by Levine, Nina
Winter
* * *
She’d finally given herself to me again. And when I told her I wouldn’t ever let her go again, I hoped she understood that I wasn’t just saying words. I was speaking from the depths of my soul. Birdie could piss me off, make decisions I hated, fight with me, or fuck shit up, and I would not walk away from her. And I’d raise hell if she tried to leave me again. She was my soul mate. I would take my last breath knowing she was mine.
Kissing her after she’d told me she was mine felt different than kissing her before. Before, I’d been demanding she open herself back up to me. Now, I was letting her know I was completely hers. That I would love and honour her. That I would safeguard her heart. And I was finding us again. With every touch, every taste, every moment, I was reconnecting our bodies and our minds.
After she told me she wasn’t going anywhere, my restraint finally snapped. Raw need consumed me and I was unable to slow myself down.
Undoing my jeans, I stripped, all the while watching Birdie watch me. Her eyes didn’t leave my body, checking out every inch of my skin. Fuck, it wouldn’t matter if I had the eyes of a million women on me for the rest of my life; if I didn’t have Birdie’s eyes, I wouldn’t have anything.
Once I was naked, I lifted her onto the bed. There were many ways I wanted to fuck her, but tonight, for our first time back together, I needed her under me. I didn’t give a fuck if it was caveman or controlling or any of that shit; I was giving in to the side of me that wanted to take everything from the woman I loved. By the time I was finished, I would be branded all over and inside Birdie. Fuck, anyone who came near her from here on out would smell me on her if I had anything to do with it.
Pushing her legs apart, I settled myself right where I should have been for the last five years. “Fuck,” I groaned as my dick slid through her wetness. I wanted to draw this out, but with every passing second, my self-control was slipping, and knowing how wet she already was only pushed me closer to breaking point.
She wrapped her legs around me and took hold of my face, bringing it close to hers. “I’m so ready for you that we don’t even need foreplay.”
“Baby, we’ve had five fucking years of foreplay, but that doesn’t mean I’m not taking a taste of you before I fuck you.”
Her fingers dug into my cheeks as she gripped me harder. When her lips met mine, I growled into her mouth and devoured the fuck out of her while grinding my cock against her clit.
It was another long kiss, quickly becoming a frenzy of hot lust, moving us closer and closer to the edge of ecstasy. Birdie’s hands moved from my face to the back of my neck where she clung to me until she couldn’t take it any longer. Letting me go, she pleaded, “I need you inside me.”
Keeping my eyes glued to hers, I moved down her body to the place I’d spent too many hours thinking about while I couldn’t have her. I loved Birdie, everything about her, but fuck me, I could never get enough of her cunt.
The first stroke of my tongue was dedicated to her clit.
The second, to her sweet opening.
The third, I was all in.
“Oh my God!” she cried, her back arching and her fingers tangling in my hair. I welcomed the pain she inflicted when she pulled my hair harder than she ever had. It shot another round of need through my veins to my dick.
I had my woman back.
Fuck.
And she tasted better than I remembered.
I settled in, licking, sucking, tasting.
I was a hungry fucking man.
The world fell away as I focused on the one woman who could steal my attention like no other.
By the time she came, my beard was coated in her. Exactly the way it should be.
I knelt and put my forearm to my beard. Wiping her from it, I dragged my gaze over her curves. Arms flung wide, face resting to the side, eyes closed, the pleasure I’d given was written all over her. Seeing her like this was hot as hell. If I didn’t get inside her soon, I’d blow all over her, so I left the bed in search of a condom.
When I came back, sheathed, she smiled up at me. “You came prepared this time.”
I positioned myself over her. “Stop talking, Angel. Every word you say is wrapping itself around my dick like it’s your mouth. I’m so fucking hard for you right now.”
Her smile grew as she reached her hands up to my neck. “Good. Now you might finally fuck me.”
Her words were lazy and sexy, and I didn’t hesitate another second longer. I also didn’t take this slowly. I thrust into her with every ounce of longing five years without her had left me with. I was a starved man. We had hours ahead of us before I’d even begin to feel like I’d had my fill.
Birdie met me thrust for thrust. We were a wild hurricane of skin and limbs and greed and the kind of sex that is never forgotten.
I came just after her, barely holding on until she’d found her bliss. I came harder than I ever had. It’d take me a bit to come down from. This was more than a physical reunion for me, and by the way Birdie was looking up at me, I knew it was the same for her.
My gaze followed hers as it dropped to my chest. To the tattoo I’d put there for her.
Touching it, she said, “I love you so much, Winter.” Her eyes met mine again, glistening with tears. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
A part of me wanted to know what the hell had happened years ago to make her leave me, but a bigger part of me just wanted to put that shit behind us. Life was fucked up half the time and so were our minds. Whatever it was, I was just fucking happy that she’d moved past it and come back to me. I didn’t need details. I simply needed her love.
I bent my face and kissed her before shifting onto the bed. Resting on my side, I cupped her face and stole another kiss. “That’s in the past, Angel. Leave it there. We’ve got the rest of our lives to make up for those lost years.”
