by Anna Durand
Damian had told me that part this morning, but he hadn't mentioned his circus job.
"What did you do in the circus?" I asked.
"I was an animal trainer. Horses, mostly, but I also helped out the elephant and monkey trainers whenever they needed it." He sighed like he was remembering good times. "I also did some palm reading, though it's my mom who's the best at that stuff. Our friends and neighbors always love it when Ileana the Ludar Queen entertains them."
How was I supposed to reconcile all these different sides to him? Circus trainer, prison guard, concierge at a nudist resort, gypsy showman. Damn, this guy was confusing.
Surprising was a better word.
"What about you?" Damian asked. "Tell me about your family."
"My parents are divorced. Bitterly divorced. Holidays are lots of fun, with my parents griping at each other and my grandmother smacking her spoon on the table to make everyone shut up. Last Thanksgiving, Mom threw a big lump of mashed potatoes at Dad."
Damian's face went blank. He just looked at me like that for a long time.
Finally, he took his feet off the table and sat forward. "Christ, Heidi, I'm sorry. That must be awful. And here I was telling you how awesome my family is."
"I'm glad you have parents like that. And I don't need any sympathy. I'm used to Mom and Dad acting that way. They got divorced when I was ten."
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Only child."
He watched me with a strange expression that I couldn't figure out. Pity? Sympathy? Disgust? I had no idea.
Damian got up and walked to the bed, sitting down near my feet. "I think I'm starting to understand you—your behavior, anyway. You've got scars, don't you? Lots of them, I'd say."
"Yeah. Doesn't everybody?"
"Most people don't have as many as you seem to." He patted my leg. "Scoot over. I'd like to sit next to you if that's okay."
"Um, sure." I scooted over to make room for him.
Damian sat beside me, though not touching me. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you seem like you could use a hug."
How did he know that? Because yeah, a hug would've been awesome. But I shouldn't let him do that. He might get the wrong idea—or I might. Sitting this close to him, I started to feel warm again, but not in the comforting way I'd experienced earlier. I felt warm in a completely different way, one that skirted dangerously close to desire.
"Guess that's a no to the hug," Damian said, not sounding annoyed, just mildly disappointed.
"Actually, a hug would be nice." Why had I said that? My mouth insisted on telling him the truth, even while I tried to deny it in my own mind.
He draped an arm across my shoulders, tugging me closer until I could've rested my cheek on his shoulder if I'd wanted. God, did I want to, but I fought the urge. Fought it like crazy. He smelled good, like woodsy cologne or potpourri or something.
Damian stroked my upper arm with his fingertips.
I couldn't stop myself. I rested my cheek on his shoulder.
We sat there like that for several minutes, not speaking, just enjoying the easy intimacy of the moment. I'd told him about my family. Ollie didn't know about that. Even my ex, the one I'd gone back to over and over despite his cheating, never met my parents or asked me about them. So I never told him. But today, I'd needed to tell Damian.
He cleared his throat. "Sorry to cut this short, but I need to do my job for a while. I'd much rather stay here with you, but…"
"I get it. You can leave, it's fine." I lifted my head to look at him. "Besides, I've got those jams you gave me, the ones you promised will make me feel better."
"Guaranteed to lift your spirits."
We gazed into each other's eyes. It wasn't a conscious decision on my part, and I didn't think it was for him either. Our gazes gravitated to each other all on their own, like our subconscious minds craved the connection. He still had his arm around me. I was still leaning into him. Our faces hovered a foot apart at most, and suddenly, I needed to be closer, needed to feel his lips on mine.
I couldn't make myself move or speak. Just as well since I really shouldn't kiss him.
But God, I wanted to.
Damian slanted his head down, leaning in a touch, bringing his mouth to within millimeters of mine. His breaths ghosted over my lips, tantalizing my skin with a sultry warmth. I couldn't tear my focus away from his eyes, couldn't catch my breath, couldn't make myself pull away.
"I want to kiss you," he murmured. "But only if you want it too."
