. It was her legs that got me. They went on for miles until your eyes landed on her perfectly rounded ass and I was done. One moment changed everything with a girl I’d known her whole life. Two years ago I wouldn’t have felt this pain because there was no chance I’d have felt about a girl like this. I should have stayed away from her. No. The guilt just thinking like that cripples me.
The first night I saw her differently was in the bar and our final moment was in the bar, it’s fucking sick. Pain creeps up from my stomach and settles in my chest. I scoffed at the thought of a broken heart, but it’s true. This fucking hurts.
Each breath I take, hurts.
Opening my eyes, hurts.
Closing my eyes, hurts.
Thinking of her, hurts.
The guilt I feel trying not to think of her hurts even worse.
Whiskey drips down my chin as I drink heavily from the bottle and ash falls onto my leg as my cigarette burns down. Suddenly, I can’t breathe. My throat is closing up and my chest is caving in on itself.
I manage to dunk the cigarette in my old money tin my Grandma got for me when I was a kid before I slope to the side and fall onto the floor. A ripping roar purges from me and I slam my fist onto the mattress, repeatedly.
The contents on my nightstand scatter across the carpet as I sweep my arm over them. On my knees, I grip onto the bed frame and pull it out, tipping it over as I rise to my feet.
The bat catches my eye and panting, I wipe the saliva drooling from the corner of my mouth and pick it up. Anger rises to levels I’ve never felt before and that fucking shot rings out in my ears. I smash the bat into the wardrobe, leaving the door splintered with a hole on impact.
I swing again and the bulb in the lamp shatters into broken pieces beside the upturned bed.
Every time she smiles at me, I put a hole in the wall. Every time I hear her laugh, I smash the bat against the furniture. And every time the memory of her hitting the ground fills my head, I want to smash myself with the bat.
“You know, if you had a blade, you could try clawing your eyes out, but you’d still see her.”
I spin around and Pope is standing in the doorway. My chest rises and falls and the pain ebbs slowly.
“Pity, grief, blame, they’ll end up killing you and when your daughter is old enough, Ellis could come back for her, he’d hurt her like he did to Harper, he might even kill her like he did to her mom.”
“Shut your mouth, Pope.”
I can’t get a grip on my breathing and I grip the bat even harder.
“I’m just saying, you saw your love’s head blown open in front of you, you’re entitled to lose your shit, but to want to hurt yourself or even take your life, that’s a pussy move.”
“I swear, stop talking.” The guy is old enough to remember the dinosaurs, been a brother since day one, but if he doesn’t shut his fucking mouth, I’m going to do it for him.
“Imagine Rayna all grown up, she’s already lost her mom, she’s taken by Ellis who will still be young enough to overpower her, and as she’s lying there tied up, he’s raping her, making her bleed, maybe he even gets her pregnant…”
“You’re one word from having your heart ripped from your chest, old man. Brother or no brother.”
“Where will you be?” he grinds out, stepping into the room.
“It won’t ever happen,” I vow. “She has the club, too many people who are her blood.”
“Yeah? You think that can save her? Your mom had every man in the club ready to die for her if needed, you know the story, it was needed. She was taken, beaten, hung from the fucking rafters. A sight to this day which still burns bright in my mind.”
I know the story, I’ve imagined every detail I’ve been told, and I wish I was there to kill him myself, and my great uncle who died that night for his betrayal. He set his own niece up as bait because he was tired of chasing his enemy.
“I’m not saying you have to go around with a happy fucking face on, but you sure as shit can’t bring yourself harm. Your daughter needs you. Both your parents grew up with no parents, your dad,” he says, shaking his head. “Your dad did things a child should never have done, all because he had no parents. You want Rayna to cry into her pillow at night because she thinks the world hates her, that you hate her because you chose to leave her?”
A new breed of pain hits me and I stumble back and sit on the bed. The bat falls to the carpet with a soft thud and I drop my head into my hands.
“If I hadn’t have killed Roman…”
“And if I had maned up and claimed Sally as my old lady twenty-five years before I did, I would have had so much more time with her. We all have our regrets, Leo. Some are just heavier than others.”
He crosses the room and sits beside me. He pulls up his sleeve and shows me some wrinkly ass tattoo.
97.
“That’s the number of lives I’ve taken, and how many ghosts are waiting for me when I leave this world. And you know what?”
“What?”
“I’ll fucking fight them all on the other side, they don’t scare me. I welcome death sometimes, but only so I can reclaim my strength to fight. Violence has been the root of my core since I was much younger than you and being this vulnerable old fucking prick, it doesn’t sit well with me. Having to sit there and hear what went down at the club boils my blood because I’m slow to move these days and wasn’t there.”
“I’m not slow and she still died.”
“Aye, she did.” He sighs. “And what you do now is what counts. You chose to be a father, you don’t get to chose when you duck out because you’re hurting. In one way, you’re lucky she’s a baby and won’t miss her like she would if she were older.”
“She’s still going to have questions someday, what am I going to tell her?”
“The truth,” he says with a shrug.
As if it’s that simple.