Her eyes flickered with an emotion I couldn’t get a read on. She seemed troubled by something. But she didn’t acknowledge it. Instead, she curled up against me, arm over my chest, and nodded her agreement. Tracing her finger over the bird tattoo, she whispered, “We have forever.”
18
Birdie
* * *
“So what’s the next step for you guys?” Cleo asked over the phone the morning after I slept with Winter. He’d left the hotel room five minutes ago in search of good coffee and I’d promptly called my bestie, desperately in need of her counselling. Sleeping with Winter hadn’t been my plan when I’d come on this trip with him, and while it felt like exactly the right thing to have done, on the inside, I was losing my shit. Because I still haven’t told him why I broke up with him all those years ago.
“I don’t know!” I rummaged through my make-up, looking for the pink lipstick I loved the most. It didn’t help that I’d brought five pinks with me, amongst a million other make-up necessities. When Winter had told me to pack light, I did. With my clothes. But not with my beauty products; I needed options with that stuff. “Oh God, where the fuck is it?” I muttered, my efforts growing more frantic as I failed to locate it.
“Birdie,” Cleo said, “Breathe. It’s going to be all right. You guys are going to figure this out.” She didn’t even need to know what I was doing to know I was panicking; Cleo had years of my meltdowns under her belt.
I stared at my phone sitting on the vanity and channelled her calmness. Cleo had a way of handling stress I could only dream of. Sometimes just being around her or talking to her could help ease mine, but not this morning. Today, I was floundering, and I probably had less than ten minutes before Winter would return and I’d have to be in control of my emotions. And just thinking about that stressed me out more.
“Okay,” I finally said, exhaling, not actually feeling less wound up, but faking confidence, “You’re right. We’re going to work this out. I don’t know what the next step is for us, but I’m sure it will have something to do with Winter bossing me around. He’ll probably try to tell me we’re moving back
into together.”
“Is that what you’re thinking, too?”
I stared at myself in the mirror for a long moment, taking in the tiredness lining my eyes. Thank goodness I’d already showered and done my hair. Winter wanted to leave the hotel soon to head over to his dad’s place, which wouldn’t leave me much time to fix my face. And it needed a lot of fixing. “I think we need some time to figure this all out first. Like, I’m committed, but it’s been five years and a lot has changed for each of us. We need to talk about all this and make plans slowly rather than rush into things.”
Cleo sounded like she was choking on something when she said, “Ah, babe, I’ve got news for you and it’s all bad. Your man doesn’t know the meaning of slow.”
The sound of the hotel door opening alerted me to the fact Winter was back. “Shit,” I said softly, “I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you later to chat more about how work is going. Love you.”
“Don’t worry about work. We’ve got everything under control. But I wanna know how today goes with Winter, so either call or text. Love you, too,” she said.
I met Winter’s eyes in the mirror as I tapped my phone to end the call. “Was that Cleo, or your mum?” he asked. “Or Carey?”
He knew me as well as Cleo did, so of course he knew I was overthinking everything. “Cleo.”
Handing me a coffee, he rested against the vanity and drank some of his before saying, “Talk to me, Angel. What’s running through that beautiful mind of yours?”
I drank some coffee, mostly to stall this conversation, but also because I craved the caffeine and hoped it gave me a jolt of energy. Winter had worn me out last night, keeping me awake until the very early hours of the morning. After only four hours of sleep, he’d woken me looking for more sex. I’d told him no, my vagina was closed to him for the day. I was too damn sore to have him anywhere near me. “You can sort your own dick out today,” I’d grumbled. “I’d forgotten how big it is and how much you like to use it.” He’d pulled me close and growled against my ear, “Clearly if you’d forgotten, I need to up my game so you never forget again.”
He did not need to do any such thing. I would never forget last night.
Finally, after stalling for as long as I could, I answered his question. My words tumbled out in a hot freaking mess. “We need to start dating.”
His brows raised as he shifted his ass against the vanity and crossed one foot over the other. “Not at all what I expected you to say, but I’m listening.”
The intense way he watched me threw me off more than I already was. Diverting my gaze to avoid his intensity, I spied the pink lipstick I’d been searching for. Grabbing it, I said, “Well, don’t you think that’s the best next step? It’s been five years. We need to get to know each other again.”
As I set the lipstick aside for later use and picked up my foundation, he curled his hand around my wrist and drew my attention back to him. “Stop what you’re doing and talk to me.”
“I can put make-up on and talk at the same time.”
“Yeah, I know you can, but not for this conversation. I want your full attention for this.”
“Winter—”
“Birdie.”
I placed the foundation down and turned to face him. “This will delay our departure. Just so you’re aware.”
His brows arched again at my attitude, but he didn’t call me out on it. “I am aware. But so you’re aware, you don’t need that stuff on your face.”
And just like that, Winter managed to send a thousand butterflies to my tummy and turn my anxious mood on its head. This had always been his superpower. It was one reason why we worked so well as a couple. He had a way of helping me find the calm I desperately sought.
Now that he had my attention, he answered my question about what he felt was our next step. “I agree that things have changed in the last five years, but I don’t think it’s necessary for us to go all the way back to dating.”