Oh yes, I wanted that. But my voice wouldn't work, so I gave my consent the only way I could. I closed my eyes and pressed my mouth to his. Damian's lips were soft and warm, and I couldn't stop myself from moaning with pleasure. He kissed me back, tugging me closer with the arm he'd draped around me. I laid a hand on his shoulder, sliding it up to his neck, and moaned even more deeply when he slipped his tongue between my lips. Heat rushed through me from head to toe, settling in my lower belly, igniting a fire between my thighs. He explored my mouth with leisurely strokes of his tongue while I thrust my hand into his hair to pull his head even closer.
No one had ever kissed me like Damian did, like he had endless lifetimes to spend doing nothing but kissing me.
When he pulled away, he was breathing harder, like he couldn't catch his breath either. "As much as I'd love to keep kissing you…"
"Guests need you. It's fine. I'm fine, promise." After that kiss, yeah, I felt fantastic. "Go do your horse whisperer thing."
"I don't whisper to them." He slid off the bed and winked. "Don't need to. I've got Ludar magic, remember?"
Oh, he definitely had some kind of magical powers, at least when he kissed.
Damian walked out the door.
And I listened to the music he'd given me, but I didn't need songs to lift my spirits anymore. Making out with Damian had erased all my worries.
But I still wouldn't sleep with him. We shared one hot moment, that was all. My Damian cravings would be gone now, for sure. One hundred percent gone.
Until I saw him again, at least.
Chapter Six
Damian
Heidi kissed me. Sure, I had suggested it, but I expected her to remind me again that she's celibate and there would be no dating or sex. Instead, she kissed me. Damn, I'd loved kissing her. I hadn't meant to do it, hadn't meant to say I wanted to do it, but our conversation had made me feel the need to comfort her. And that somehow turned into a lip-lock.
Not that I was complaining. No way. Feeling her lips on mine, tasting her… That had made me crave Heidi even more.
I managed to focus on my job for the rest of the day, but once I clocked out, the urge to find Heidi and kiss her again got stronger. Okay, I didn't actually clock out since we didn't have time cards or even strictly set hours. But anyway, I was done for the day. And I needed to see Heidi.
The dining hall was packed, as usual, full of naturists enjoying the buffet and conversation. All those voices chattering away might've made the dining hall a noisy place, but people who loved to go nude could be surprisingly polite. Out in the wider world, most people weren't that thoughtful. Another reason I loved it here.
I spotted Heidi sitting at a table near the back with Ollie, Mara, Eve, and Val. I would've expected Heidi to hang out with her girlfriends, but she surprised me again. I noticed an empty chair at the employees table where the five of them sat. They weren't eating, didn't even have plates yet. Were they waiting for me? Was Heidi waiting for me?
Yeah, suddenly I'd become a girl, worrying about whether my crush had a crush on me too.
Ollie saw me and waved, urging me to go over there.
I jogged across the dining hall and sat down beside Heidi. Had she saved this chair for me? Christ, I really had become a girl.
"Hey, guys," I said to the others. Then I glanced at the sexy woman sitting beside me. "Hey, Heidi. How was your afternoon?"
"Good
. How was yours?"
"Fine." What a nice awkward conversation we were having. I never felt weird around a girl after I kissed her. I never got nervous around girls either. The awkwardness had the bizarre effect of making me spout inane things. "Hey, uh, you can visit the horses anytime you want."
"Thanks. Not sure I'm ready for a solo visit yet."
"Yeah, I get it."
I glanced around and realized the other two couples at the table were staring at me and Heidi. Ollie smirked. Val seemed vaguely amused. Mara and Eve both smiled with their lips sealed and their cheeks dimpled.
"Aw," Mara said, "you two are so cute together."
"We're not together," Heidi said.
She didn't have to say that quite so fast, did she? Like she needed to make sure everyone, including me, knew we weren't dating. Was it my imagination, or had she almost shouted that statement?
I needed to have sex with her soon, before my balls shriveled up and I actually turned into a woman.