“The bar was filled with people who didn’t save her, not just you. That burden falls on all our shoulders.”
I hear what he’s saying but it’s not enough.
“Words, Leo. It all boils down to words. You’ll chose the right ones to tell her when the time comes because you weren’t the one who pulled the trigger.”
“I was why he pulled it.”
“No, if that was the truth, he would have killed a brother, not a woman. Men these days are too quick to hurt women to get at men, it’s a weak ass, coward move, and I’d slit every throat of every man who did.”
I’ve always felt a chill when I’ve been near this guy, old or not. Today, I feel a connection with him.
“What would you do, if you were me?”
“I hid my Kyla away from the club for over twenty years, I made many mistakes with her and it took me a long time to bring her back, Ricky helped by coming into her life, but if I could go back and do it all differently, I wouldn’t hesitate.
“Rayna is your priority now, Leo. Don’t do anything stupid for her. Fuck, you haven’t even heard her first word, seen her take her first steps, who’s gonna beat the shit out the first boy who makes her cry? Cas will be as old as I am now when she starts taking an interest in boys, she needs you.”
I get it.
I reach for the half bottle of whiskey. I drain it until only a quarter is left and pound my chest as it goes down slow and hard.
“I hear you, old man. I won’t do anything stupid, but I am going to finish this bottle and then find another. I’m going to drink until the sun rises in the morning, and I’ll drink until it sets tomorrow night.”
He slaps me on the back and offers a small smile. It’s weird seeing his lips stretch across his face.
“Fair enough, for what it’s worth, it’d be a s
hame if you done yourself in. This club will need you when Cas no longer wears the patch.”
“The club can do better, we’ve just been talking about the destruction I caused because of my impatience.”
“It’s how you come back from this people will remember, a president is only human, it’s how he becomes one with everyone. Come on, Leo. You know this, you’re a part of the brotherhood. You have a future, it’s just not with the girl you wanted to share it with.”
“Fucking harsh.”
“It’s fucking life. If it were meant to easy, we wouldn’t be us.”
He rises and kicks his way through the mess, leaving the door open as he heads down the hall.
Taking another long drain of whiskey, I fall back on the bed and close my eyes. Now I’m alone, the pain returns, and I push Rayna out of my mind. She’s with family, Kristen isn’t going to give her up to anyone. She’s safer with her at the moment than she is with me.
While we were in Mercy and dad was off doing his father/daughter bonding shit, India was already thinking of Rayna’s first birthday. She wanted a huge party for her, she wanted the whole town to know our little girl was celebrating her first birthday. I sat there, nodding, smiling, and agreeing in all the right places and now I rack my brains trying to remember what she was going on about. I should have listened to every word. All I did was agree to a lot of pink shit and wonder how long we was going to be stuck hundreds of miles away from home. So many times I should have been listening, what I wouldn’t give to go back and change everything.
Cas
My phone rings and hope it is Harper vanishes. I see the prospects name and sigh. I’ve been filled in from Ricky and Sparky about Harper’s call in more detail and for the life of me, I can’t work out what she’s playing at. She wanted a life here in Willows Peak, she wanted to work on a relationship with me. I answer and press the thing to my ear.
“How is he?”
“Pope was in with him for a while, it seems to have calmed him down, for now.”
“Okay, I heard you had the other prospects go into town for more supplies.”
“Yeah, I don’t think he’ll want to be sober for a while.”
“No, try and get him to eat, if you can. I’ll call later.”
That’s it. I hang up and drop the phone on the table. Tapping my fingers on the table top, I sit back in my seat in the back room and close my eyes.
I can’t shake Leo on his knees forcing me to hold the gun at his head. I knew he loved her deeply, but that was next level shit. He went to a dark place and I won’t be sure I pulled him out until I see him.
“Cas? What do you think?”
My eyes snap to Dex and he’s leaning forward awaiting a reply from me.
“About?”
“Me riding out and joining up with Sparky?”
My gaze slides to Slade sitting out in the bar. He hasn’t moved in over an hour. Kristen had to be pulled away from India’s body a couple of hours ago and she’s now lying up in one of the rooms with Rayna.
“I want you here, there are enough brothers on the road. I need men here, I need them around Slade.”
He nods and sits back in his seat.
The phone rings again and this time it’s Harper’s name on my screen. I answer the fastest I ever have and put it on speaker.
“Harper?”
Nothing.
Static silence comes down the line and I check that the call is still connected.
“Cas? It’s me.”
Her voice is tinny and small, nothing like I’ve heard from her before.
“Can you hear me?” she asks.
“Yeah, I hear you,” I urge her.
The flicker of a lighter interrupts us and the sound of her lighting up hits our ears. I thought she quit?
“Are you okay? Talk to me, Harper. What’s going on? Where are you?”
Another drag on the smoke comes between us before she speaks.
“Dads are supposed to protect their daughters, right?”
Is she taking a pop at me?
“If I were there…”
“That’s not what I getting at, I meant in general.”
“Yes.”
“I need your protection now.”
“From Ellis? Where is he?”