“Well, I don’t mean dating as in seeing each other a few times a week for dinner and movies. I’m thinking something a little more than that.”
“I should fucking hope so, Angel, because I’m thinking a whole lot more than that.”
“Like what?”
“Like, we move in together and start making plans for the future.”
My mind raced almost as fast as my heart did at that statement. I wanted all of that with Winter, but I needed a moment to catch my breath here. I needed a moment—the perfect moment—to tell him that we could never have what he wanted in life. That maybe he shouldn’t choose me at all.
A knock on the door interrupted us.
Winter pushed off from the vanity. “Hold that thought.”
I watched him exit the bathroom, and when I could no longer see him, I gripped the edge of the vanity, bent my head, and sucked in some long breaths.
I’m just going to tell him.
Now.
He needs to know and then he can stop this before it goes any further.
Before his heart gets too broken again.
Can a heart get too broken? Isn’t broken, broken? Won’t finding out what I did break it completely so that it can’t get any more broken?
God, Birdie, focus.
I lifted my head and came eye to eye with Winter in the mirror again. “Max is here. He wants to talk, so we’re going to head out and find a café. You do your face and text me when you’re done.”
“Okay,” I said, my voice breaking as I gulped back all the thoughts I’d just had.
He frowned. “You okay?”
I nodded, forcing a smile. “Yeah, I’m good.” I moved to him and lifted up onto my toes so I could kiss him. “You go and sort stuff out.”
His hand landed on my ass as he kissed me again. When our kiss ended, he eyed me silently for a beat. “Love you, baby.”
My emotions crashed into me like a tidal wave. I loved this man with all my heart, and the thought of losing him again was unbearable. But so was the thought of hurting him again.
This was a no-win situation.
Both of us were going to drown in this.
The hurt and anger and pain were going to engulf us.
The past was going to catch up with me and destroy him.
And although his father had just died, leaving him at his most vulnerable, I had to tell him.
I couldn’t allow him to go another second making more plans for us that would never come to pass.
I couldn’t allow his heart to be even more broken than it was already going to be.
I couldn’t allow him to tell me he loved me without knowing he shouldn’t.
As he removed his hand from my body, I reached for it and gripped it tightly. With my heart beating wildly, almost exploding out of my chest, I said, “We can’t do this, Winter.”
His frown returned. “Do what?”
“We can’t be together.” My voice was barely more than a whisper. But the anguish in it roared so loudly that it almost deafened both of us. “I lied to you while you were in Afghanistan. I did something I swore to you I’d never do, and all the things you think we can have, we can’t.” I let go of his hand and took a step away from him. Swallowing hard, I added on a broken whisper, “I can never make you a daddy. I’m so sorry.”
19
Winter
* * *
There were four moments in my life that stood out to me. Moments that had signalled a big life change ahead. The day my mother died. The day I returned from Afghanistan that last time. The day Birdie left me. The day Dad died. This right here, this moment I was in with Birdie, screamed huge fucking life change. And I didn’t want one fucking thing to do with it. Not when we’d finally cleared what I thought was the last hurdle to be together again. I wasn’t deluded to think our journey would be easy, but I sure as fuck never expected something like this.
She was yet to tell me exactly what she’d done, but I didn’t need to know the details to know I wasn’t going to like it. I only had to take
one look at Birdie to know that.
The way she looked like she was about to vomit.
The way she looked like she wanted to be anywhere but where she was.
The way she looked like regret was her own personal brand.
She’d uttered seven words that pierced my heart, but it was the words she hadn’t uttered yet that I knew would crack it wide open.
As she moved away from me, I snapped my hand around her wrist and held her in place. “What did you do?”
Her gaze cut to my hand and she tried to pull out of my hold. Tightening my grasp, I said, “Don’t back out of this now, Angel. And don’t think for one second that I’m letting you go. We need to sort this out, and that can’t be done if you walk away.”
She blinked and I took in the heavy rise and fall of her chest. “This can’t be sorted out, Winter. What’s done is done. I can’t take any of it back.”
My chest was tightening with every second that ticked by. “No, you can’t, but you can start by telling me what you lied about.”
Staring at me like she wanted nothing more than to flee this bathroom, she swallowed hard again. The silence became almost unbearable, but patience was a strength of mine, so I waited for her to fill it.
Finally, she gave me what I wanted. “Before I tell you, you need to think back to what we’d been going through in those last few years before we broke up. The stress, the arguments over your work, the fact you were away so much, and that when you were home, you weren’t really there.”
I remembered those years clearly, like they were just yesterday. The fights we’d had, the nights we’d slept apart, the pleas for me to leave the military, the tears, and the crushing heartbreak of it all. Birdie had supported my career choice from day one, but the SAS had been demanding in ways she’d never seen coming. Physically and mentally taxing, each tour hardened me in new ways. While I was over there taking target after target, seizing drugs from the Taliban, and destroying weapon caches, my relationship was falling apart. Each time I returned home, we struggled to reconnect because I struggled to leave behind the horrors of war.