"Let's get our food," Ollie said. He got a sneaky look on his face and added, "Damian and Heidi better stay here to make sure nobody steals our table. We'll bring you guys some food."
All the guests were already here and already seated at other tables, so I knew he was full of crap. Since when did he try to play matchmaker? Ollie had hated it when my mom tried to set him up with the daughter of one of her friends. But now he was trying to maneuver me and Heidi into…something.
True love, marriage, and babies. That was what my best friend had suddenly decided I needed.
Once the others had hurried off to the buffet, Heidi and I enjoyed the most awkward silence in history. Yeah, I was pretty sure not even cavemen and cavewomen who spoke in grunts ever suffered through a silence as awkward as this one. I scratched my neck. Heidi clasped her hands on the table. I cleared my throat and set my hands on my thighs. She toyed with one of her little stud earrings.
Those little studs were blue like her eyes. Staring at her earring made me want to look into her eyes since they were almost the same shade, but she kept staring at the wall.
Finally, I couldn't stand the cavepeople awkwardness anymore. "We had a good talk earlier, so this shouldn't be so hard now."
Heidi swerved her gaze to me but kept her head aimed straight at the wall. "I know, but it is weird. We, you know, kissed."
"Yeah, I remember." That kiss was something I would never forget, not even when I got old and couldn't remember how to zip up my pants.
"About what happened earlier," she said, "it can't ever happen again."
"You kissed me."
"A gentleman wouldn't point that out."
Now I wasn't a gentleman? Because I let her kiss me? Jeez, this girl was wound up even tighter than I'd realized.
"I'm sorry," I told her. "I wasn't trying to be a dick. But you're acting like it's my fault you kissed me."
"Well, it kind of is. You said you wanted to kiss me."
"But I didn't—"
I stopped myself before I argued more with her about who instigated that kiss. We shouldn't have been fighting about this, but clearly, our kiss had unsettled her. I didn't know everything her ex had done to her, though I knew the story about how she kept going back to the cheating jerk over and over. Heidi had told me about her parents, and I got the feeling their hostile relationship had affected her in ways even she probably didn't understand.
That meant I needed to be gentle with her. Not my strong suit.
"Listen," I said, "I don't want to argue about it. The kiss happened, but it doesn't matter who started it. I won't try to kiss you again unless you tell me that's what you want, and I'll do my best not to flirt with you either. Honestly, I'm not that good at stopping myself from flirting, but I promise to try."
She stared blankly at me, without blinking, for several seconds while all around us people were talking and laughing, having a good time.
Maybe I said too much. Or not enough. Either way, all I could do was wait.
Heidi sighed and glanced down at her lap, then aimed her baby blues at me. "Sorry I got mad at you. I don't mind the flirting. Actually, I kind of like that. It's the intimate stuff that freaks me out. You know, kissing and dating and…other stuff."
"By 'other stuff,' you mean sex."
"Not just that." She wriggled on her chair and hunched her shoulders, seeming like she couldn't get comfortable. "Relationships too. That's 'other stuff,' I mean."
"Oh, right. I get it."
"We don't know each other that well, but I'd like it if we could be friends."
"Thought we already were. I suggested it this morning, and you said being friends might be nice."
She almost smiled. "Forgot I said that. So we are friends already."
"Yep." I reached out, intending to touch her leg, but then I realized that was a bad impulse. She might've taken it as a come-on, though that wasn't what I meant. I started to pull my hand away.
Heidi grasped my hand and laid it on her thigh.
"Uh, what are you doing?" I asked.
"Putting your hand on my leg."
"But you just said—I'm confused, Heidi. What the hell do you want me to do or not do?"
"I…" She pushed my hand off her leg, and I swore her cheeks turned faintly pink. "That was completely inappropriate. I'm sorry."
She jumped up, clearly about to flee.
"Where are you going?" Mara asked as she and Ollie returned to the table. "Heidi, we brought you food."
Mara held up the two plates she had in her hands. Ollie held up two plates too.