“He’s a little…busy,” she says shakily. “I wanted to talk to you, to say goodbye.”
“Goodbye? Harper, what are you talking about?”
I bite down very fucking hard on my tongue, I’m trying not to lose my shit but she’s testing me to the brink.
“Please, tell me what’s happening.”
“Ellis is at 1305 Pine Street in town, he’s bleeding out as we speak, if you want your go, you need to hurry.”
Nodding at Dex, I mouth Sparky. He leaves the room to make the call.
“I’ll have JJ there as soon as they can…”
She’s cutting me off before I can finish. “I’ll be gone by then, I can’t come back.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“The people I’d need you to protect me from are the men you share the patch with, the man I call uncle, the man who is my husband.”
“Harper, there isn’t any man, patch or not I would let harm you. Talk to me, tell me what happened, please.”
If I can prolong this call, hopefully the guys can get to her before she runs.
“I wish I could have the future you want for me, it really did sound nice.”
Then the line goes dead. Shit. Bringing her number up, I hit call and it goes straight to her voicemail.
Fuck.
I dial Sparky as Dex walks back in the room and he answers on the first ring.
“Dex just filled us in, we’re turning around now.”
“She’s running, she gave up the address and said goodbye. If JJ wants to see his old lady again, you need to get there now.”
“We’re an hour out, Cas, at least.”
Shit.
“Just get there.”
Hanging up, I push out of my chair and walk into the bar.
“1305 Pine Street, that’s where Ellis is. Go. Now.”
Dex comes up beside me and I grip his arm before he can leave with everyone else.
“Harper’s banging on about leaving, if she isn’t there when you arrive, ride around and look for her. She won’t be able to go far or very fast.”
He leaves, rounding up brothers as he goes. My phone buzzes in my hand and a message has come through from Harper.
‘If it matters, I would’ve liked being your daughter.’
Squeezing the phone, I want to throw it, but I don’t. I sit beside Slade and wonder if he registered the commotion.
“Did you hear, brother? We know where Ellis is.”
He doesn’t blink, he doesn’t answer me. He simply says, “Do you remember when I wanted to leave the club all those years ago?”
Christ, that was a long time ago. It was after he was shot in the leg because of Kitty, Michael’s old lady. Some secrets came out and he’d had enough. “If you had let me go, I don’t know where I would have ended up, but my daughter would still be breathing.”
I don’t say anything because there is nothing to say. Especially nothing he wants to hear.
I place my hand on his shoulder and watch the door. I’ll give my soul, as black as it is, for Harper to walk back through the door, which makes me a Grade A prick because Slade will never see India anywhere.
I’m afraid to leave him with his thoughts. His mind is dredging up old memories and what-if scenarios and they’re not helping one fucking bit. However, I can’t stand still, the anticipation of waiting for the call to say they have him and Harper is still there is too much. Nerves creep in and it’s almost a foreign feeling. I can’t remember a time when I was nervous over something. I wasn’t nervous the day I married Alannah. The days my boys were born, I wasn’t nervous. Throughout all the bad shit the club has been through, I’ve never been nervous. It’s because of India, there’s
too much riding on catching this prick. There’s too much hanging on Harper coming home.
The nerves trap me into checking my phone every couple of minutes, full well knowing no one will be at the address yet. Everything is riding on Ellis still being where Harper told me he was. I check my phone again and scroll through the contacts until I come to Leo’s number. I could call him and update him, but if it turns out to be a dead end, I can’t bring myself to think what he’ll do. I clear the screen and lock the phone. I’ll send someone to fetch him when I have eyes on Ellis myself.
No one is behind the bar, I don’t care how the alcohol affects me, I pour myself a single measure of whiskey and neck it back in one gulp.
It takes everything in me not to pour another and put the bottle back in its place on the shelf.
I check my phone again and again, nothing. No texts and no missed calls.
The signal is strong, and I turn the ringer on the loudest setting. My eyes shoot over to the pool table when I hear Rayna’s gargled chuckle and it’s music to my ears. She’s our light during this dark time. Kyla is making her laugh as Kristen sits beside them. She hasn’t let the kid out of her sight and I’m not looking forward to when she has to give Rayna back to Leo. It’s going to cause dramas and headaches and when it comes to this family shit, blood wins and I’ll step with Leo against Kristen.
Only Kyla’s voice can be heard in the bar as she entertains Rayna and I slide onto a stool and occupy myself by watching them. Kristen catches me and her coldness settles into my bones, it’s that icy.
Her and Slade couldn’t be sat further apart from each other and it’s another fracture within the club. They’ve always been a strong couple and now it’s like they haven’t shared years together.
Minutes pass painfully slow and when they head for the hour, my phone rings. I hit answer and press the phone to my ear, turning my back to everyone in the bar.
“Brother, please tell me what I want to hear?” I say down the line, my voice strained.
“We’ve got him,” Sparky booms and like my granddaughter’s chuckle, it’s music to my ears.
I brace myself for the answer to my next question. “Is Harper there?”
His One Regret: Sons Of Lost Souls MC Book Four Page 12