Heidi hurried around to the other side of the table. "I'd rather sit by you and Eve. You know, girls on one side, boys on the other. Doesn't that sound like fun?"
Though Mara seemed less than convinced by Heidi's announcement, she carried her two plates to the opposite side of the table, setting one down in front of Heidi. Mara sat down with her plate.
Ollie scrunched up his eyebrows, clearly confused.
Yeah, I was right there with him.
Mara gave Ollie a stern look, nodding her head in a gesture I was pretty sure meant she was ordering him to sit down on the boys' side of the table.
Ollie shook his head and took the chair beside me, handing me a plate. He leaned toward me and whispered, "What did you do?"
"Nothing. I think Heidi's got a Jekyll-and-Hyde thing going on."
"I told you to leave her alone."
"She's an adult, Ollie. Neither of us gets to tell Heidi what to do or who to do it with." Not that I'd done much of anything. She kissed me, and somehow, I became the bad guy. "Chill out, man. Let me worry about Heidi. We're friends now."
"Friends?" Ollie said, sounding way too baffled by that idea.
Was it so bizarre for me to be friends with a woman?
I gave up trying to explain myself to Ollie just as Eve and Val came back to the table. We ate our meals and talked, though not about much of anything. Pointless small talk seemed to be all any of us could manage. After dinner, I went to my room and Heidi went to hers.
For hours, I tossed and turned in bed, trying to figure out what to do about Heidi Mackenzie.
I had no frigging idea.
Chapter Seven
Heidi
I behaved like a completely insane person at dinner last night. Damian had been so nice, but I freaked out because our friends conspired to push us together by abandoning us while they went to get the food. Seriously? That was the best plan four adults could come up with. Well, at least their ineptitude made me feel better about my screwy behavior.
Why had I freaked when Damian got confused by me putting his hand on my leg? Why had I grabbed his hand, anyway? Jeez, I was a mess.
But I had an inkling of why I kept acting like a crazy person around Damian.
I liked him. I was attracted to him. My celibacy vow had made perfect sense until I saw Damian yesterday, right after I'd stepped out of the RV. He'd kind of flirted with
me months ago when I first met him. But now, he'd ramped up the flirtation to a whole new level. Damian didn't do anything obnoxious. He was surprisingly sweet underneath the cocky exterior. But I'd been fooled before by a man who convinced me he wasn't a jerk, and I'd been dumb enough to keep going back to him. Grant never helped me face my fear of horses, though, and he never told me he wanted to kiss me but then waited for me to say it was okay.
Not that I had said that. I kissed Damian instead.
Maybe I was having such a hard time because I kept fighting my true nature. I'd always loved flirting with guys, loved the build-up to the first kiss, loved that free-fall sensation when I realized I had feelings for a guy. I hadn't experienced the free-fall with Damian—jeez, I hardly knew him—but I had enjoyed the flirtation. And when we sat on my bed and he said he wanted to kiss me…
I hadn't felt anticipation like that in years.
After a fitful night's sleep, I didn't feel like showering or brushing my teeth, or changing out of my pajamas. When had I become a slob and a coward? Cargo pants were one thing, but loafing in my PJs… That was an alternate universe version of me. So I made myself get clean, get dressed, and go out into the world. I'd chosen jeans and a loose-fitting blouse with short sleeves and a flower print. My blue sneakers matched the flowers on my shirt. For too long, I'd been wearing frumpy stuff like cargo pants and baggy T-shirts. It had been a way to kind of punish myself for my past transgressions, I guessed. Today, I suddenly wanted to wear something feminine again.
But that impulse had nothing to do with Damian.
Seriously, nothing.
The second I stepped into the dining hall, Mara ran up and hugged me. "Heidi, you look beautiful this morning." She stepped back, grasping my upper arms. "Are you wearing makeup?"
Yeah, maybe I had put on a teeny bit of eye shadow and mascara, and my lip balm had a slight tint to it that made my lips look pretty. For about half a second, I wondered if Damian would like the way I looked today, then I resisted the urge to smack myself on the forehead for thinking about that—about him.
